Queer as Folk - On Being, or Having, A 'Secret'

Having someone as your, or being someone else's, own 'little secret' or 'lie' is not a good way to go, I agree.

I do feel slightly hypocritical making that statement, as I have been guilty of this in the past. However, as soon as I was confronted I admitted to it.

Another reason I don't feel so hypocritical is that this is one of the reasons why I wanted an open relationship. I didn't want to 'cheat' on my partner. But I knew that we can all be tempted now and then. I thought an open relationship was the solution. It's not 'cheating' if the other person knows about i, if it's all in the open.

I don't believe that humans are suited to the 'serial monogamists' that a large number of societies and cultures are desirous/demanding of us being. There is much written about this if you bother to look.

As a generalisation, women are biologically more suited to monogamy than men, most simply because we are the ones that bear the offspring, and we want/need the longevity of a relationship to help see us through the raising of said offspring. But it's a generalisation and doesn't apply to all of us carrying around the XX chromosomes. Men have the base instinct of sowing seeds widely to keep the genetic 'mix' going. At least this is what I have read.

What did I want from our open relationship? I wanted someone to grow old with, who would always be there for me, to always come 'home' to, to share lifes ups and downs (well I got plenty of them didn't I? *rueful sad attempt at a grin), companionship. Someone who would realise that although I might wander briefly, that he would always be 'el primo'.

Whenever he had the 'demons/green eyed monster come visit him' I would always reassure him. Never be far away (hell I was never out of the house at those times -I don't know whether that made it easier or more difficult for him).

What was I willing to give? Me, all of me, a committment to be there, no matter what strange faces of himself he showed me (that he often thought would/should make me run screaming), to be his support, to be loyal to him (those who don't understand would laugh at that, but others will nod sagely), to be his rock.

Initially, when the green eyed monster struck me, when we became involved with a 'third' who was a female, he would reassure me too, and everything would be ok again.

But the last time, he gave me no reassurance, even though I was in obvious desperate need of it. That's what should have told me if nothing else. But we don't beleive our gut sometimes, because we don't want it to be true.

It wasn't the jealousy that was the problem, it was his lack of reassurance, his absolute neglect of just about everything that went with being here.

Not just me, but about everything. Remembering I needed the car to collect my son from work, doing dishes now and then (oh how thrilled, after he had said he was going to stay, when he said 'don't worry, I'll do the dishes Noal', cos it meant he really was 'back'), putting the bins out, working together in the garden, keeping appointments with me to go to the gym, staying here during the weekend his son was here, spending time with his son.

Breaking the terms of his extraordinary licence (which was granted, and needed, for business purposes) so he could go see her, sending his son home on Sunday morning instead of Sunday night, going to work (either the office or to clients premises) on the weekend (which he previously really hated to do) and of course just happening to drop by her place for 'coffee' because it was on the way, becoming 'unavailable' for unknown reasons hours at a time during the working day, not being where he inferred he would be during the business day (guess where/with whom instead?), not replying to business-related SMS' until hours later.....

No, it wasn't the jealousy that was the problem, and jealousy is not unusual in open relationships (quite a bit written on that too).

He was no longer my rock, he was no longer my support, he wasn't sharing his life with me, with us. He was no longer participating as a person who lived here (I don't care who you are, whereever you live there are responsibilities). He wasn't fulfilling his reponsibilities to this household; as a partner, as an adult in a household, as a father, as a business partner/operator.

These are the reasons I told him that day I didn't think he should live here anymore and why later, when I realised he had been seeing her again (of course he didn't tell me, I had to work it out and confront him - again), that I had to leave the business (because of the unreliable way he behaved in regards to the business when they were together. One day he could see me - for business purposes I'm talking here, the next day he 'couldn't'. How can you run a business together when every time you communicate there is strain because you know that just in communicating there are likely to be personal 'issues' for the other person. Having a business meeting was impossible).

Through it all I still wanted the things, and was willing to give the things, that our relationship had been about. But he was confused and couldn't decide what he wanted.

He made a decision, unfortunately it turned out to be a pretty bad decision.

I asked him/told him once, that he should stop seeing her until we had ourselves 'sorted out'. But he couldn't do that either ... because, like usual, he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

And that's what he was supposed to be able to do, and had done in the past; but not at the expense of all of us.

I just caught myself thinking 'well next time I'll know what to look for', but there isn't going to ne a next time. I can't do that to myself again.

'Better to have loved and lost..etc' - no I don't think so. It's nice that I have been loved (even by him), but I have lost as well, and I certainly know which I prefer, having tasted both.

He said being with her was 'the best of times', of course it was - that's how infatuation feels. But he also said it had been the absolute worst of times as well. That's where love takes you - and I aint going there again.