I have a performance review tomororw. Last one was the beginning of May, so it's rather sooner than expected. Not sure if it's because the boss thinks I deserve a raise, thinks I should be doing more, or thinks I've been doing badly (pretty damn unlikely that one though). I don't know how he will take to my alternative suggestion.. have to wait and see. Will make life easier for me if he goes with it.
Some fish died, due to a feeding accident, so spent most of the day with my arms in mucky pond water, oh well, wasn't good gardening weather anyway.
The ugliness at work was tempered with a spending spree, thanks mostly to arrival of my tax refund. Much spending done - for the kids, the cat and me (in about that order) and I may have found someone today who will build my pond in the new entertaining area who will do quotes after work hours and will work on Saturdays! Though it's nice being ahead on the (much expanded) mortgage, it would be good to get something done (even if it's not yet the repairs the house needs).
The spending spree was also because you-know-who did another thing right! Maybe there is a slight thawing? Though I shouldn't kid myself, he's like a yo-yo as far as 'doing the right thing' and then not goes. As a result of him doing something right I've done something right by him too, something I didn't 'have' to do. I feel it's kinda sad that that's the way it has become (wait until he does something right - which actually is just something he is supposed to do - before I do something 'right' for him), but that's how he has shown me is the wisest way to operate where he is concerned, otherwise I just get used :(, and I'm very past that. Was going to drop it by his house but didn't think he would appreciate the 'intrusion', even though I would have just left it in the letterbox
The thoughts of emptyness/loneliness/alone-ness still weigh heavily on my mind. I find it a bit strange that I still sleep on just one side of the bed, still look for his vehicle to and from work/in the general area where he lives, look for him when I'm at the shops - I do it subconsciously and don't know why I keep looking for him. Is it so I can avoid him, or is it because I *want* to see him - I don't know. How is business, how is life, how is *he*, is he happy yet, does he still have his dream and is he any closer to achieving it? How is his relationship with his children and his family?
And the navel gazing continues ... am I ready yet? No, far from it. Am I *living* yet? No, just doing for the sake of doing. Do I have dreams yet? No, just meeting responsibilities still. Am I planning yet? No, except for previous answer. Do I believe in myself yet? No :( Why is my road to recovery so hard and slow, what is holding me back - no idea. What do *I* *want* to do? NFI What's something I'd enjoy doing? NFI
Oh to have someone there at night to hug me and snuggle with, and for whom I'm their special one, someone to share the load, someone who cares about me, someone to be there for me, who can't do without me - he was that person and I was that person for him.
I really should stop reading relationship columns, they just emphasise that we're not supposed to be alone :(. But then again I guess that should ameliorate my feeling that there must be something wrong with me to feel the need to have that person in my life (often feel it's wrong to feel the need to have someone who is those things to be feel satisfied).
Where oh where is that cardio/lobotomy
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