Still Here..

Worst luck :( Heart keep spounding away, breath keeps going in and out of my body keeping it alive - I wish my brain would finally tell them there's no point, no reason to keep going.

And still I keep thinking of him ... came across some SMS's he sent me at Christmas.... the one that sticks in my head is when he said 'At night in the dark all I want is to come home and it's been like this ever since I left and I don't know why.' This was 11 months after he left!! This is 3 months after he proposed to her!!

On Enough Rope recently they had a family of a person who had been 'missing' for three years - the mother said a 'good' day was when she only thought of him about 20 times, and that she wishes she could have a lobotomy so she could just 'forget it' (ie not think about him). Pretty much sums up how I feel about him too.

Sometimes I wish the clock would go back and I had never met him ... but that's not true really, we built such a good life together, had such a good time ... but then again all those memories bring me now are pain and grief, so maybe it would be better if they hadn't happened at all. I know he enjoyed our life too, becuase he tried to re-create it with her - but of course, ashe told me, it just wasn't the same.

Other time I wish the clock would go back to before the apocalypse started. Sometimes so that I could deal with it differently (ie kick his butt out of here so fast he wouldn't know what had hit him - if I had have done that maybe he would have come back - for real instead of the pretence he gave me of doing so), other times so as to just avoid the catastrophe.

But he was unhappy - that's why he went to be with her, cos he thought she would make him happy. But then he was still unhappy, and couldn't do without me.

I'm in need of a neuro and cardiosurgeon, tis the only way I can imagine that I wont think/care about him every day :(

I sit here and watch him grabbing onto The Next Big Thing, which is actually quite an old thing now, but it's new for him, so he'll be excited about it, putting a lot of time into it no doubt, possibly in manic mode. He's very good at starting things and getting them up and running .... but then once it 'works' he looses interest (just like he lost interest in me I guess).

And I wonder whether it's serving as a distraction; whether he needs a distraction for a particular reason

Oh, I just remembered that you read this - may I have a statement please as per my unanswered letter.