Torment

A few days ago was the two year anniversary of him moving out.

Why do I sit here and torment myself with all this shite? :( I've done nothing all weekend (too hot to garden and no kids to look after) than immerse myself into it again. Why aren't I making any more progress? Why do I keep going back to it all? (which I see as a sign that I'm not progressing anymore)

I guess a fair part of that is because of him and what he's doing at the moment, still exerting some level of control over me :(

I know, I know, people only have power over you if you allow them to.

What does that say about me?

Do I *want* him to have power over me? - No, that's never what our relationship was ever about, and I certainly didn't like nor appreciate it when he did start controlling me (when things went pear-shaped and he was definately trying to control me, and her).

Why *is* he trying to control me, exert pressure on me? Why can't he move on from that? Is it my fault that it's dragged on so long? He would say it is (because he blames the blog for their fights), but I know different.

Partially it's also because I have nothing else to do, nothing to occupy me - particularly when I can't garden and the kids aren't here. I keep thinking about organising it all into a book - the journals, the e-mails, the ICQ histories, the MSN logs, the diary notes, the SMS logs; maybe once I've done that it will take up less of my brain space, knowing that it's all safe and secure all together somewhere. Getting it all organised will at least give me something to do!

And it is cathartic for me, just like the blog; even just looking back at the messages and realising they're having no emotional affect on me, not dragging me back down into that deep dark pit in which I lived for so long, shows me that I've progressed, and that's a good thing.

I know, I should find other things to do, other people to see and talk to (just socially, I'm not talking about looking for a partner), but I'm just not interested/motivated. I just can't be bothered with anything other than the things I *have* to do becaue they're *my* responsibilities.

Oh well, at least the kids will be back tonight.