Queer as Folk - Changing Minds

Lindsay and Mel - seeming to hope (?) that the other has changed their mind about leaving/separating.

Did I think he would change his mind (after he left here)? No, I didn't really think so.

I was very surprised when, at the end of July, six months after moving out, he said he wanted to come back.

Then, at the next separation (me leaving the business), he seemed to want me to change my mind. Saying to me things like I didn't have to sell out of the business.



It's hard to make a decision when you don't really know for yourself what you want. Most of the time the right thing to do is simply make a choice and see how it goes. But when your decision is going to have a big impact on other peoples' lives, it's really unfair on them to keep on changing your mind. No, unfair isn't the right word - it's devastating.

It's So Much Better ...

... having the kids here :), and that they are back at school ... even if it is years 11 and 12.

Have promised Thunderbolt some driving lessons - I'm real good at emergency stops, had to do one on the way home tonight, wheels squealed and burnt rubber! Bit jelly-legged, very thankful the guy behind me could pull up onto the nature strip separating the dual carriageway instead of ploughing into the back of me Whiplash and a banged up car I can do without right now thanks (or ever for that matter!).

Just Call Me Shortie
In other news I'm now officially the shortie of the family; 15 year old Mistyqee overtook me in the height stakes sometime during the holidays.

I don't mind so much, but it makes straightening her hair (which is long) pretty tiring on the arms (all that reaching up). I'll have to either stand on the bath step or get her bring in a chair methinks.

QaF
QaF is on later tonight. I've started wondering whether I watch it now to see what it bring back to me. I don't know, and I don't really care.

Torment

A few days ago was the two year anniversary of him moving out.

Why do I sit here and torment myself with all this shite? :( I've done nothing all weekend (too hot to garden and no kids to look after) than immerse myself into it again. Why aren't I making any more progress? Why do I keep going back to it all? (which I see as a sign that I'm not progressing anymore)

I guess a fair part of that is because of him and what he's doing at the moment, still exerting some level of control over me :(

I know, I know, people only have power over you if you allow them to.

What does that say about me?

Do I *want* him to have power over me? - No, that's never what our relationship was ever about, and I certainly didn't like nor appreciate it when he did start controlling me (when things went pear-shaped and he was definately trying to control me, and her).

Why *is* he trying to control me, exert pressure on me? Why can't he move on from that? Is it my fault that it's dragged on so long? He would say it is (because he blames the blog for their fights), but I know different.

Partially it's also because I have nothing else to do, nothing to occupy me - particularly when I can't garden and the kids aren't here. I keep thinking about organising it all into a book - the journals, the e-mails, the ICQ histories, the MSN logs, the diary notes, the SMS logs; maybe once I've done that it will take up less of my brain space, knowing that it's all safe and secure all together somewhere. Getting it all organised will at least give me something to do!

And it is cathartic for me, just like the blog; even just looking back at the messages and realising they're having no emotional affect on me, not dragging me back down into that deep dark pit in which I lived for so long, shows me that I've progressed, and that's a good thing.

I know, I should find other things to do, other people to see and talk to (just socially, I'm not talking about looking for a partner), but I'm just not interested/motivated. I just can't be bothered with anything other than the things I *have* to do becaue they're *my* responsibilities.

Oh well, at least the kids will be back tonight.

Decided

I've decided to transcribe the original computer journal into it's own blog 'cos otherwise it's going to get all jumbled up in between current-day posts.

I wrote a prelude (two actually), describing how our relationship began and progressed, and about how our open relationship had 'operated'. Obviously this is from my perspective (probably stating the obvious there, as it's me who has written it) . The prelude is for when I finally get Alzheimers and can't remember it.

I'll add entries from the journal into that blog over time, in chronological order.

As a lot of what I write in this blog is about the happenings described in, and subsequent to, that journal, and my continuing journey in the aftermath of what happened, and I'll keep on doing that. If you don't understand/can't follow then that's fine - this blog is For Me, not for you, and I've always been the kind of person who jumps from one topic to another suddenly and without warning (something my surrogate sisters could always follow).

Writing The Prelude ...
...last night and this morning, has been an interesting experience. There aren't any 'new' thoughts in it, nothing I hadn't thought about before, but previously I think it was bits of it at a time, rather than the whole thing (the whole history/development of 'us'). Interesting, to me anyway.

Those Two Visits with Her, with Hindsight

Further down the track (than the posts from the original computer journal), I would often think back to those two times that the three of us were together.

There were so many signs that things weren't right. I had that prickly sensation at the time, but wasn't really listening to my gut then.

The night she came to my place she sat on one sofa, I sat on the other sofa and he sat on a cushion on the floor, not near to either of us. That was pretty unusual, he would normally have sat with me.

Obviously (I realised later) he didn't want her to see that we were actually a couple.

It was more apparent to me on the second occassion, when we went to her house. Again, she and I sat on sofas and he sat on the floor, not next to either of us. I thought it was rather curious, again it would have been usual for him to sit with me.

Again, obvious to me later, he didn't want her to see us as a couple or 'together' in that sense.

They went off together into her computer room for about 30 - 45 minutes and there was laughing and giggling. I didn't feel very comfortable about that - left alone in someone's house I didn't really know, just sitting there (didn't even know where the computer room was to go find them. I guess I could have just followed the voices, but didn't feel it appropriate to just go wandering around in someone else's house, it's just not something I do.)

When I think back (it's all still so ever present in my memory) and look back at the journal I see so many opportunities to have 'nipped it in the bud' (not necessarily meaning ending it between her and him)/done things differently that would have resulted in an altogether different result, and berate myself for not having done so.

But I know I'm being overly critical of myself in feeling that, because he was telling me it was ok, he still liked me (emailed me on the 19th July 02 'In Case You Forget, I like you Noala Jean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - we never said 'I love you' for reasons previously posted), said he wasn't leaving me. The behaviour at the visits I passed off as it seemed (by virtue of the fact that we were seeing her 'together', of sorts) that this was indeed going to move along the way the previous relationship had (which had only ended in May of that year .. ie only weeks before he started acting suspiciously with this new person).

Original Computer Journal - current day edits in italics

Edit: The journal entries that were here have now been posted on a separate blog.

This entry retained however as there were comments made.

Beginning of the End - 'Doing' the Open Relationship Differently

I've been thinking about doing this for a loooong time now - posting entries from the computer and paper journal from back then, so as to have them all in one place.

Couldn't decide whether to 'back post' them - don't really know if I can, ie use the date they were written as the posting date. Can't decide. For now I think I'll just put them here and decide that later.

If you have an opinion as to where these should appear (ie here at the top or back before the beginning of posts) let me know, help me decide!

(edit: the entry from the journal has been deleted as I've now decided to post them in a separate blog)

Queer as Folk - Separation

Mel and Lindsays separation scene tonight wasn't like our last one at all, it did bring it to mind though.

I was frightened of him the first night of that fight. terrified that he would come home in that violent anger/lashing out I had seen before, but that this time he would do harm to someone (me) or something (he'd broken two phones and his very beloved guitar in rages previously - not caused by me - as well as the bathroom door incident). I locked the doors so he wouldn't be able to get in, but later unlocked them again, thinking that it would just aggravate him even more and perhaps result in an even worse reaction. And he had possessions here, I didn't feel I had a right to bar him access (and the TV weighed almost as much as me, if not more, and was upstairs, so ditching it outside wasn't an option).

It was the first time I'd ever been frightened that he would do physical harm to me. (The night he bashed on the bathroom door was different - I hadn't seen it coming and it just made me angry)

He stayed at a hotel (or at least, not here) for two (maybe three?) nights. During that time came here unnanounced, didn't say a word to me, collected a few 'essentials' and left again. I e-mailed or messaged him and said he was not to come to the house in that manner again.

Then, when he came here, a couple of days later, mainly for business purposes, he aked me what we were going to do. After some pre-amble about inconsiderate behaviours I said I didn't believe he should live here anymore. He has never slept (in a bed) here again.

There were no tears, no sadness. Following on from the prior few days that's not surprising. I think I was still angry at him for his behaviour during that time (I'd moved from frightened to angry by that time).

But the tears flowed eventually, as I knew they would, and for longer than I ever thought possible.

Recurring Memory

The memory that currently keeps pushing itself in front of me is of one of the times he was here taking away a car/ute load of things. I think it was either the first or second time he took stuff away, maybe the first.

I *think* we had (after loading the vehicle) been talking about how much stuff he had/where he was going to put it at his parents house.

He seemed to come to a sudden realisation that he had stuff of his own, that he liked, which meant he now had stuff that other people could take away from him (ie to recover debts).

I don't know why this image/memory is coming at me now, has been prevalent for about a month now.

Full Circle

It's just over a year since I began blogging, and the situation has completed a full circle.

Back to him 'being a bastard' (this is how he described his behaviour over the first few months of last year when we discussed it late November 04 - "Oh, that's right, I was being a bastard", as part of the discussion when I said that it didn't make sense that he said he wanted to be my friend, considering the way he had treated me).

But I have not simply gone around the circular path. I am stronger now than then.




Yeah, I saw you.

Reading Back.. And If Only's...

what I wrote last night, it doesn't give the true 'feeling' of what went on, or didn't go on.

Looking back at what I've written, I wouldn't be surprised if a passing reader thought 'sheeesh she should have just chucked him out'.

But it wasn't as clear cut as that, otherwise I may well have done so far sooner than I did.

Their relationship was on and off all the time, right from the beginning - sometimes only a few days would pass between it being on then off, other times a whole week, sometimes longer. And I would think that maybe it was going to be alright, maybe he would start 'being here' again, maybe she would come to grips with sharing him with me.

Throughout the time he kept saying he didn't want to live anywhere else, didn't want to live with anyone else, didn't understand why I put up with all his bullshit (which I took as a big compliment, I guess because I thought there was only one person he could be possibly comparing me to), wished he could retract the words he'd said, was still having sex with me (until a couple of days before he said he was leaving), didn't want to have to choose, etc...

It was a very confusing time for all three of us, and continued/continues to be.

She Said...
She was envious (her words) of what we had - a happy home. It was what she wanted for herself, and what she took away from the both of us, from all of us.

But how can that be (that she was envious of what we had)? She supposedly didn't know that we were a couple, so how could she have thought that what we had was what she wanted? (she referred to various divorces in her family when she made that comment, so I know she was referring to 'coupleness'). And her comments, from back then, that she didn't want to break us up? But she didn't think/know that we were a couple? That doesn't gel, does it.

If she thought we were a couple then why would she be so shocked and upset that we'd been having sex? Oh, that's right, he'd told her we were 'just friends' - but then that doesn't fit with the 'doesn't want to break us up' comment either.

We both loved the same person each of us in different ways, and he loved both of us each in different ways. But she forced him to decide.

And she dared to be surprised, once, that I might feel a little hostile towards her?

It's not possible to re-create the relationship you see between two people when you take one of those people away and replace them with someone else. It doesn't work that way because we are people and we are different to one another. It is folly to think that it's possible.

If Only...
I often nearly ended up at her place, back during the time when he was still living here; I felt a strong need to talk to her. It's one of those 'gut insticts' that I wish I had followed up on. If she and I had talked together ... well, I'm sure things would have turned out very differently, I guess that's all I can say. For the better or worse can only be guessed at; but I'm sure it would have circumvented a great deal of the pain and suffering he put both of us through.







Yes I saw you.

Queer as Folk - On Being, or Having, A 'Secret'

Having someone as your, or being someone else's, own 'little secret' or 'lie' is not a good way to go, I agree.

I do feel slightly hypocritical making that statement, as I have been guilty of this in the past. However, as soon as I was confronted I admitted to it.

Another reason I don't feel so hypocritical is that this is one of the reasons why I wanted an open relationship. I didn't want to 'cheat' on my partner. But I knew that we can all be tempted now and then. I thought an open relationship was the solution. It's not 'cheating' if the other person knows about i, if it's all in the open.

I don't believe that humans are suited to the 'serial monogamists' that a large number of societies and cultures are desirous/demanding of us being. There is much written about this if you bother to look.

As a generalisation, women are biologically more suited to monogamy than men, most simply because we are the ones that bear the offspring, and we want/need the longevity of a relationship to help see us through the raising of said offspring. But it's a generalisation and doesn't apply to all of us carrying around the XX chromosomes. Men have the base instinct of sowing seeds widely to keep the genetic 'mix' going. At least this is what I have read.

What did I want from our open relationship? I wanted someone to grow old with, who would always be there for me, to always come 'home' to, to share lifes ups and downs (well I got plenty of them didn't I? *rueful sad attempt at a grin), companionship. Someone who would realise that although I might wander briefly, that he would always be 'el primo'.

Whenever he had the 'demons/green eyed monster come visit him' I would always reassure him. Never be far away (hell I was never out of the house at those times -I don't know whether that made it easier or more difficult for him).

What was I willing to give? Me, all of me, a committment to be there, no matter what strange faces of himself he showed me (that he often thought would/should make me run screaming), to be his support, to be loyal to him (those who don't understand would laugh at that, but others will nod sagely), to be his rock.

Initially, when the green eyed monster struck me, when we became involved with a 'third' who was a female, he would reassure me too, and everything would be ok again.

But the last time, he gave me no reassurance, even though I was in obvious desperate need of it. That's what should have told me if nothing else. But we don't beleive our gut sometimes, because we don't want it to be true.

It wasn't the jealousy that was the problem, it was his lack of reassurance, his absolute neglect of just about everything that went with being here.

Not just me, but about everything. Remembering I needed the car to collect my son from work, doing dishes now and then (oh how thrilled, after he had said he was going to stay, when he said 'don't worry, I'll do the dishes Noal', cos it meant he really was 'back'), putting the bins out, working together in the garden, keeping appointments with me to go to the gym, staying here during the weekend his son was here, spending time with his son.

Breaking the terms of his extraordinary licence (which was granted, and needed, for business purposes) so he could go see her, sending his son home on Sunday morning instead of Sunday night, going to work (either the office or to clients premises) on the weekend (which he previously really hated to do) and of course just happening to drop by her place for 'coffee' because it was on the way, becoming 'unavailable' for unknown reasons hours at a time during the working day, not being where he inferred he would be during the business day (guess where/with whom instead?), not replying to business-related SMS' until hours later.....

No, it wasn't the jealousy that was the problem, and jealousy is not unusual in open relationships (quite a bit written on that too).

He was no longer my rock, he was no longer my support, he wasn't sharing his life with me, with us. He was no longer participating as a person who lived here (I don't care who you are, whereever you live there are responsibilities). He wasn't fulfilling his reponsibilities to this household; as a partner, as an adult in a household, as a father, as a business partner/operator.

These are the reasons I told him that day I didn't think he should live here anymore and why later, when I realised he had been seeing her again (of course he didn't tell me, I had to work it out and confront him - again), that I had to leave the business (because of the unreliable way he behaved in regards to the business when they were together. One day he could see me - for business purposes I'm talking here, the next day he 'couldn't'. How can you run a business together when every time you communicate there is strain because you know that just in communicating there are likely to be personal 'issues' for the other person. Having a business meeting was impossible).

Through it all I still wanted the things, and was willing to give the things, that our relationship had been about. But he was confused and couldn't decide what he wanted.

He made a decision, unfortunately it turned out to be a pretty bad decision.

I asked him/told him once, that he should stop seeing her until we had ourselves 'sorted out'. But he couldn't do that either ... because, like usual, he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

And that's what he was supposed to be able to do, and had done in the past; but not at the expense of all of us.

I just caught myself thinking 'well next time I'll know what to look for', but there isn't going to ne a next time. I can't do that to myself again.

'Better to have loved and lost..etc' - no I don't think so. It's nice that I have been loved (even by him), but I have lost as well, and I certainly know which I prefer, having tasted both.

He said being with her was 'the best of times', of course it was - that's how infatuation feels. But he also said it had been the absolute worst of times as well. That's where love takes you - and I aint going there again.

The End

And so my holiday is over and it's back to work tomorrow. I hope the boss isn't too pissed off, I don't like it when the atmosphere at work isn't pleasant. I *hope* he thinks I did the right thing.

A new salesperson and no installer; interesting way to start the year.

My posting may slow down with my return to work.

Busy
Someone has been being a very busy little beaver of late.

Mail
I'm expecting some mail this week.

Today

I wonder what today was all about?

Permission to Throw Up...

Bit the bullet and did (well only got about 2/3rds the way through) - I think I'll go throw up now.

Having to Choose ...

It was so wrong that he was made to have to choose, it's exactly what our relationship wasn't about.

I know he didn't want to have to choose ... after he had been to see her that Friday afternoon (after he had told me on Tuesday that he was staying), he said to me 'I don't like one of you better than the other' (may not be an exact quote, I haven't checked my journal). And he put off telling me he was going until Saturday night and then only because she nearly spilled the beans to me in IM (I had repeated the aforementioned comment to her).

Which, come to think of it now, the comment of not liking either one of us better than the other, strikes me as rather strange - as he had told me prior to then that he was in love with her; ergo he must have also believed he was in love with me. Strange as he has since said that he was unhappy here for 'so long'.

Is there another interpretation there that I'm missing?

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

I just finished watching this movie, having not heard of it before someone posted about it in a comment here a short while ago.

Interesting that after having both their memories removed the find each other again. Some people aren't just in your memory, they're in your whole person.

I'll remember this movie next time I'm wishing for a lobotomy.

Queer As Folk this week ...

(For the Canadians and Americans - we are only now in season 4 here in Aust.)

Tonights heart-pull was the Mel and Lindsay scene. It was about Lindsay having strayed (with a man no less!) but that she still chose Mel, Gus and ? (Mel is preggers). Mel says she isn't sure whether she still chooses Lindsay.

I know the joy of being chosen (he was going to stay) following a period in which I thought I quite likely would not be (chosen). No, joy is not the right word, ummm errr elation, awe, able to breathe again .. hmm no, words don't really describe it.

I wonder how he felt, having come to that decision.

I know the hell-hole too, of not being chosen (he was going), a mere 4 or 5 days after having been told I was 'chosen' (strangely enough, NOT, after a visit to her during which he told her we had had sex - mind you he only confessed to one time when it was actually more than that. I'm not 'spilling beans' here to stir her up, she knows this now).



There are times that I wish I'd had the strength to say to him that it was too bad if he chose me, cos I wasn't choosing him. But there was no way that I could have done that, not then. Times I wish that when he said those words "I'm going", that I had told him to get out right there and then, even though he had no idea where he was going to go to. Hell, he had given me enough curve balls by then, he certainly deserved to get some thrown his way. But that's not my way.

But I couldn't do that, not to him (stupid me, he had just done it to me!, but that's just not how I am), not to his son (who was at my house that weekend). Sometimes I wonder though whether it was just me being weak, not wanting to put myself through that.

Those two words killed me. I died there on the bed that night as we talked and cried (both of us - and yelled a bit too) and went over (not for the first time) why it wouldn't work for him and her. My soul, who I am (was) died that night. I think his did a little too.

That may sound as though I'm co-dependant (or whatever that term is), but I don't think so. It was my belief that given the opportunity, that he would make the 'right' choice, that was killed that night. He didn't make the right choice - this was proven many many times in the two years that have followed. What was so frustrating is that both of us knew it from the start, we had discussed it on quite a few occassions. And the things that we had discussed came to pass. And we continued to discuss it after he left here, but he continued to make that same choice, over and over and the same things kept on happening that we had discussed.

Through writing my journal (elsewhere as well as here) I've also come to realise that it was my faith in myself that died that night.

I've written before that we had an open relationship, and I know there are some who would say that was the problem, or that I simply chose the wrong person to do it with (or that perhaps I was the wrong person to be doing it - I had returned to being monogamous, yes, but emotionally - not in the usual meaning of monogamous. That looks bad when I read it back, but those who know me/us may know what I mean. He was always my 'home', bah I give up trying to put it into words).

But what it tells me is that I am no good at chosing the right person to 'let in'. I cannot trust my own judgement. This is what he killed that night, my trust in myself. This is why I do not seek another partner, will not let anyone in. Because I cannot allow myself to be put back into that place again.

My beliefs and values were wrong, and were what allowed me to be taken to that place. Tolerance, flexibility, acceptance, patience, trying to adapt myself to new situations to allow another to do what they wanted to do, truth and honesty. He probably thinks I wasn't showing much of those traits, but if I hadn't he would have been out that door long before I finally said that I didn't think he should live here anymore (because it was too painful, too disruptive - for both of us).

No, my beliefs and values simply allowed me to be walked all over like a doormat, fucked-over again and again by the person who was supposed to be my rock and my support.


I still haven't found a way to make that inner core of who I am/what kind of person I am go away. I often wish I had cos then I wouldn't have let him come in November (I really should have learned by then *sighs at stupid self*), wouldn't have replied to the emails and SMS's that Christmas.

I don't know how to be a different me, but being who I am just makes me vulnerable. This is why I live my 'sad/silly little life'. But I'm doing the responsible things, being a good mum, being a good employee, being financially responsible, being a semi-decent 'daughter'. There's just not a lot in it for me. Is that such a sad/silly life?

For Readers Who Don't Know Me Personally ...

Just in case you're getting confused - my ex-husband is *not* the same person about whom I write so much.

I have an extremely good relationship with my ex husband. And, for the record, it was me who left my husband; I was the one that did wrong in that instance, he did nothing wrong or bad. He was, and still is, a wonderful person.

Not Involved Anymore?

If she's 'not involved' anymore why does she come back? Why does he come back? Why does what I type hold any significance to either of them at all? If it has no significance they wouldn't return.

In the last two days some comments he made when he visited here have been revisiting my brain (someone get the scalpel please!). He said he was wrong to have stayed away and wrong to not have brought his son over to see my kids.

Where was he going, with saying that? What is the point of acknowledging past failings (to another person) if not to make things different?

Maybe he was just beating up on himself (as I do to myself plenty of times), realising the things he could have/should have done differently. Or maybe he was thinking of/wanting to start doing those things?

Dream

Dreamt of them last night, but it was different to other dreams that they've both been in - they didn't appear together, they weren't in the same segments of the dream.

First segment, am in a house with tiled floor (brown/beige?) in loungeroom witting on couches, ex employee is there too and him. We are talking, the only thing that I recall talking about is... damn, I don't remember now. He seemed relaxed.
Now I'm not sure whether I speak to the ex employee first and then him - separately. The ex employee and I talk about him. E is very cagey, not very forthcoming.

I recall more of the part with her, maybe just because it was the last part of the dream.
Next segment is with her, in a different room of the same (?) house - tiled floor, plain kitchen clock on wall, kitchen table. I am sitting on a kitchen chair, not facing the table. She is wearing way too much make up (lots of mascara, heavy eye makup - dark colours, heavy lipstick, heavy rouge, base makeup), hair is longer than IRL, blonder and tied up in a sticky-out ponytail near top of her head. She is wearing white Roman/Greek style robes with a gold sash (maybe just a symbol of her origins). She is 'showing off' her body/herself in front of me, bending and 'posing' so I see particular parts of her body - I specifically see her back/side (as much as the toga allows - it is kind of split/doesn't join down the sides). She is trying to make me jealous but it isn't working. She tells me they are living together in a different house (ie not her house), she doesn't seem particularly happy about the house they've moved into. I get the impression it is old (not in a nice way) and rather low class (IRL her house is not like that). They have taken only some of the furniture from her house, it sounds as though there is an older female that has some authority over what they can and can't take.She talks about a modular couch they have (I think it's my old brown couch), that he and I had had (in dream time) and that it scoots across the floor when they 'use' it, impression of shag pile carpet .. and asks whether the same thing happened when he and I used it, I say yes, she says he had told her that.
I ask specifically whether they have taken the bed from her house - I'm not sure of the answer, if it was a yes it's not a very good bed, recall her/impression of a bed with a hard bar/plank down the middle that is uncomfortable, old bed, worn, rather tatty.
I have the impression of there being an older woman there, I feel it is perhaps her mother.(whom I've never met).
She says she liked her old house because they could do things and not be seen by anyone who might happen to come to the door (impression of an unknown/unidentified visitor coming to a glass sliding door and trying too look inside to see if they can see them).
She tells me things that I think (in the dream) that he wouldn't want her to be telling me.
I ask her why she is 'parading' (not the word I used in the dream) in front of me .... the dream ends/I woke up.

Inconsequential things Bring Memories...

Like re-runs of movies. Tonigh "Event Horizon" is on. It makes me wonder whether he knows it's on, whether he is watching it.

Can I pleeease have the lobotomy? I don't want to have to wait until I am old and have Alzheimers to start forgetting :(

Quick to anger, but also quick to forget/forgive/get over it - yet another thing that hasn't changed.

Well OK, I didn't stop analysing altogether ...

While surfing (BE style) today I came across these thoughts on someone's blog (sorry I didn't get the URL to acknowledge the writer, if it's blogmarked I'll add it later) (I've added line breaks to make it easier to read):

"When people are hurt and/or angered by something someone says to them, does it mean the person speaking is just mean and hurtful deliberately or perhaps just hit a nerve with the recipient?

In other words, the person whose feelings are hurt by a particular statement feels the deliverer of the statement is just being mean, hateful, or hurtful.

However, isn't it true the recipient is hurt simply because the statement hit a nerve, which brings a truth to the forefront of their mind?

Could it be the hurt comes from within the person receiving the information rather than the person delivering the information?

Could certain statements bring about truths people fail to face and/or admit?

Make sense? I think it does. Why else would people react to certain statements, words, and phrases?

If the statement is not true, why get upset?"

This 'struck home' for me. I guess that's because of something I've thought before (don't know if it appears anywhere in the blog), which is:

If the things I write in my blog are just 'lies' and 'crap', then WHY does it create any kind of reaction in her. The above writers' thoughts, and mine too, are that obviously she sees truth in what I write, things that she has failed/refused to face or admit, and that is why she reacts badly to what I write.

And maybe that's why I am do unaffected by his nasty e-mails and SMS's - because I know the things he says are not true, not what he really believes or feels. And why hers just make me laugh.
Oh, and he is back in the technological world again today.

I've said this before..

..it's good for me to have a 'project' on the go, or to be 'busy' - it keeps my mind distracted and the analysing stops for a while.

It doesn't mean I don't think about him though, worst luck :(

I'm not sure it's a good thing to stop analysing, but then again it rarely gets me anywhere. Some things just don't make sense - especially people.

The End of Slothfulness

One week of holidays being a sloth is sufficient I think.

Today began the productive part of my holidays. Thunderbolt and I concreted the edge of the paving, which needed to be done so I can hire a Dingo for Thursday and level the area. THEN I can begin planting plants, which I am getting so sick and tired of picking up three times a day after they've been blown over by the wind.

Tomorrow brings doing my friends' books, a dr's appointment, a dentist appointment, a call to hire the Dingo and a call to get the pest controller back to get rid of the cockroaches. It will be good for me to be busy again.




Brain, brain go away, take those thought 'n' throw them away.
That's what I feel like singing :(

VIKI!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFL! & Some HTML Help Please

Tonight I watched I, Robot for the first time (going to the movies is something I don't do anymore other than with my daughter to watch, mostly, Disney animated movies). When the movie came out I grabbed my Asmiov robot anthology and managed to read a few, until I ran out of ones that didn't deal with emotions. After what I'd read I didn't think seeing the movie at the cinema was a good idea, so I didn't.

I must say, I do wish I had been to see this movie before now. I smiled, almost laughed out loud; the 'villain' is a positronic brain named VIKI, whos 'logic is flawless'. I just thought that was very funny; almost a parallel to what has, apparently, been happening .... crossed synapsis (sp?) ending up with totally misreading a situation and coming to an incorrect/inappropriate conclusion, and trying to enforce it on others.

ROFL, oh I'm so glad I watched that movie, I really needed the laugh. (Not good though that it is at anothers' expense, oh well, she's laughed at me and said plenty of nasty things about me. If she can't take it TOUGH SHIT)

HTML Help Please
Can anyone help me get the profile etc to be at the top of the right hand side of the page instead of way down the bottom? My brain is a bit tired now to sit staring at the code. It looks like it's a table, so I guess it's on the wrong row or cell? Am I close?

Him
Possibly MIA again ...

For The New Year

I don't ask for a 'Happy New Year', all I ask is for one that was slightly better thant e last. All things considered, this isn't a big ask.