More on Open Relationships

... we had both tried monogamy, and it hadn't worked. We had both tried relationships based on, what we had thought was, love and they hadn't worked - so we agreed to try something else.

I guess there are some (anyone 'in love') who would say that just means that we didn't know what love was/is. But we had thought that we loved those previous partners at the time we were with them. Which, I guess, begs the question - how do you know it is love? You don't.


Some people thought it was odd/funny that we didn't say that we loved each other (some because they could see what was in front of their faces, and to them it was two people who did love each other). For me that was because that wasn't the basis of our relationship, for him, well, he used to say to them that love is something people say they feel about their cat, their dog, their car, and that his partner(s) were far more important to him than that. To me, and then me and our other partner, he used to say he 'liked us more than was good for him'.

To me, the fact that our relationship was not based on love does not mean that love was therefore excluded or non-existant in our relationship (as some would seem to think and infer, and others would seem to now proclaim); it just wasn't going to be the 'make or break' part of our relationship. That was important to me as it seemed, from both our prior experiences, that love was a fleeting thing, that waxed and waned with time. I did not want that as a basis for our relationship, I wanted a relationship that would last.

Maybe this is one of the things he says he has changed about his beliefs - that he now believes in 'love'. But it begs the question of how do you know it's love? I did some research into love (some links are on my links page) a while back....

One says

• Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell this person (though we often hesitate because of our own unfounded fears).
  Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process, which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.

Well, it was him who said there are things he can't tell her. (Yes, there are things he hasn't told me lately either, but I'm not the one who he supposedly loves/is in a relationship with). And yes, it is most likely due to his fears (as to how she will react to those things), but they're not unfounded fears, as he has found out so many times..

The same one goes on to the last/highest level of love:

• "Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a pledge to remain true to your mate throughout good and bad times. Commitment is easy when times are good. Commitment can be extremely difficult when times are bad. Learn to ride out the bad times."

How much committment have they shown to each other - they've 'broken up' for 'the last time' so many times, that doesn't show much committment, sticking together through the bad times.

Another says

• "We're Happy TogetherAfter you've been with your partner a while, you truly are best friends. You've made it through good times and bad times. You trust each other that you won't run off if things get bad - you know you're in it for the long haul. You've seen each other at your best, and you've seen each other on those rumpled mornings when you feel completely awful. Yes, you know you're both not perfect. But what you are, you accept with love and affection. Your relationship isn't about rushing to look fancy all the time - you like each other just the way you are normally. It's also not about yelling and screaming and name-calling. Those are all ways to demean a person. You wouldn't want to demean your best friend! If you start to get grumpy about something, one of you will back off and talk about it later. You grow to learn when one of you is upset about a topic and to work around it."

Hmm they tell me they do a fair amount of yelling (or at least she says she talks, he yells back) and screaming, and yep they/he runs off (or is kicked out - he moved out in May). And there certainly seems to be a topic they just don't seem to be able to work around.

So that's it, that's why we had an open relationship.

That didn't work either, some would say I just had the wrong partner to try it with. Me, well I can't think of a different thing to try now, tried monogamy, tried non-monogamy and neither worked, so now it just me-ogamy.