It's starting to feel like time to turn the TV on permanent off again ... too many things reminding of things I don't want to be reminded of.... Tonight whilst waiting for L Word to start the previous show had Cyndi Lauper singing 'Time After Time'("when you're lost if you look you will find me... if you fall I will catch you I will be waiting.."), not good, and L Word has someone screaming to another about how they've made their entire relationship a 'fucking lie' and a long term relationship is rocked because one of them is/has been cheating. ohhhh yeah, as if I need reminding of those things ...

Jackie Weaver on Enough Rope last night:
"once you love someone, you might go off them, but you don't stop loving them in your heart, really......If you've really loved someone enough, I think there's always a bit of your heart that... I mean, a couple of them I hardly ever see. But, I still...I love them, yeah."

Slept lousy last night :(

Tried to think of something else positive to add to the 'taking stock' - and really about the only thing I came up with is that I have put on weight. Not back to my 'old self', but certainly better than the 40Kg I went down to.

Taking stock:
Have I started listening to the radio yet? - No
Have I started going to the movies again yet? - No
Do I go out? Tried it once, not likely to try again soon
Have I started reading again yet? - No
Do I look forward to the future? - No
Do I have any dreams? - No
Do I have any plans? - Yes, house repairs
Am I ready to let anyone get close to me? - Definately not
Do I like myself? - No, no idea what I stand for, still in survivor mode, don't want to be the same vulnerable person I was, but no idea what/how else to be.
Sex? - What's that?

Hmmmm haven't progressed very far and it's now coming up to two years.

How can one live a happy life when the foundations by which you live have been shaken and tubled to the ground, shown to only make you vulnerable to the worst hurt you've ever experienced? Rebuild the foundations I guess is the simplest answer, but ethics and morals are part of our entire life experience, developed over our entire lives; these aren't things that you just wake up one day and say are going to be different. I guess in my core I still feel that I was a 'good' person and that the ethics and values I held were worthwhile - I suppose that's why I'm having a hard time trying to 'be' someone else/different. I don't like the person I am at the moment, very closed, very guarded, very self-protective - but then I look back at what I've been through and really shouldn't be surprised.

The wall is still very high - in fact, impenetrable. I think it will stay that way until I am 'happy' with who I am again.

Why did he have to destroy me so?

I don't know whether I can ever be in an open realtionship again, in fact I still don't think I can ever be in any relationship again - I'll be forever fearful of being taken advantage of again, and perhaps end up like her - always suspicious (mind you she had just reason to be so), never trusting (like I once could/foolishly did). Whilst I have those things in me I can't even entertain the idea of being in a relationship - those things are too damaging, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone. A relationship without trust is worth nothing.

How am I to overcome these fears? Being told by the one who did the damage that it was he that was wrong, not me? Unfortunately I've heard his apologies before, and been shown their lack of value and meaning. How I wish I could believe him, but he's taught me too well that I can't :(

Obvious way to dispel fears is by facing them - ie putting myself in the situation where I have to face them, but my soul is not ready and I can't impose my damaged self on someone else, that's not fair (sheeesh there I go with the 'fair' thing - what the hell is that old ethic hanging around for).

Oh well, enough navel gazing and introspection for tonight, as usual it isn't getting me anywhere closer to healed.

I am The Lovers

The Lovers often refers to a relationship that is based on deep love - the strongest force of all. The relationship may not be sexual, although it often is or could be. More generally, the Lovers can represent the attractive force that draws any two entities together in a relationship - whether people, ideas, events, movements or groups.

The above taken from an LJ quizz.

So many times he asked me why I 'put up with his shit', in a way that started to make me think that he thought I shouldn't be ... and obviously he was right, I just didn't have the right information at the time to know that was true (because he wasn't being truthful with me).

Now I will not put up with any shit from him, nor allow myself to be in a situation where that might even happen - and it appears that he doesn't like that. I told him several times that even I had my limits.

Until there is a reason for me to believe that meeting with him will not result in the same old crap .. saying whatever he thinks of in that second to say (rather than anything that he has real intention of doing/meaning)... then I believe I have done the right thing.

It does pain me though that it must have taken a fair bit for him to actually ask to meet, he would obviously be upset, and it hurts me to turn someone away in a time of need... especially him.

But still, to ask me to meet with no ammeliorating statements regarding immediate prior actions ... no, I will not be anybodies fool and jump on that ride again. I need to know the ride is over, and from his/her/their past behaviour I would be a fool to think that the ride was over *just* because he says 'this is the last time' - he has said that too many times in the past only to prove his words had no meaning.

Obviously they are fighting again. How do I know? Because he initiated contact with me of his own volition, and not specified as being about our legal agreement - via e-mail no less and replied when I wrote back! Am I surprised, rofl, you have to be kidding right?

But he hasn't learned anything. How on earth could he expect that, after the way he has treated me for the last six months, I would jump to go meet him just cos he says he wants to?

Does he think I am such a slow learner (like perhaps others) that I will, at his beckon, forget what happened the last time (and the time before that and the time before that etc..) and jump at any chance to see him?

I asked, on those occassions, why it was going to be any different to any of the previous times, and he said he didn't know, or because he said it was ... and of course it wasn't. This time he wont even answer the question! What kind of fool does he think I am? If he gives me no reason to put any credence in anything he might have to say then there is no reason why I will meet with him - why do I want to listen to (yet another) bunch of lies/statements that quite likely just be retracted again in a few days? Simple answer is that of course I don't.

So many times before, when he has been in 'trauma' from a fight with her he says things in his old ilk .. rarely meaning what he says; seems like the only thing true he has said is that there is no future with her! He doesn't even listen to his own words so why should I.

Of course I will not be surprised when they are back together - YET again, and continue their sick little ride allllll over again.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Maybe I'm being too harsh? I don't know. Maybe I am - but then haven't I every reason to be so very cautious. Obvious answer is yes.

Wise Old Sayings:

"Once bitten twice shy" - stupidly I've been bitten more than once; yes it did take me time to learn the lesson, but I *have* learned it. If he didn't want me to be so mistrustful then he should not have been so mistrustful on so many occassions.

"Strength is not in how many times you get knocked down but how many times you get up" - hmmm well I'm not letting him lay me on the ground and walk all over me, that's for sure"

"Forgive but don't forget" - he hasn't done anything to show he is deserving of forgiveness and I'm certainly not forgetting.

"Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results" - (one I've quoted to him plenty of times in the past) well I certainly aint going to do the same thing again (ie see/meet him in exactly the same circumstances as before) cos I know what the result is and I aint insane!

No, I don't think I'm being harsh - just sensible given the circumstances.

I am so tired of life, I find life very tedious most of the time. I just want to curl up on the lounge and stay there til the end. Not have responsibilites that mean there are things I have to do, places I have to be.

Wish I could swap with one of those people who are always saying 'life is too short..' - they can have mine, cos it's going to be far too long for my liking.

Makes me kinda wonder .... someone proposes to a person with whom they keep saying (over a very extended period of time) they will/can never live ... how does that make sense?

Guess someone is thankful they didn't say yes.

The night out was 'ok', floor show was good but I was anxious most of the night, even though most of hte men there were gay and not likely to be interested in a female. I think I purposely didn't put much effort into looking 'good' - though it wasn't conscious. Don't think I'll be trying that again anytime real soon; obviously I'm not ready for it yet and I thought I was getting somewhere close :(

Watching The L Word last night I was pretty stunned by a tingling feeling 'down there' when Jenny and Tim got it on together. Nothing has made me feel that in all this time. Thinking about it afterwards it struck me why ... it wasn't because it was naked bodies having sex, it was because it was a couple who had split reconciling (they didn't actually, but didn't find that out til later in the show). I see this is an indication of something I've been 'fearing' lately - that there is still something inside me somewhere that wants to be reconciled with him.

Perhaps this has been brought to the fore by the fact that he is now living not far from me, which surprised me; would have thought he'd be either living with her, in the country or nowhere near me. Has raised my anxiety level considerably when driving around or shopping in the area. I have no idea how I would react if we happened to see each other. I wonder whether that anxiety is because of my anxiety about reconciling with him (not that I really think he would try) don't know, just thinking out loud.

Thinking of him living by himself I wonder how he is going with that and all the 'getting things organised' stuff that goes with it, how he will cope when he has his son over and there's no one else there to entertain him. Has he got a heater to keep him warm, a decent bed, blankets etc....I'm glad he finally has 'his own place' where he can be who he wants/is with no pressure to be someone else.

I view the fact that I still think of him so often as an indication that I still care, at some level, for him - for his wellbeing, for him to find his 'happiness' that he was searching so hard for. And I think that's dangerous for me - the fact that I still care. I guess because it makes me think that I could still be open to being back with him in some form or other, and I'm not certain whether that's a good thing.

Off to my lonely bed with no one to snuggle up to on these cold winter nights :(