Reading Back.. And If Only's...

what I wrote last night, it doesn't give the true 'feeling' of what went on, or didn't go on.

Looking back at what I've written, I wouldn't be surprised if a passing reader thought 'sheeesh she should have just chucked him out'.

But it wasn't as clear cut as that, otherwise I may well have done so far sooner than I did.

Their relationship was on and off all the time, right from the beginning - sometimes only a few days would pass between it being on then off, other times a whole week, sometimes longer. And I would think that maybe it was going to be alright, maybe he would start 'being here' again, maybe she would come to grips with sharing him with me.

Throughout the time he kept saying he didn't want to live anywhere else, didn't want to live with anyone else, didn't understand why I put up with all his bullshit (which I took as a big compliment, I guess because I thought there was only one person he could be possibly comparing me to), wished he could retract the words he'd said, was still having sex with me (until a couple of days before he said he was leaving), didn't want to have to choose, etc...

It was a very confusing time for all three of us, and continued/continues to be.

She Said...
She was envious (her words) of what we had - a happy home. It was what she wanted for herself, and what she took away from the both of us, from all of us.

But how can that be (that she was envious of what we had)? She supposedly didn't know that we were a couple, so how could she have thought that what we had was what she wanted? (she referred to various divorces in her family when she made that comment, so I know she was referring to 'coupleness'). And her comments, from back then, that she didn't want to break us up? But she didn't think/know that we were a couple? That doesn't gel, does it.

If she thought we were a couple then why would she be so shocked and upset that we'd been having sex? Oh, that's right, he'd told her we were 'just friends' - but then that doesn't fit with the 'doesn't want to break us up' comment either.

We both loved the same person each of us in different ways, and he loved both of us each in different ways. But she forced him to decide.

And she dared to be surprised, once, that I might feel a little hostile towards her?

It's not possible to re-create the relationship you see between two people when you take one of those people away and replace them with someone else. It doesn't work that way because we are people and we are different to one another. It is folly to think that it's possible.

If Only...
I often nearly ended up at her place, back during the time when he was still living here; I felt a strong need to talk to her. It's one of those 'gut insticts' that I wish I had followed up on. If she and I had talked together ... well, I'm sure things would have turned out very differently, I guess that's all I can say. For the better or worse can only be guessed at; but I'm sure it would have circumvented a great deal of the pain and suffering he put both of us through.







Yes I saw you.