Of Course, More About Sunday

Out of the Blue/Double Standard
Why is it that it is OK for him to contact me out of the blue, asking (yet again) to meet with me, but it's not ok for me to do the same - even when all I do is say Hello, not ask to meet, not ask to talk, not ask to come to his house?

Oh, of course, it's probably because I don't have a partner (she said he thinks I'm waiting around for him to be able to come back, hmm or was it him who said that's how he believes she thinks, and is part of the problem, actually I'm sure it was him who said it - oh great! so now I'm supposed to get a partner just to satisfy *her*? I don't think so!) ... of course it wouldn't cause *me* any problem that he would contact me out of the blue ... just confirms even more exactly what the 'problem' was that it created for him, ie it was not a problem for him, but was a problem for her. Maybe, when he e-mailed me back in July (was it?) asking to meet and commented about enough water under the bridge, maybe he was talking about enough water under the bridge for *her* (he always hoped there would come a time when she would be ok with him and me being friends) .... but maybe not, cos that was when they were fighting too - it's the only time that it seems 'ok' for him to actually be in contact with me, because that's exactly what she expects him to do (that's not just my thoughts either, he said exactly that on Sunday - that she expects him to come see me/contact me when they fight, because she feels that he wants to come back here).

How would she feel if I rocked up at her door unannounced and uninvited?

He was nearly shown the door within about 20 or so minutes of being here (and only then cos he was asking/telling 'catch up' type things for those 20 or so minutes (how are the kids, how is Tara doing at school, do you still have the cat, how is the car, Mum and Dad have split up, what was happening in the business etc) (oh, and it's *me* who wants to know everything is it? He wanted to know where I work too, why would that matter? - he said he was just curious). Why did he want to know all that - obviously it still matters to him.

Why only 'Ostensibly'?..
After he'd gotten through that stuff and I asked why he was here, he said 'ostensibly to ask you to take down your web site'. Why 'ostensibly' I wondered? (Oxford dict "apparent, seemingly; pretended"), did it mean he was there on the pretence of asking me to take down my site, that he was here for other reasons .. ie because he wanted to see me/this place (it has often been the case that he wanted to run back here when things got tough -his words), wanted to talk *with me*, wanted/needed to see how I am (like he always said he would)?

Anyway, that wasn't the point; he then started saying that he thinks I post to be vindicitive (ie to purposely cause him/her trouble), although he said that he knows I am not a vindicitive person; that he had trouble reconciling those two things ... I told him that if that was how he thought then he could leave ... he didn't want to leave/he didn't leave. He said he understands my need to write - he knows I kept a diary when I left my husband, and when our relationship started to fall apart.

Did I Detect A Lie?
His body language at the specific time that he said that coming back here was not what he wanted really has me stumped. It was the only time during a two hour (or thereabouts) conversation that he did that - looked down at his feet and said it to the ground in between his feet (ie looking directl down), his voice went quieter. Almost all the rest of the time he was looking at me/around/upwards .. it's not the case that he was looking at the ground most of the time. It's well known that one of the signals of lying is not looking the person in the eye/not making eye contact. She told me she gets that feeling of 'somethings not right here, this doesn't gel', and that's exactly how I felt when he said those words.

Why, if he really wanted me to believe that statement, why did he not say it straight to my face and looking me in the eye?

And Still They Come...
And still they both are visiting the site to read the blog.

Which Post Was it?
I wonder what post it was that caused the problem ... not the one about the Committment Ceremony, or any after that, cos it seems to me they were already fighting by then; he was reading the blog at the time I posted the Committment Ceremony post, and he said to me on Sunday that he visits the site cos he hears so much about it from her. So it has to be a post prior to Saturday night....what was before that... two very short ones (why am I drawn to him, and that he was having the computer write his return address for him again). Then about people who can't say Thankyou, that I'm too courteous and gracious and how to make the old me disappear, and Jury Service. Before that is the Maslow 'essay', then more on Jury Service and Queer as Folk and how it affected me seeing a couple getting back together and being intimate (hmm maybe that's the one) ... doesn't seem to be anything amazingly confrontational in there. One post she seems to return to often is the one where I mention Enough Rope and needing a cardio and lob-otomy, but that's way back in August! Then again maybe she just uses that as a marker to get to someother post near it . I guess I wouldn't see which post it is anyway because I don't see them through her jealous/suspicious eyes; he has said to me that she can read something and take it entirely the wrong way, where the original meaning is quite plain, has a way of twisting words (which was evidenced when he repeated something she had told him of her and my conversation). No point looking anyway really, cos I write for *me*; no other reason; I think I'd be even crazier if I didn't write.

They had been living together only a few weeks, his lease having expired. They'd lived together before, but he left to the rental when they had a fight. Wasn't that enough to show them both how things are .. that was only 6 months ago. They fought when they didn't live together, they fought when they did live together, he moved out and they still fought, he's now moved back in and they are still fighting (after only a matter of weeks) - nothing seems to work for these two.

Why is it so important for her that if they break up he is to come back here (it's obviously important otherwise why would she have been here on Sunday to ask about exactly that). Must it be that it's because he cares about someone else more/wants to be somewhere else more than with her? Why can't it be simply because their relationship doesn't work (which is a two way street, of which I've already written enough - the trust and being trustworthy issue)? Maybe she can't handle the fact that the relationship keeps failing because of her lack of trust? But it wouldn't be entirely her fault.

He started one sentence, fairly late on in the conversation ... he was getting ready to leave as it appeared she was going to come over to join us, he started the sentence with "I really hate to ask...." I was very anxious that he was going to ask to stay the night, not anxious excited, not anxious scared, just plain anxious ... he didn't, he asked me not to post for a week, to 'give him some peace'.

They're both saying the same things they've said every other time ... I predict that nothing will change, they won't part, she will continue to mistrust him, he will continue to 'protect' her from his behaviours she doesn't like despite promising to do otherwise, and so the rollercoaster will simply continue.