De ja Vu

How odd, no, that's not the right word, how very repetitive I guess is more accurate.

I was thinking last night that it was highly likely that I would be 'crucified' by him for having replied to her e-mails, but then also thought that maybe this time it would be different and that he would stay out of contact with me. And this morning/today I was (cricified) - though I didn't know it until tonight. When I realised who the messages were from - thank goodness for having set a personal ring tone for him, though I was only reminded on Sunday that I had set one for him, must have done it ages ago cos I don't remember when I did it - I decided not to listen to them until after work; didn't know whether it was going to be pleasant or nasty, but either way I didn't want to be distracted from work. Felt bad about it later in the day and almost listened to them at lunchtime, had a pang of angst that maybe he was thinking 'dangerously' and that I would feel guilty if I hadn't 'been there' for him.

But then I remembered he said in his email that he would never return to my life, and I had taken that to include being in contact with me, so I didn't listen to the messages until I got home.

I half expected he might be here - either pissed off or sad, and was relieved that he wasn't.

It was the same old vitriol over again, that I have heard and read before. And for which he has later apologised and said he didn't mean and shouldn't have said. Again he returns to spitting out hateful nasty things that he himself has told me at other times, he regrets, that he was just being a 'bastard'. His 'fighting style' has not changed.

I have such a strong sense of de ja vu ... been here before, done this before ... it really all is more of the same.