QaF Quote

On QaF tonight:
"A relationship without honesty is just a cheap imitation of a relationship."

Reminded That I'm On The Sidelines

On the way to work this morning, and again on the way home, there was a car up on the middle island of the road .. . left from a prang I guess, no sign of driver/owner.

It struck me quite strongly, looking at that car, that I am like that car - on the sidelines, going nowhere, whilst the rest of life (the stream of traffic) passes by and continues on.

It didn't make me feel sad or depressed, or bad, was just a parallel that I saw. That I'm sitting on the sidelines, smashed up and not moving.

Guess I'm having trouble getting/finding the panel beaters, previous posts indicate that maybe I think the vehicle isn't worth repairing/is a write-off, or that I don't want to join back into the flow of traffic anyway cos of the fear of another crash - no matter how careful *I* am (there are maniacs out there on the road!), so no point repairing it. Am I waiting for the tow-truck, or for my owner to come back and get me, or for *anyone* to claim me/tow me away? I don't know, I used to have enough vrrroooom in my engine to take myself off to be fixed - but now there's no driver (aka motivation/dream/aspiration) so I just sit here on the island. Still don't know the answer to that . I'ts ok on the sidelines, I'm out of harms way, except for the weathering of time.

And what of the one who caused the crash ... looks like that one's been to the panel shop, but you can always tell a car that's been in a crash, or at least so the car salesmen say!

It Was so Lovely....

..to drive up to the house this evening and see the beautifully mown verge. I am fortunate to have such a good friend . Am so glad he come over yesterday - it got me off my arse and out there too, chopped down the defunct willow tree from the front lawn with my handy dandy chain saw.

Whilst watching me put the chain back on - with it all seemingly in bits and toolbox close to hand, pulling out screwdrivers and sockets - he commented that I have more power tools than a lot of men he knows.

I guess I'm not all that of a 'usual' woman. I'm not afraid of getting dirty, grabbing the chain saw (which I bought for myself) and cutting down a tree, or pulling the BBQ trolley apart and using a sander (which I also bought myself) to re-condition it, getting the mower and whipper snipper out (other self purchases) - except when the weather is too hot! Dress shops, shoe shops, makeup/perfume shops, homeware, cookware, kitchen shops *don't* send me weak at the knees and aren't the worst enemy of my wallet; it's the Bunnings, Mitre 10, WA Salvage type places that are my weakness - I often need a chaperone to keep my spending under control in them. My other weaknesses are Office Works and nurseries.

I guess *that* part of my childhood never left me, was very happy fishing, motorbike riding and the often 'tinkering', going 4 wheel driving, crabbing, netting etc, sanding back and re-painting a desk and fridge (black with Pink Panther stickers). Hmm or maybe it came from even earlier - helping build the beach house when I was very young (around 7 or 8). I did 'some' girly things too - horseriding and dancing - but didn't spend hours on the phone/with girlfriends or boyfriends, dressing up and makeup stuff.

I don't think I'm superwoman though, there are things I can't do simply because of physical strength - and that frustrates me and just serves to remind me that I don't have a partner.

Thankyou Mum and Dad (RIP) for raising me not your 'usual' girl; though a lot of people would call me quite conservative, I'm certainly not your typical helpless female (it might not have been intentional but I'm glad it turned out this way). Maybe this is one reason why I can be so open minded as well; I don't 'fit the mould' myself, so I don't have an expectation that others will or should.

And Now, Back to Our Regular Program ...

Through the process of publishing the posts today that I had previously kept back, I re-read them.

I am not sitting here thinking 'ohhhh just *wait* until she sees this!'. *I* know this, and that's the only opinion that matters. I am satisfied within myself, having questioned it pretty thoroughly, that I do not post to be nasty, as he thinks. If I did there'd probably be a hell of a lot more things in here for one thing! (He would undoubtedly say to that that I wouldn't be that overt about it, he thinks I'm so underhanded - even though he knows I don't have a devious mind). I think it's good to have questioned it though.

I will post as I need to, as I want to - not be dictated to by others. (I *still* can't believe he would think for a minute that I would let him host my site, after what he did to it before - and that one didn't have a blog! I will not knowingly put myself in a position where he has control over me.)


Of course he has proclaimed, via e-mail, that he was sincere in making that statement on Sunday - but there's no body language in e-mail and like I said, now that he has is aware of his body language when he made that statement, if he *did* say it to me in person again I know I'd wonder whether his body language was faked. There are too many other obvious reasons for him to now 'have' to say that he was sincere (eg to try appease her) for me to be able to believe that it's true.

Other things in there that are the same ol' same ol' - I've been sent these types of e-mails before, they didn't prove true then, and I see no reason why this time will be any different. He could never say why things were going to be different 'this time' with her, so why this time. Maybe he would answer that he means it this time, but he supposedly meant it the other times too?

Horoscope

I don't 'believe' in horoscopes, but I read the ones in the weekend paper now and then out of curiosity/for a laugh. I just read his, it's really quite eerie:

"Pisces - Indulge in a little soul-searching and look for a solution to a long-running personal problem. Once you admit to yourself that an aspect of your life is unsatisfactory, you can start on the road to recovery."

No doubt he would say it's in reference to his 'relationship' with me (I don't mean *that* kind of relationship), of course I see it as being about his relationship with her.

History Show It Is Not My Blog That Is The Problem

I *know* now, with 100% certainty, that my blog is not the problem, is not the cause of their fights; I remembered something today that is absolute proof that this is true.

How do I know this to be *absolutely* true, without question? Here is something that neither of them can dispute ....

... they were have the exact same fights, about the exact same things ***BEFORE*** I started blogging.

Christmas last year is the prime example. I was not blogging or posting my thoughts anywhere, was not in contact with her in any way. And they had a big fight; it was Christmas Eve, his first one with his son since before he and his wife split up (probably 9 years since he'd had any of his children on Christmas Eve), and they had a fight because he e-mailed me on the 22nd and SMS'd me on the 23rd (to say Happy Birthday).

He appears to blame the fact that they fight on the existance of my blog ('while your site is up making mine and V's life miserable and difficult...'); why else would he have asked me to take it down?. But having remembered this (that their fights were the exactly the same before I started blogging as after) shows for a fact that my blog is not the problem. It is the *fights* that make him miserable and they fight because of that still-persisting problem - which is present whether or not I blog.

The problem is, they both said it to me on Sunday, the same as it always has been - trust.

Last night I seriously considered not posting anymore, I was so confused, but my conscience about posting is cleared, and in light of this remembering it would seem that it doesn't really matter whether I am posting out of vindictiveness or not (the truth of which I was unable to resolve).

Maybe he would say that my blog prolongs their fights - but the real issue is that they fight in the first place, and that is not controlled by my blog as the Christmas episode shows.

Sigh...

Arrrgghh I'm 'second guessing' myself ... was thinking today about his comment that he thinks I post out of vindictiveness. So when I got home tonight I re-read my last post looking for anything that could be seen as vindictive, and yes there is something.

The last sentence I wrote could certainly be seen as having been written out of vindictiveness, I agree. But it wasn't written with that intent, not that he is likely to believe that.

I write what I'm thinking, and I was/have been thinking that he would certainly have told her that he had said those words to me (she told me that he told her all about our conversation), and I was also thinking that she didn't see the way in which it was said. I agree, it could be said that I put that comment there so that she would see it, but that isn't true, that isn't why I wrote it - like I said, I just post what I'm thinking.

I posted about his body language in particular because it is the thing that has been running through my head more than anything else that happened or was discussed on Sunday.

Does it mean I posted it *to be* vindictive though? I didn't write it with that thought (kind of 'ooeerrr well she'll know about it now, won't she') in mind, I just wrote it because it was simply part of my thinking about that part of his an my conversation.

But then again, it could be said that that doesn't matter because of the simple fact that I know they read my blog, it probably wont matter to anyone that that fact was not in my mind when I wrote the post.

So do I go back and edit the post? No I don't think that would be right, for one, because I haven't before censured myself in my blog, and if I start worrying about what other people are going to think about what I write I'd probably end up writing nothing; besides, they've already been to the site and seen it so if I removed it I guess I'd then be accused of 'removing the evidence'.

Interestingly, this reviewing of the post and looking at it with his viewpoint (looking for vindictiveness), has made me think over what he used to say about not doing things with particular intent (like 'I didn't mean to hurt you'), and made me see those kind of comments of his in a new light. Then I think about what I would say to him - 'how else would you have thought I'd be other than hurt that you didn't want to be my partner anymore?', and see that the same comment could be said to me 'how else would you think she would react'?

Maybe I *do* write things specifically so she will see them? I don't think I do, but maybe I'm just deluding myself? I'm trying to work out whether I *am* perhaps being vindictive ... hmm dictionary says it's characterised by spite and rancour. I don't *feel* spiteful, I don't *feel* resentful and hostile towards them 99% of the time; mostly I just feel ..what .... frustrated at myself, confused; I didn't *feel* that way when I wrote the post.

But I can see that it could be taken as having been written out of spite; does the fact that I didn't feel that way mean that it wasn't? I don't know, I'm confused about myself again :( (now *that's* nothing new)

Sheeesh he has me trying to second guessing myself now, but then again I think it's good to be made to look at your own actions objectively (or at least as close to objective as you can be about yourself), and on the other hand, some say I overanyalyse things/myself (guess I should have been a Libran, but isn't that how I've often been? One time commented on by someone that it was a 'good' trait of mine, that I try see the other point of view, hmm but that's going back to the 'old' me, the one that has so many traits that I no longer see the value of, gawd am I back to being her again ....god now I just don't know anything :( I'm going insane

Body Language

The Body Language thing is still constantly going through my mind.

Why, when making a statement that he seems so desperate for me to believe, and a statement that he has wanted her to believe for nearly 2 years and keeps repeating to her ... why would he not look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face?

It's not as if he was being aloof and weird with me, as he sometimes had been in the past; it was quite relaxed 99% of the time (one specific point at which it wasn't relaxed - when he started to say he thinks I post to be vindicitive and cause trouble). It was quite friendly, there was no hostility (other than that point mentioned above).

Most of the time he was looking at me, near me, around the place, at the table ... but when he said those words - that he wouldn't ask to come back because it's not what he wants to do - he hung his head and said it to the ground between his feet in a very quiet voice. He didn't look anywhere near me/my eyes/my face/my general direction, just looked directly down to the ground.

When he said it, in that way, my intuition wasn't just tingling it was like an enourmous buzzing through my body that focussed my attention on his body language, it was so obviously different to his body language the rest of the evening. I wish I had a video of it cos I'm sure he would deny that he did that, but it's true - he made that statement to his feet. Maybe I was paying particular attention at that time, because of the importance (to me, to her, to him) of what he was saying, but I don't recall him talking to his feet during any of the other parts of the conversation.

If he so wanted me to believe that statement, why didn't he tell it to my face?

(One problem with the blog being public is that now, if he ever makes that statement to me in person again, he probably *will* say it straight to my face, but how will anyone know whether that's natural - as I believe his body language was that night - rather than forced/on purpose because of what he has read here?)

I'm sure he would have told her that he said that to me, but she wasn't there, she didn't see him when he said it.

My Stupid 'Old' Self has Created Me a Dilemma..

I realised this morning that by restricting what I publish (post-wise) I've created a dilemma for myself ... when do I start publishing all my posts again? (sigh, should have listened to my 'gut' and conscience again, instead of being stupidly compassionate and sympathetic)

The dilemma is this...having not published posts, when do I start publishing all my posts again? When they've stopped/gotten over the fight? But how will I know that, I very much doubt they would tell me. When the one week he asked for 'peace' for is over? And then if he asks for another week of peace? (I'm not sure he really has had peace as they've both been back looking at the blog, both of them at least once every day).

And what if, when I did start publishing all my posts again, they had another fight; I can see the blame for that fight would be laid squarely at my feet. And I'd be asked not to post again; with the frequency with which they fight (oh, sorry that's in an unpublished post) that will be every couple of months. I'd be frightened to post *in case* they had a fight, and why should I be made to feel that way when all three of us know that it's not the blog that is the real problem in their relationship - *that's* what needs fixing/why they should part, not my blog.

Also, by not publishing my posts - by acceding to some degree to his request as I have done - I am showing how that I care for him; that in itself could be causing even further problems (mind you the fact that I care is not new News), but it could be making things worse rather than better.

No, I don't think this 'not posting' thing is a good idea at all.

The Nightie Post

He asked me about the nightie post .. cos she had said to him that it was after they were 'together' but he didn't think that was so. His reasoning was that, according to my post, he made the comment whilst he was still living here - and he therefore considers that it wasn't made while they were together.

I find that really odd - that would seem to indicate that he doesn't consider they were together whilst he was still living here. But it was in October that he said he didn't want to be my partner anymore and started sleeping in the single bed (in the same bedroom as me cos I don't have any spare bedrooms) ... and he didn't stop living here until the end of January the following year. They were most certainly together during that time (except for fight periods).
When I reminded him that it was the end of January that he moved out, he seemed to comment that that meant January would be their two year anniversary .... I didn't say it, but I disagree - to me their anniversary is either when they first started seeing each other (which was May/June), or perhaps July (when he told me he didn't want to have sex with me anymore) or maybe October when he told me he didn't wantto be my partner anymore (so that he could be her partner). I wonder when she thinks their anniversary is? I find it a bit weird that he wouldn't count the time he was still living here and seeing her as a period in which they were together.

Frequency of Fights

She said on Sunday that they don't fight 'lots', as I 'make out' in my blog.

So I did a count afterwards ...

They're fighting now .. 2/3rds through November
He said (on Sunday) that when I sent my One Ping Only they were just getting over a fight.. sent the Hello on or about September 25th (date from post)
He wanted to meet with me on 15 June - he wouldn't have contacted me unless they were fighting (date of his e-mail asking to meet) - she said on Sunday that 'that' wasn't a fight, but I can't see any other situation in which he would ask to meet me (and I know for a fact that he considered it a fight).
He moved out of her place in May due to a fight (he told me this on Sunday).

OK so let's see .. November, September, June and May.

May to November is 6 months; they've had four fights in 6 months ... I call that a lot, or at least pretty darn frequent.

Why did he think it was me ...

I can't help but wondering why he thought it was me who had left a partial voicemail message for him on Friday morning.

Yes, the voice does sound like mine (he played the message to me), however:
* Why would his first thought be that it was me, instead of the client he had left a message for earlier in the week? Why aren't I the last person on his mind that would be leaving a voicemail message?
* Thinking that it was me, why did he reply? I thought that him being in contact with me 'caused problems' (from what he said when I sent the One Ping Only, and what he said on Sunday), so why contact me?
* The few words that were said were along the lines of "(his name) I'm just about to drop..." (then the message stops/is cut off), not the kind of message I would leave I don't think, not the kind of message I have left him since we parted .. it's not as if I drop by, or drop something off, or tell him I'm dropping out to the shops, or anything like that, none of our snail mail has been about that kind of thing either ... so again, why would he have thought it was me? Just because of the sound of the voice ... it makes me wonder what that says about where his mind/thoughts are.

I don't know, there's only one person who does.

Strange that he made that comment to a mutual friend, sometime not long after he moved into the rental, that living with V was a situation he just didn't want to get into.... how strange, considering that he had already been living with her (before moving to the rental). Is it because he doesn't want people to know he has made a mistake (ie living with her was a mistake) ... he always did have difficulty admitting that he was wrong.
It wasn't a one-off comment (the not wanting to live with V), cos he had said it a number of times to various people over a period of almost two years.
And now there he is, living with her again . He must really like bashing his head against that brick wall - he's been doing it for so long.

Maybe he just doesn't know what else to do? Maybe that's why she wanted to know whether he could come back here? But hten, even in thinking of parting she seems to be not letting him make his own decisions - trying to sway him one particular way (my way!) ... because she felt if he knew the answer was going to be yes that it would be easier for him to ask. Now if that's not trying to lead someone down a particular path I don't know what is! why can't she let him make his own decision....

Living Together Could be Adding to the Problems...

I think living together is more likely to be what has set her off; when they are living together and the mistrust/trustworthiness thing is still happening she sees more reason to be suspcious simply because she sees him all the time, knows more about where he is when (or knows that she doesn't know - which would set her mind working and wondering).

He said she doesn't understand that sometimes he just wants to sit and watch a movie and not talk ... ie she doesn't give him the 'space' he needs.

It would seem she still doesn't understand him very much at all, or can't accept him the way he is.

Two Days and Three Nights

Since they both came here ... no doubt the reconciliation has already started, even more so because htey are living together.

But then again maybe that would slow the process - it's not as if they will start feeling they are 'missing' the other person when they're seeing each other every day. He hasn't moved out this time. The rollercoaster just keeps on going.

Both of them are still visiting the site, several times a day. One of them is awake quite early.

Glad I didn't wake up with a headache again today, so much to do at work just now.

Of Course, More About Sunday

Out of the Blue/Double Standard
Why is it that it is OK for him to contact me out of the blue, asking (yet again) to meet with me, but it's not ok for me to do the same - even when all I do is say Hello, not ask to meet, not ask to talk, not ask to come to his house?

Oh, of course, it's probably because I don't have a partner (she said he thinks I'm waiting around for him to be able to come back, hmm or was it him who said that's how he believes she thinks, and is part of the problem, actually I'm sure it was him who said it - oh great! so now I'm supposed to get a partner just to satisfy *her*? I don't think so!) ... of course it wouldn't cause *me* any problem that he would contact me out of the blue ... just confirms even more exactly what the 'problem' was that it created for him, ie it was not a problem for him, but was a problem for her. Maybe, when he e-mailed me back in July (was it?) asking to meet and commented about enough water under the bridge, maybe he was talking about enough water under the bridge for *her* (he always hoped there would come a time when she would be ok with him and me being friends) .... but maybe not, cos that was when they were fighting too - it's the only time that it seems 'ok' for him to actually be in contact with me, because that's exactly what she expects him to do (that's not just my thoughts either, he said exactly that on Sunday - that she expects him to come see me/contact me when they fight, because she feels that he wants to come back here).

How would she feel if I rocked up at her door unannounced and uninvited?

He was nearly shown the door within about 20 or so minutes of being here (and only then cos he was asking/telling 'catch up' type things for those 20 or so minutes (how are the kids, how is Tara doing at school, do you still have the cat, how is the car, Mum and Dad have split up, what was happening in the business etc) (oh, and it's *me* who wants to know everything is it? He wanted to know where I work too, why would that matter? - he said he was just curious). Why did he want to know all that - obviously it still matters to him.

Why only 'Ostensibly'?..
After he'd gotten through that stuff and I asked why he was here, he said 'ostensibly to ask you to take down your web site'. Why 'ostensibly' I wondered? (Oxford dict "apparent, seemingly; pretended"), did it mean he was there on the pretence of asking me to take down my site, that he was here for other reasons .. ie because he wanted to see me/this place (it has often been the case that he wanted to run back here when things got tough -his words), wanted to talk *with me*, wanted/needed to see how I am (like he always said he would)?

Anyway, that wasn't the point; he then started saying that he thinks I post to be vindicitive (ie to purposely cause him/her trouble), although he said that he knows I am not a vindicitive person; that he had trouble reconciling those two things ... I told him that if that was how he thought then he could leave ... he didn't want to leave/he didn't leave. He said he understands my need to write - he knows I kept a diary when I left my husband, and when our relationship started to fall apart.

Did I Detect A Lie?
His body language at the specific time that he said that coming back here was not what he wanted really has me stumped. It was the only time during a two hour (or thereabouts) conversation that he did that - looked down at his feet and said it to the ground in between his feet (ie looking directl down), his voice went quieter. Almost all the rest of the time he was looking at me/around/upwards .. it's not the case that he was looking at the ground most of the time. It's well known that one of the signals of lying is not looking the person in the eye/not making eye contact. She told me she gets that feeling of 'somethings not right here, this doesn't gel', and that's exactly how I felt when he said those words.

Why, if he really wanted me to believe that statement, why did he not say it straight to my face and looking me in the eye?

And Still They Come...
And still they both are visiting the site to read the blog.

Which Post Was it?
I wonder what post it was that caused the problem ... not the one about the Committment Ceremony, or any after that, cos it seems to me they were already fighting by then; he was reading the blog at the time I posted the Committment Ceremony post, and he said to me on Sunday that he visits the site cos he hears so much about it from her. So it has to be a post prior to Saturday night....what was before that... two very short ones (why am I drawn to him, and that he was having the computer write his return address for him again). Then about people who can't say Thankyou, that I'm too courteous and gracious and how to make the old me disappear, and Jury Service. Before that is the Maslow 'essay', then more on Jury Service and Queer as Folk and how it affected me seeing a couple getting back together and being intimate (hmm maybe that's the one) ... doesn't seem to be anything amazingly confrontational in there. One post she seems to return to often is the one where I mention Enough Rope and needing a cardio and lob-otomy, but that's way back in August! Then again maybe she just uses that as a marker to get to someother post near it . I guess I wouldn't see which post it is anyway because I don't see them through her jealous/suspicious eyes; he has said to me that she can read something and take it entirely the wrong way, where the original meaning is quite plain, has a way of twisting words (which was evidenced when he repeated something she had told him of her and my conversation). No point looking anyway really, cos I write for *me*; no other reason; I think I'd be even crazier if I didn't write.

They had been living together only a few weeks, his lease having expired. They'd lived together before, but he left to the rental when they had a fight. Wasn't that enough to show them both how things are .. that was only 6 months ago. They fought when they didn't live together, they fought when they did live together, he moved out and they still fought, he's now moved back in and they are still fighting (after only a matter of weeks) - nothing seems to work for these two.

Why is it so important for her that if they break up he is to come back here (it's obviously important otherwise why would she have been here on Sunday to ask about exactly that). Must it be that it's because he cares about someone else more/wants to be somewhere else more than with her? Why can't it be simply because their relationship doesn't work (which is a two way street, of which I've already written enough - the trust and being trustworthy issue)? Maybe she can't handle the fact that the relationship keeps failing because of her lack of trust? But it wouldn't be entirely her fault.

He started one sentence, fairly late on in the conversation ... he was getting ready to leave as it appeared she was going to come over to join us, he started the sentence with "I really hate to ask...." I was very anxious that he was going to ask to stay the night, not anxious excited, not anxious scared, just plain anxious ... he didn't, he asked me not to post for a week, to 'give him some peace'.

They're both saying the same things they've said every other time ... I predict that nothing will change, they won't part, she will continue to mistrust him, he will continue to 'protect' her from his behaviours she doesn't like despite promising to do otherwise, and so the rollercoaster will simply continue.

Groan

Back to not sleeping and smoking 40 a day :(, I think it would be more if it weren't for work.

He said/asked, on Sunday, what had happened to me, why am I like this; that it couldn't just be because of him. My answer and reply was/is that 'he' is what changed in my life, so what else could it have been? It certainly isn't a path I was already heading down.

Why is it that when they fight it is *me* they, both of them!, come to??? From what they ask and what they say it would seem to be because they think *I* am the cause of their problems. Thinking about that on Monday I thought that the only way they would be happy together is if I were dead; sorry but I'm not going to do that.

But of course the cause of the problems is as they both said to me, is the trust issue, still, after 2.5 years of trying. Everything else .. the fact of being of my web site, whether I would have him back, that he feels badly that he hurt me so dreadfully, that he misses our conversations and the kids... all of these things would not matter one iota if they were safe and secure in their relationship together. From both their mouths this is certainly not the case.

Back to Maslow..

(some posts aren't being published at the moment, but I figured this one is safe cos it's about me - as opposed to an observation about them)

Talking about my 'essay' on Maslow on Sunday evening with him I realised that whilst that explained my lack of progress, reason why I have no hobbies or enjoyment in life, I also realised that it doesn't explain why he is constantly in my thoughts.

I don't know why I can't just forget.

Why was his body language so vastly different at the point at which he said what was probably supposed to be hte most important thing he had to say to me - that he didn't want to come back?

It shouldn't matter whether I would have him back or not - if they are unhappy together they should just part, not because he can come back here, not because of whether or not he wants to come back here, but because they are unhappy/it isn't working - which is what they both said is hte case. Leaving one person to be with another is not, in my opinion, the best way to leave another; it shows that you were unhappy and just waited until something better came along; that's unfair to have continued on. I know, I've done it myself (although the circumstances were fairly different in that I had already told my ex husband years prior to my indiscretions that I did not love him anymore - I didn't wait for someone else to come along before I did that). He hoped that given time she would change, but she hasn't. I guess she hoped in time that she would come to trust him, but she hasn't/he still isn't as honest with her as she needs him to be. They're both tired of the fighting; so why not say 'ok we gave it our best shot but it didn't work', and leave it at that? I certainly call 2.5 years having given it a good shot.

After 1.5 hours sleep on the couch I now can't sleep again . I'm thinking how silly of me to have let the sympathetic, compassionate Noala stick her head up and let them talk to me ... that I was too soft, not thinking enough of my own well-being and how it would be likely to affect me. I should have just told her to leave, and declined his plea to let him come talk to me. Stupid Stupid me.

I didn't do very well at being 'counsellor' for him last night, and having thought about it, I think the reason why is because he wasn't here for counsel, he was here to ask a personal favour. I think I could have done a better job though, of trying to help him think/talk through his relationship issues :(

Sunday

Why is it that after someone has left, after a conversation, you then think of other/better/more questions that would have been good to ask or say?

Hardly slept at all last night, two hours of sleep and I have to go to work :(

He contradicted himself whilst talking to me ... said at first that reading my blog didn't upset him, then later said that it did upset him and make him worried for me. He again asked me to take down my blog, by the end relented and asked that I not post for a week... seems like the same old thing, just like right in the beginning - he can't control her behaviour so he seeks to control mine as an underhand way of controlling her.

Of course the big problem isn't that she reads my site, the big problem is, as they both said, that she cannot/does not trust him. If that wasn't there it wouldn't matter what I wrote about. And it's not just me that she doesn't trust him about. Just like he said alllll that time ago - even if I was out of his life completely he believed she would find something/someone else to be suspicious about, seems he was right.

He still wants to be my friend .. like at the beginning, and still after all this time had thought that she would come around and accept that; but after more than two years of seeing each other that point has not yet come. Another reason he hasn't tried to be my friend (come round, visit, chat), he said, is that he thinks it will make me think he wants to come back; but he didn't bother asking me whether that was something I would think, or wanted.

When he said that he wouldn't ask to come back because that was not what he wanted, I'm not sure I believed him because of his body language when he said it. My intuition zoned in on it very strongly.

There are still things that he cannot tell her, discussions he cannot have with her.

For her part she said they don't fight a lot, but going by the two conversations, and stuff I already knew, it seems the frequency is still every two to three months, I call that a lot.

She wanted to know whether I would take him back if he asked - there is only one person who deserves an answer to that question.

To Post or Not To Post ....

...that is the question.

I don't believe it's right for one person to try control another's behaviour (unless you're talking about a child/parent relationship), and that's what I see a lot of going on (and not all of it just to do with me).

It's been a very amazing/shocking/stressful/surprising/confirming afternoon/evening.

SMS

I wonder why it is that he messaged me on Friday, thinking that I had perhaps tried to leave him voicemail. Why would he be thinking that I had tried to contact him ... wishful thinking maybe? I feel that they are fighting again, maybe that has something to do with why he thought I might be trying to make contact? Maybe he thought she'd been in contact with me (he has suspected that in the past when they've fought).

Every night...

..when I'm putting on my nightie I am reminded of a comment he made. One night, after he started sleeping in the single bed (I think it was) I put on my nightie (I started wearing them when he said he didn't want to be my partner anymore - previously slept naked or just knickers) .. he said "You need to get some sexier nighties".

I don't know why he made that comment; was it because *he* wanted to see me in sexier nighties? That's the only thing I can think of because it's not as if anyone else was seeing me (or likely to be seeing me) in my nighties. And, considering what he had told me (ie that he didn't want to be my partner anymore, wasn't attracted to me sexually anymore), *why* would he want to see me in sexier nighties?? Didn't, and still doesn't, make any sense.

Arrrggghhh when will I stop remembering? Why do I keep remembering, why is any of this so important that my mind keeps putting it in the forefront instead of just letting it go? Is it so I'll remember what happened so as to stop myself from letting ithappen again, or is it because of other reasons that I don't want to be true (ie that I want him back)? I don't know, I just wish it would all stop :(

How Very Odd and Co-incidental....

... he was reading the site (unbeknownst to me) at the same time as I was writing the last entry .... Hello and Goodbye.

Committment Ceremony

No, I'm not committing myself to the loony bin ... often coming to my mind lately is the Committment Ceremony he and I talked about wanting to have; I don't know why this should be in my mind at this particular time.

We sat up on the bed one night, and over about 6 hours had sex (quite a number of times) and drank and talked, it was a great night.

We talked about wanting to celebrate our committment to each other by having some kind of party/ceremony, in which we would affirm our deep committment and bond to/with each other.

I guess I'm thankful now that we didn't do it :(

It reminds me of the strength of his feelings for me. The bond we felt to each other was stronger than anything he (supposedly, but then again it seems he has said that to someone else since, kind of loses it's impact when you're not the only one he has said it to) or I ever felt; for me it truely was a bond for life... I guess that is still proving true, not able to get him out of my head or heart, can't seem to stop thinking about what he's doing, how he is.

Why...?

Why am I drawn to him, I don't understand....?

He's Taking the Safe Route ...

..and having his computer write the envelopes for him again.

Why Is It...

... that some people just don't seem capable of saying 'Thankyou', particularly when someone does something that they didn't have to do? Funny though, that they are often the same people who complain that they don't have it said to them sufficiently! Funny ... not.

Sometimes I think I'm too courteous, too gracious, too free with my Thankyou's; but to me that seems harsh and 'hard' - hmm I'm obviously still having problems trying to change my underlying 'good' nature. When I find myself thinking that way I take it as a sign that I'm getting concerned about being used again .... and that it's time to 'harden' up so as to protect myself. Still doubting that my 'self' is a good way to be, still finding that being my 'self' only opens me up to being taken advantage of and, thereby, being hurt.

How do I make my self disappear?

Jury Service Prologue ...
It was a strange feeling on Wednesday night, knowing that someone was at home eating dinner, maybe watching TV with loved ones all due, in part, to me. Strange feeling.

Abraham Maslow biography - Hierarchy of Needs

Abraham Maslow biography - Hierarchy of Needs

Navel Gazing Continued...
The navel gazing never ends, the self-analysis, wondering where I went wrong, what I did wrong, and why my behaviour is what it is - why I am so insular, why I don't enjoy anything, why I can't 'get lost' in some hobby or activity or other.

And tonight whilst thinking of this I was reminded of something from my dim (and not so dark) past in Human Resources and units on Psychology and Management I've done ... it was Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs (I had to look it up - link above to his and others such as Herzbergs Hygiene Factors and Motivation). We used to talk about this in Intro to Supervision courses that I conducted (in a former life).

It doesn't explain where I went wrong or what I did wrong (*if* anything), but I think it may go some way to helping explain my continuing behaviour.

The Heirarchy of Needs is a pyramid (click on the link for a look-see) with the most basic needs at the bottom. As each need is taken care of, the theory goes, we are then able/free to concern ourselves with 'higher level' needs.

You will see that 'Belonging - Love' is smack bang in the middle. Gee, guess what need I lost when told I wasn't wanted as an intimate partner anymore ... so we move down the pyramid a level. What's next - "Safety - security, stability, freedom from fear", gee, guess what I experienced when told I wasn't wanted anymore and felt that this threatened the business (we were business partners as well as life - rofl! - partners). Yep, my security and stability were threatened (and eventually entirely destroyed) and I was scared.

Hmm ok, so I didn't have that level of need met anymore, what's on the next level down? This is the base level, the *most basic needs* that drive people to do the things they do (again, according to the theory) "Physiological - food, water, shelter, warmth". And gee, guess what, those things were being threatened and removed as well. I suddenly had no income, which meant I was possibly in the situation of not being able to provide food, water, shelter (ie pay the mortgage) and warmth for my family and me (though I wasn't so worried about the me part of it). And he was saying things like 'I hope you lose your house", which just emphasised to me even more that it was a possibility (ie no shelter). So, metaphorically and literally speaking, I had hit rock bottom. (Yeah, I *did* know that and it was pretty evident to all around me, and was very evident by my brush with suicide - I guess it's kind of comforting though to see it on paper, so objective)

I sit here and look at Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs and can see in front of my face the reason why I have not yet 'moved on'/'got on with my life'. Almost every month it is touch and go with the bills as to whether I can pay them, and he still has some level of control over that. I don't live an extravagant life - don't go to the movies other than on freebie tickets I get, and that's mostly for the kids during the holidays, have the same bottle of bourbon I bought on special last Christmas, I go to the hairdresser every six months instead of every six weeks, and that's only because I go to work. We've been to the video shop about three times this year, I use one tank of fuel per fortnight, I don't go out. I would say the only 'luxouries' I have is that I do still smoke, and I do spend money on the garden.

OK, so I have a job and that has moved me further towards meeting those most basic of needs, but hasn't gotten me all the way there. Let's see what progress is being made at level two.

Level two - safety, stability, security, freedom from fear. I don't feel my job is secure - it's private enterprise, and a small business, and today's economic climate who knows what will happen, added to the fact that business hasn't been great lately and the boss has been panicking about that. So security is not really there; strike one. Safety (personal safety) has been a problem, and whilst the physical security of the house has been improved I still feel vulnerable as a woman who is often alone; stirke two. Stability - there is some level of stability in my life, however it is highly impacted on, and influenced by, the security issue; so strike three. Freedom from fear, I think the others kind of add up to this one, it's not as lacking as it was, but still most definately present (ie fear is still present); strike four.

I wont even bother with level three, other than to say that I do have some sense of belonging thanks to family and friends.

So what does this tell me? It tells me that I am driven by meeting these basic needs. Self Esteem - achievement, respect, mastery and Self Actualization - creativity, personal fulfillment; they are the next two levels, and these are the things that seem to be what people are talking about when they talk about 'getting on with your life' - to me anyway. The things that indicate to people that you are getting on wtih life would seem to mostly come from those top two levels of needs. Whilst my most basic needs are not being met there is no way that I can contemplate working on meeting those higher level needs.

There you go - my behaviour is perfectly reasonable, explainable and justified. I guess that makes me feel slightly better about my behaviour/how I 'am', but it doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that I am still this way 22 months after he left me as a life partner, and 13 months after I was forced out of being his business partner :(

I guess what I need to work on is how to move closer to having those basic needs met, easier said than done though.

Jury Service

I'm doing Jury Duty this week. It has been both interesting and sometimes boring. There is lots of sitting around waiting for things to happen, but it's interesting to get this view of our legal processes and justice system.

We are chosen (by number) into a group of 50, then taken to a court room where another ballot occurs to choose the 12 (or more) people for the jury. Challenged people are replaced by another number being read out. The jury is sworn in. The people who haven't been chosen for that jury are then either released for the day, or (as we were) then taken to yet another court room and the entire process runs again to choose a jury for that trial. Those of us who were then remaining 'unchosen' were released for the day. One trial was about grevious bodily harm, the other was aggravated burglary.

Today I was chosen for a jury after someone else was challenged. I can't really say much more about the case at present as it is continuing tomorrow ( I'll post more once we have delivered our verdict).

Something that is rather different to all the TV courtroom things we see are the objections. They don't actually say the word 'objection', basically they just say why the don't think the other lawyer should be saying what he is saying. Most of the times the Judge didn't say whether the objection was sustained. At one point though one lawyer was objecting to the line of questioning the other was taking ... what surprised me was that we, the jurors, had to leave the court whilst they sorted out that issue, and were allowed back in when they had done so. I guess this is so we don't get confused/sidetracked by legal argument and can just concentrate on the evidence provided. Still, it was a surprise to me as that's not how it is portrayed in neither books, movies, tv etc.

What also surprises me is that we are not allowed to take notes at all. I'm very glad I didn't get chosed for the 4 - 6 week trial that commenced this week!

Queer as Folk
I'm was anxious to watch Queer as Folk last night (season 4 began), to see how I would react. I was mostly looking forward to it. Sure enough there was a scene during which I very nearly had to leave the room because of the pain it was causing me.
It wasn't a sex scene ... and I've thought about that, I guess what they say about sex is true - the more you get the more you want. Since I'm not getting any I don't have a want for it I get Mr Purple out about once every two months and use it for a couple of nights, then kinda feel like, well what's the point of that, and stop for another couple of months. I don't have the *urge* to have sex.

The scene that caused me grief was immediately after they finished having sex ... it was the intimacy, the closeness that killed me :( I guess, in part, it was also the fact of people having been separated (for whatever reason) coming back together again - like the scene in L Word that affected me a while ago.

I will keep watching, I just hope there's not too much more of that kind of thing in store :( Next time I'll probably be alone (a friend came to watch with me last night) and I don't know whether I'll be able to not cry .. then again why the hell shouldn't I cry, it's good for you - chemically (releases hormones).

After watching QaF and being affected by that scene I think I should probably keep away from the movies/cinemas for some time yet.

Yeah, still fucked up :(