Thursday, September 30, 2004
Safe-r For Now
Security
Well those sods that keep breaking in/trying to break in here will have a more difficult time next time they visit. Added bonus is that the cat will have a harder time escaping from the house now too, especially with finer weather coming and we'll be wanting to have just the screen door open.
I feel bad that I've probably just 'pushed' the problem on to someone else who can't afford security, but what else am I supposed to do? In a way I hope that's what happens rather than them trying more forceful ways of getting in :( bad thought that one for a woman who is on her own half the time :(
As a single woman security has become a bigger issue for me than before. I feel very vulnerable when here on my own (though it doesn't seem to bother the burglars whether I'm on my own or not). I still have a garden stake in my wardrobe, but I'd probably be too scared to use it in fear of having it used against/on me. Hmm maybe I should take the mobile phone upstairs every night so I have quick access to call someone if something bad happens.
I wonder what other single women do in regards to security? Ones, that is, that can't afford heavy duty security all around their house, or an alarm system, or a big beefy guy to watch over you. Sometimes I feel like putting a sign on the door that says 'single mother lives here, please rob someone else'.
Cat
The puss is very happy with her new scratching tower (it's far more than a scratching post). Can sit up high and watch over us from the lofty heights, and hide in the hidey holes. And yes, she does actually scratch on it too.
Brain Still Working :(
Pleeeease someone tell me how to turn my brain and heart off :( I wish I were dumb and stupid and had no feelings. Mind you, I guess if that were the case I wouldn't have a lot of the things in my life that I have .. great kids, great ex husband, few but very loyal good friends, house (bit of a love/hate relationship that one - financially, physically, mentally and emotionally), and just about able to meet my financial responsibilites.
I think about him so often every day :( Can't think of a day that I haven't thought about him at least a handful of times, most days it's far more than that. Think about all kinds of things - how is he, is his hair still short, does he have a nice bed to sleep in (other than hers), is he still enduring Leggo Land, does he yet do just whatever he wants when he wants (guess the answer to that is no), has he been building the relationship with his sister like he said he wanted to, does he have many friends, is he lonely, does he still watch lots of movies :), play his music way up loud :), still crash his car, buy clothes *he* likes and is comfortable in, enjoy a bourbon on Friday nights, go to the Breakwater, see Beth, go camping, workout .... too many thoughts.
Don't know why I wanted to say hello so badly. I have no idea whether I wanted anything to happen of it other than to receive a reply; I don't *think* I wanted to see him/meet with him. If he is of the opinion that enough water has gone under the bridge (as he said a few months ago) then why was it so bad that I should want to say a simply hello? I really can't see any reason for the 'problems' he talked about other than a certain third party. Maybe enough water *has* gone under the bridge for him, but not for her. Sad for him if that is the case, means she is still pulling his leash, still needs to control him.
He's been putting effort into web sites, one in particular I think looks pretty good, others are a bit so-so. Still can't spell or proof read.
Self
How am I? Had a real attack of the 'blahs' on the weekend, doing slightly better now - I think getting the screens done has done that. Still very 'down' on myself as a person/personal 'worth'. Don't know how to recover, not really sure that I even want to cos there just seems no point to it.
Well those sods that keep breaking in/trying to break in here will have a more difficult time next time they visit. Added bonus is that the cat will have a harder time escaping from the house now too, especially with finer weather coming and we'll be wanting to have just the screen door open.
I feel bad that I've probably just 'pushed' the problem on to someone else who can't afford security, but what else am I supposed to do? In a way I hope that's what happens rather than them trying more forceful ways of getting in :( bad thought that one for a woman who is on her own half the time :(
As a single woman security has become a bigger issue for me than before. I feel very vulnerable when here on my own (though it doesn't seem to bother the burglars whether I'm on my own or not). I still have a garden stake in my wardrobe, but I'd probably be too scared to use it in fear of having it used against/on me. Hmm maybe I should take the mobile phone upstairs every night so I have quick access to call someone if something bad happens.
I wonder what other single women do in regards to security? Ones, that is, that can't afford heavy duty security all around their house, or an alarm system, or a big beefy guy to watch over you. Sometimes I feel like putting a sign on the door that says 'single mother lives here, please rob someone else'.
Cat
The puss is very happy with her new scratching tower (it's far more than a scratching post). Can sit up high and watch over us from the lofty heights, and hide in the hidey holes. And yes, she does actually scratch on it too.
Brain Still Working :(
Pleeeease someone tell me how to turn my brain and heart off :( I wish I were dumb and stupid and had no feelings. Mind you, I guess if that were the case I wouldn't have a lot of the things in my life that I have .. great kids, great ex husband, few but very loyal good friends, house (bit of a love/hate relationship that one - financially, physically, mentally and emotionally), and just about able to meet my financial responsibilites.
I think about him so often every day :( Can't think of a day that I haven't thought about him at least a handful of times, most days it's far more than that. Think about all kinds of things - how is he, is his hair still short, does he have a nice bed to sleep in (other than hers), is he still enduring Leggo Land, does he yet do just whatever he wants when he wants (guess the answer to that is no), has he been building the relationship with his sister like he said he wanted to, does he have many friends, is he lonely, does he still watch lots of movies :), play his music way up loud :), still crash his car, buy clothes *he* likes and is comfortable in, enjoy a bourbon on Friday nights, go to the Breakwater, see Beth, go camping, workout .... too many thoughts.
Don't know why I wanted to say hello so badly. I have no idea whether I wanted anything to happen of it other than to receive a reply; I don't *think* I wanted to see him/meet with him. If he is of the opinion that enough water has gone under the bridge (as he said a few months ago) then why was it so bad that I should want to say a simply hello? I really can't see any reason for the 'problems' he talked about other than a certain third party. Maybe enough water *has* gone under the bridge for him, but not for her. Sad for him if that is the case, means she is still pulling his leash, still needs to control him.
He's been putting effort into web sites, one in particular I think looks pretty good, others are a bit so-so. Still can't spell or proof read
Self
How am I? Had a real attack of the 'blahs' on the weekend, doing slightly better now - I think getting the screens done has done that. Still very 'down' on myself as a person/personal 'worth'. Don't know how to recover, not really sure that I even want to cos there just seems no point to it.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Saturday, September 25, 2004
"One ping only"
Well I did it, sent 'one ping only' .. said "hello", didn't ask to meet, didn't ask any questions, didn't ask how he was, how things were going; just said hello; finally giving in to my gut, which had been telling me for well over a week to do it, so I did.
No matter that he contacted me out 'out of the blue' and asked to meet; the simple act of me saying 'hello' 'out of the blue' and for no reason caused 'lots of problems' .... hmm gee now let me guess who it actually caused problems for - not him is my guess, but for someone else :( The Gestapo would seem to be at it again; who he can and cannot have contact with, even though it's been said a number of times that he *can* have contact with me.
Or maybe it's only OK when it's on *his* terms ... ie only when *he* wants to have contact; that would seem true to form.
And of course he just thinks out to cause trouble - wanting to cause him problems; shit, as if I haven't had enough opportunities to do that if that was my intent!
I don't know why I wanted to say hello, it was just 'there', just something I needed to do. Didn't want to meet with him, (as he asked me to do only a few months ago). Just wanted/needed to say hello, I don't even understand why for myself.
Perhaps it was because of seeing his mum? hmm no, the 'one ping only' post was before that, so I was feeling it before then. Maybe to see if he was right... if enough water had passed under the bridge for us to be able to talk without having a fight? ...well I guess we didn't fight, did we, just traded a few messages.
Seems her suspicious mindset has rubbed off on him :( and now he doubts what folk say to him.
No matter that he contacted me out 'out of the blue' and asked to meet; the simple act of me saying 'hello' 'out of the blue' and for no reason caused 'lots of problems' .... hmm gee now let me guess who it actually caused problems for - not him is my guess, but for someone else :( The Gestapo would seem to be at it again; who he can and cannot have contact with, even though it's been said a number of times that he *can* have contact with me.
Or maybe it's only OK when it's on *his* terms ... ie only when *he* wants to have contact; that would seem true to form.
And of course he just thinks out to cause trouble - wanting to cause him problems; shit, as if I haven't had enough opportunities to do that if that was my intent!
I don't know why I wanted to say hello, it was just 'there', just something I needed to do. Didn't want to meet with him, (as he asked me to do only a few months ago). Just wanted/needed to say hello, I don't even understand why for myself.
Perhaps it was because of seeing his mum? hmm no, the 'one ping only' post was before that, so I was feeling it before then. Maybe to see if he was right... if enough water had passed under the bridge for us to be able to talk without having a fight? ...well I guess we didn't fight, did we, just traded a few messages.
Seems her suspicious mindset has rubbed off on him :( and now he doubts what folk say to him.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Round and Round and Round We Go ..
It's coming up to ohh nearly three months now since their last fight - when he no doubt said again that this was the last time, that he'd had enough of the fighting, that he was tired of the fighting and just wanted to be happy, when he realised just how deep her mistrust of him is - even after all this time - but then, of course, hopped straight back on to that rollercoaster to hell.
Yes, I *know* they are back together again.
Why? Oh, because he 'loves' her, of course. It's the same thing that abused spouses often say about their abusive partners, as they head back into the boxing ring again - despite all the advice to the contrary.
Is he happy yet? Has he found what he was looking for? Has that sadness deep inside gone? Has he developed any better people skills (and I'm not talking about his clients)? Some how I doubt it.
Has he saved enough for that deposit yet? He seemed to think we could in three-six months; he's had plenty of extra income for a year now, surely he has managed that by now? Or is he still blowing it on DVD's, trinkets, trips, going to the cinema and restaurants and basically frittering it away .. and in a few years time wonder where it's all gone and why he still has basically nothing to show for it :( No doubt he will blame that on me, despite it not being true.
Maybe he is just pretending to be happy, I know how good he is at pretending that. If folk don't look too hard I probably seem ok too - just a normal person. But only the person themselves know the truth, others only see what you want them too.
I am better than I was, yes, but I'm still not a 'whole' person; not really living life. I still mistrust myself when it comes to people, and I don't know how to ever get over that .... I wonder if it's like that for her (except that it's not herself she doesn't trust, it's him)? I know not everyone is bad, not everyone is a liar, not everyone will rip out your heart/soul and spit and stomp on it - but I've proved that I don't know how to tell. And I am not willing to take the risk to find out the hard way. Am I supposed to thank him for that, for bringing this realisation to me, for showing me how blind I can be, for showing me how poor a judge of character I am?
A new acquaintance once said to me 'if I've not disappointed you then you haven't known me long enough'; obviously I knew /\ faaarrr tooo long. About the only thing he has done consistently these last two years is disappoint people; it would be nice if it were different.
The main thing that having written all of this I find myself asking myself is ... even when I know all this of him, why is it that I still care?
Yes, I *know* they are back together again.
Why? Oh, because he 'loves' her, of course. It's the same thing that abused spouses often say about their abusive partners, as they head back into the boxing ring again - despite all the advice to the contrary.
Is he happy yet? Has he found what he was looking for? Has that sadness deep inside gone? Has he developed any better people skills (and I'm not talking about his clients)? Some how I doubt it.
Has he saved enough for that deposit yet? He seemed to think we could in three-six months; he's had plenty of extra income for a year now, surely he has managed that by now? Or is he still blowing it on DVD's, trinkets, trips, going to the cinema and restaurants and basically frittering it away .. and in a few years time wonder where it's all gone and why he still has basically nothing to show for it :( No doubt he will blame that on me, despite it not being true.
Maybe he is just pretending to be happy, I know how good he is at pretending that. If folk don't look too hard I probably seem ok too - just a normal person. But only the person themselves know the truth, others only see what you want them too.
I am better than I was, yes, but I'm still not a 'whole' person; not really living life. I still mistrust myself when it comes to people, and I don't know how to ever get over that .... I wonder if it's like that for her (except that it's not herself she doesn't trust, it's him)? I know not everyone is bad, not everyone is a liar, not everyone will rip out your heart/soul and spit and stomp on it - but I've proved that I don't know how to tell. And I am not willing to take the risk to find out the hard way. Am I supposed to thank him for that, for bringing this realisation to me, for showing me how blind I can be, for showing me how poor a judge of character I am?
A new acquaintance once said to me 'if I've not disappointed you then you haven't known me long enough'; obviously I knew /\ faaarrr tooo long. About the only thing he has done consistently these last two years is disappoint people; it would be nice if it were different.
The main thing that having written all of this I find myself asking myself is ... even when I know all this of him, why is it that I still care?
Friday, September 10, 2004
Thursday, September 09, 2004
They're trying agin ...
Some one tried to break into the house again last night - second time in less than a month. They didn't make it this time thank goodness, but what a crappy way to start the day :(
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Where I'm At.
The 'state' in which I'm in is of continuing concern to me; the fact that I may still be in 'depression', that I seem unable to 'make' myself do the things that most likely would see me start to make 'progress', that I cognitively know what is required but have no will to do those things, mostly, I think, because I simply have no belief that they would work. Partly because I have tried some of those things and found them not to help (quite the opposite).
In regards to the not 'making' myself do things, I guess the advice of 'fake it til you make it' comes to mind ... but, particularly in respect to social situations/the possibility of trying out a new friendship, the other advice, which is totally contrary, of 'don't pretend to be something you're not, cos you'll quickly be found out' haunts me; let alone the fact that I would not want to deceive anyone into thinking I'm something (happy go-lucky, carefree etc etc) that I'm not. The 'fake it til you make it' advice is just so dishonest and deceitful in my eyes, I couldn't do that.
Part of the problem is that I have a brain and use it. Another part is that I have no belief - starting to think it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy (like hers about trust is) ... I don't believe 'things' (processes, activities etc a counsellor/book/program would suggest) will help and therefore they don't. How do you get out of that cycle?
Another part is, of course, that the damage to the core of me, who I am and what I believe is true and right/good, my faith in myself, has been extreme - to an extent that I do not wish to occur again, and therefore I am, no doubt, 'protecting' myself from it recurring. By trying to 'progress'/'move on' I think my subconscious sees only opportunities for the same thing to recur, and therefore stops me from being able to progress.
Yeah, I know, too much self-analysing going on again, but when you're not getting better, not improving you can't help but try work out why - especially when you think it may be your own self that is stopping you. Hardest part about trying to work out what your subconscious is thinking is that you never know if you're on the right track.
And then after turning all that over in my head, I stop and think "Sheeesh girl, you've been through hell, don't be so rough on yourself, it's no wonder you are the way you are!", and I'm back to square one.
New Poem
"On Non-Recovery"
I look at my piece of half-heart
Sitting there on the shelf.
All wrapped up in the cotton wool.
It sits there doing nothing,
Feeling nothing,
Still un-whole.
Not grown,
Not repaired,
Not healed;
Just … there.
No wonder, I think,
I can’t function as a person,
When my heart
Isn’t in it.
Can’t risk putting it back in;
It’s too precious now and so small,
Being only half of what it was.
If it were to be hurt
There’d be none left at all.
Not willing to risk that.
So my body continues,
Lives on without its heart;
Doing what it must.
And so I leave each day,
Another one done.
Another one closer to when my heart can rest.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Some stuff started to come out about the other half of my heart, but I think I'll leave the poem as is ... for now at least.
In regards to the not 'making' myself do things, I guess the advice of 'fake it til you make it' comes to mind ... but, particularly in respect to social situations/the possibility of trying out a new friendship, the other advice, which is totally contrary, of 'don't pretend to be something you're not, cos you'll quickly be found out' haunts me; let alone the fact that I would not want to deceive anyone into thinking I'm something (happy go-lucky, carefree etc etc) that I'm not. The 'fake it til you make it' advice is just so dishonest and deceitful in my eyes, I couldn't do that.
Part of the problem is that I have a brain and use it. Another part is that I have no belief - starting to think it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy (like hers about trust is) ... I don't believe 'things' (processes, activities etc a counsellor/book/program would suggest) will help and therefore they don't. How do you get out of that cycle?
Another part is, of course, that the damage to the core of me, who I am and what I believe is true and right/good, my faith in myself, has been extreme - to an extent that I do not wish to occur again, and therefore I am, no doubt, 'protecting' myself from it recurring. By trying to 'progress'/'move on' I think my subconscious sees only opportunities for the same thing to recur, and therefore stops me from being able to progress.
Yeah, I know, too much self-analysing going on again, but when you're not getting better, not improving you can't help but try work out why - especially when you think it may be your own self that is stopping you. Hardest part about trying to work out what your subconscious is thinking is that you never know if you're on the right track.
And then after turning all that over in my head, I stop and think "Sheeesh girl, you've been through hell, don't be so rough on yourself, it's no wonder you are the way you are!", and I'm back to square one.
New Poem
"On Non-Recovery"
I look at my piece of half-heart
Sitting there on the shelf.
All wrapped up in the cotton wool.
It sits there doing nothing,
Feeling nothing,
Still un-whole.
Not grown,
Not repaired,
Not healed;
Just … there.
No wonder, I think,
I can’t function as a person,
When my heart
Isn’t in it.
Can’t risk putting it back in;
It’s too precious now and so small,
Being only half of what it was.
If it were to be hurt
There’d be none left at all.
Not willing to risk that.
So my body continues,
Lives on without its heart;
Doing what it must.
And so I leave each day,
Another one done.
Another one closer to when my heart can rest.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Some stuff started to come out about the other half of my heart, but I think I'll leave the poem as is ... for now at least.
Monday, September 06, 2004
Removal of Profile
I wonder why he remove his profile from that dating site? Why should it matter that I knew it was him, even under a different nick?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
