Bath

Man I could really have done with a bath tonight, after having worked in the garden all day; but I just can't, haven't been able to have a soak since before he left:(. It was bought specifically as a bath for two and I keep remembering the baths we used to have, and the very last time that I *tried* to have a stress-reducing bath - which only ended up, thanks to his insensitivity, in me being even more stressed.

House/Financial

Thought more today about my financial situation and the oft-posed comment of selling my house. But it really doesn't ease the financial burden by sufficient amount to make it a worthwhile decision. Rents are as much as a mortgage, and is less secure as well, and units cost almost as much as a house now anyway.

Talking of financial...

I often wonder how he is doing financially, though I guess I shouldn't as having parted company he should have plenty of incoming. Though I'm sure he is *feeling* it with now having to pay rent, electricity etc etc. mind you his petrol bill will be cheaper. Concerned too at what it means in regards to Child Support for him, though at least one of his children is out of the scope of that now I think, and another maybe as well. Has he prepared for the tax bill that he'll no doubt get :( I hope he's ok, I hope he's got himself organised financially (would be unlike him though :() . That was something I wanted to try help him with (when we were supposed to start being 'just friends'), one of the ways I thought I could help him and make a difference for him - to help him get that piece of land that he dreamed about - by himself, so that he wouldn't feel anymore that he had nothing. So that he would finally have a valuable asset, instead of just a collection of small fastly depreciating items.

But no, we couldn't be friends, we weren't allowed to be friends .... because she couldn't trust him.

And so...

here I sit on a Sunday night, alone, nothing to look forward to but another week of selling my soul (what's left of it) for what.... so I can meet my responsibilities, pay the bills, feed the kids etc etc. some people live to work, others work to live, but for me .... I'm just not really living at all. I don't live to work, and I can't say that I work to live, cos I don't *do* anything that you could call 'living'. I can't live, I can't die .....what the fuck am I doing here :( should have gone when I had the chance