XmasNails05

XmasNails05
Originally uploaded by Ladytreemaker.

It is becoming a tradition for Mistyqee and I to decorate our nails in Christmas colours for Christmas Day. I like to paint my nails in unusual ways.

I managed to get Mistyqee's nails done on Christmas Eve. Hers are the ones underneath - dark green with red sparklies.

Mine had to wait until Christmas Day when the kids had gone with their Dad for a few hours. I only had time for one coat of green so it's much lighter than Mistyqees'. Green with a red stripe and gold sparklies.

Not hard to tell which are the Old Crones' hands is it!

Merry Christmas To All!!

The clock just ticked over one minute past midnight and that mean it's Christmas here!!!!!!!!!!

Merry

Christmas

Everyone

Almost everything is done on my list and I'm about to hit the pillows.

I wish you all a safe and happy holiday.

P.S. I had a great birthday, will share some of the booty with you later.

So Far So Good

After the work Christmas lunch (which went til after 5pm) and a small birthday gathering I woke a little (but not a lot) seedy this morning.

Despite that I've managed to mow both the lawns and vacuum up all the leaves, and now the shade sail is up too.

Progress is good.

Still To do:
* Make more Christmas shortbreads (cos the ones we made Tuesday are all gone already)
* Tidy/clean the kitchen and bathroom
* Make potato salad for tomorrow
* Do the Christmas Nails thing (see post last year)

Then after the children are in bed:
* Sort and organise the stockings
* Place pressies under the tree

Certified

Woohoo! I got my forklift truck driver ticket today!

Christmas is Complicated for Some People

(end note - sorry 'bout the formatting, the editor went whacko on me and I don't have the brainpower to sit and fiddle with the html)

Tonight I feel both crummy and a little proud of myself.

Get a coffee if you're going to plough through this....

Mum and Me
The relationship between me and my mum has improved this year mostly due to the fact that she has spent more time with me and the kids than in any of the preceeding 9 years (ie since I left my husband).

It didn't really start off as being because she wanted it to be that way - she and her boyfriend split up, so she had no-where to stay on Friday nights. I offered that she could stay here, and so she has, just about every week, for the last hmm quite a few months now; she comes, we have pizza together (either just her and me or her, me and the kdis), watch TV/do whatever then go to bed; she gets up and leaves (for her committment) usually before anyone else gets up. On the odd occassion she has stayed more than one night in a week - when she has had other committments here in the city and I knew it would be easier for her to stay here than go home that night.

For me, I wouldn't say that we have 'regained' a mother/daughter relationship, but that we have built a level of respect for each other.

But I do wonder - if she still had the other place to go to, if I hadn't made the (unrequested) offer, would we have seen as much of each other? I don't know the answer.

My Christmas' for The Last 9 Years
Nuclear Family (ie the kids, the ex and me) Christmas':-
As a result of our 'week about' arrangement with the children it happens that one parent has them for about 7 years for Christmas then the other has about 7 years of Christmas' with the kids at their house.

We have, other than the first Christmas (which was only a month after we split up), played Christmas as follows:

4-6am Kids wake (yep, even at aged 15 last year Mistyqee was awake bright an early last year) and get to open their stockings* until the time the parent they're living with has said they're allowed to rouse them (I think it's usually about 7.30 - 8 at my place).
*Yep, main aim of stocking pressies is that it be something to keep them occupied for a while so parents aren't awakened at ungodly hour

8 - 10 Non-resident parent arrives for our (now) traditional breakfast of croissants with ham and cheese, orange juice and hot drink of choosing. Following which someone is nominated as Santa and doles out the pressies under the tree.

10-12 Non-resident parent and kids return to the other house for more pressie opening (and at their dads' place a visit to the best Aunt and Uncle in our kids world)

12ish Kids return to where they are living for lunch, non-resident parent heads off to whatever Christmas lunch/rest of day arrangements they have made for themselves.

I'ts not as rigid as that, we're very relaxed about it.

(Actually we might have spent the second Christmas, after splitting up, at my mums' house), but it was a bit weird, my family didn't really know how to behave with me and my ex in the same room and getting on so well with each other), so it was something we didn't repeat.

My Non-Child Christmas'
As it turned out the kids were at the ex' for the first ohh about 5 Christmas'; it wasn't planned that way, it's just when the day fell in the calendar. When the kids came back with me to my place at about 10 they'd get a pressie from my (then) partner (yes, the rather infamous one whose later actions caused me to need to start writing a journal again), we'd open the 'house' present (he and I started a tradition of buying a present for the 'house' ie for everyone to use .. a playstation, an avalanche machine, a popcorn maker ... that kind of thing) and they would play with their gifts until it was time to go back to dads' for lunch.

I'm not sure in what order, but I think initially my partner would then go have lunch with his parents and I stayed home by myself. Then one year just he and I stayed home and had lunch together, then another year I was invited to his parents for lunch.

My Child-Week Christmas'
Then it started to be the kids weeks with me when Christmas fell, I think that started happening , hmm must be 6 years ago (maybe only 5, not sure what a leap year does to the days). I don't recall my partner being here when my ex came over and we did the nuclear family part of the day, but I guess he must have been here. Then either we had lunch just the four of us (me, the kids and my partner) or perhaps he went to see his family; I don't recall. His bond with the kids by then was quite strong, so I think he probably stayed here.

The next year the four of us (me, my partner and the kids) went to his parents' for lunch. The following year we had them (his parents, sister and I think, his nannas) over here. The next year was after we had split up (but he was still living here), and although we were invited, the kids and I satyed home by ourselves for lunch whilst he went to his parents'.

Last year the kids and I were invited to join my ex at his brother & wifes' house for lunch, and we went.

This year, about a month ago (when this starts being a question people ask 'what are you doing for Christmas'), there had been no invitations and I was thinking that I'd like to just stay home, me and the kids, for lunch this year.

Then mum said she had been offered the ship for Christmas day, and would the kids and I like to have Christmas lunch on the ship? The kids weren't with me that week, and I didn't want to make any arrangements without their input; it was about two weeks before we got around to discussing it.

The Kids Decision
I said it seemed we had perhaps three options for Christmas day:
1. Stay at home just the three of us,

2. Go to the Aunt and Uncles if we received an invitation to do so or

3. Take a picnic lunch to the ship with Marzie.

I told them my preference was the first, but that I would be happy to do whichever one they chose, cos to me Christmas is mostly for them.

They chose either or 2 or 3.

The next time I discussed it with mum she advised that the ship had now been taken by someone else for Christmas Day. (She is doing ship duty as usual on the Saturday, which is Christmas Eve, and will be staying here Friday night as usual - which also happens to be my birthday).

There is yet to be an invitation to the Aunt and Uncles house (they've been overseas on a holiday and it wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't gotten around to making their arrangements yet, having only just returned last week).

So at this point nothing is planned for Christmas.

Curious

I had started to become a curious as to whether mum might ask to stay the night on Christmas Eve, and had started to wonder whether she might want to be involved in our Christmas even though the ship would not be involved.

I discussed it last week with my ex and voiced the above thoughts. He said, and I agreed, that he considered Christmas morning to be for 'us' - just him, me and the kids, and that he didn't really want my mum to be there for that time. He was happy for her to be involved in any other part of the day, and would ask whether she could join us at the Aunt and Uncles if an invitation was forthcoming.

Mum rang earlier this week to say she'd been invited by friends to have Christmas lunch (or was it dinner?) with friends in the town where she lives. I felt a degree of relief I am slightly ashamed to admit, but I was also happy for her.

Feeling Crummy, but Also a Smidge Proud of Myself

Then tonight mum rang again. Towards the end of the conversation she asked whether she might stay the night Christmas Eve so she could be here in the morning, see the kids open their presents. She said it was ok to say no.

I had thought this potential dilemna had passed, and didn't have a prepared reply. I hesitated and ummed and ahhh'd and eventually explained that I had discussed this with the ex, and that this had become 'our' time. I felt badly :(

She was very gracious, said that that was fine and ok, didn't sound put out or disappointed, though I'm sure she felt it.

I feel rather crummy about having said no. With Gran gone and my sister having disassociated mum (due to issues over Grans' will), she wont be seeing any family on Christmas day.

But I also feel a little proud of myself for sticking up for the new 'traditions' that my nuclear family have developed, which were, basically, as a direct result of the fall-out of our marriage break-down (ie mum didn't like me, my sister disowned me. other than that second Christmas I didn't see them on Christmas day at all (not so bad as my birthday is two days prior and I always saw them then anyway, and would exchange Christmas gifts at that time) and they all made their own plans that didn't include me.

Conclusion

Did I do the right thing? I don't know. The right thing for mum, probably not. The right thing for my ex, yes. The right thing for the kids, I don't know. The right thing for me, yes.

So tonight I go to bed with a slightly troubled mind; feeling crummy but tinged with a bit of pride.

Xmas lights - Google Video

Xmas lights - Google Video

Mistyqee and I walked up the street last night to have a look at the Christmas Lights display at a couple of houses.

Very cute - these people also have displays in the front two bedrooms and their garage, talk about letting it take over the house!

It doesn't hold any kind of candle next to this video though (click on the title above). Apparently the owner turned them off after there was a traffic accident outside his house.

Blogthing

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

Happy Dance (or .. How Small is my Life)

Firstly, I'm ok. I know yesterdays' post was depressing, but I don't feel depressed - it's just a fact/how things are. Maybe my conclusion was wrong, but somehow I don't think so .... things are pretty shite at the moment due to being in limbo land as far as the legal matter is concerned. I may have a very hard decision to make very soon, but even after that I'm not certain that my 'life'/outlook on life will change dramatically.

Think if kinda comes back to something I've said before - I'm basically 'doing it for the kids', or everyone else; not for me. So what, I'm here, I'm doing 'it'.


Anyway................. I was *almost* doing a happy dance after I got home from work tonight, but before that ...

Tomorrow
I'm not sure whether to be happy or anxious that the boss will be back tomorrow. Glad cos it means I'm not *it* any more and the problems will no longer be mine and mine alone. Anxious cos he will not be a happy chappy about things that have occurred whilst he was away (thankfully none of them any of our fault though).

Had knots and uncomfy tummy feelings on the way to work this morning, that's never happened before. Didn't get a period yet either so I'm fairly resigned that it (and Friday) was due to work :( Not good. Hoping it goes away after tomorrow.

Burning Money :(
Bit the bullet today and made an appt to see my lawyer in the coming weeks. Irks me dreadfully to burn money like that but I don't see that I have any option - so I do what I have to do (as usual!).

Finally - The Happy Dance! (or How Small is my Life)
Onto more positive things though ... I was most pleased this afternoon on my return to my abode from the workplace.

There waiting for me was a grinning Mistyqee behind which was hiding ..

my new vaccuum cleaner!!!

Yup, see how small my life is - my day is made by receiving a new vaccuum cleaner - at least I can still laugh at myself!

Bought online two weekends ago and it's here already, thought it would take longer (had to come from the opposite side of the country to get here). Short read of the manual and the test run went well .... have decided to donate my old one (which does carpets well, of which I have few, but does very poorly on the tools - which I need the most!) to work, since the one there blew up two weeks ago.

Now I have to wait for a break in the teenage-tv-viewing so I can at last vaccuum the couch :) (no, I'm not a manic cleaner - honest, it bugs me though when I want to clean something and can't for the lack of tools!)

Los of Nothing = Too Much Thinking

Nothing
I have been reasonably accomplished at doing nothing again this weekend.

Did grocery shopping, re-hung the fairy lights outside cos they'd fallen down.

Mowed the front and back lawns.

Did washing.

Washed the hallway floor.

Cleaned out the bottom of the pantry cos something (either onions or potatoes) were dieing down there.

OK, so maybe I didn't do nothing; failed again!

Nap
I even tried to have a nap this afternoon - having gotten bored with doing nothing (sleep is a good way to pass boring time), but was unsucessful; sleep wouldn't come.

Sliding Doors
Watched Sliding Doors with mum the other night. It made me think of how things could have gone - what would my sliding doors life have been like? Maybe one day I'll have a go at writing a different ending.

Futility
Whilst laying under the doona this afternoon the thought that I could perhaps start exercising crept into my brain. My body has been in a capable state for quite a while now. I have made a few half hearted attempts at starting an exercise regime.

But then the brain kicks in - why bother to exercise - obvious answer ie to be fitter. (Other than gardening I do nothing physical) But why bother being fitter? So I can sit around doing nothing in a more fit state? To prolong my life? So I look better (trim taut and terrific) - but I'm not trying to catch anyones' attention. None of them are things that I want/need.

Analysis
And then the analytical brain kicked in - and came to the realisation as to what is going on here .... it's my self-esteem battering ram yet again.

It all boils down to - I don't care about myself anymore/still.

Hmmmmmm

Hmmm maybe I should have said yes?

Someone just rang asking for Mrs (his surname) ... that's never been my name so I said no .. the person said sorry and hung up. I'm wondering if I should have said yes/explained that I'm his ex-partner.

Wonder why someone would ring *here* after all this time ...?

All I can Say is ..

THANK GOD IT's FRIDAY

I'm having a bourbon, yes, I'm feeling *that* shitty.

I don't know whether it's the stress of being *it* at work and the shennanigans that have been going on, or whether maybe the hormones are finally kicking in and I'm experiencing PMS for the first time in hmmm about 6 years. Or the fact that I haven't gotten around to making an appt with the lawyer, or the reality of my financial situation crashing in on me last night ... maybe it's all of the above? I don't usually swear but tonight I need to say it ...

F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm more hopeful of the first than the second. (Haven't been back to the doc, so am abt 5 weeks late for injection and no period yet). Two days off work should ease the first, wont do anything for the second (other than if I actually get a period).

I'm going to do lots of not-being-at-work for the next two days. I don't know what else ... this bourbon is going down well and there's 3/4 of a bottle of wine in the fridge for when Mum arrives - methinks tonight I'll be having the lions share, which is unusual.

More Murphy

At least I didn't have any car troubles today ... but the installers jackhammer blew up part way through a job.

, can't wait for the boss to get back.

It Was a Murphy Day

I should have realised it was going to be that kind of day ...
The day started out OK until I got back in the car from collecting the mail for work at the post office - car no startee :(

25 minutes late to work and then, an hour later, I'm $$ poorer thanks to having to replace the battery in the car. Oh well, at least it explains the unexplained non-starting of the car for Thunderbolt a couple of times -he was starting to think the car didn't like him cos it always started for me. RAC man said I'd had a good run with the battery as it has lasted nearly 5 years and they generally only last two!

It got worse...

Murphy
Whilst waiting at the post office for the RAC man I decided to open the mail .... I should know by now that when the boss is away that something not great will happen. He's only been gone one day and today was the 'not great' day :( I wont ring and tell him as there is nothing he can do about the situation from where he is, and it will only distract him from what he is doing.

As a result I'm feeling very drained and stressed, not really what I needed - but then ya never really need that do you.

What I've Been Up To

Playing Hide and Seek
Got sunburnt on the weekend thanks to the garden again grrrr (got burnt a week ago 'playing' with the mulch). This time playing hide and seek (them hiding and me seeking) with the sprinklers for two and a half hours on Saturday morning. Thankfully not badly.

Xmas Preparations
Mistyqee and I hung the new 'fairy' lights - icicle type things - across the outside of the loungeroom window. I find it kind of weird that we try to 'create' the sense of snow here in our hot dusty land. But they look good.

Don't shoot me for being one weekend early - it's the only decs we have put up so far.

Shocked the Boss
Have been on the ever-unsucessful hunt for summer skirts. Found a dress at the markets, with Mistyqee, on Sunday. They fitted, were appropriate and only $20.00 each!!!!!!!!! I bought three (two black, one burgundy, all the same).

I think the boss was a little shocked today - it's the first time since I've worked for him that I've ever worn a dress to work (other than the Christmas lunch).

I generally don't like dresses much - wear them once and you have to wash the whole outfit. With a skirt/pant and blouse combo you can wear at least the bottom half again before having to wash it! (Yeah, I know, I'm slack!!)

The dress looked good (must have - the boss commented!), I may even take a pic since me-in-a-dress is pretty rare. In a weird/semi-bad kinda way it reminded me of the way I used to dress before I went into business.

He's off to China tomorrow, so I'm 'it' for a week - I hope nothing major comes up, I really don't feel up to anything at present.

Waiting/Thinking/Thinking
Don't know what to do re the legal matter. Nothing from the other side. Wonder if he is waiting for me to make the next move, even though the ball is in his court.

Maybe he's planning on doing nothing unless/until I persue the Deed issue. Maybe he's waiting for me to take him to court re the caveat, instead of just initiating/following through with his claim? (perhaps that's a cheaper way for him to get his matter to court?). Does he really think I'll just let the caveat sit there ad infinitum? Maybe these things just take time I hate waiting.

The nothingness is frustrating - maybe that's part of his plan too, to just frustrate the hell out of me.

Methinks I'm going to have to throw more money down toilet and have a chat with my lawyer :(

Happy Thanksgiving

Whilst this isn't something we celebrate in Oz, Mistyqee and I did have roast turkey for dinner last night. She cooked it and it was delicious with cranberry and chestnut stuffing.

Queer as Folk

I *think* we started season 5 tonight here in Perth.

Whilst there are many things in it I could talk about, as I sit here afterwards the thing that strikes me the most is how unaffected I was by the break-ups and make-ups that were involved.

I see this as a 'good health' indicator - I can now watch it with emotional unattachment, even though it brings things to mind.

The only content comment I will make tonight is my astonishment at Justins' hypocracy (yeah, I know it's spelled incorrectly - just shoot me!)

Day Off
... was busy, as planned. Some tasks were productive, others weren't :(; I really dislike knowing that certain information is available but being unable to obtain it myself - information that will assist me make a decision. Finally decided to break the bank and ring my lawyer, but they couldn't provide it either (and the suggestions they made were, frankly, unlikely to be sucessful). I was rather surprised they didn't have access to this information as they have a debt collection unit.

Identity Theft
... has hit my family. Thunderbolt went to get his drivers licence only to be told he had to pay his outstanding fine, of $140.00 first. First question - what outstanding fine? Seems somebody gave his name at a train station when caught without a ticket. He has to either get his name cleared, or pay the fine, before he can get his drivers licence. I'm not being a blinkered mom when I say it wasn't him. He has proof from school that he was in class at the time the 'offence' occured. The information he has provided them will be reviewed and a decision made as to whether the fine will be waived/removed.
This has been a bit of a blight on his plans for Leavers Week ... which starts for him on Wednesday :(


Made it This Far
His graduation from High School is tomorrow night.... phew, made it. .. one child made it through the first and second levels of education with child and both parents still alive!

Busy Day Ahead

Another fabled 'day off' tomorrow - which is why I'm up late tonight :)

I think I've really only had one day off this year in which I didn't have to run around to various appointments and stuff .. oh well, that's what they're for really.

One appt with DOLA to find out what I can about the caveat against my house, two appointment with the lady with the scales to see whats what, three appointment with Thunderbolt, a trailer and the councils FREE mulch for the garden, four appointment with Mistyqee and a govt dept, five appointment with Mistyqee and the Falcon for a driving lesson, and maybe her first time on the road!

After all that, *then* I can have my day off LOL

Freecycle

Freecycle

Wow, talk about good timing!

It's Council bulk rubbish pick up soon so I was going through the shed yesterday having a good ol' chuck out.

There were a few things that were too good to put on the verge. I've tried to sell over the last 12 months with no success. I decided that I'd call the Salvos on Monday and have them pick them up - two bikes, a single bed, and electric mower.

Came inside and picked up the paper - voila! there's a write up about freecycle - the 'virtual verge'. You advertise stuff (has to be for free), and people who want it e-mail you. Whilst it's a US based site there are groups for various regions - my city being one of them.

Nothing to lose I thought, so I put the three items up at about 8pm.

Within 30 minutes the mower had been requested 5 times. Withing an hour I also had three requests for the bikes. This morning there are two requests for the bed.

Zoom to now - lunch time the next day, one of the bikes and the mower have already been collected.

This is great! I'm so pleased these items are going to someone who wants/needs them and I have room in my shed again.

You can post to the group asking for stuff as well, but it's recommended that you start by offering items.

The aim of the group is to reduce landfill, so anything that would otherwise go to landfill/the rubbish dump is appropriate; you must offer it for free.

So if you have stuff that's too good to throw out, but that you don't want anymore I can highly recommend freecycle!

The Fair

Mystiqee_Fair_05
Originally uploaded by Ladytreemaker.

We went to the fair. It was good.

I found out when and where to get free mulch from the Council and a free book on growning vege's, written specifically for here in WA.

I bought a small pouch bag (which goes extremely well with the medieval dress I wore) and some smelly soaps (one of my girly weaknesses), and a smelly candle.

Mystiqee bought the necklace in the pic.

Wonderful weather, wonderful comments about our dresses, much relaxation had.

The Fair

Tomorrow is the local area fair, Mystiqee and I will attend as usual.

We will be wearing dresses!! I suggested to her it might be a good opportunity to wear our dresses and she agreed enthusiastically.

Wondering which she will wear - the green or the black?

Must remember to get a pic.

Respect

How can I do something 'out of respect for the relationship' we once had when he shows no respect for that relationship?

More on Crows and Geckos

The avocado-eating crows are clever - they knock some fruit off the tree then come back when they're ripened to eat them (avocados don't ripen on the tree). They've now had about a dozen and I'm thinking I might have to put a stop to it sometime soon.

Saw the gecko again last night, again it was in the bath. Rescued it once again and this time put a small container of water on the top of the high cupboard - hopefully that will stop the forays into the bath.

Mum commented that without it's tail it looks kind of like a push-me-pull-you (out of Dr Doolittle), as other than one end has eyes it's rather tricky to work out which end is which!

Anti-Terrorism Laws

I really should read more about this before I comment, and after watching the news just now I may well do that.

It seems, from what was said, that these new laws (and I think I remember that the old/current laws include it too) have a clause(s) in them that allow people to be held for quite a number of days without the authorities having any compulsion to notify anyone that the person is being held.

Imagine if someone you knew disappeared, unexpectedly .. the worry you'd go through, perhaps thinking the worst has happened to them, and then find out later they were being held by the authorities?

I need to do some reading on this, cos sounds more like what has happened in African and other countries rather than Australia :(

Things I'd Missed

It was interesting going back over the conversation last night, primarily as there were lines of conversation I hadn't seen whilst in the midst of it. Either he was typing at the same time as me (and not looking at the screen until hitting send/return, and therefore seeing what I'd typed) or he was typing and sending at a rather fast rate and I didn't notice the screen jump. Note to self: open the chat window to BIG next time so as not to miss anything.

He is going to see a mutual friend one night this week. Although I doubt that I/him and me will be a topic of conversation I advised that he was no longer trying to be friends with me - primarily so that the friend isn't hoodwinked about how things stand between us.

I think it's good that he is trying to mend that bridge. I hope he turns out to be a better 'friend'/business associate (if that happens) with this person than he has been in the past - I hope he isn't just using them again.

More on the conversation later.

The Gecko Lives :)

Saw the gecko again today - it had gotten into the bath (maybe seeking a drink?) and couldn't get out.

Looks so ungainly with no tail. I helped it out of the bath and put it on top of the high cupboard in the bathroom (am thinking maybe it likes the humidity in there).

Haven't seen it again since then, and it's no longer on top of the cupboard.

More Grey Matter required...

So many things in those last two conversations keep coming back to me.... think I need to spend some time tonight sifting through it and sorting it out; then maybe it will stop being on my mind so much.

It's A Beautiful Day!

Perth Metropolitan Forecast

Wonderful day in Perth today and it's Friday to boot!

The cat did not have gecko al fresco the other week - saw him/her recently, looks so strange without the tail poor thing.

History Repeats ....

It's been a week of history repeating itself, as far as he is concerned at least.

Still Thinks I'm Evil/Devious/Up To Mischief
I mentioned in this post that I'd told him it hadn't been me making phantom calls to his 'gf' back in July (he had made the accusation in comments - now deleted - on the blog when it was active at its old home). He initially said it 'didn't matter anymore'.

Two days later however, he brought the issue up again, asking why I had waited until now to tell him rather than then. I explained it - that there was no way either of them would have believed me then, and he and I hadn't been on speaking terms until just recently either. It was obvious he didn't believe me and that he felt I had some sinister reason for the timing. I think he believes I told him now in an attempt to put V in a bad light/try make him not like her ....

I had meant to mention it the night he came here (cos there was no one else to go to and he needed a friend - his words), but he was in a fragile state that night and the conversation didn't really come around to that kind of stuff; the one time I thought to say it I didn't get to do so and the conversation then moved on to something else.

Did I keep it to myself until now for sinister reason? No; it's a very simple truth (which he admitted) that we have not been on speaking terms since he came to see me at the end of May.

This querying about that matter showed me that he still believes I am devious, sly and cunning and purposely trying to harm his 'relationship' with her.



'Improper' Reasons Behind the Legal Action
I say improper because to me his reasons for the legal action are improper. He confirmed this to me in May when he came and saw me and told me the real reason why he wanted me to just 'hand back' the Deed. I felt almost embarrassed for him when he told me.

On Monday, it seemed to me, he confirmed to me again that his reasons for the legal action (in regards to the property settlement) are not actually based on the details of the property settlement but are to do with his relationship with V and, what he perceives as, my 'meddling' in their relationship.

What makes me say this? After having told me for many months now that he has no money, he made an offer (mentioned in the post below this one you're reading ) that didn't involve me paying him money, didn't involve me handing over certain assets, but did involve him making repayments to me if I did 'somethings' and would sign a confidentiality/non-disclosure agreement.

The only things in that I can think he would have been talking about are me taking down the blog/not posting, not initiating contact with her (which I haven't done in gawd knows how long), not answer her questions if she should contact me (which is generally what has happened moreso than me initiating contact with her) .. and not tell her that I had made such an agreement with him and perhaps even not allowed to tell anyone that he was making repayments again.

My reply was very simple - "you've said you can't make the repayments so that doesn't make any sense..."

I'd be a fool to accept that kind of offer - a promise of payments when all he has done for about 12 months is tell me that he hasn't any money? Yeah riiiighhhtt - I saw it as simply putting myself under his control and most likely still not receive any payments!

This, and the conversation we had on Tuesday night, which didn't touch on either the Deed or property settlement issues, but continued on in the vein of why do I write the blog, how could I do such a thing? confirmed to me that the reason for the legal action is his way of getting back at me ie is not really about 'unfairness' of the property settlement or the Deed in or of themselves.

Separating Personal and Business
He cannot separate personal issues and business issues. He tried to say that to me the web site and personal issues are all related to the Deed and the settlement, that I had them all intertwined and couldn't separate them out but, in response to me saying it was him who seemed to think they were all related, he said for him they are not .. one is personal and the other is business.

If that is true though, why is it that he stopped making payments under the Deed immediately after he and she had a(nother) big fight, both came to see me, asked me questions/for information about personal issues ("If he asked would you have him back?" "Please take the blog down"). It seems to me that it is he who brings the two (personal and business) together - uses one (the Deed - business) to 'get back at me' for perceived damage I have caused in regards to the other (his/our - I mean the three of us - interactions -ie personal).

Same Old Conversations
So much of it was just the same old things over again ... him asking me the same questions that he has asked, and I've answered, for the whole of the preceeding three years. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't interested in having those old conversations for the umpteenth time.

I tried to explain it by telling him that I saw no point in answering questions again, that I have answered in the past, as it was obvious that regardless of what I said to him he continued to think of me/my motives the same way he has for the last two+ years. That I had realised it didn't matter what I said that he would never change his mind about me, but that he still seemed to be trying to change my mind about him/her/my motives etc. He wants to hear me say that I post for mischievious reasons - but I wont say that because it isn't true!

Of Course It's All The Blogs' Fault
And throughout the last conversation it kept coming back to the blog - why do I have a blog, why not a paper diary, that I only post purposely to cause mischief for him ... same ol' same ol'

My Adherence to What's Right
Of course my strong sense and need to do what is 'right' is a big problem for him. To quote:

"I just think that you will alwys do what you think is right at any cost even if
it casues problems for other people and requests for change are ignored
becasue you thin you are right."

I said that requests for changes were not made when I thought that the request was wrong (ie that the request should not even have been made) or made for the wrong reason (which, to my mind, has been the case almost all the time with him), and that I knew that what I think of as 'right' is different to what others think of as being 'right'.

In Denial About His Behaviour
He stated that he hadn't lied to me since he had left - when I replied with one example he sked was that all? ... I didn't have the time, nor inclination, to ennumerate them all. He does not see that it his own behaviour that has caused his problems - trying to paint a picture of being trustworthy (to a certain person) when that is precisely what he wasn't being!

I did think briefly whether I was doing the same thing - but with all the self-analysis and discussions with close ones that I've had I really don't think I'm in denial about my own actions/motives; I don't think I have anything to be in denial about.

He denied that he has tried to control me. A classic example of him trying to control me is when he lied to me in May to make me feel sorry for him - words from his very own mouth!


Tooooo Many Movies for Him!
I almost gagged at his ending messages (this was in MSN) - he said he is like Luke (ie Starwars) who still believes there is good in me, that he will go quietly into the night, that he still believes in light and hope, and that it doesn't come too late for me ... but I was a Good Girl (TM) and didn't make any facetious remarks.

How sad, that he doesn't realise that life is not like the movies. It's a bit strange that he'd quote that kind of movie really 'cos he always liked the non-typical movies, like Arlington Street, in which the good people all die and the baddie gets away ....

And of Course...
he said he wouldn't 'bother' me anymore, apologised for contacting me, that he wont be back again.

How many times have I heard that before - too many times to ever believe that it's true.

Where To Now St Peter? (to quote a song)
He said he's not going to fight me about the Deed - I replied that was a wise decision (because he has no legal leg to stand on), and later that he would let the judge decide the other matter.

Yet just two weeks ago he said that after the last lot of money he deposited in his lawyers trust fund that there was 'no more' ... meaning no more money available for legal fees; so how is it that he is going to take this to the Supreme Court? Where will he get $15K from? Their Counsels' opinion was that the matter could go either way (which tells me they do not have as strong a case as he intimated to me recently(, whereas my Counsels' opinion was that he has no basis for a claim.

So is he going to risk $15K that he hasn't got, and very well end up having to pay my costs too (this isn't Family Court where each party pays their own costs)?

Possibly he will, just for the frustration and financial burden it will cause me.

A Rather Productive Day...

My belated day off was quite a good one, busy as it was (and as they usually are since I have to do all the running around that I can't do being employed full-time).

Yes, no lazy day off this time, heaps of running around to do, as well as washing and ironing (bad thing about warm weather is that my warm weather clothes are of the type that need to be ironed gahhh)

Thunderbolt got some driving time in; less than 9 hours to go of the 25 hour log book now.


Losing My Mind
I seem to be good at forgetting appointments lately :( have missed two in four days :(
The doctors' receptionist made me feel so bad that I haven't yet rebooked an appointment - this is not particularly good as there are some tests I need done and I need a jab.

She made me feel so bad that I'm thinking of changing doctors (although I don't really want to do that). Yes, it was my fault that when my RDO was bumped that I forgot to cancel/change my appointment, but sheeesh

The other appointment wasn't as crucial - Qetesh needs annual vaccination, have rebooked that one for Saturday.

Flea Update
The house has been bombed and everything in sight washed and vaccumed. Flea numbers on Qetesh last night were NIL!!!!!!!!!! Maybe (cross your fingers for me) the major part of the fight is won. I know, have to watch for the eggs hatching though YUK!!!!!!!!

Legal Update
The other side have also gotten a Counsels Opinion. He has an appt with his lawyer tomorrow. I'm not hopeful that it will be commensurate with the opinion my side received as it appears to me there is a major matter of fact that he doesn't realise is as important as it is. Methinks his lawyer has perhaps missed it as well (whether purposely or not, unknown). If that is the case then the right info won't have been passed onto the Counsel and the opinion will be in his favour and he will think once again that I'm the one being nasty and stubborn.

Made noises today about a settlement that would include me receiving monies but in return for me doing 'somethings' (unstated) and confidential/non-disclosure ... which to me points in only one direction; a direction I don't know whether I'm willing to go (as it probably involves deception/secrets). I told him if he had an offer to make he should do so via his lawyer.

Got part way through writing him an e-mail tonight, things I want him to know ... how I haven't been doing the 'nasty'/hardball things my lawyer advised me to do and other such stuff, that I've met my responsibilities and I simply want him to meet his. I guess I want him to know that I have been 'kinder' than I have needed to be throughout this; I don't think he realises that (he just seems to do what his lawyer tells him, eg leaving the caveat on my house was the lawyers idea). I didn't send it.

He retold me how bad he is feeling about her having rejected him, then of course said he shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff with me.

Verdict - legal stuff=wait and see, still/again.

Comparison

I find it quite odd (and a few other adjectives as well) that she compares herself to me...

He told me that he had her help with the business at times, and that she would comment that I was better than her at that, that she didn't do it as well as I had done.

Weird.

Note to self: She reads/used to read the blog (ie the old one) when she was at his place so that I wouldn't know that she was reading it!

I Could Stop Reading Relationship Columns..

..and perhaps I should, 'cos quite often it just shows me the differences between their relationship and how ours used to be.

Todays' is a prime example... Sunday Times 23/10/05 - 10 Key Factors in a healthy relationship:

1 shared values
Values are your beliefs defining what you deem to be ethical and morally acceptable behaviour, including the importance you place on honesty, trustworthiness, fidelity, integrity, work ethic, religious beliefs and the meaning of family.

2 commitment versus love
People in healthy relationships know the difference between love
and commitment. They know that love ebbs and flows. Instead of love there can be "not love", even hate, anger, resentment or boredom. Love can get buried
and be temporarily inaccessible. These people know this doesn't mean anything significant or spell the end. Couples capable of understanding this know the love beneath will eventually come back.

This one really gets to me because we purposely didn't base our relationship on 'love'. Problem was in the end I was committed but he wasn't.

3 shared interests
These create companionship. They can be a passion for anything from camping, movies or travel to stamp collecting. They're what one person would do if they were alone, but that person feels more enriched by having someone to share it with.

Yup, definately had that.

4 fight fair
Conflict indicates that both parties are willing to stick up for their point of view. "Communication breakdown" usually means an inability to resolve conflict. In healthy relationships couples know how to stick to the issue with the intention of getting it resolved instead of sticking to the argument with the intention of punishing the person committing the "crime".

Whilst we didn't necessarily do really well on this one I think we did better than they ever did.

5 shared goals
Healthy couples discuss their relationship. They know beforehand each other's opinion on lifestyle, whether to have children, how much money they'll need, how they'll invest that money. These goals can be fluid and change as they change. They have a mutual goal: sharing the journey towards an agreed-upon destination.

We had this.

6 being themselves
Successful couples decide that whatever negative characteristics the other encompasses, these are acceptable. They're willing to compromise on what's missing for the more important qualities they do have. Bliss is being honoured for who you are.

This one is huge. He said to me just the other week that he can't be who he is with her, that he has to be someone else. I've known that from almost the start. It wasn't that way here.

7 best friends
In strong relationships there is no secret, vulnerability or fear that can't be expressed safely and met with understanding. Best friends would rather know the truth about the impact they are having on each other, even if it stings and calls for change. Best friends not only love each other but defend, protect, and are loyal to each other. To accept each other, they don't need to agree.

8 sexuality
Many couples enjoyed "chandelier sex" when they first got together. But in time, other subtleties and enrichments get added or subtracted. No matter the frequency, positions or passion, healthy couples communicate, and accommodate each other as much as possible.

9 compromise versus prostitution
People in successful relationships are willing to compromise. But they also know themselves well enough to know the line beyond which they will refuse to participate in anything that forces them to prostitute themselves.

Maybe I go too far in the compromise stakes, but in their relationship that is most definately true - he has to do all the compromising, which isn't really compromising is it (when the other party never compromises).

10 radiating ease
Healthy couples make you feel at ease. Their inner wellbeing transmits a sense of sanity, safety and maturity. Visualise a relationship that embraces these qualities.
Healthy role models are an invaluable guide.

We definately radiated 'ease'. I can't speak for them, well not when they were 'stable', maybe because 'stable' never lasted very long.

"This is an edited extract from How To Snap Out Of It! A User's Guide To Getting Unstuck by Toby Green ? Penguin 2005"

Copyright Sunday Times

A Rather Busy Day

I've had a busy day ...Did the grocery shopping, at which I bought some flea bombs for the house.

Set off the flea bombs and headed off to my friends' house to do his books. In his moving of computers the data file had gone missing so I had to come back home, duck the flea bomb gas and get a copy of the file then return.

Spent about 4 hours doing his books and was quite pleased with the amount I got done - it was three months worth of data entry and bookkeeping. Almost finished it, probably about an hour at the most before it will be finished.

Then came home and had to open up the house to air it well before my mum returned, as she suffers from allergies and currently has a lung infection and I didn't want to make it worse than it already is by fumigating her as well as the house.

As I type my bedsheets are in the washing machine and my bed freshly made (again).

The house does smell, but it isn't too bad and isn't a terribly unpleasant smell at least.

'Him' stuff under the cut ...

Have been thinking about his situation, and it really isn't quite as bad as when he left me, for two reasons:
1. At least she seems happy. When he left me he wasn't happy, I know cos he would tell me.
2. They're not living together, so he doesn't have to see the object of his desire in his face every day.

hmm I think I may have typed that stuff before, oh well.


Told him this morning that it wasn't me making the 'phantom' phone calls to his gf back in July when he implied I was doing so.


He/she still visiting the old blog reasonably regularly.

Fleas :(

The cat was infested with fleas, now the house has them :(

I can see I will be spending all weekend doing a stupid amount of cleaning :(

It's Working!!

Off Topic Stuff First...
One hour round trip to the office cos something went wrong and the alarm never got set tonight ... oh well.

The Code The Code, It's Working!!
Well, in a manner of speaking ...

When a post is first published the entire post is showing (which it isn't meant to do). If I then click on the read more link, then on the hide post link it then displays as it should do.

Better than nothing!

Grrr Bloody Code!!!!!!!!

Bah and grrrrrr I can't get this damn expandable posts code to work :(

Some thoughts about his situation have occured to me. His situation is better than mine was because:

1. They aren't living together, so he doesn't have it 'in his face' every hour/day that she is 'rejecting' him.

2. He said she seems happy without him. He used to say to me that if I truly loved him that I would be happy to see him happy ... the only problem with that was that he was so very obviously not happy after he left; but she is happier without him (at least on the outside), he at least has that.

Trying Trying

Yes I know, I'm very trying

ok lets try over here

Let's Try This Again

OK I'm trying the template change again, where I can do a 'read more' thing... sooo

this should not be visible unless you clicked!

Crows and Geckos

Had a frustrating time last night with CSS and trying to add the 'Read more..' thing to my posts since some of them are long, so I didn't get to post the following tidbits...

Crows Cuisine
Who'd have thunk it? Crows like avocados. I know cos I've watched them take two off my tree and they come back every couple of days to continue eating them. I don't mind as long as they don't start taking off more fruit than they are eating.

Gecko
I discovered a gecko in my house just over a week ago (this is a good thing), but I don't know what shape he/she is now in.

Reason being I found the Qetesh eating a gecko's dismembered (and still flicking) tail on the stair over the weekend. Am hoping the rest of the gecko is still intact, haven't seen it though :(

Silly Road Signs

Seen on the way home from work..

"No lines, do not overtake unless when safe"

So does this mean that once the lines get marked we can overtake when it's not safe?

Hmmmm It's Not Working

Trying it around the other way now
You shouldn't see this unless you had to click..

I need some CSS help :(

Quizz Thing - A Guardian Angel Watches Over Me

I'm trying out 'expandable' posts ... hopefully this means you don't have to wait for the big pic to load before you see the blog, and only have to see it if you click on the 'Continue reading' link.

Here goes:

A guardian angel watches over you. You are kind,
sweet, and generous. You put others before
yourself and you never let anyone get left
behind. You may be a bit shy at times. When
you are around your friends though, you are fun
and exciting! When you are comfortable you are
able to open up. It's when you are somewhere
unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or around those you
are not familiar with that you are shy. You're
caring and above all loving. You're guardian
angel keeps good watch over you and is always
protecting you.

What the Stars Say

In this weekends' astrology column (excerpts from the article in italics with commentary from yours truly):

This is the week of a full moon eclipse. Full moons on their own are often about letting go and moving on. With the full moon eclipse, we are sometimes forced to let go, especially if we've become attached to something that's not right for us.

My immediate thought is how strongly this relates to him and his situation with her.

Eclipses can mark the time when we get shunted back on the right track - whether we like it or not! Toxic situations are detonated out of our lives. It's not always pretty.

Toxic is certainly a word I associate with their relationship. Getting 'shunted back on the right track" - I don't know what that is for him (I don't think he does either).

If you're in a mess, this week's full moon eclipse could help you clean up and get out. Having the intention to sort yourself out is the first step. Meanwhile, if you've already partly moved on, this is a good week for proper closure.

He is certainly in a mess, I know 'cos I saw this week just gone. They've 'moved on' in part by not being together for the last six months (if that's true).

No matter when you were born, if you're going through a difficult time, seek out comfort from people who love you, and try to look for a bright side to any problems.

Hmmm not sure how this applies - it was me from whom he sought 'comfort'.

As mentioned recently, the benefits of eclipses are sometimes wonderfully immediate, and at other times they're not apparent for months (in fact at the time they can feel like hardship). They do eventually become blindingly clear, though.

He definately feels like he's in hardship at present. He doesn't see any benefits at the moment; to me, well at least he can be himself now, not have to be someone he's not just to please her.

Some of the planetary alignments this week are connected to as far back as April 2002 (and up to six months afterwards). If you're suffering this week, ask your soul to surrender to God/the Universe/destiny. Raging against reality causes us pain.

It has seemed to me (in the past at least) that he has been 'raging against reality'. April 2002 hmmmm ... they started getting friendly in May/June that year, and in October that year (6 months after April) is when he said he was leaving me.


Post Immediate Response
My immediate response when reading the column was how aptly it applied to him/him and her, but later in the day I started to think about whether/how it might also apply to me/me and him.

Letting go and moving on from things that aren't right for me certainly seems to apply.

Toxic? I don't think of 'him and me' that way; but maybe I should.

In a mess/sorting yourself out. I don't consider myelf to be in a mess; haven't done for quite a long time. Yes there are frustrations, but I'm not a mess. I certainly have been trying to sort myself out though and feel I have partly already moved on.

In difficulty/seek comfort/look at the bright side - I did find a bright side to the conversation with him the other night (saved myself some lawyer fees), I do seek counsel/comfort of those who love me. I am in a difficult situation (he comes to me for comfort/support even though there are legal issued between us), the quandry about being party to the deception.

Benefits - can see some yes, but also downsides.

Timing - April 2002? I don't think that's when his change in feelings towards me started, I believe, from things he said prior to that time, that they had changed quite some time prior to that. It does encompass the time we parted though.

Prologue
The full moon eclipse affects everyone - it's not just one particular sign that is affected, so yes it does apply to both of us. In analysis I think it is more applicable to his situation than mine.

It may be an interesting week. The eclipse is tomorrow night.

What is Purient Interest?

This was going to be a response to a comment, but it got long so I'm posting it instead.

First, I have to ask the meaning of 'purient interest'? Looking in the dictionary it seems to relate to purity, but I somehow doubt that's what was meant?

Yes he still seems connected to me - else why is it me that is 'the only person' he feels he can come to in his moments of most desperate need?

Untrustworthy? I have to say yes - as I related in the post below this he admitted that he lied to me that prior time we met, in order to manipulate me/my feelings - how could I not think he is untrustworthy? Yet this is the eact opposite of what he is trying to demonstrate to her - it's no wonder to me that that is a losing battle; he doesn't see it that way though (that he has continued to prove his untrustworthiness).

I would prefer to not meet with him here at my house, but I'm not allowed to know where he lives (I guess he fears I will send the bailiff if I know his address), and the things we talk about aren't really suitable for a public place. By the time he calls me he is usually very close by, physically. Meeting at my house makes an 'escape route' rather difficult - mind you I do believe that if I asked him to leave he would do so.

A part of the prob is that I don't know whether I want to be connected to him; I am very ambivalent (which doesn't mean 'couldn't care', but 'can't decide') on that matter; it's a very complex question for me. So many things about it are scarey, but there still seems to be a part of me that wants to keep that connection alive :(

The reasons I think he reads the blog:
* to see what/whether I have written about him/them
* to see what I've written on the above so as to prepare for the excrement that will hit the fan when she has read it and how he can 'work around' that
* just to find out how I am (he said once, long ago, that even if I wasn't in his life in any shape or form that he would still need to know how I was)
* to get a glimpse of the life he once had, and misses
* maybe to try work out whether 'enough water has passed under the bridge' yet?
* to see what impact his actions are having on me (and when I think of that I mean him wanting to 'hurt' me - eg via the legal action)


Do I care that he reads it? I don't have a need for him to read it, I don't write it so that it is here for him to read. I think the only way in which I 'care' whether he reads it is in regards to any backlash that I may suffer as a result (which has happened quite a number of times). I don't particular 'care' whether reading it makes him feel any particular way, cos I don't write it with that intent. I would think that if I 'cared' about the fact that he reads it that I would be more 'careful' about what I write here; but I'm not.

Yes there are things that have not been written (in the old blog) specifically because I know that he (and she) reads it - they've been hidden elsewhere as I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of reading about some of the negative impacts his actions were having on me (pictures in my mind of him sitting there reading and gleefully grinning about the 'misfortunes'/troubles/frustrations he has caused me), and information that could have been 'useful' to him (in both a strategic and purely informational sense) in relation to the legal action.


The 'being party to the deception' issue at the bottom of the 'Curve Ball' post is still bothering me :(

Test?

He's checked the blog (going to the old one) twice since we met .... he had been visiting prior to that too.

I wonder whether he is checking it to see if I have written about our meeting, and if so, for what reason?

Is it a 'test' - when he said to me in May that he'd wanted to come and see me he also said he hadn't 'cos he knew I'd write about it in my blog and that, therefore, she would know about it (and that would cause problems).

I want no part of his 'test', I'm not interested in games.

Interesting that he implied he has no interest in what I write, yet he goes to the blog frequently.

Ah Me, Ah My ... Was This The Curve Ball?

(Yes, it's about him. If you're sick of it just click away now or read the posts below this one)

Feels as though I've done nothing than just put myself up for another fall...

why do I let myself keep doing this?

Because I can't kick someone when they're down. I guess that makes me a good person.

Yes, that means I allowed him to come here and talk with me last night.

I had such mixed emotions when I received the request, then, as is often the case, before I'd been able to decide there was another message, then shortly after that a call ... he was at the corner shop, one block away.

He is exactly where I was when he left me; I couldn't turn him away because I know what a bad and dangerous place that is. He described precisely the way I felt, no enjoyment in doing anything, not able to sit still, can only think about one thing, has lost a lot of weight (which unnamed others have inferred is because of me).

A lot of it was the same old stuff over again, how their relationship is so unbalanced (in her favour) and unfair (on him), and that the insecurity issue is still there and basically behind the thing she does and says, despite 'all' the things he has done. How he did and said a lot of things (to me) simply to appease her/because it was what she said he should do (to show her that he doesn't love me anymore/that she is more important to him than me). That he made so many changes and it was still not enough. That in the end it had all been for nothing.

That to be with her means he cannot be himself. That she makes demands of him, but he is not allowed to make demands of her in return. He has to be other than who is for her to be happy.

That how could a person make certain promises and not keep them, say things and then say that doesn't apply anymore, I don't feel that way anymore. But then that he knows 'how that can be' because that is exactly what he did to me.

That he thinks there must be something wrong with him.

That what goes around really goes around. That this is his karma for having left me.

That the traits he had and had thought were good traits to have, have led him to nothing.

That she just wants to be friends, she wants to go out with other people, and encourages him to go out with other people ... exactly what he said to me back then. But he doesn't want to be just friends.

He talked of the 'Disease to Please'

I gave him none of the platitudes he gave to me - the "you'll be fine, you're strong, time heals all wounds, it'll get easier" things ... because I know they mean nothing. There is nothing that can be said to a person in that position that will make them feel 'better', or even just that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I know.

It was strange and very de ja vu-ish to hear a lot of those words; exact same things I had thought and felt.

Same Ol' Same Ol' Though
He told me that he had lied to me when he last came to see me. Told me he had had to sell some of his most treasured possessions due to his financial situation, to make me feel bad for him, to make me do the thing that he wanted me to do. He said he was sorry he lied to me.

He said that she would be furious if she knew he was here with me. This, even though they've not been together as a couple for six months.

I explained to him why it is that his coming to me makes me feel used - particularly when I asked why it is me that he had come to. He said it was me because he had been so much at peace in the time we were together, so confident, knew where he was going, and that that it why it is me that he comes to. I pointed out that his statement just made me feel even moreso that I was being used, especially because whenever I happened to contact him I either get ignored or verbally abused. He said that it wasn't his intent but that he understood.

I raised the issue of the legal matter (which is continuing) and although he said he didn't want to talk about it (because he didn't want to fight) he did tell me what 'his side' is doing - saved me a phone call to my lawyer, a letter to his lawyer and my lawyer reading their reply; I should be thankful for that much I guess.

Perhaps it was the admission of the lies that made me think, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, that this is just the same old thing over again; that at some point in the future he will say he shouldn't have come and seen me, shouldn't have said/told me the things he did, that it was wrong of him to come here, that he didn't mean the things he said. And that, despite him saying he would try not to leave it so long until next time (he came to see me), that it will in fact be just the same as before.

I was trembling badly whilst he was here, I don't know what it was .. it wasn't anger. Perhaps it was frustration, or maybe the inner conflict between the 'not being able to kick a man when he's down' and the not wanting to put myself up to be hurt/used again.

I messaged him this morning and he replied, I guess that is one step in the right direction.

Quandry ...
I don't want to be his dirty little secret, I think it's wrong that he should hide that from her (there's a previous post about this back in June I think), because it's exactly what she fears he will do, and although he says he has changed so much for her I have to think 'have you really'? You still want to come and see me behind her back ... doesn't that show that she cannot trust you?

Yes I think it's wrong on her part to make that 'rule' for him .... but he is well aware of it, and has promised her in the past (many times) that he would honour it.

Neither of them appear to have found the blogs' new home - they're still visiting the old blogs home (posts up until I moved it are still there).

If I place this post at the blogs' old home I'm sure he will believe I have done it just to make mischief just to make her angry at him, because I do know that it will upset her to hear that he has been to see me.

Doing so will most likely bring his wrath down upon me once again, and if this was the beginning of maybe thinking about rebuilding a bridge then I'm fairly sure that doing so will wipe that out entirely.

But on the other hand his actions (coming to see me, wanting ot be friends with me) are not in line with the message he is trying to send her (ie that he is trustworthy), and that is deception.

Deception is how it all started, and, I believe (and, from what he said, he agrees), the root of the main issue (her insecurity/lack of trust).

I don't like deception. She doesn't like deception.

By not saying anything I am party to the deception.

Ah me, ah my.

The School Ball

T_Mball2005
Originally uploaded by Ladytreemaker.

The school ball was back in May, but I hadn't posted a pic yet of my offspring all dressed up, so here 'tis.

(I need to learn how to make graphics smaller without losing so much quality)

Be Warned ...

I feel a rant coming on ...

But first I will be a Good Girl (TM) and finish banishing the shite from/tidying the kitchen counter.

Nighty Night

This interesting tidbit found before bed...

"This is, overall, a week to tread quite carefully in all your relationships, because in addition to the Juno/Pluto factor, there's a tough link from Venus to Uranus, which suggests the possibility of some romantic surprises, not all of them welcome. Once again, those worst hit will be those trying to control someone, to limit their freedom and/or tie them down.

Venus "square" Uranus, which is the link forming now, depicts someone trying to break free from a romantic association which feels restrictive. It's about radical love turnarounds and unconventional relationship arrangements which may suit one partner more than the other."

Out of the Rough

(No, I'm not a golfer...)

It feels as though I'm in a patch of 'smoothness', evenness, on a straight road at the moment.

I wonder what curve ball is headed my way; there's sure to be one.

Big News of The Day

There are now two learner drivers in the family.

Mistyqee took and passed her learners drivers test today!1

These kids are growing up waaaayyyy too fast.

Just Jeans Just Aint Me No More!

During my week off I decided - spurred on by an unexpected bonus from the tax man - to purchase a replacement pair of jeans; I'd been thinking for a while that my current pair needed replacing anyway, but the extra refund monies definately decided the point.

Those of you who have read my blog for quite a while will know that buying clothes is not something I enjoy doing as I rarely find anything that fits; but not so with jeans.

For the last, ohhh, about 10 years I have been wearing the same style jeans, and buying new ones has been a cinch - walk into the store and say I'll have another pair of these (pointing to the ones I'm wearing) thanks. The only thing that has changed over the years is the size (I could even buy them when I was hellish/anorexically thin.

So in I walk, full of confidence of walking out with a new pair of jeans..... until she says "Oh, we don't make them anymore, we've revamped our range."

WHAT!!!!!!!! Oh shite, this means I have to *choose* jeans .... gak.

The only stretch denims with a 'high waist' (ie a normal waist) were some stripy denim things - I didn't like them.

So I walked out with 'rigid' denim - that's old fashioned denim, like they used to be like when I was a kid - jeans. At least they are 'high waisted' and are all the same colour (I don't go for the jeans that look like you've already washed them for 5 years either).

I'm finding them rather uncomfortable :(. I haven't decided yet whether to take them back. The problem is that if I do that then I'll have to *choose* again.

Sounds like time to try a new jeans store methinks. Damn, there goes the one piece of clothes I could buy without trauma.

Oh No, Not R.aja's :(

I feel so sad for the people of Bali; they were just getting back to how it used to be.

They're so dependant on tourism for their survival - the 'little' people are mostly who I think about, they are the ones who will be hurt the most.

We used to go to R.aja's restaurant frequently when we were there, they did great satay.

When will the madness end?

Introducing Nora

I finished the Gown of Doom!!! Here it is being worn by our new family member Nora, the dressmaking dummy.

I'm very pleased with how it turned out, never having tried to make this type of dress before.

The assistance of the Marzie as cutter-outerer, overlockerer and for general advice was much appreciated.

Mistyqee, for whom the gown was made, absolutely loves it, says that with those sleeves she feels as if she could just float or fly away.

Now to find somewhere/something to which she can wear it.

Think I'll take a break before I make the purple one.

Bye bye holidays.

Grumble ...

Flipping through last weeks' TV guide yesterday I realised I've missed the first episode of this, the last season, of Queer as Folk.


GAAAHHHHHHHH.

I will not miss it this week!

Way to go Thunderbolt!

Thunderbolt passed his Stage 1 drivers test!!!

I'm so pleased for him. Had prepared him to perhaps not pass the first time, as it seems that many teenagers don't get passed on their first test (personally I've wondered if it's part of trying to reduce the accident rate, particularly for young men).

As it is still school holidays he will be trying to get as many of his 25 hours of log-book driving done in the next week so that he can take his Stage 2 test as soon as possible. Methinks this is so that he will be able to drive (without needing a supervisor) by the time Leavers comes around (which is just over a month away I think).

And so begins a whole new lot of worrying for a mother. Seems to me you never stop worrying about your kids - you just get new/different things to worry about!

But I am really pleased for him :)

New Member of the Family
I 'lashed out' today too - a lashing out of the money kind.

I bought a dressmaking dummy. The hem on the Gown of Doom was giving me the heebee jeebies. It's huge and poor Mistyqee couldn't stand still long enough for me to get the darn thing pinned up straight.

We've named her Nora (combination of my and Mistyqee's names). Thunderbolt is concerned he'll forget about her and get spooked in the night if he catches sight of her out of the corner of his eye.

The hem is now pinned, now I just have to cut off the swathe of excess material, re overlock the edge and sew it up. Then that leaves just the neckline to be done and it will be finished!!

Moving House (Well the Blog is....)

I was wondering why a couple of posts weren't showing up. Wondering, that is, until I tried to upload some pics tonight and they wouldn't .....

Ran out of space again, so my blog has moved.

Please let me know (e-mail) if you want the new address .

I've Been Busy..

The time off is almost over.

I got a fair bit of gardening done whilst the weather was fine.

When the weather turned sour I had a busy Tuesday - movies/Centrelink/Mums' birthday (she loved the helicopter ride gift voucher!) etc.

I can see the top of my desk and somewhat more of my kitchen bench than a week ago.

On Wednesday I resumed playing with the following:


















And ended up (after mucho hours) with this (almost finished, but not quite):

Birthday Time Again

It's my mums' birthday tomorrow, she will be 70.

It's hard to think of her and that age.

I've bought her a special and unusual present, I hope she likes it.

Tomorrow will be a busy day:
* Grocery shopping - cos I'm on hols and didn't *have* to do it on Saturday
* Movies - Wallace and Grommit with Mistyqee and Thunderbolt
* Try pick up mums' present
* Thunderbolt to go driving with his dad (he has a drivers test booked for Saturday!!)
* Get to the fabric shop to check the trimmings for the Gown of Doom I am attempting to make.
* Centrelink visit with Mistyqee (must remember to take something with which to amuse myself whilst waiting... oh hang on, Mistyqee will be with me!)
* Be home in time for when mum and entourage arrive
* Get ready and ..
* Go to dinner

All I can say is thank goodness I'm on holidays!

In Other News
In the words of War of the Worlds ... '... and still they come'.

I'm Armless

Methinks I will be armless tomorrow - as a result of much forking done on the lawn today (more details in my garden journal - there's a link over there on the left hand side).

I think next year I'll invest in a pair of those shoes with spikes on the bottom and dance my way around; it's gotta be easier than what I did today. (Hmmm an item for the Christmas wish list maybe)

My arms are already feeling weary, I'm not looking forward to them tomorrow.

Blog Change
Yay me! Have had the 'comments in a pop up window' item selected for a while now but it just hasn't seemed to be doing it (yes, republished the blog after changing the setting).

Today found the solution in the help file on blogger and after hand editing the html of the template I now have comments in a pop up window :)

Due to spam I've also added the comment verification thingy - sorry if you find it a pain, c'est la vie.

The Other Question About Self-Analysis
Earlier in the week I got to thinking about why I self-analyse so much, and it got some more grey-matter attention yesterday whilst weeding.

I don't think I've always been like this.

It seems to me there are a couple of reasons for it (probably obvious to others):
* The poor way in which I have 'coped' (read: not coped) with the events of nearly three years.
* The accusations flung at me as to my motivations for doing things (eg this blog).
* Work out how to not end up in the same situation again.

I have to stop typing, my arms are really weary.

More on Friends...

Whilst sitting in the sun today (aka weeding the lawn) my mind wandered around the Friends issue, and a dose of some more self-analysis.

About Me
I wondered and wandered down the road of 'am I like that?' and quickly came to the conclusion that I'm not. I don't just see/talk to my friends to bemoan my present/past circumstance; we talk about all kinds of stuff, sometimes I'm an ear for their trials and tribulations, sometimes they're an ear for mine. We ask each other opinions regarding each others' circumstances. No, I am not like that.

About That Friendship
My mind also meandered down the line of thought of 'could I be friends with that person/a person who has been like that again?'.

The answer was yes (though there would have to be a 're-balancing' of give and take).

Which made me wonder whether the other person would want to do that.

And I think the answer is yes. Is this just my ego/some kind of self-inflated view of myself saying that?

No.

It has been stated on quite a number of occassions that my friendship is/has been wanted, and not just the kind of 'friendship' (and I use the term loosely here) that it has been. That has not been possible, or acted upon (by the other party), for one reason.

So, could we be friends again? Yes.

The next big question is, of course, do I want to be friends again? Now there's a question...

On Self Analysis
And whilst weeding away, feeling the warmth of the sun on my back, self-analysing as I bottomed my way around the lawn, I came to think:

"What has all this navel-gazing gotten me; is it helping me?"

In some ways the answer is no-where. In other ways the answer is some-where.

I am more aware of what kind of person I am. I am more aware of what I value.

I also know that these things, whilst often my greatest strengths, can be my greatest downfalls/dangers to my own well-being.

I am more aware of not allowing anothers' needs to inappropriately subsume mine.

This is a good thing for my well-being.

Does it mean I have changed a lot? No. This is the reason for which I sometimes berate myself/feel I have not progressed much; sometimes feel that with the knowledge of who I am, and that this can lead to bad things, that maybe I should change.

Which lead me back to a thought I typed quite a long time ago ... 'but how do you change who you are?'

I am the kind of person I am, and my analysis still leads me to believe that who I am is not a 'bad' person. What I need to be keenly aware of is that I don't allow that to make me vulnerable to being abused (read: 'used'). (I seem to remember typing that quite a long time ago too. That doesn't bother me, to have taken so long and come to the same conclusion)

That means I live my life very 'quietly'; don't mix much, keep to 'safe' people. There are worse things in life...

Hmmm... still back at the 'it's too dangerous to let the real me out' stage it would seem. Maybe that's one reason some people join a nunnery/convent, maybe that's one reason people become recluses.

Is it right? Is it wrong? ... I don't know; it's just how it is.

Oh well.


Another entirely different question is why I self-analyse so much. But I'll leave that for another post.

Reasons to Celebrate

1. It's Friday.

2. I'm on holidays for a week (even so, with the events of today I won't be surprised if I get a 'help' call from the boss).

I even had a bourbon :)

Friends in Need

This really struck a chord with me ..

"High maintenance people often have unrealistic expectations of what a friendship should be. The dynamic is usually unbalanced with the high maintenance friend getting all their needs and wants met - and you getting nothing in return." (from The Sunday Times 18 September 2005).

I have felt that this is what has been happening in my relationship with a certain person.

At times when I am feeling that way I often stop myself and think .. but if they are a friend shouldn't I be giving them my support when they need it? The answer is, of course, yes. But the thing that stops me from berating myself for having been a bad friend is that I have not been getting anything back from the relationship - just being asked to give and give and give (or at least, that's how it feels to me).

Friendships, I think, are a two way street, aren't they?

And then I think 'but surely that is selfish", you don't be someone's friend (or do a good deed) because of what you will get back/in the expectation of getting something back.... that doesn't seem the right way to go about things to me, (in a business relationship/association then yes, probably; but not in a personal relationship) .... and so sometimes I do end up berating myself for not having been a good friend, for having (eventually) withdrawn support.

I end up thinking I must be a bad person if that's the way I view a friendship (ie viewing a friendship from the 'what's in it for me' perspective).

So I was then heartened to read, under "how to handle your high maintenance friend" the following:

"Friendships are characterised by mutual enpathy and support."

That is not happening in this particular relationship, and it is precisely because that is missing that I end up in the selfish/expectation/bad friend conversation with myself, which makes me end up feeling that maybe I am a bad person afterall.

Friendship is meant to be a two way street.

It seems that the newspaper had a message for me today, and I am confident again that I am not a bad person.

Some Things Never Change....

...for example - the battle with kids over dishes. This is one that has fallen through time unchanged, I'm sure.

Being Friday night means it's pizza night (of the take-a-away variety).

The 'deal' in this house is allegedly that whoever cooks the dinner doesn't have to do the dishes.

Mistyqee cooked pasta monday night (as she usually does), I washed and (due to mucho experience) advised Thunderbolt the dishes were to be dried before he went to bed.

Tuesday night I cooked.

Wednesday night I cooked.

Thursday night is CYO - Cook Your Own (due to late night shopping), it's usually frozen meals which mean hardly any dishes.

Friday night I buy pizza for dinner - very few dishes.

Tonight I stated that I would not order pizza until the dishes were at least started - yep they were still sitting there from Tuesday night.

I didn't lose my cool, I simply stated that I was meeting my responsibilities but they were not and, therefore, that I would not meet my responsibility tonight (ie buying pizza) until they had (at least started to) met theirs.

Dishes were started within 5 minutes.

I really dislike the whole 'fighting over dishes' thing. We were supposed to have an arrangement. They are old enough (16 and 17) to negotiate together over washing/drying. They are old enough that I shouldn't have to remind them there are dishes they are meant to do.

Now we have a new arrangement.

A new arrangement has been struck, only time will tell, though I am holding out no hope that the battle of the dishes is over and done with.

And so it was ..

I did have a good day today..

First appointment included some (hoped for) confirmation.

I have cream to keep my eyelid condition under 'control' (cant be cured but control is fine and all I was looking for) . Rather ironically one of the cautions on the box is 'Avoid eyes' ... what the?

And I got about an hour in the wonderful sunshine!

Hope you had a good day too, back to the grind for me tomorrow.

Looking Forward to Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a great day.

The forecast is for fine weather and I have the day off!

Unfortunately most of it will be taken up with a financially-related appointment and an appointment with the doc (to see about what can be done to calm down my eye rash).

But I'm sure I'll be able to steal some sunshine time along the way.

Considered putting some grey-matter time to the main issue at hand, but realise there is no point - the next step is not mine. May have a look at the letter I've been trying to write and see if I can make some progress there.

I Should Try This Maybe ..?

Buy a car, then a year or more later, because I've neglected the car/not looked after it and it's just not worth what it was back when I got it, approach the finance company and say "I think I've paid enough for that car, it was overvalued, I'm not going to make any more repayments".

The first Falcon we bought devalued much quicker than expected, due to their being a flood of that particular model onto the market following the collapse of one of the Ford dealers here in Perth (this was a number of years ago).

Maybe we should have tried the above on the finance company back then (not that we hadn't looked after the car in that instance)?

I have a good idea as to the reaction we would have received!

Should Do's ..

I was determined to do some of the 'should do's' today ... a very unexpected phone call almost stopped me.

But today I got the washing done, mowed the lawn, did some work in the vege patch, weed 'n' feed'd the lawn, and did a monor amount of tidying up.

All this in between writing a very long letter, which I'm not sure I'll even send.

Horoscopes

Read whilst laying the couch doing 'nothing'..
"You may make a super-human effot to put a past situation behind you but sentiment and regrets are still likely to surface ...."

and another:
"Your sense of relief could come in many forms, from emtional right through to physical and financial."

Like I've said before, I don't believe in horoscopes particularly, but I still find it interesting to read them from time to time.

Feeling: Concerned

Back to Blah

I've fallen back into the 'blah' funk :(

So many things that I 'should' do ... write letter to lawyer, wash clothes for work, mow the lawn, weed and feed the garden, tidy up, organise my correspondance, go out, talk to people...

And there are things I could do .. start sewing the cut out dress at the top of that list...

But I'm back to ZERO motivation to do anything.

Today my achievements are:
1. Filled the car with petrol (otherwise I wouldn't make it to work on Monday)
2. Grocery shopping (otherwise the childerbeasts would revolt)
3. One load (out of about 5 that need doing) of washing.

I don't like being in this funk .. back to everything being a waste of time .. even wasting time doing nothing seems like a waste of time (that doesn't even make sense does it!)

Blah blah blah, think I'll go do a whole lot more of nothing.

4 days and counting ....

Motives

It's a curious thing ... a person's motive for doing something.

Something I sometimes find even more curious is as to why it becomes so important to us to try fathom anothers' motive.

Sometimes I wonder why on earth we bother trying to work out a persons motives for their actions/behaviour. I guess it's just a part of trying to work out what is going on, trying to make sense of a situation that doesn't, on the face of it, make sense.

But we're humans, we seem to often do things that make no sense, things for which there is no reason - at least no reason that makes sense to others.

Perhaps it's because we want there to be 'mitigating circumstances' - like someone who steals a loaf of bread because their children are starving. Or because they've been brainwashed with 'incorrect' information/ideas.

Sometimes the answers aren't pretty, sometimes there is simply no answer to the question, sometimes when we have the answer it still doesn't make sense (and then either give up trying to understand, or keep looking because 'obviously there must be another reason).

Sometimes when we have the answer we 'get it', can at least understand (if not forgive) the behaviour.

What is this need to understand anothers' behaviour?

Why are we humans cursed with the need to ask the question 'why'? (ROFL)