Sigh...

Arrrgghh I'm 'second guessing' myself ... was thinking today about his comment that he thinks I post out of vindictiveness. So when I got home tonight I re-read my last post looking for anything that could be seen as vindictive, and yes there is something.

The last sentence I wrote could certainly be seen as having been written out of vindictiveness, I agree. But it wasn't written with that intent, not that he is likely to believe that.

I write what I'm thinking, and I was/have been thinking that he would certainly have told her that he had said those words to me (she told me that he told her all about our conversation), and I was also thinking that she didn't see the way in which it was said. I agree, it could be said that I put that comment there so that she would see it, but that isn't true, that isn't why I wrote it - like I said, I just post what I'm thinking.

I posted about his body language in particular because it is the thing that has been running through my head more than anything else that happened or was discussed on Sunday.

Does it mean I posted it *to be* vindictive though? I didn't write it with that thought (kind of 'ooeerrr well she'll know about it now, won't she') in mind, I just wrote it because it was simply part of my thinking about that part of his an my conversation.

But then again, it could be said that that doesn't matter because of the simple fact that I know they read my blog, it probably wont matter to anyone that that fact was not in my mind when I wrote the post.

So do I go back and edit the post? No I don't think that would be right, for one, because I haven't before censured myself in my blog, and if I start worrying about what other people are going to think about what I write I'd probably end up writing nothing; besides, they've already been to the site and seen it so if I removed it I guess I'd then be accused of 'removing the evidence'.

Interestingly, this reviewing of the post and looking at it with his viewpoint (looking for vindictiveness), has made me think over what he used to say about not doing things with particular intent (like 'I didn't mean to hurt you'), and made me see those kind of comments of his in a new light. Then I think about what I would say to him - 'how else would you have thought I'd be other than hurt that you didn't want to be my partner anymore?', and see that the same comment could be said to me 'how else would you think she would react'?

Maybe I *do* write things specifically so she will see them? I don't think I do, but maybe I'm just deluding myself? I'm trying to work out whether I *am* perhaps being vindictive ... hmm dictionary says it's characterised by spite and rancour. I don't *feel* spiteful, I don't *feel* resentful and hostile towards them 99% of the time; mostly I just feel ..what .... frustrated at myself, confused; I didn't *feel* that way when I wrote the post.

But I can see that it could be taken as having been written out of spite; does the fact that I didn't feel that way mean that it wasn't? I don't know, I'm confused about myself again :( (now *that's* nothing new)

Sheeesh he has me trying to second guessing myself now, but then again I think it's good to be made to look at your own actions objectively (or at least as close to objective as you can be about yourself), and on the other hand, some say I overanyalyse things/myself (guess I should have been a Libran, but isn't that how I've often been? One time commented on by someone that it was a 'good' trait of mine, that I try see the other point of view, hmm but that's going back to the 'old' me, the one that has so many traits that I no longer see the value of, gawd am I back to being her again ....god now I just don't know anything :( I'm going insane