..let my mind turn to mush so I will stop thinking and dreaming of him.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Weekend Review
The weekend commenced on an unexpectedly good note, with an unrequested mailing from you know who. Friday night was blah, wandering around the house trying to find something to do, eventually fell asleep in front of the box .
Saturday was a total waste other than doing the grocery shopping. Could have/should have done lots of things, but didn't, and the tradesman that was coming to quote on ceiling repairs didn't show nor phone. It is SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo impossible trying to get my house repaired when working full time :( Got to the end of the day and had done nothing .. again :(
Saturday evening went to dinner with close friends, nothing flash, somewhere nearby that I hadn't tried yet. Food was good and they wouldn't let me pay! I would say 'I'm lucky' to have such good friends, but I know that luck has nothing to do with it. Came back home for coffee after and watched most of Gladiator on SBS.
Sunday morning woke up foggy - only had one bourbon and one port Saturday night, what a two pot screamer I've become :( Not like the times the two of us would go through a bottle of bourbon in a night and not be particularly drunk ...maybe that's a good thing, but I really see it as a reflection of what an anti-socialiser I've become :(:(
Sunday was productive. Finally used the sander that I bought about 2 months ago - have got the BBQ trolley half in bits and sanded the bits I've managed to pull off, but I need help to get the rest apart :( yet another reminder that I don't have a partner, he used to like woodwork too (well, he did for a short while - like most things, lost interest pretty quickly). Have booked myself in for a Bunning Ladies DIY Night - maybe I really don't need to go.
Not much gardening done as I'm waiting for the garden design to come back - don't know how I'll last two weeks with no gardening though :( Replenished the now-defunct bulb bowl by planting it with some herb/salad seeds, and prepared the defunct bulbs for storage. Mowed the final strip of the verge that I (and the bin) couldn't manage last weekend.
Self
Having a project to work on (eg BBQ trolley) is a good thing, I felt pleased at the progress made. But then it's still just something to pass the time, not something I do for me or for the inate pleasure of doing it. Good for my self esteem I guess, fictional deities know I still need every positive stroke I can get on that score. And at least it took my mind of you know who for a few hours.
Those thoughts are still ever-present, when I wake, when I shower, when I make coffee or a meal, when I drive, go shopping... anything and everything. How is he, what's he doing, how's business, how much water under the bridge, how is the 'ride' treating him .... aaarrrggghhhh.
Felt like an extra leg at dinner .. dinner for three is weird, maybe a round table would have been better. Three at a table for four looks like someone didn't come. Or maybe the restaurant should just set the table differently when they know it's going to be three for dinner (which they did, having made a booking).
Thunderbolt did his first Learners test, missed out by one question. It reminded me that he will soon be off and about and here less often, I'm not looking forward to that (not because I don't want him to do it or am overly fearful for him, it's just another reminder that my main reason for being will be leaving soon ....a hurdle I'm most definately *not* looking forward to).
And so another week presents itself to be survived, gotten through, time to be passed, doing for the sake of doing, living but not living.
Saturday was a total waste other than doing the grocery shopping. Could have/should have done lots of things, but didn't, and the tradesman that was coming to quote on ceiling repairs didn't show nor phone. It is SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo impossible trying to get my house repaired when working full time :( Got to the end of the day and had done nothing .. again :(
Saturday evening went to dinner with close friends, nothing flash, somewhere nearby that I hadn't tried yet. Food was good and they wouldn't let me pay! I would say 'I'm lucky' to have such good friends, but I know that luck has nothing to do with it. Came back home for coffee after and watched most of Gladiator on SBS.
Sunday morning woke up foggy - only had one bourbon and one port Saturday night, what a two pot screamer I've become :( Not like the times the two of us would go through a bottle of bourbon in a night and not be particularly drunk ...maybe that's a good thing, but I really see it as a reflection of what an anti-socialiser I've become :(:(
Sunday was productive. Finally used the sander that I bought about 2 months ago - have got the BBQ trolley half in bits and sanded the bits I've managed to pull off, but I need help to get the rest apart :( yet another reminder that I don't have a partner, he used to like woodwork too (well, he did for a short while - like most things, lost interest pretty quickly). Have booked myself in for a Bunning Ladies DIY Night - maybe I really don't need to go.
Not much gardening done as I'm waiting for the garden design to come back - don't know how I'll last two weeks with no gardening though :( Replenished the now-defunct bulb bowl by planting it with some herb/salad seeds, and prepared the defunct bulbs for storage. Mowed the final strip of the verge that I (and the bin) couldn't manage last weekend.
Self
Having a project to work on (eg BBQ trolley) is a good thing, I felt pleased at the progress made. But then it's still just something to pass the time, not something I do for me or for the inate pleasure of doing it. Good for my self esteem I guess, fictional deities know I still need every positive stroke I can get on that score. And at least it took my mind of you know who for a few hours.
Those thoughts are still ever-present, when I wake, when I shower, when I make coffee or a meal, when I drive, go shopping... anything and everything. How is he, what's he doing, how's business, how much water under the bridge, how is the 'ride' treating him .... aaarrrggghhhh.
Felt like an extra leg at dinner .. dinner for three is weird, maybe a round table would have been better. Three at a table for four looks like someone didn't come. Or maybe the restaurant should just set the table differently when they know it's going to be three for dinner (which they did, having made a booking).
Thunderbolt did his first Learners test, missed out by one question. It reminded me that he will soon be off and about and here less often, I'm not looking forward to that (not because I don't want him to do it or am overly fearful for him, it's just another reminder that my main reason for being will be leaving soon ....a hurdle I'm most definately *not* looking forward to).
And so another week presents itself to be survived, gotten through, time to be passed, doing for the sake of doing, living but not living.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Dreams and other shite ...
DREAM
I dreamt about him again last night ...he was back with his wife (his partner before me). His hair was white at the front and grey at the back, still shortish, but not as short as it used to be. We were out in the country somewhere ... a lake which had receeded from the banks considerably, leaving large expanse of mud/wet sand to walk on, and lots of shallow water. The mud/sand was coloured reddish brown, like the dirt up north.
They had had a baby, I guess it was about 6 - 9 months old, but it was so tiny, much smaller than it should have been. He was walking in the shallow water with it, holding it by the arms letting the baby 'walk'. I asked what his name was and the reply was 'James' - it rocked me (as it is my own son's name). I indicated my surprise and his reply was that he'd been on such a rollercoaster and had needed to name the baby James. That's where the dream ended.
Other Thoughts
I find it weird that when he was listed on the dating site that his 'what he is looking for' was 'someone like me, a computer geek but with jubblies' (or wording extremely similar)... I find it very interesting considering that *she* is certainly no computer geek! (but guess who is).
Weekends
I really need to go back to planning my weekends - even if it is just what I'm going to do at home. I'm finding myself doing nothing at all, then regretting it when Monday morning comes and I have to go back to work.
Clearing out..
Managed to actually sell some of the old camping gear this week, via the Quokka. Seems advertising it in the paper is more successful than just advertising online. Had someone come look at the whipper snipper too, but they hadn't read the ad properly and were looking for a petrol one, not electric. Might try putting the trampoline in there, got about 5 enquiries last time just from an online ad, much get rid of it if I put it in the paper.
Life
Talking to a friend yesterday he was asking what I do with myself in the evenings, and after running through it he said 'You sound bored' (ie not bored to be talking with him, but is what he felt was reflected by what I told him). He's right, I'm bored with life, I don't want to be here, I'm just doing it because I have to.
I dreamt about him again last night ...he was back with his wife (his partner before me). His hair was white at the front and grey at the back, still shortish, but not as short as it used to be. We were out in the country somewhere ... a lake which had receeded from the banks considerably, leaving large expanse of mud/wet sand to walk on, and lots of shallow water. The mud/sand was coloured reddish brown, like the dirt up north.
They had had a baby, I guess it was about 6 - 9 months old, but it was so tiny, much smaller than it should have been. He was walking in the shallow water with it, holding it by the arms letting the baby 'walk'. I asked what his name was and the reply was 'James' - it rocked me (as it is my own son's name). I indicated my surprise and his reply was that he'd been on such a rollercoaster and had needed to name the baby James. That's where the dream ended.
Other Thoughts
I find it weird that when he was listed on the dating site that his 'what he is looking for' was 'someone like me, a computer geek but with jubblies' (or wording extremely similar)... I find it very interesting considering that *she* is certainly no computer geek! (but guess who is).
Weekends
I really need to go back to planning my weekends - even if it is just what I'm going to do at home. I'm finding myself doing nothing at all, then regretting it when Monday morning comes and I have to go back to work.
Clearing out..
Managed to actually sell some of the old camping gear this week, via the Quokka. Seems advertising it in the paper is more successful than just advertising online. Had someone come look at the whipper snipper too, but they hadn't read the ad properly and were looking for a petrol one, not electric. Might try putting the trampoline in there, got about 5 enquiries last time just from an online ad, much get rid of it if I put it in the paper.
Life
Talking to a friend yesterday he was asking what I do with myself in the evenings, and after running through it he said 'You sound bored' (ie not bored to be talking with him, but is what he felt was reflected by what I told him). He's right, I'm bored with life, I don't want to be here, I'm just doing it because I have to.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
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