I am going out to socialise in public this week for the first time in nearly two years. I feel uneasy about it. I wonder if I'm scared that I'll meet someone that I could like. I know I don't trust myself in regards to judging people's character, and that's what scares me about meeting new people. Scared of making the same mistake again. Seems to me the only way I can stop that from occuring is to not get together with anyone.
Trust only comes from trusting and seeing that the trust is proven (definately know someone who does NOT fit that bill); how am I to allow someone the opportunity to show they can be trusted - when it also opens the opportunity to be let down again in a way I cannot allow to happen. This is my dilemna, an one I fear will be with me forever more.

I despair on the influence my experience will have on my children and their ability/views/feelings about relationships. That's not fair on them, to colour their perceptions because of what has happened to me. There's not a lot I can do about that except discuss it with them, show them that not all people are like him (which they know is blindingly obvious). I despair that I am not such a strong person as to be able to hide it from them, thought I believe that is being too harsh on myself; no-one could go through what I've been through and not have it show, nor be changed.

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Have been a good girl and done some tax planning.
Still think about him every day. Not in a 'romantic' way, but wonder how he is doing, what he is doing, how he 'is', hoping he isn't getting 'burned', hoping he isn't feeling 'lost' anymore, wonder how he 'views' me. Wondering whether he has changed his ways.

He brought fun and good times into my life like I feel I wont ever experience again - and I still mourn that loss. I/we looked forward to a future and were planning more good things to happen and I mourn that loss also. But he also brought more pain and suffering than I've ever experienced, brought me closest to death than I've ever been,and I never wish to experience those things again. That makes me more sane than insane I think.

I wonder how it would have been if he had stayed (and been 'just friends'), though I'm sure it would have been short lived regardless (especially if 'she' was on the scene). I think I would have missed the 'intimacy' too much to have him so close, seeing him every day but being so neglected by him. Feeling neglected is such an awful feeling, no one deserves that. I was prepared to try give it a go, but couldn't stand the neglect (and seeing him doing his silly dance for 'her'; it was sooo unlike him).

I wonder whether he regrets ever having lived with me because he didn't love me; but no, that's not true, with all the things he said, the proclamations of never wanting to live with anyone else (even after he had been seeing her for 6 months), wanting to grow old together ... still muddles my head, I guess because it just doesn't make sense on either an emotional or logical basis. I guess finally it did for him (I sure as hell know it didn't for an extremely long time).