Looks like I was correct about him being listed on at least one dating site .... either that or it is extremely co-incidental that after I mention it in the blog and he comes back for another visit here and reads the blog that voila! the listing on the dating site disappears. No, I'm not paranoid, I'm just good at seeing patterns in things, always have been - was one of the things that helped me to help him problem solve .. probably why he sent me that message one night when he was sitting there with computers that wouldn't play nicely saying he missed me and wished I was there to help him (or words to that effect).

I wonder if he had used a different nick on that site so that *she* wouldn't recognise that it was him .... he's done that before. But I knew it was him, hard to miss when you know someone so well. I guess it means they fought in early May and mid-June - or maybe they had been apart all that time ... which would mean he had been apart from her for quite a while when he contacted me... hmm maybe, but if that was the case then why not answer the question .. no, his avoidance of the question indicates that he hadn't been apart from her for long .. still up to his usual way of dealing with things when they're not going his way by the look of it (ie avoidance, deflect or say it's not relevant). Which would mean perhaps they fought at the beginning of May and then again in the middle of June ... sheeesh

And still he seeks to make things difficult, make the road rougher, tougher and nastier than it need be, not keeping to agreements - I really shouldn't be surprised should I, it's his usual modus operandi. And surprised I'm not, but disappointed I am - was him who said something about getting on with our lives, would be far easier to do that if he would stick to his side of the bargain. What a hypocrite. It would help if things went the way they were legally agreed to - I'd have a lot less reason to have him constantly on my mind.... or maybe that's what he wants?

I dislike that I'm so easily spooked at night, especially when home alone... a car stops close by, doors openning and closing, strange banging sounds that seem so close they could be right on the other side of the wall.. Sometimes I wish I had a spare room so I could have a boarder, just so that there would be someone else here; no doubt the house wouldn't be so quiet if there were someone else here and I wouldn't hear so many things that make me jumpy

Treading water...

Was discussing me and my non-life with a friend tonight ... he seems to understand that whilst I'm not 'happy' that doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I'm not progressing, not moving forward. A year is a long time to be just treading water. I guess I should be glad that treading water is at least better than being battered about by the tides; the tides still come but they are gentler than they used to be .. but the lack of progression, in itself, makes me despair.

What's wrong with me? So many times in the past I've had discussions with friends going through rough times and it's often been said to me that I'm a strong person, someone people admire, and that people have learned from me .... I know all the things that are written, I know what I should be doing to move on, but I just can't make myself do it! That's why I'm still just treading water. What is it that's holding me back, stopping me from moving forward, stopping me from 'wanting' to live; it's as if the joie de vie has all been stomped out of me. So I guess I'll just do what I have to do, then when there's no more that I have to do they can finally bury me.

Puff the Magic Dragon...

I'm like Puff ... little Jackie Paper has gone away and I have retreated to my cave. Whilst there's nothing wrong with doing that for a while this has become ridiculous. I know that if anyone even *thought* about wanting to be with me I'd tell them to fuck off - I am *not* going to allow all that relationship bullshit enter my life, and I'm certainly not going to become anyone's 'free' housekeeper and babysitter again.


Yes I know, when you're doing those things for someone you love they're not a chore .. but then when you find out they don't/didn't love you it just makes you feel used

Fuck life, fuck being human, fuck having a heart, fuck being a 'good' person (whatever the hell that is), fuck being someone's 'rock' and strength - oh to be a butterfly and live for just one day

Bath

Man I could really have done with a bath tonight, after having worked in the garden all day; but I just can't, haven't been able to have a soak since before he left:(. It was bought specifically as a bath for two and I keep remembering the baths we used to have, and the very last time that I *tried* to have a stress-reducing bath - which only ended up, thanks to his insensitivity, in me being even more stressed.

House/Financial

Thought more today about my financial situation and the oft-posed comment of selling my house. But it really doesn't ease the financial burden by sufficient amount to make it a worthwhile decision. Rents are as much as a mortgage, and is less secure as well, and units cost almost as much as a house now anyway.

Talking of financial...

I often wonder how he is doing financially, though I guess I shouldn't as having parted company he should have plenty of incoming. Though I'm sure he is *feeling* it with now having to pay rent, electricity etc etc. mind you his petrol bill will be cheaper. Concerned too at what it means in regards to Child Support for him, though at least one of his children is out of the scope of that now I think, and another maybe as well. Has he prepared for the tax bill that he'll no doubt get :( I hope he's ok, I hope he's got himself organised financially (would be unlike him though :() . That was something I wanted to try help him with (when we were supposed to start being 'just friends'), one of the ways I thought I could help him and make a difference for him - to help him get that piece of land that he dreamed about - by himself, so that he wouldn't feel anymore that he had nothing. So that he would finally have a valuable asset, instead of just a collection of small fastly depreciating items.

But no, we couldn't be friends, we weren't allowed to be friends .... because she couldn't trust him.

And so...

here I sit on a Sunday night, alone, nothing to look forward to but another week of selling my soul (what's left of it) for what.... so I can meet my responsibilities, pay the bills, feed the kids etc etc. some people live to work, others work to live, but for me .... I'm just not really living at all. I don't live to work, and I can't say that I work to live, cos I don't *do* anything that you could call 'living'. I can't live, I can't die .....what the fuck am I doing here :( should have gone when I had the chance

Too Many Thoughts, Too Many Wonderings

I wonder:

• why he finally left his parents house, and NOT to move in with her or to the country,
  
• what they fought about this time (probably just the *same* old crap),
  
• What hateful things it is she says about me,
  
• why she sees me as a threat, actually no, I think I have that one sussed, but I do still turn it over in my mind (it's not me that is the threat rather it's the fact that he appears to still have feelings of some kind for me and she feels he still wants to come back and have what he had before cos he misses it so much, poor insecure sole - and doesn't matter what he does she will always be that way, with him at least)
  
• Why, it appears, he is still listed on a dating site (hmm wonder if the visits co-incide with fights)
  
• Why I still listen to the cars coming down the street,
  
• Why I'm still interested in how he is and how he's going,
  
• Why I still think about him,
  
• Wonder how his relationship with his son is going, whether he is giving him the priority he really needs,
  
• How the clients are coping with his way of doing business (I know some aren't pleased cos they've told me so),
  
• Whether I should offer to him first the things I'm thinking of selling/getting rid of ...
  
• Whether I'll ever be 'normal' again :(
  

The list is endless really ... GO AWAY BRAIN, GO AWAY HEART, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Borrowed

His 'cute' little slogan isn't even new, it's borrowed. Silly me to have thought he would have tried to come up with something himself.

Still Dreaming

He is still in my dreams - featured strongly last night , and realised also that when I go to bed I *still* listen to the cars coming up the street .. listening to hear whether one turns into my street and to the house. Gawd, when will this end :(

Blah

I do wish this stress rash on my eyelid/brow would go away instead of getting worse - it's flaking badly, swollen and bleeds slightly. Thankfully most people don't notice it most of the time, but at the moment the skin is flaking off it so badly the inside of my glasses are constantly filled with 'dandruff' and I have to visit the ladies twice a day to remove large flakes.

The one on my elbow has been flaring as well, but the cream has started to bring it back under control, and it's not visible as I wear jumpers all the time at the moment.

When oh when will these reminders that I carry around with me go?

Blah About Major Change He Caused

Been feeling particularly blah about not being in control of the hours in my weekdays lately. The tasks are ok, the people are ok, but I am no longer in control of my own time.

Not being able to 'be there' for the kids .. am starting to feel keenly that there will soon come a time when they are not around/not wanting or needing me as they do now, so I really should be making the most of it... but of course I can't cos of the J.O.B.

Also rather frustrated at wanting to have repairs done to the house, but can't be here to have quotes or work done, so it's just not happening

Can't ever get to HBF to get back money, so have to do it the slowest way - paper and snail mail.

Can't do what I need, let alone want, to BLAH unlike him who does exactly as he pleases when he pleases for the majority of the time!@&^#%#&$(*@#&%(*@#&%(*&@#($&#(@*$&(!@&$ fucking bastard for forcing these changes on me ... oh but of course he didn't *mean* to, didn't *intend* to, didn't *want* to .... but did all the same.

Oh but you can go on the pension and stay home he would say ... yeah except for all the extra debt I'm carrying cos of him, and I'd only get half anyway, and not for James as he has turned 16. Well sell your house then, he would say .... and lose my major source of security? No doubt he'd love to see me have to leave my home ... he'd think that appropriate punishment I'm sure, has said in the past that he hoped I lose my house. (ROFL and this is the person who asks out of the blue for me to meet him, you've *got* to be kidding, right? Oh, I forgot, this is him I'm talking about, how silly of me to, I know he has no idea of appropriate behaviour/how to manage *any* kind of interaction with people - what was I thinking).

To hell with life, I think I'll go drown in the bourbon - it is Friday night afterall (always was bourbon night)

Visits

Why does he visit my site? Well, true, I am only guessing it's him, but it's a fairly well educated guess.

Maybe to see a glimpse of the place he called 'home', maybe to see familiar things again.

Or maybe to find out how I am, maybe he still needs to know. But if he doesn't care about me why would that still be important to him? Perhaps he still seeks to assuage the guilt he feels for what he has done to me. But again, if he didn't care then that wouldn't matter either - 'cos if he didn't care he wouldn't feel any guilt or remorse.

No doubt he still tells her he doesn't care, especially when they fight, but his actions would appear to tell a different story (that was one way I used to *know* he was lying to me - when his words and actions didn't match/were incongruent).

Motivation

My motivation to do anything has not improved :(

There are plenty of things I should be doing here at home, but I just can't psych myself up to do any of it. Of course there isn't anything that I *want* to do, just things that I have to/should do.

Gak, I hate this waiting-around-to-die life.

An Old Web Site

By now they're probably back together again, off on the upward climb, wondering when the next stomach-sickening plummet will occur.

Still thinking about the meeting, and think I'm glad I didn't go - if he were to go on (yet again) about how much he misses his home, the kids, the Friday night bourbons, that deep down he is unhappy and she sees/senses this, that he's tried to have a good time but it's just not the same (like he did at Christmas, and the time before and the time before....ad infinitum).. I just don't know how I would have reacted. Would I have slipped back into the caring and oh so understanding person that I fear is still there inside of me, that I don't dare let out again? Makes me feel bad - seeing familiar things and being the only place he said he ever felt really comfortable no doubt would have eased him some.

Maybe I would have laughed in his face, to hear all the same old lines again? Maybe I would have told him to 'fuck off' like I should have at Christmas? I really don't know, the first one is the one I fear the most, because it would have meant I was back on the rollercoaster again too ... and I *know* that's a really bad thing.

What is this attachment? If he 'couldn't care less' about me I don't think he would have asked to meet, and if I 'couldn't care less' about him then why am I still turning over in my head whether I should have met with him? I don't know (despairing sigh), maybe he still needs to know how I am, like he said he would.

"i think therefore icon" ..... con people maybe, otherwise it don't make much sense. And the jokes ..?? oh yeah, very professional (though I do like the fact that his favourite one happens to be a 'blonde' joke LOL! - guess who's blonde, and it aint me)

Another one that's appropriate for him is 'i speak therefore i lie'

I only ask him to do what he agreed to do under the Deed - and he tried for several months to get out of doing those things; he then asks me to do things that have no legal basis (of which I've been advised at any rate) and were not requirements under the Deed - how can he expect that I would do that?

Maybe he thinks I'm still the 'old' Noala, who would do just about anything he asked. It's as if he doesn't understand that you get what you give.... you know, if you want people to be 'nice' to you then you be nice to them; if you want them to do more than just what's required then you do more than that for them yourself. He certainly hasn't been nice to me so why should I bend over backwards to help him? It's not the way I use to operate, and not what gneneral 'people' deserve or get from me, but it's how he has operates - no that's not true, even operating that way is better than the way he operates (be nasty to someone then expect them to do more than they have to) - and he's taught me there's no point being nice to him, cos with him you don't get back what you give.

The Meeting

I am curious as to what it was he wanted to discuss that had to be done in person. Maybe his most frequently made request of late - to remove my website or any mention of him and 'people associated with him' (geeee I wonder who he could mean by that). I've asked him to provide legal reasons as to why the site/blog should be removed but he has not replied. Other than that I see it simply as a favour or a desire to censor me and what others read. I don't see any reason why I should acquiese to that request unless there is a legal basis to it; it's not as if I owe him any personal favours.

Or maybe there was something else .... wonder what it could have been....?

New Blog

Trying out a new blog - this one allows for comments by readers and is slightly easier for me to update.

Am trying to work out whether I can transfer postings from the old blog to this one but it isn't looking good, might just have to have them as an archive somewhere :(