Wednesday, January 7, 2004

Title: Empty
What was he talking about when he SMS'd me on the 24th asking if I 'felt empty now too'. I replied I'd felt empty since he left, he replied 'me too - don't understand'.
Sounded like he meant he had felt empty since leaving here as well ...? Another indication of his need?

Maybe he meant he felt empty cos they were fighting again, hmm didn't come across that way, but is no doubt how he would explain it.

I don't really think that's it though, he has told me so many times how unhappy he has been since he left here. Sadly ironic that he left here so that he could be happy but has found that in not being here he is so unhappy.

I wonder whether they both realise that in leaving here, and me, that he was no longer the person she 'fell in love' with. He was grounded, secure, had a future, had his 'rock' for support, was 'carefree'. When he left here he had none of those things and that changes a person.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Why did he send that message on the 22nd? Was he so desperate to have contact me that he would risk his relationship with her, again, just so he could talk to me?
He *must* have known how she would react. He'd promised her; his need for contact with me must be very strong.

His temper must frighten her terribly - the breaking phones, smashing his prized possession (guitar), I know I was in fear one night when, in his frustration and anger, I thought he was going to break down the bathroom door. Having been physically abused in the past that must be very scarey for her :(

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Title: Lost Faith
... as if I want *anyone* for a partner, let alone him!
Friends tell me that I give 110% to a relationship. This is my dilemna, I know that is how I am but I've also had proven to me that I can't make a good decision as to when that is the *right* thing to do - when a person is worthy of that, when a relationship is worthy of that.

This is why I will never have another partner; I have lost faith in myself. It's not a fate that I like.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Title: Jotting...
Why does he do it? Because he 'needs' to? Because the level of control is too much (which is true) and he can only take it for so long? Heaven knows he isn't one to take being controlled by anyone.
Maybe subconsciously to cause a fight so that he can 'legitimately' contact me (mind you she hates that he comes to me for support when they fight too, and he knows that as well).

He says it's because it's me he wants to talk to when things get tough. Well, that's fine, except that he promises her that he wont contact me and then does, and then wonders why she gets upset!

Tried so hard to make him hate me so much last time that he wouldn't want to contact me again - because I knew that what she requires of him, but that didn't work either. (He had asked for help in the past, well that was the only way I could help him, not that it was the kind of help he had wanted)

It would seem there is some unfathomable reason why he needs me in his life - to talk to: even in the face of all the horrible things (and they've been bad) that have happened and been said, even in the face of his 'mi amore' requiring he not have contact with me, I am *still* the one he wants/feels the need to talk to:
"Even after all the fighting you and I have done and the horrible things we have said to each other you are still the one I want to turn to when things get tough and I need some support. I have resisted telling you that and calling you for so long now it is becoming unbearable"
Does this mean they had fought in the interim despite the fact that I was no longer around (just as he had suspected would happen)? Maybe it was just about the business that he wanted someone to talk to who understood about it, hmmm no, doesn't really sound like that was it,

How egotistical of him to think that I wanted to be back in a relationship with him!! I can't even fathom why she wants to be in one with him after everything he has done to her. Kinda like being back to being a battered wife but this time it's psychological/emotional/mental instead of physical I guess. You know "Oh but I love him, he wont do it again and he's very sorry".

Yet he will deny that he needs me in his life; go figure!