Taking stock:
Have I started listening to the radio yet? - No
Have I started going to the movies again yet? - No
Do I go out? Tried it once, not likely to try again soon
Have I started reading again yet? - No
Do I look forward to the future? - No
Do I have any dreams? - No
Do I have any plans? - Yes, house repairs
Am I ready to let anyone get close to me? - Definately not
Do I like myself? - No, no idea what I stand for, still in survivor mode, don't want to be the same vulnerable person I was, but no idea what/how else to be.
Sex? - What's that?

Hmmmm haven't progressed very far and it's now coming up to two years.

How can one live a happy life when the foundations by which you live have been shaken and tubled to the ground, shown to only make you vulnerable to the worst hurt you've ever experienced? Rebuild the foundations I guess is the simplest answer, but ethics and morals are part of our entire life experience, developed over our entire lives; these aren't things that you just wake up one day and say are going to be different. I guess in my core I still feel that I was a 'good' person and that the ethics and values I held were worthwhile - I suppose that's why I'm having a hard time trying to 'be' someone else/different. I don't like the person I am at the moment, very closed, very guarded, very self-protective - but then I look back at what I've been through and really shouldn't be surprised.

The wall is still very high - in fact, impenetrable. I think it will stay that way until I am 'happy' with who I am again.

Why did he have to destroy me so?

I don't know whether I can ever be in an open realtionship again, in fact I still don't think I can ever be in any relationship again - I'll be forever fearful of being taken advantage of again, and perhaps end up like her - always suspicious (mind you she had just reason to be so), never trusting (like I once could/foolishly did). Whilst I have those things in me I can't even entertain the idea of being in a relationship - those things are too damaging, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone. A relationship without trust is worth nothing.

How am I to overcome these fears? Being told by the one who did the damage that it was he that was wrong, not me? Unfortunately I've heard his apologies before, and been shown their lack of value and meaning. How I wish I could believe him, but he's taught me too well that I can't :(

Obvious way to dispel fears is by facing them - ie putting myself in the situation where I have to face them, but my soul is not ready and I can't impose my damaged self on someone else, that's not fair (sheeesh there I go with the 'fair' thing - what the hell is that old ethic hanging around for).

Oh well, enough navel gazing and introspection for tonight, as usual it isn't getting me anywhere closer to healed.