Next Time He Contacts Me ...

...wanting to meet, I really should remember what I wrote in this post.

Brain Still Brings Me Things I Could No Doubt Do Without

Grrrrr...
Back to being frustrated that I, once again, seem to have a one track mind. Thoughts of him, her, this whole stupid business just wont stay away :( I assume it's because he's back. How is he, what he's doing; all the same old thoughts - as well as why the hell do I care enough to have thoughts of him invade my brain so often? :(

I was very tempted to forward to him the e-mails she sent me (back on the 16th or so) so he could see what a gloating little child she was being (looked up gloating in the dictionary - 'malicious satisfaction' - and they say it's me who is the malicious one!). No point really, he already knows she can be like that, has happened before.

No doubt he thinks I have been at times too. I think I'd better re-read some old posts before I say whether I think I have gloated in the past; my first thought is that I haven't, but I'm not perfect, it's possible that I've sunk to that level in the past (fictional deities now I've sunk to some spectacular lows in the last two and a half years, but not generally against/towards other people)

Drama at the Office
Went in to the office and opened the mail ... quel orreur (yeah I'm no good at french either), our installer has resigned and posted his resignation giving two weeks notice. I'm not sure how that works cos he says he will use the following two weeks as his notice period - but he knows the boss is in NZ and not back until the day before the business re-opens, and therefore wont have two weeks notice.
Thought about trying to contact the boss to tell him but I a) don't want to spoil his holiday and b) there's nothing he can do about it anyway and c) have no idea how to contact him (he said he was going to leave the mobile at home).
The boss is going to be sooo pissed - we have work booked in for our first day back :( But I think our subbie will be available and be able to do it.

I'm now NOT looking forward to the first day back at work. Do I ring the boss' mobile and leave a message anyway?

Christmas Nails
A pic of Mistyqee and my Christmas Nails:

Christmas Nails

Pleased ..

with myself tonight, even though it has taken several hours (actually, probably because it took several hours and I persevered and did it). I have reconciled my accounts so that I'm ready tomorrow for the yuk task of re-setting my budget for the next 12 months.

It will be particularly yuk as I'm guessing that my income is going to be considerably less :( Goodbye house repairs, goodbye gardening, and maybe it will have to be goodbye to the cigarettes (I know that's a good thing, but it's my only vice other than gardening).

I'm just thankful that I was sensible enough to get ahead on my mortgage payments, gives me a little breathing space.

Work Tomorrow
I have to go into the office briefly tomorrow - to check for payments and do any banking, also to check for any messages. Not really sure what I'll do if there are any urgent call outs, the boss is in NZ so I can't check with him either. Will just play it by ear.

PJ Day
I was supposed to have a PJ day today (used to be something I would always do during the school holidays as a kid, now Mistyqee has taken on the tradition), but had to put the bins out this morning and before that fill them it with lawn clippings etc that had been left out near the front. Plus I later went for the walk, which I wouldn't have done if having a PJ day.

Oh well, I've still got a couple of weeks left, I'm sure I'll fit one in somewhere.

HoundDog Still At It - Or A Fight?

Either she is still hounding him about what I write in my blog, or they are having a fight. That's if, of course, I believe his statement that he only looks at the blog cos he hears so much about it from her. I'll let you guess whether I believed it or not.

Still in Town
It appears he is still/back in town. How do I feel? Heart-in-mouth. Why oh why do I even care? I have NFI.

Memories Still Attacking Me
I went for a 30 minute walk today. Had been thinking for the last few days that I should make the most of the holidays and try to start exercising again.

Exercise is a bit of a love/hate thing for me. I can't afford to lose any weight, but I do want to tone up a little and get back to at least having a fitness level. I guess this is a good thing, as it is another indicator that I'm not just waiting around to die (my thoughts on exercise/giving up smoking used to be 'why bother, it's just extending my life' - and that was something I was NOT interested in doing).

Whilst walking I thought of progressing over the next few days to adding other exercises. That made me think of squats - an 'easy' enough exercise, in that no equipment is necessary, although I usually do them with my gym ball.

Squats made me think of one of the x-rated things I mentioned in passing in this post on 20 Dec. Man, he used to really like that, sad that I couldn't do it for very long though :(

Even when doing something as simple as going for a walk the memories bash me up. Maybe part of it is that we walked together for a while, in the same neighbourhood, saw the same houses I saw today etc....

Maybe I need to find somewhere new to walk.

Ahhhh Holidays ..

I am making the most of the holidays.

Whilst I still wake up at 6.30am I very leisurely roll over and go back to sleep for at least an hour, pure luxury.

There is no set meal time - when I can be bothered is when I make the meal, pure luxury.

No battling the kids about bed time, cos there's no such thing as a set bedtime when it's holidays and they're teenagers.

I am being good and doing some housework - though I'm spreading it out and only doing a little each day, but at least I'm doing it!

Spending as much time in front of the computer as I damn well like :) - it's too hot outside to garden anyway. Am slowly working my way through the numerous photos downloaded from the camera but not yet organised/titled (DCS00267 doesn't really mean much does it).

Also worked out what to do about running out of space for my web site and updated the garden section. More to come later there. And will also get around to uploading the pics of the cat tower, which have been sitting on my computer for three months now!

I may also do some sorting of the various paperwork on the kitchen bench, at a very leisurely pace though.

One problem with holidays though is too much time for thinking, that's not a good thing :( Think about him, think about her, think about me....

Weird Dream

I had a weird dream about him last night that saw me wake up at 2.30 this morning. I don't recall much of it now (I really should write down the details when I wake up).

He had long tentacle-like fingers, and put them through my skull, they went through my brain and he carried me off that way (the impression was kinda like when you see a helicopter carrying something beneath it on a cable). He took me to places we've been in dreams before - a big mansion/resort place where we had an extremely large, and very luxurious (sp?) suite. There was another place too but I don't remember anything about it now. I don't recall what happened.

Must check the dream dictionary.

Today
Thunderbolt is having some mates over (his gf has gone away now until the 2nd January). Mistyqee and I are going to escape to a nursery for a while, the one they gave me the vouchers for is having a sale and it's less likely to be as busy as the other shops, which I intend to give a wide berth. So for now it's out with the garden plan to check how best to spend the vouchers!

Queer As Folk

Tonight's episode held yet another 'blast from the past' for me ... Justin says (this is the Canadian version being shown here in Oz) "I thought we had a committment and I'm f***ing sticking to it".

I made a similar statement to him about ohhhh 8 weeks after the crap started (actually it was 4th September, I just checked my journal), told him I realised I'd been expressing my jealousy in inappropriate ways and that I was still committed to our relationship.

Considering the shite he had put me through that was a very strong statement on my behalf. I read back now through what had transpired in the previous 2 and a half months and am amazed at myself that I could have made that statement and mean it. But I did. I was like Justin, I'd made a committment and I was f***ing sticking to it. He (not Justin) had made a committment too - but he didn't stick to it, just like he didn't stick to so many other 'promises'; I don't think he knows what committment is :(. Just like so many other times, in different areas of his life I guess - once the 'shininess' had dulled he was ready to move on. Time proved that true, even though it wasn't what he had been saying for the prior 10 or so weeks.

Boxing Day

It's been a very relaxing Boxing Day. Had a friend over for coffee in the morning, did a very scant amount of housework, fiddled with photos in preparation for updating the garden section of the site (but need to work out how to free up some space before I can put them on), put my new BBQ together (guess what's for tea tonight!), laid on the couch watching Mistyqee play a new game. Much slothfulness today - and damnit why not, I'm on holidays!

Where Has He Gone?
She indicated he was going somewhere, I tend to believe he has told her that (she was in such a gloating mood, I don't think she made it up or is trying to play the mind games I am so often, falsely, accused of). If he has indeed 'gone away' I would think it would be to Melbourne; he can still do his web sites and phone support from there, and has someone here who can go push a button on a computer when that needs to happen, so it wouldn't affect the business that much. I know he'd had a job offer from an acquaintance over there some time ago.

Alternately he may have gone bush, but I seriously doubt that.

Why the move though, I wonder? What does he believe it's going to achieve? It's not going to stop me thinking about him nor writing my blog. I guess that it will be less easy for her to hound him about what I write though. I think he just wants/ed to be out of this city, cos most likely if he stayed here they would end up back together again (seems they can't help themselves getting back on that rollercoaster), and maybe he finally worked out that she wasn't going to change and let him be him, but can't resist her (or she can't resist him), can't be just friends, and therefore has (had) to leave.

I hope it is Melbourne he's gone to, he has people he knows there.

What the ....

FUCK is she doing visiting here today. Thought I was the one with no life?

Still checking up, still wants to see what I've written - and I'm the one that's obsessed? Yeah right. It's not me that twists her mind, it's her that twists my words, as she has very ably shown me via her e-mails.

If what I write is such 'crap' and 'lies why does she bother come back?

And so this is Christmas ...

Thunderbolt was the first one awake this year at 3.00am!! - cos he went to bed at 8.30 (having stayed up all night the night before), but I think he went to sleep again cos Mistyqee said she woke him up at 5.00 when she woke up :) Stocking prezzies were deemed appropriate and the lollie platter definately acceptable. For the first year Mistyqee didn't go out and get lollies from the Santa on a Ute who always appears driving around our streets. I would have gone out except that I was still in my nightie (not an un-sexy one though).

P arrived and our traditional Christmas breakfast had, then onto the opening of presents. As the children get older there are less presents under the tree each year, but the pocket gets emptier! I now know that I will be doing some gardening over the holidays as I have three nursery gift vouchers to spend (two from my birthday and one today, I'm sure that wont take me long to get through though!). Now I just need to find the money for the dingo I want to hire.

My kartopfel salad is now done, having cooked the bacon, and the kids have gone off to P's for their treasure hunt, then I'll be joining them at his brothers house for lunch. But for now I have nothing that I have to do, so I'll take a leisurely shower, don the bodily Christmas decorations and peruse the garden design to plan my nursery purchases.

I want to send a Merry Christmas message to someone, but I haven't yet.

The Christmas Rituals Begin ..

Christmas rituals are well under way in this household.

Mistyqee and I have done our Christmas fingernails - hers are green with gold sparkles, mine are alternating green with red sparkles and red with gold sparkles. The children are in bed early (well 10.30 is early for teenagers!). Their platter is ready for the morning, stockings filled, presents placed under the tree and I've set the table for breakfast (croissants with ham and cheese, orange juice and coffee). Christmas Day clothes chosen and organised. The rest of the house looks like a disaster area, but that's what happens when teenagers are home all day, so tough, it can stay that way, I'm on holidays.

I was asked to make my kartopfel salad (yeah, I don't know how to spell potato in German I know). I haven't made this in years and it's not from a written down recipe, so I have no idea how it is going to turn out. Have made half of it tonight, the bacon and mint can wait until the morning. The potato looks slightly overdone (for a salad) . I'm just going to enjoy the day; it's been a few years since I've not had to make Christmas lunch (think the last time was about 5 years ago when we went to his parents for Christmas lunch).

The K's Christmas
I wonder what his familys' Christmas will be like this year, with the parents split up, his sisters first Christmas in her house. And him. Will he see any of his children this Christmas, where will he spend it, did he blow his Christmas budget again ? Whatever, I'm sure it will be a very different Christmas for them all this year. Wonder whether his mum finished the egyptian motif quilt for him. Whether she is happier now.

The New Year Looms
The New Year looms, larger than life; what will it bring I wonder. I hope the decision he has made means the end of the rollercoaster - for all of us. No doubt he will still cause heartache and problems though. Seems a re-hashing of my budget will be required, probably no more work on the house other than what absolutely must be done. No doubt I'll overspend on the garden again though :(.

My weight seems to have stabilised again, thank goodness. Maybe this is just my 'summer' weight, though it happened rather quickly and I have concerns it was brought on by factors other than the weather. I may have not been on the emotional rollercoaster this time, but my face and my weight would seem to indicate that I was affected.



There are still visits to the blog - maybe looking to see whether I've been contacted? But I'm not saying, one way or the other. Maybe looking to see how 'shattered' I (should have) been due to her gloating emails?


Still in my mind, despite all the nastiness I've received. Still concerned about how he is each day. Still thinking of the silly things he said that are so obviously just him retaliating at perceived injustices, like he used to. Hoping he hasn't just 'run away' from his responsibilites (though it wouldn't suprise me) - the business, his children the ' up to his eyeballs in debt' that he said he had (and said that wasn't my fault). Still saddens me the way his relationship with his children turned out; but it really is the result of the parenting they receive (from both parents).

I've been thinking about the comment I made that he had supposedly changed, so how would I know what kind of person he is now (a few posts back), and I really don't think he had changed that much at all (from when he started with her). Still behaved the same in fights, still wanted to be my friend, still flitting off on travels even though he perhaps could have been improving his financial situation instead, still treating clients with the same attitude, still wanting to appear professional, still unable to work when emotionally upset, still lending money to 'friends' who were fairly unlikely to repay the debt, still making purposeful deceitful ommissions. If he had changed so much then nothing I have said in my blog would be of concern, to anyone. Sounds like maybe he hadn't changed so much afterall, just his attitude to 'love' (as discussed in a previous post).

He did say he doesn't go to the movies as much anymore. Maybe that's because he'd found it wasn't the same as when he used to go with me ; shame, he used to love the movies. Maybe he just bought more DVD's instead.

It's Christmas!
The clock has ticked over so it's Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

This Anniversary

My predominant thought on this anniversary was 'what have I achieved in the last 12 months?'.

This thought in itself is probably the greatest achievement. I did not realise this until I had related my achievements to my ex-husband (I am alive, my children are alive, I have survived another year of being the parent of teenagers without going stark raving mad, my finances are in slightly better shape than a year ago, I have had *some* of the work done on the house), who joined us for dinner tonight (which was catered by my very able children).

My greatest achievement is that none of my thoughts about this anniversary was "it's one more year closer to the day that I die". That was my predominant thought on this anniversary last year, and probably the year before that.

It doesn't mean that I look forward to life necessarily, but it means to me that I'm not just waiting around waiting to die anymore. To me that is a big improvement. Maybe those thoughts will re-surface, I'm just content that they're not here right now.

Link

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/12/22/1103391840011.html?

Sydney Morning Herald 'Cheating Hearts'

More on Open Relationships

... we had both tried monogamy, and it hadn't worked. We had both tried relationships based on, what we had thought was, love and they hadn't worked - so we agreed to try something else.

I guess there are some (anyone 'in love') who would say that just means that we didn't know what love was/is. But we had thought that we loved those previous partners at the time we were with them. Which, I guess, begs the question - how do you know it is love? You don't.


Some people thought it was odd/funny that we didn't say that we loved each other (some because they could see what was in front of their faces, and to them it was two people who did love each other). For me that was because that wasn't the basis of our relationship, for him, well, he used to say to them that love is something people say they feel about their cat, their dog, their car, and that his partner(s) were far more important to him than that. To me, and then me and our other partner, he used to say he 'liked us more than was good for him'.

To me, the fact that our relationship was not based on love does not mean that love was therefore excluded or non-existant in our relationship (as some would seem to think and infer, and others would seem to now proclaim); it just wasn't going to be the 'make or break' part of our relationship. That was important to me as it seemed, from both our prior experiences, that love was a fleeting thing, that waxed and waned with time. I did not want that as a basis for our relationship, I wanted a relationship that would last.

Maybe this is one of the things he says he has changed about his beliefs - that he now believes in 'love'. But it begs the question of how do you know it's love? I did some research into love (some links are on my links page) a while back....

One says

• Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell this person (though we often hesitate because of our own unfounded fears).
  Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process, which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.

Well, it was him who said there are things he can't tell her. (Yes, there are things he hasn't told me lately either, but I'm not the one who he supposedly loves/is in a relationship with). And yes, it is most likely due to his fears (as to how she will react to those things), but they're not unfounded fears, as he has found out so many times..

The same one goes on to the last/highest level of love:

• "Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a pledge to remain true to your mate throughout good and bad times. Commitment is easy when times are good. Commitment can be extremely difficult when times are bad. Learn to ride out the bad times."

How much committment have they shown to each other - they've 'broken up' for 'the last time' so many times, that doesn't show much committment, sticking together through the bad times.

Another says

• "We're Happy TogetherAfter you've been with your partner a while, you truly are best friends. You've made it through good times and bad times. You trust each other that you won't run off if things get bad - you know you're in it for the long haul. You've seen each other at your best, and you've seen each other on those rumpled mornings when you feel completely awful. Yes, you know you're both not perfect. But what you are, you accept with love and affection. Your relationship isn't about rushing to look fancy all the time - you like each other just the way you are normally. It's also not about yelling and screaming and name-calling. Those are all ways to demean a person. You wouldn't want to demean your best friend! If you start to get grumpy about something, one of you will back off and talk about it later. You grow to learn when one of you is upset about a topic and to work around it."

Hmm they tell me they do a fair amount of yelling (or at least she says she talks, he yells back) and screaming, and yep they/he runs off (or is kicked out - he moved out in May). And there certainly seems to be a topic they just don't seem to be able to work around.

So that's it, that's why we had an open relationship.

That didn't work either, some would say I just had the wrong partner to try it with. Me, well I can't think of a different thing to try now, tried monogamy, tried non-monogamy and neither worked, so now it just me-ogamy.

Open Relationship...

I'm asked whether I know why we had an open relationship. Yeah, I know; because I said to him I didn't think that I was suited to monogamy - right back at the beginning of our relationship, and he agreed/went along with it. Which one of us was the first to have another partner - me. Who was the first one to have another partner for any length of time - me. Who was the one who introduced threesomes into our relationship - me. (Not that that particular relationship started out as being intended to become a threesome like theirs, it just happened/evolved into that).

Maybe she's right, maybe he didn't like kissing me, but it didn't stop him from doing it and besides, there were other things I did that he most certainly more than liked - but they're x-rated so I wont mention them here.

Sheeesh she really is stuck on this 'reaching out' thing, sees it everywhere, in places where it isn't. Strikes me as strange though, cos it's not the 'reaching out' that caused the fights back then either, they were as a result of a fight.

Beware on The Roads ...

Thunderbolt got his L plates today!! And I gave him his first driving lesson; we're both still alive and the car is still intact. I'll only be doing the initial lessons as he will then need to be driving in a manual, but for now I think an automatic is a good idea - less things to have to try to remember to do.

Posting Analysis

To satisfy myself I have done an analysis of the frequency of posts vs their fighting. One would think that if I were trying to cause a fight I would post more frequently just before they fight.

Further, I wanted to check the veracity of a statement I made to her, that that if they left me out of their fights maybe they wouldn't be on my mind so much, and that 'they' are on my mind more of late due to recent events (ie thus resulting in more posts). (She complains that the whole entire site is about them and for them. Yes they feature a lot cos of the affect it has/has had on my life.)

Here's the chart :-


Yep, the second statement is instantly verified. Total posts 144, 50 of which were written after they came to see me (more than one third of the total posts). All the peaks in the graph follow times when he/they have been in contact with me. In September it was me who initiated the contact (my 'hello'), but they'd been fighting again so he was ornery with me.

The first statement is also verified. They had an argument in May that resulted in him moving out. I didn't know about it at the time, they didn't contact me at all; how many posts in May? - ONE, the lowest of all months. So yes, when they leave me out of their fights it is less on my mind (indicated by the reduced number of posts).

January was when I started the blog and in post-fight mode - 13 posts.

February through to April he was fighting to try not let me use the points, initially refusing to reply at all then replying via lawyer, snail mail letters only (other than when he saw me driving in the car and SMS'd asking if it had been me). Towards end of April he starts redeeming points as he should - 15 posts over three months.

May is when they apparently had a huge bust up and he moved out of her house. I was unaware of this until early June, and was unaware it was because of a fight until mid-June - 1 post.

June is when he e-mailed me asking me to meet with him. 3 posts before he contacted me, 7 after. Obvious to me, as a result of the contact, that they have had a fight - 10 posts total.

July - Post fight mode -14 posts.

August - 5 posts.

September was the month I sent him the hello, and he replied with nasty stuff - 11 posts.

October no contact other than things to do with the deed (for the first time he actually sent me a points statement without me having to ask for it) - 6 posts.

November up until they came to see me on 21st - 9 posts, after their visit a further ie post-fight mode - 22 posts.

December (up to the one before this) - much contact from them, still in post-fight mode - 37 posts.

94 posts up until they came to see me (in 11 and 2/3rds months), 50 (in less than one month)after this fight into which they both embroiled me. Yeah I think that shows pretty clearly what makes me post a lot.

Loan Payments..

and of course I am to believe his statement when he said he had been making the loan repayments as quickly as he could. He had said back when I gave him the loan that he would pay it back quicker if he could cos he wanted to be rid of the debt as quickly as possible. But now she is inferring they have been on many travels, to Broome and other places (like their jaunt down south fairly recently I guess). He had $4,000 savings left after buying the car as well. I don't see how those two statements go with trying to pay back the loan as quickly as possible.

It's not that I think he should have been paying it off quicker (he is only half a payment behind at present) as to the reason why I write this (all I want is regular monthly payments) - it is because he said he was paying it as quickly as possible.

None of this should surprise me anyway, I have a very good idea of his attitude towards debt, and it's not a good one (or to some other responsibilities either, not ones to do with me either).

Feeling a bit dehydrated today, which isn't any wonder since Mum and I drank a bottle and a half of wine last night and stayed up chatting until 4am!!! (she was staying the night - which might be a first). It's a long time since I drank that much wine, and certainly a very long time since I stayed up that late. It got to 2.30 before we even knew it, both thinking it was around midnight. This is the second time, since I left my husband, that she and I have had a 'good talk'.

Christmas Stuff

Well I've got my Christmas shopping done (except for the food, which doesn't have to be a lot this year as we're having lunch elsewhere this time), presents are wrapped and stocking fillers are ready.

I decided to send Christmas cards this year, something I haven't done for a few years. Some folk I haven't talked to for a year, others longer. I read the etiquette on writing Christmas cards and am keeping them very short and simple, it's still hard though! Hmm maybe that's why I stopped sending them!

Other thoughts later ... though Mum is coming tonight and I'll probably have a few wines with her, so maybe not.

Stupid me let myself be dragged in again...

How silly of me to have started replying to her e-mails last night, he has told me before that there's no point talking to her when she's like that.

Too tired to blog tonight, after big lunch at work Christmas do and mild amount of alcohol. Probably best not to comment on the e-mails whilst under the influence.

Ahhh yes ...

The rollercoaster is in full swing. Now a barrage of e-mails from her, blaming what I write in the blog for twisting her mind (gee, I wonder who put that thought in her head just now?). There are millions of other sites to read, why come here if she doesn't like the site, if she thinks I'm evil and saying things to manipulate her - this isn't a new thought she's had just now, she's said that to me before the blog began (funny though, the comment I made that time was true too) - then why come and 'allow' herself to be manipulated?

Wonder if she'll stop visiting now? I'll still write, cos I write for me, not for them, or her.

His Mum

..just looked back through the blog and I did mention his mother another time - back in February I was talking about his non-responsiveness to messages, including those passed on by his mother. Still don't see what is so 'depraved' about that.

I did comment about her another time, but not by name or identified in any way, other than in a way he had referred to in a letter to me. Only he and I should be able to recognize who that comment was about .... oh and I guess V - I would think she helped him write some of those letters, he's not usually that 'eloquent', so she might know what I'm talking about too .... but that wasn't a 'depraved' remark either.

The 'L' Word Brings Back Memories

My house repairs are on hold for a while ... my repair guy rang to say that he can't do any work for me for a while as he has to fly to Sydney and stay a few weeks to donate some stem cells for his nephew who has Leukemia ....

Oh boy, did that bring back memories :( Christie in hospital, then the picnic we had after she came out, with her beanie on cos her hair had gone, then back into hospital .... I remember one time I sat there for a couple of hours holding the oxygen mask so it didn't press quite so hard onto her face (it was positioned badly and, as they often do, wouldn't stay in a spot where it wasn't pressing onto her so hard). The last time I saw her in hospital, and how the person from her work (who was also visiting) must have thought I was crazy, talking to her even though she wasn't conscious/awake - I don't think she was just sleeping (they say hearing is the last sense to go, so I talked to her a fair bit). Then the funeral - first time I'd been to a 'viewing'. It was very strange, was as if it wasn't really Christie, as if that wasn't 'her'.

Unhappy for so long...?

Things he says just don't add up - rofl, why on earth does that surprise me!

He says he was unhappy for so long here .... why then, when he finally decided (for her) to sleep in the single bed was it him who sat on the bottom stair (whilst we were taking the single bed upstairs) an said 'this is silly', and me who said to him that it obviously wasn't silly to someone else (referring to her). If he'd been so unhappy being my partner wouldn't he have jumped at the opportunity to get out of my bed?

And why, when we talked (talked calmly, not fought or yelled and screamed about it) about him moving out (before he had said he didn't want to be my partner anymore) did he not jump at that chance? He said, at the time, moving out felt like the wrong thing to do - that he would want to be back in a couple of weeks. If he had been so unhappy here for so long then why would he have felt that way?

If he'd been so unhappy here for so long, why, 6 months after he moved out, did he come and say he was coming back?

If he'd been so unhappy here, why did he SMS me this year saying when he lay there in the dark all he wanted to do was come back here? None of that adds up.

Perhaps he would say it was because of the house, because of the kids, because of the cat ... but he knew it was a package deal.

Edited 10.30pm: He didn't SMS me this year about laying in the dark, went back and looked in the diary and it was on that Christmas Eve. Just as well I write things down so I can go back and check eh?

Depraved?

It's 'depraved' that I should mention his mother in my blog? Huh? I said that I'd seen her, what is so depraved about that?

Or is it because I mentioned his parents splitting up - but that's what he told me, I didn't think it was a secret? Hmm but he said specifically his mother, so I don't think that was it.


He used to say to me that he couldn't believe I could be (so depressed) just because he left/said he didn't want me anymore. Does that mean I shouldn't believe it when he behaves the same way when someone said they didn't want him anymore?

He's had 14 months, or 22 months, or 25 months (take your pick on the starting point, whether it be when I left the business, or when he left here, or when he said he didn't want to be my partner anymore) to prove himself to her - and would appear not to have done so. He knew, from the first time she found out he'd been lying/deceiving her, that he had to show her he was trustworthy, that the lies and deceit were only due to the circumstances at the time (which I think is what he would say - because he was 'trying to minimise the hurt') ... but that doesn't appear to have happened. And he has been reminded how important that is pretty frequently - I guess it comes up almost every time they fight, which has been frequent (refer post about frequency of fights) - but he continues.



Finally managed this week to read part of a book I bought, hmm well over a year ago now, about lies and lying, and this is what it said about the difference between why women lie and why men lie:

"A woman will lie to make you feel good. A man lies to make himself look good."

(It also says something about the difference between lying to the taxman and lying to your (partner), is that afterwards the taxman will still want to screw you! LOL)



And why is it that he says I should tell her about what kind of person he is? After all this time shouldn't she know for herself what kind of person he is, what kind of person he has shown her that he is? He has changed his life and beliefs (he says), so how would I know anyway?

Phew!

The blog is back!

I removed it early Tuesday evening to back it up then couldn't get it back up again. Was tearing my hair out wondering what I'd done wrong. Initially it was because I'd ran out of room on my server, but even after I fixed that last night it wouldn't publish - turns out it was the blog people's servers that were the problem, as I found out this morning.


Received a delightful (not) barrage of SMS and voicemails late Tuesday night that finished at about midnight and continued at 6 yesterday morning. I thought he didn't want me in his life, what is he doing messaging me? Same ol' stuff, threatening me financially - again/still, blaming me for what has happened. Trying to goad me into responding to him. Lashing out as usual, at the wrong person as usual, as he has done for 2.5 years. And what is this about I wont talk to her? She hasn't contacted me, why would I contact her? (Oh, silly me - of course, cos he thinks I'm trying to fill her head with nasty stuff)

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QaF

Guilt and regret over harsh words said as the last interaction with someone, about whom you cared, before they died. The lengths folk will go to, to appease their own guilt.

Emmett made peace with Ted, perhaps partially for the same reason. Makes me think about whether the hand of friendship should be extended next time ... but Emmett was only hurt once, and this isn't a TV show. No, until there is reason to believe that things will be different, that I'm not being simply used by him so that he can go ride the rollercoaster again, no.

I must say, they do deserve top points for trying. That's what he said he needed to do - he had to 'give it a go', had to try, and that they certainly have. When does the point come though, what does it take for the point to come, when you realise that somethings just don't work? Not every endeavour in life succeeds - like I said, this isn't a TV show with the predictable happy ending (he never was a fan of happy endings anyway, he always preferred it when everyone died - especially the good guys).

Creatures

It was sad that the hoppy spider died, but I discovered something even better tonight!

My house has a GECKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not out in the laundry, nor hanging around the light on hthe porch - it's in the house!! I'm rather surprised it is here though, considering I had the house blasted with chemicals just over a week ago, I can't imagine what it is living off.

Now I just have to keep Qetesh away from it, she's already eying it off (probably due to the distinct lack of other bugs for her to chase).

The Cat?

And what on earth does whether the cat remembers him have anything to do with anything?

Hmmmm, maybe..

..maybe this is why I'm feeling dispassionate about all this - maybe it's because I've learned the lesson he taught me (and her) - that he cannot be believed.

... and this is what he does to the person about whom he cares so much of what she thinks (about him)? - he teaches her (and not for the first time) that he will lie to her, to protect her from herself, or, more likely, to save his own skin from her anger; that she cannot trust what he says :(

Thinking about the lie he told her after they'd both been here, reminds me of something I once told him, and I wonder if she is perhaps now feeling. When you know someone has lied to you (and I guess particularly when it has been going on for a long time, like more than 2 years) , you then start not to believe anything they tell you - because you don't know when you can believe then and when you can't.

What Was He Thinking?

He's in the midst of a fight with her, and tells her (another) lie? Not just a little 'I'll slip this in while you're not paying attention', no, he makes a big deal about it (she said) - he told her he had only come over here because she had been here, that he would not have come here if she hadn't been here first. The problem is though, that he has messaged me asking if he could come over before she turned up.

Why did he say that? Probably he didn't want to inflame her further, by admitting that he had wanted to come and see me (ie before she had been here) - because that would add to her thoughts that he wants to come back here/runs back here when they fight. And maybe that's not why he asked to come over, but neither of us will ever know, but that's most likely what he thought she would think it meant, and thus the lie - trying to protect her from herself.

But surely he should have learnt, from all the times he tried to do that in the past, that lying to protect someone only ever ends up in that person being even more hurt? And particularly with her because he knows how important the truth is to her?

Looks like he is still in the habit of saying whatever he needs to say (whether it's true or not), to the person in front of him, to try make the world work his way. Thought he would have learned about that by now too.

Well it is now officially Christmas in this house, tree done, decs done and cards hung.


Been thinking of what he said when he left the voicemails asking me take the blog down. He can't sleep and can't work and 'it's got to stop' (the blog). This was at least 5 days (maybe 6) after she told him she didn't want him in her life, that is why I don't understand the timing of the request to take the site down -

• If it was the blog that made her make that decision (which I don't believe for a minute) then what would it achieve - she had already made her decision.
• Maybe she was making 'fresh' accusations at him each day after reading the blog? Then why not go stay in a hotel, instead of there with her. Or maybe he's already done that (or gone elsewhere at any rate) and she is still 'hounding' him about it ... why is that my fault?
• And why is it my fault anyway, what she does or says to him as a result of reading the blog? (oh, of course, because he thinks I do it on purpose to stir her up - but it's entirely her choice whether she reads and what she says to him as a result. I just write what I'm thinking, what I've observed).
• Or maybe she'd changed her mind and said he could stay again, but then read more things on the blog and regretted her change of mind?

I wonder whether he has broken (yet) another phone; hope his guitar is in a safe place :(

It's Starting To Feel a Lot Like Christmas ...

This being the first weekend in December that the kids are here means only one thing .... it's time to put up the Christmas tree and decorations.

Had to find a new spot for it this year thanks to the cat tower (oh, I haven't posted pics of it, or have I?). So half an hour is spent making room in the kitchen to house the sewing machine so that we have somewhere for the tree, and then cleaning up the dust that has gathered under the sewing machine.

The tree (well, more the stand for the tree) is always a challenge to put up, Tara and I laugh, as we try to remember again how to do it, about the first year we did it, cos the instructions were in French! We manage to get it done without too much fear that the tree will topple.

Then we have James (as the tallest) crown the tree with our beautiful angel. She is really gorgeous, I'm glad I bought her a few years ago, much nicer than the star. Then we check the lights, they all still work, well the tree lights do. The fairy lights 'lost' two sections years ago, so this year we tried to replace the globes that were not working, but the new ones don't fit - so the fairly lights go in the bin. They used to look so nice wrapped around the porch railings :( Oh well, maybe I'll buy some more, they're not *that* expensive, and it's Christmas afterall.

Tara is left to put the tinsel on the tree while I hang the wreath I made, years ago, on the front door. The new snow dome train adorns the mantlepiece, much better than the old candle train I had. I like to buy one new Christmas decoration each year - last year it was three big candles, this year the snow dome train.

Time for a coffee and a TV break for Tara, then it will be on with the other tree decorations and house decs.

Return to Maslow (again)

oh yeah, well and truly back at level one.


Why the continuing visits I wonder. Is she 'checking up' on him to see if she was right to tell him to go, or has she relented (yet again) but still checking up on him to see if he contacts me , or maybe she's just going over history



I've been wondering lately about my need to write, and why I'm still writing, after all this time. Other times when I've been in crisis and written a journal it's only lasted a few months, but here I am still writing about this 2.5 years after it all began. Guess it's an indication that I've not 'moved on' (that's no revelation), that it's all still important somehow to me - otherwise why would my brain give it all so much time? Maybe it's just because it keeps continuing, it's not over yet, so I can't forget it, am not 'out' of it yet. Maybe that's another reason (ie other than Maslow) that I can't 'move on'. Him and his actions don't make it any easier for me to try forget, quite the opposite. Even just the fact of the irregularity of his payments keeps it fresh in my mind. Why can't it just be done automatically, like he said at the beginning he would organise, and have it just happen. No, he has to make it personal (his comment re "in return for making payments" - ie it is personal). And now of course threaten to not pay at all, which of course makes it at the very forefront of my mind (see Maslow).

And of course I wonder/worry about how he is, if he has someone to talk to (not that he's really good at talking), has he started sleeping and able to work.

Is there a doctor in the house? I need that cardio/lobotomy.

Oh Gawd

Even shows I don't watch regularly remind me about all this shite ...

Was sitting on the couch spending time with the kids, some show was on (Will & Grace?), a character (don't know who is whom) comes into a room where two people (mother and son) are pretending to have a really good time together. The character says that each has said to her that they can't wait for when the mother leaves (ie son wants his mother to go and mother wants to go). What happens? The character is castigated by the mother as being a nasty lying bitch (to use Australian terms); but guess what, it's true, they had both said it! Gee now who does that remind me of, I wonder.

No wonder I don't usually 'idly' watch tv.




Of course I received a very flattering reply (LOL) to my SMS reply to his voicemails - that if he can't function, and can't do the things he needs to do, he should seek help, see a doctor - "Foad".

He asks for me to do something because he believes it will make his problems go away (I knew I shouldn't have restricted my posts last time he asked, not even for the short time that I did; that it would only result in more requests for the same ). I know it wont make the problems go away cos it's not the blog that is the problem, and suggest something that will help, even if only in the short term - to get through the 'worst' of it. I believe it will help cos I've been there, done that (no doubt he would say it's nothing like the same thing) and it helped me do the things that I needed to be able to do - work, keep the business, at the very least, ticking over (particularly when he 'couldn't' work cos he was so mixed up), care for the kids etc. I didn't really want to go to the doc, but I knew there were things that I had to do, so I went. Being able to sleep for 6 hours certainly helped a lot. Only once or twice a week I needed it to be able to function. Needed other assistance later on; felt like a failure needing chemical help, but only used it for a short time, and it helped to get me through. Oops I'm rambling (again), anyway, I suggest something I believe will help, and that's the reply I get 'foad'. Maybe the implied 'threat' regarding the business was supposed to have 'moved' me; been manipulated too many times before for that.

No doubt if his business does now fall apart he will blame me. I'm not the only one to have seen him cast blame where it doesn't belong before. It's his business now, it's up to him.



He asks me to leave him alone (in the e-mail), but then a week later rings and leaves me voicemails asking me to do something for him?

I was surprised to recently see the following in a thread on a friends friends list on LJ. I was surprised because it's not about me/my blog, the person doesn't even know me (not to my knowledge anyway). It's about being asked to remove entries from an LJ (LiveJournal)

"What, is someone holding a gun to their head and forcing them to scroll back through pages and pages of someone else's journal? Just don't look if you don't wanna see it, it's not rocket science."

"comments might be understandable, within reason, and in very rare circumstances. (NJD: ie asked to be removed)
Entries though are personal.Ask them if they would throw their computer out, no DEMAND that they throw their computer out and see what they say to that.
Ask them, sorry, DEMAND that they cut off the third finger on their left hand, you'll get the same answer."

There were about 15 comments to the persons' entry regarding being asked to remove entries, all the comments were against the idea. Of course they are all biased - they all have LJs, but it seems so does the person who made the request.



He asks me again to remove my site (I'm sure he means just the blog), says he cannot sleep nor work, no vitriol this time. I've been there and I know it's not nice, if he needs to function and can't then he needs to do something about that himself. I once wrote in a poem "small respite is found in a pill, brings sleep, but doesn't fix the ill" - I wasn't functioning very well, not feeling able to cope, so I took myself off to the doctor. It didn't make the bad things go away, but it helped to allow me to be able to do the things that I needed to keep on doing - look after the kids and work. Work was very important for me (more so then because it was my own - our- business), was one of the things that kept me sane .... still is.

I don't understand the timing of the request .. if she/they have decided to part then it shouldn't matter what I write anymore. If they have decided to stay together it shouldn't matter what I write. I know the blog doesn't cause the fights cos they fight whether it is/was here or not. I don't understand what he thinks removing it now will achieve?
Note to self:-1.5 this morning, phew.

QaF

Yet again, something in QaF that makes me think about all this stuff...

Ted and Emmett's 'interminable feud'. Emmett is not meant to forgive Ted for the pain he suffered at Ted's hands, he is just meant to acknowledge it. Then Ted has to forgive himself.

Have I acknowledged the pain and damage I suffered? I think I have, I'm certainly very aware of it. Has he forgiven himself? I don't know, perhaps not.

Why have I turned him away when he has wanted to be friends? Because I believe I am only putting myself up again for being used; that is how it felt the other times when I extended the hand of friendship that he sought, and he can never say why it will be different 'this' time.



On a totally different note, he says, in his vitriolic e-mail, "Only when things are at their very worst to(sic) people show who they really are and what they really are. You have shown so clearly that you are a hateful, spiteful and vengeful person your true colours are revealed but the only one who sees them is me to everyone else you appear to be the innocent the “hard done by” only you and I know the truth." (umm, it was him who didn't want to be my partner anymore, I think that makes me the innocent party.)

Isn't he doing exactly what he talks about? Things are at the very worst for him (from his point of view), and what does he do? He sends hateful, spiteful, vengeful messages and voicemails. So what does that say about him? What are his own true colours that he shows?

I've often thought that maybe he thinks I'm hateful and vengeful because that's the way he is and that is the way he would react, and therefore believes that's how I am/my motivation for doing things (like write the blog). Hasn't he just shown (and not for the first time) how hateful, spiteful and vengeful he can be?

More ponderings ...

He said on that Sunday that he still wanted to be my friend. I asked him why; after all the things he has done and said to me, acted like a bastard to me (his words), the way he has thought about me (that I'm evil and tried to ruin his life - his recent e-mail wasn't the first time he said that); why is it that he still wants to be my friend/friends with me. Maybe I was also asking to try work out the very same question I often ask myself (only thought of that just then)?

He said it's because he missed our conversations, that there were things he couldn't discuss with her, things he couldn't tell her. If she is the sensitive and caring person he says she is then why cannot he have that with her? After two and a half years in a relationship that, he says (later), is so much better than ours, why can't he have those conversations with her, why can't he tell her those things? He said it's because she doesn't understand....... after two and a half years?? I don't get it.

If the life he had 'built' with her was so good, so much better than ours, why did he want me back in it?

I've thought before (long time ago) that after he stopped being my partner (and during the time just prior to that) he became someone other than the person she fell in love with.

Maybe that is true - she says she fell in love with someone but she doesn't know who that is. He says he changed his life and beliefs for her ... I guess what he doesn't/didn't realise is that that's not who she fell in love with, she fell in love with him as he was, back then at the beginning.

Looking forward to ..

having some time off over Christmas/New Year, feels like forever since I began working, instead of only 13 months. I'm looking forward to not having to set the alarm, but also not looking forward to having so much time on my hands :(
Note to self:-2 this morning

I got it!

I think I know what it's like! ... it's like when a song or tune is stuck in your head and you can't stop thinking about it, humming it etc. You don't hate it, don't love it, just get frustrated that it keeps on being there, repeating itself over and over.

Dispassionate

Am I really dispassionate about all this as I thought I was? Things are certainly churning through my head a lot - I guess that's evidenced by the number of posts I've made - and I have to ask myself what that means.

I don't *feel* upset, or happy or sad, or smug (as he would think); I don't feel anything in particular at all (except about the hoppy spider :(). Maybe that's just the 'zombie' state that has become the norm for me, maybe it's because I've been through this so many times before and it's just the same old stuff again; I don't know, but I don't feel emotional about it, so yeah, the dispassionate comment is still true.

It's just the stuff that's going through my head. Sometimes I think that if I write it down I'll be able to stop thinking about it. Seems to have worked with the biz stuff, hasn't been rattling around in my brain since I wrote it down earlier.




Note to self for future reference: -1 sometime this week before Friday.

THe Biz

I really don't think it's possible to say anything about the business other than it grew to become what it did because of the efforts/inputs by both of us; not just him and not just me.

Bugs

Didn't find many dead bugs to pick up :(, either they've already been eaten or htey've run away to die (I saw 6 or 7 staggering around after the guy had been). A sad death, that I hadn't thought about, was the hoppy spider that only appeared about two weeks ago, found him dead on the bedroom floor :( Guess the spray has to be pretty indescrimanate. Oh well, I wont miss the roaches, pantry moths et al.



Wish this other shit would get out of my mind, keeps on turning around in my brain even when working in the garden :( Where would his business (rofl, wasn't just his business when I met him, someone else was the money person then) be if it hadn't been for me? Firstly he wouldn't have been able to expand in the way he wanted, to make the business more than what it was (and it would have been well dead by now if it had remained only that - the previous business partner wasn't interested in providing funds for the expansion) - I provided the funds for that.

Secondly, if he had done everything the same that we did, but by himself, he would be bankrupt - it wasn't him who borrowed the money to make the bank go away. And why were we in that position? - because of one of his ideas (I'm not saying I'm not to blame for that too, I went along with it). So yeah, I know *exactly* where *his* business would be right now if it were not for me, dead or dead. Maybe he would have found a different partner, but he didn't (there was someone else around with the money at the time, but he chose not to go that way).

So did he achieve what he achieved through all his own efforts, as he purports? I don't think so!

So when he says that I rode apon (sic) his coattails, I know that's not true. I didn't join the business/he didn't invite me into the business cos I had great/lots of ideas, that wasn't my role. He wanted/needed someone to do the admin and support stuff and provide money, so he could play and do the stuff he liked/wanted to do. Yes he worked hard at times, but so did I, and put a lot more up at stake than he did. Aaacckkk, back into the same old things he used to bring up ages ago, this stuff really is ancient history - why can't he let it go? Bah, I shouldn't bother, I know when he looks at it/is reminded of his statements at a later, calmer time he will again say he knew it wasn't true and that he was just trying to hurt me/lash out.

Suden Thought ..

Shit, I hope the birds that visit my backyard don't get sick/die from eating dead/groggy insects zapped by the pest controller yesterday :( No fish deaths thankfully - but they were covered up anyway, and the baby birds in the lemon tree had already flown away, so they're safe. Hmm I better go round and pick up the dead insects outside as if there isn't still enough cleaning up to do after his visit.



A further thought on the loan thing occurred to me - he is repaying me cos I lent him the money to buy me out ... nothing more nothing less, nothing else should come in to it. It's not me that owes him anything, I don't owe him anything 'in return' - I already did that part by lending him the money (more fool me!).

Blog Visits

Why so many visits back to my blog I wonder?

Why would she be coming back again and again? Is she 'testing' him - said she doesn't want him around just to see if he 'comes back' (that's what she has expected of him in the past); and if he doesn't she'll say he can come back to her? Sheeesh I don't like the sound of that, that's not fair on a person to play them like that. And goodness only knows how much time frame you put on that too (how long does she wait?). Means, to me, that she didn't say it to him/decide it simply because it wasn't working either I would think. If that's what she's doing then, it would seem, that she has said it because she thinks he wants to come back here, not just because their relationship isn't working :(

Or maybe she has taken him back and is still checking up on him, via my blog? Sheesh if that's the case then she's still suspicious of him which, to me - and confirmed by what they've said to me - is the whole problem anyway, and that means that hasn't been 'fixed'. If that hasn't gone away then I really don't see that anything will change.

And what if it's him? No doubt looking to see what lies and falsehoods I'm trying to push down her throat, as he thinks I do. Well, I'm not sorry to disappoint him if that's what he's looking for, he wont find them in my blog. He'll find what's usually here - my trying to figure out the things that puzzle me, trying to work out the things that don't seem to make any sense, trying to work out myself for myself.



The thing about the loan is still turning over in my mind and the car finance thing (which he mentioned in his e-mail the other week, for the first time in quite a long time). Referring back to an email from November last year he said:

"I am a bit worried about becoming liable for the car repayments if you dont get the contract changed with the finance company."

He knew I was the one with the most assets (as had always been the case) and that the finance company would be far more likely to come after me to recoup monies rather than him. And our legal agreement didn't say anything about me having to get the contract with the finance company changed into my name only, only that I was to make payments as they were due.

Maybe he felt I hadn't done the 'right thing' in regards to the car finance - but I had done what the Deed said I was required to do, so how does that follow? All I have asked him to do is what he said he would do in the Deed.

Now he says:
'These past months I have been trying to treat you with respect and honour our agreement, I have been performing the points redemptions as quickly as possible and paying the loan repayments as quickly as I possibly could. In return I had hoped that you would treat me the same but you have sunk far to low even for that."

But by performing the points redemptions, and making the payments, all he was doing was what he had agreed to do. He seems to think that because he had been doing what he agreed to in the Deed, that I should think differently about him/towards him (friendlier maybe, was he doing it because he wanted to show that he wanted to be friends??); ie he wasn't doing it because it was simply what he should do (because it was what he had agreed to do)? that he was doing it only dependant on us being friendly? That certainly wasn't in the Deed.

"And your response to my efforts to honour our agreement..."; I'm supposed to respond to him meeting his responsibilites? Huh? Does the bank write and thank me or congratulate me for making my mortgage payments (which are always on time, unlike his payments)? No, I don't think so. To me, I consider that under the Deed we have the same relationship as a bank and loan client. To me, he should just be making the payments and redeeming the points because that's what the Deed says, not because of how it might make me feel about him, not to try make me feel a particular way about him. He shouldn't be doing those thing to 'get' a response out of me. I did/did not do what I had to under the Deed - sold him my share of the business, did not contact or solicit clients, did not become a director, principal etc etc. Those are the things I said/agreed I would do in the Deed and I did them, regardless of whether we were being friendly (which was obviously not the case a fair amount of the time), not for any 'thanks' from him, but because it's what I said/promised I would do; I met my end of the bargain, why will he not meet his? Shows how much import he puts in even legal promises.

Silly me though, I really shouldn't put so much brain time into the comments he made in the e-mail and voicemails, it's just an emotionally charged lashing out, like I've experienced so many times before. Just beating up on myself I guess, cos I really wanted him to get his finance elsewhere (because of what I knew about his attitude towards debt) and feel I should have perhaps pushed him harder to do so. And so I learn again that there's no point in being 'nice' to him, but then again I didn't do it to be nice to him anyway, I did it to get myself out of an unworkable situation.

Why does he seek to blame me for her decision? Doesn't he think she's capable of making her own decision? She didn't appear to be hyper-emotional when she and I were trading e-mails, and it was over a week and a half after the fight, so it wasn't something she said 'off the cuff' during a fight. He said that she's 'quite bright', so why doesn't he think she can make a decision by herself?

I've been thinking more about my stand that it's important for the decision maker to make the right decision 'for themselves', and wondering whether I only say that because he made a decision (told me he was staying), then, after visiting her, told me he was leaving; it seemed to me that it was not *his* decision, and I really felt that was wrong, and that it wasn't *him* who had made the decision. But no, that event isn't what makes me say that they have to decide for themselves, because that was my view during the time that I knew he was trying to decide (whether to stay or go) - which was obviously before the 'I'm staying' then 'I'm leaving' episode.


What does he think the threat of not repaying the loan will achieve? I guess it's the only thing he feels he has left that gives him control over me.

An observation/realisation that I made about myself last night was that I'm feeling rather dispassionate about events of the last week.

I wonder whether that's simply because I've been through this so many times before - I guess kind of like having become desensitized, I don't know. But what it does confirm for me is that I don't act out of vindicitiveness - otherwise, I figure, I'd be sitting here with a chesire-cat grin on my face, or have some kind of (evil-based) feeling of satisfaction. But I feel neither of those things; I don't feel happy, sad, bad, excited, vindicated ... nothing.

Being Jumpy not Just Me..

I felt better about having been being 'jumpy' lately .. was woken at about 11pm last night (I had fallen asleep on the couch) by a knock at the door; it was the police.

My first thought was, what could I possibly have done that he has sent the police to my house, then thought maybe they were coming with 'bad' news. But it wasn't either - someone in the neighbourhood had reported hearing sounds that they thought were people jumping over back fences, and they had come to investigate. I wasn't much help, I hadn't even heard that there'd been a bit of a downpour sometime in the preceeding half hour!

I let her look around the backyard, there was no sign of people jumping over the fence where they usually do. She left, I went to bed thinking that I was pleased I had had the screens done, and felt better about having been so jumpy.

De ja Vu

How odd, no, that's not the right word, how very repetitive I guess is more accurate.

I was thinking last night that it was highly likely that I would be 'crucified' by him for having replied to her e-mails, but then also thought that maybe this time it would be different and that he would stay out of contact with me. And this morning/today I was (cricified) - though I didn't know it until tonight. When I realised who the messages were from - thank goodness for having set a personal ring tone for him, though I was only reminded on Sunday that I had set one for him, must have done it ages ago cos I don't remember when I did it - I decided not to listen to them until after work; didn't know whether it was going to be pleasant or nasty, but either way I didn't want to be distracted from work. Felt bad about it later in the day and almost listened to them at lunchtime, had a pang of angst that maybe he was thinking 'dangerously' and that I would feel guilty if I hadn't 'been there' for him.

But then I remembered he said in his email that he would never return to my life, and I had taken that to include being in contact with me, so I didn't listen to the messages until I got home.

I half expected he might be here - either pissed off or sad, and was relieved that he wasn't.

It was the same old vitriol over again, that I have heard and read before. And for which he has later apologised and said he didn't mean and shouldn't have said. Again he returns to spitting out hateful nasty things that he himself has told me at other times, he regrets, that he was just being a 'bastard'. His 'fighting style' has not changed.

I have such a strong sense of de ja vu ... been here before, done this before ... it really all is more of the same.

Hearing Noises ...

Ever since the surprise visit the other Sunday I keep hearing noises ... thinking a car has pulled up in the drive when it's someone on the sidestreet (I'm on a corner and that has happened before, that I've thought someone was here when it was someone pulling up at a house on the side street - but it's happening a lot more frequently than usual at the moment), thinking I've heard the screen door make a noise, but there's no one there. It's not that I'm *wanting* someone to come, just that after an unexpected visit (I have *very* few unexpected visitors, almost never) .. I guess it's made me 'jumpy'.


Looked back through my old journal briefly tonight, man, I really did go through hell. What I found interesting was the 'dispassion'/objectivity with which I read it, that it made me feel (ie didn't make me feel mad, sad, bad, or anything really) ... guess it just confirmed that I really did go through a really bad time back then.