I dislike that I'm so easily spooked at night, especially when home alone... a car stops close by, doors openning and closing, strange banging sounds that seem so close they could be right on the other side of the wall.. Sometimes I wish I had a spare room so I could have a boarder, just so that there would be someone else here; no doubt the house wouldn't be so quiet if there were someone else here and I wouldn't hear so many things that make me jumpy

Treading water...

Was discussing me and my non-life with a friend tonight ... he seems to understand that whilst I'm not 'happy' that doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I'm not progressing, not moving forward. A year is a long time to be just treading water. I guess I should be glad that treading water is at least better than being battered about by the tides; the tides still come but they are gentler than they used to be .. but the lack of progression, in itself, makes me despair.

What's wrong with me? So many times in the past I've had discussions with friends going through rough times and it's often been said to me that I'm a strong person, someone people admire, and that people have learned from me .... I know all the things that are written, I know what I should be doing to move on, but I just can't make myself do it! That's why I'm still just treading water. What is it that's holding me back, stopping me from moving forward, stopping me from 'wanting' to live; it's as if the joie de vie has all been stomped out of me. So I guess I'll just do what I have to do, then when there's no more that I have to do they can finally bury me.

Puff the Magic Dragon...

I'm like Puff ... little Jackie Paper has gone away and I have retreated to my cave. Whilst there's nothing wrong with doing that for a while this has become ridiculous. I know that if anyone even *thought* about wanting to be with me I'd tell them to fuck off - I am *not* going to allow all that relationship bullshit enter my life, and I'm certainly not going to become anyone's 'free' housekeeper and babysitter again.


Yes I know, when you're doing those things for someone you love they're not a chore .. but then when you find out they don't/didn't love you it just makes you feel used

Fuck life, fuck being human, fuck having a heart, fuck being a 'good' person (whatever the hell that is), fuck being someone's 'rock' and strength - oh to be a butterfly and live for just one day