Where I'm At.

The 'state' in which I'm in is of continuing concern to me; the fact that I may still be in 'depression', that I seem unable to 'make' myself do the things that most likely would see me start to make 'progress', that I cognitively know what is required but have no will to do those things, mostly, I think, because I simply have no belief that they would work. Partly because I have tried some of those things and found them not to help (quite the opposite).

In regards to the not 'making' myself do things, I guess the advice of 'fake it til you make it' comes to mind ... but, particularly in respect to social situations/the possibility of trying out a new friendship, the other advice, which is totally contrary, of 'don't pretend to be something you're not, cos you'll quickly be found out' haunts me; let alone the fact that I would not want to deceive anyone into thinking I'm something (happy go-lucky, carefree etc etc) that I'm not. The 'fake it til you make it' advice is just so dishonest and deceitful in my eyes, I couldn't do that.

Part of the problem is that I have a brain and use it. Another part is that I have no belief - starting to think it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy (like hers about trust is) ... I don't believe 'things' (processes, activities etc a counsellor/book/program would suggest) will help and therefore they don't. How do you get out of that cycle?

Another part is, of course, that the damage to the core of me, who I am and what I believe is true and right/good, my faith in myself, has been extreme - to an extent that I do not wish to occur again, and therefore I am, no doubt, 'protecting' myself from it recurring. By trying to 'progress'/'move on' I think my subconscious sees only opportunities for the same thing to recur, and therefore stops me from being able to progress.

Yeah, I know, too much self-analysing going on again, but when you're not getting better, not improving you can't help but try work out why - especially when you think it may be your own self that is stopping you. Hardest part about trying to work out what your subconscious is thinking is that you never know if you're on the right track.

And then after turning all that over in my head, I stop and think "Sheeesh girl, you've been through hell, don't be so rough on yourself, it's no wonder you are the way you are!", and I'm back to square one.

New Poem

"On Non-Recovery"

I look at my piece of half-heart
Sitting there on the shelf.
All wrapped up in the cotton wool.

It sits there doing nothing,
Feeling nothing,
Still un-whole.

Not grown,
Not repaired,
Not healed;
Just … there.

No wonder, I think,
I can’t function as a person,
When my heart
Isn’t in it.

Can’t risk putting it back in;
It’s too precious now and so small,
Being only half of what it was.

If it were to be hurt
There’d be none left at all.
Not willing to risk that.

So my body continues,
Lives on without its heart;
Doing what it must.

And so I leave each day,
Another one done.
Another one closer to when my heart can rest.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some stuff started to come out about the other half of my heart, but I think I'll leave the poem as is ... for now at least.