It's coming up to ohh nearly three months now since their last fight - when he no doubt said again that this was the last time, that he'd had enough of the fighting, that he was tired of the fighting and just wanted to be happy, when he realised just how deep her mistrust of him is - even after all this time - but then, of course, hopped straight back on to that rollercoaster to hell.
Yes, I *know* they are back together again.
Why? Oh, because he 'loves' her, of course. It's the same thing that abused spouses often say about their abusive partners, as they head back into the boxing ring again - despite all the advice to the contrary.
Is he happy yet? Has he found what he was looking for? Has that sadness deep inside gone? Has he developed any better people skills (and I'm not talking about his clients)? Some how I doubt it.
Has he saved enough for that deposit yet? He seemed to think we could in three-six months; he's had plenty of extra income for a year now, surely he has managed that by now? Or is he still blowing it on DVD's, trinkets, trips, going to the cinema and restaurants and basically frittering it away .. and in a few years time wonder where it's all gone and why he still has basically nothing to show for it :( No doubt he will blame that on me, despite it not being true.
Maybe he is just pretending to be happy, I know how good he is at pretending that. If folk don't look too hard I probably seem ok too - just a normal person. But only the person themselves know the truth, others only see what you want them too.
I am better than I was, yes, but I'm still not a 'whole' person; not really living life. I still mistrust myself when it comes to people, and I don't know how to ever get over that .... I wonder if it's like that for her (except that it's not herself she doesn't trust, it's him)? I know not everyone is bad, not everyone is a liar, not everyone will rip out your heart/soul and spit and stomp on it - but I've proved that I don't know how to tell. And I am not willing to take the risk to find out the hard way. Am I supposed to thank him for that, for bringing this realisation to me, for showing me how blind I can be, for showing me how poor a judge of character I am?
A new acquaintance once said to me 'if I've not disappointed you then you haven't known me long enough'; obviously I knew /\ faaarrr tooo long. About the only thing he has done consistently these last two years is disappoint people; it would be nice if it were different.
The main thing that having written all of this I find myself asking myself is ... even when I know all this of him, why is it that I still care?
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