The night out was 'ok', floor show was good but I was anxious most of the night, even though most of hte men there were gay and not likely to be interested in a female. I think I purposely didn't put much effort into looking 'good' - though it wasn't conscious. Don't think I'll be trying that again anytime real soon; obviously I'm not ready for it yet and I thought I was getting somewhere close :(

Watching The L Word last night I was pretty stunned by a tingling feeling 'down there' when Jenny and Tim got it on together. Nothing has made me feel that in all this time. Thinking about it afterwards it struck me why ... it wasn't because it was naked bodies having sex, it was because it was a couple who had split reconciling (they didn't actually, but didn't find that out til later in the show). I see this is an indication of something I've been 'fearing' lately - that there is still something inside me somewhere that wants to be reconciled with him.

Perhaps this has been brought to the fore by the fact that he is now living not far from me, which surprised me; would have thought he'd be either living with her, in the country or nowhere near me. Has raised my anxiety level considerably when driving around or shopping in the area. I have no idea how I would react if we happened to see each other. I wonder whether that anxiety is because of my anxiety about reconciling with him (not that I really think he would try) don't know, just thinking out loud.

Thinking of him living by himself I wonder how he is going with that and all the 'getting things organised' stuff that goes with it, how he will cope when he has his son over and there's no one else there to entertain him. Has he got a heater to keep him warm, a decent bed, blankets etc....I'm glad he finally has 'his own place' where he can be who he wants/is with no pressure to be someone else.

I view the fact that I still think of him so often as an indication that I still care, at some level, for him - for his wellbeing, for him to find his 'happiness' that he was searching so hard for. And I think that's dangerous for me - the fact that I still care. I guess because it makes me think that I could still be open to being back with him in some form or other, and I'm not certain whether that's a good thing.

Off to my lonely bed with no one to snuggle up to on these cold winter nights :(