Gosh, so many visits of late?

Interesting article in the Sunday Times today .. I'll post more about it later.

Bourbon and Searching for Me

Some bourbons were had last night to commemorate a particular event, it served to remind me that I really am a two-pot screamer these days. Guess that's good for the brain cells.

Searching For Me
I keep thinking that I don't know why I disappeared, why I'm not around anymore. The fact that he rejected me shouldn't be enough to do that to a person, but then again he didn't just reject me, and it didn't happen just once.

It's a shame I haven't come back, I used to be a fun person.

It's a Special Day

It's someones' birthday today .... happy birthday to you.

Oh, I Remembered ..

Thought that has been on my mind throughout the day (TV must have sucked it out of me momentarily when I was writing the previous post) - for no apparent reason (ie no particular 'triggers' to have caused me to start thinking about this):

Why was it me he came to when he was 'trying to work out what's happening'? Don't know why it bothers popping up in my mind all day - no doubt just another of his glib lies.

Mind you, the 'reason' for the visit was requested and answered well after her unnanounced visit ended, which was after his initial request to come over, and after he knew she had been here, so even more reason to believe it was a lie.

Mothers Day Lie
Another recurring remembrance has been of a time when they were fighting and he'd been to see me, and arranged to go to the movies a couple of nights hence. He was working at the office on the Saturday morning of which we were going to the movies. He messaged me around lunchtime to say he was leaving the office, had to go shopping to get his mother a Mothers Day present (Mothers Day was the next day).

When he arrived he was acting strangely again - aloof, distant, weird, so very different to how he had been just a few nights prior. I knew instantly something was up, that he must have seen her/they were back together/that he wasn't 'supposed' to be here. When I asked about the shopping he said he hadn't been able to find anything to buy his mum; gut instinct told me he hadn't even been shopping.

What had actually happened, so I found out later (and as I had partly guessed), is that he had not gone shopping but had been to her house. He'd told her, in explaining why he had to leave and come see me, that we had things to discuss about the settlement - or maybe it was the business, I don't recall which, but it was one of the two ( both being reasons she might find somewhat acceptable/tolerable for him coming to see me). She was apparently (and unsurprisingly) rather upset when she found we'd been to the movies; in explaining to her he made out that the movie was incidental to the reason for the visit, when in fact it was the main reason for the visit.

So many lies ............

The Things We Do ...

This evening I was told I shouldn't keep using the patches. After a week and half the mark from where the first patch was applied is still visible. The papaya ointment I bought (and have used every day) has had very little effect, so now I'm switching to the steroid ointment :(

But I'm not going to stop using the patches. I have about 5 left and they cost so friggin much - I can't waste that money.

Once all the patches are gone I'm going to give the lozenges a try. I'm not confident they will work as well as the patches have, but I also know I'm running out of fresh skin to put patches on :( - I certainly don't have enough for another 4 weeks worth.

I kinda wish it was winter so that I could put them on my arms as well, but then again maybe it's a good thing it's not, cos I have no idea how long it's going to take for these marks to go away. The Pharmacist was talking about possible scarring, oh well, I was never much of a beach or pool babe anyway - just as well I'm not into naked/semi-naked spas like we used to be though.

Damn, I had something else I wanted to write about too but it's gone now - bloody CRAFT (Can't Remember A Flamin' Thing) disease.

Damn Weather

I'm getting tired of doona on/doona off/sheet off and air con on/doona on weather!

It's gotten cool again, a nice warm spa would be good around now ...

Just Call Me Patches

I'm cutting down on my smoking due to financial necessity (oh mmm, yes, guess that's something else I'm supposed to thank you for is it?). I know it's good for my health but did you ever know someone who was happy to do something good for themselves because they were forced to, rather than because they chose to of their own accord?

I'm smoking about 3 cigarettes a day - big drop from the 20+ of just over a week ago.
The biggest problem is that my skin really doesn't like the adhesive on the nicotine patches :( I have big red squares of hot itchy skin on my back and rear; just as well no one ever sees me naked these days except the cat.

I've tried the gum, it just doesn't do it for me. I've started taking the patches off before I go to bed, to try give my skin a bit of a breather, but the patches are just as bad. When I'm finished this packet I'll try the 16 hour ones instead, maybe it wont be so bad.

I rewarded myself for my efforts last weekend. Instead of using the money saved by not buying cigarettes (I spent $10.00 instead of the usual $68.00) to pay/keep aside for bills I bought plants :) Indulged myself seriously in the garden, planted 30 plants last weekend. (No, I'm not a girly girl, I don't consider buying makeup, clothes, bags, shoes etc a reward)

Next week it will be for bills.

Ball Dress
Last weekend my daughter and I went looking for a ball dress; as a Year 11 student she is allowed to attend the school ball in April. We were just looking to get ideas of style and colour, but we found a gorgeous dress that she felt absolutely fabulous in and it looked great on too, so we bought it. She had a huge smile on her face all the way home, it was great.

On Allowing Someone To Be Your Everything..

In (yet another) navel gazing episode the other night I came to thinking why I have been so damaged, why I no longer wanted to live, all as the result of the actions of another person.

I concluded that it was because he was 'my everything' (to borrow from so many songs). And when my everything was taken away I had nothing (not literally true - but is how it felt). No reason to do anything, no future, no plans, no reason to live.

This lead me to thinking that if we are to survive relationship break downs more successfully, then we mustn't allow someone to become our everything.

But then, if your partner isn't your everything, are you really in the relationship, is it a relationship worth having?

I guess it might work if you're not planning on the relationship lasting very long.

Allowing someone to be your everything means you are left with nothing when they go (which statistically is very likely to happen); but to not allow someone to become your everything is to not participate fully in a relationship.

Hmmm yep, looks like I'm still destined for singledom.

Singledom
There are good and bad things about being single, sometimes I think about the good things (not having to compromise - and not have the courtesy returned - is the biggest), but mostly it's the bad things that beat me to a pulp - not having someone to be intimate with i.e. not having someone who knows me intimately, no-one to snuggle with, no-one to watch movies with, no-one to laugh with, no-one to do 'the foot thing' in bed with, no-one to share anything/everything with, and always having to make my own bloody coffee!

Throughout The Day Post

Not Involved Anymore?
ROFL - yeah right, as if.

Round and round and round and ...

Late Morning
Ahhhh, I feel better now.

Post Lunch
Splurged and had fast food for lunch

Post Dentist and Grocery Shopping
(It was Thunderbolt who had to see the dentist, not me).
Been remembering today something I've often been asked/had commented about her "How old did you say she's meant to be?"

Oh, and earlier ..
I checked out the rules for keeping chooks, and it looks like I wont be getting any. The rules make it almost impossible - 20 square metre enclosure not closer than 9 metres to any house (including my own), made all the harder cos I'm on a corner and therfore have 'back door' neighbours.

And then later...
There is a blog that I read fairly regularly The Narcissist's Secrets. It has been a bit of a strange read sometimes as the person who writes has been being the mistress of a married man.

When she writes what he says to her I often think they are the kinds of things that my partner would have said to his new 'piece on the side'. And sometimes wonder whether the things this person writes are similar to what the 'piece on the side' thought about/felt.

I find it interesting from that perspective - the perspective of 'the other woman' in the love triangle. And interesting to see what folk comment on about the wife (who, in my circumstance, is me).

Sometimes I wish the wife had a blog too!

Reading that blog tonight I came across this comment by a person named Dawn:

"The Steve situation is a touchy one. I know because I was in the same sort of situation quite a few years back and was given the same "don't want to hurt her" line. I am now going through a divorce to that same person. I have to say this......"Once a cheater, always a cheater". "

That comment struck home I guess, cos it's something he and I used to discuss - that he was probably going to do exactly the same thing to the 'piece on the side' as he had done to me, eventually. What does that do to a relationship - when you go into it with that thought in your head? I don't think it's a very healty way to start a relationship.

Interesting too, that the writer of the blog has come to realise that, due to consistent lying by the male (to both her and the wife), that she will NEVER be able to trust him or believe what he says.

It's quite startling at times to read events happening to her that have happened to me, and had things said to her that were said to me ..."I don't love her but I care about her a lot".

At times I wish the 'piece on the side' in my history had come to the same point as the blog-author; other times I'm glad I told the unappreciative, inconsiderate, insensitve user/abuser that he shouldn't live here anymore.



Sometimes it's just nice to know you're not the only person in the world who thinks certain things, I guess it's a kind of validation.

Toooo Hot!

Sorry folks - it's just too damn hot, it's not conducive to me sitting at the computer for long as there's no air con in this room.

38 degrees yesterday and 42 degrees today - at 4.30 in the afternoon. By 7.30 it was only down to 37. Very pleased to see a forecast of only 29 for tomorrow.

Maybe I'll write more then.

A Pic and Anyone Else Recognize The Prez?

Pic First (hope it doesn't take too long to load)
Here's a pic from the trip with our gf that I mentioned about three posts ago ... we were dressed identically, other than the bodystockings we wore underneath our (rather revealing) dresses that we had bought at Sexpo, really 'vamped it up' that night - long black nails, matching neck chokers (that she had made) and earings. We had such a hoot that night, I think there were a few amused (and envious), or was it confused? people in the bar watching on, probably trying to work out who was with whom - there were whistles when it was just me and her on the dancefloor!
(Note: We didn't usually draw so much attention to ourselves as a threesome out in public, but we were on holiday, on the other side of the country).






BattleStar Galactica
Anyone else recognize The President in this miniseries? Once the Presidents' wife, now she gets the be The President - and not just of the US like in Independance Day!

It's Friday ....

and in this house that means it's Pizza night. It used to also be Bourbon night, but it just feels wrong/weird to drink by myself (whether the kids are here or at their dads).

The good thing about getting pizza when I'm by myself is that it lasts three meals :) - don't have to worry about what's for lunch over the weekend. AND it costs only $6.00 - three meals for $6.00 woohoo, oh, plus about $4.00 if I buy a large Coke.

Restraint
I showed much restraint this afternoon. After leaving work I headed to Officeworks. This is on the list of Most Dangerous Shops for Noala to Visit ... particularly alone! Officeworks is particularly dangerous for me cos of the combination of stationary and technology.

I've had a 'thing' for stationary since I was little, used to spend all my pocket money on pencils, erasers, writing pads, sharpeners etc.

But I was very good today. I bought the one thing for which I specifically ventured into this Hall of Temptation (stationary item to do with the preparation of my book - something I ran out of last night), and only one extra thing, which cost less than $10.00. Came out with my credit card intact too. I did carry something else around the aisles with me for a while, but realised it was a spontaneous purchase and put it back *proud look*.

Hmm maybe after this display of ability to resist temptation it might be safe for me to visit Bunnings (for the non Aussies, it's a hardware/homeware/garden store) or a nursery this weekend ... what do you think, dare I?

What's on your 'Most Dangerous Shop' to visit list? (Please add the type of store as well as the name, since others might not be familiar with the store name).

Forefront of My Mind and Memories

Well he certainly knows how to keep himself in the forefront of my mind!

(Edit: The post below has nothing to do with the above statement)


Another Memorable Event
Preparing the e-mails and MSN logs for the book makes me look at past events with a different mind. This is good; one of the reasons I wrote the journal (and now the blog) is so that I can look back on the events described at a later time with a different 'eye', and that's certainly been happening.

Re-reading an MSN conversation with a friend (that goes back to before the shite started happening) I was reminded of a particular time with our previous 'third'.

We had taken her on a holiday with us (all expenses paid by us). The journey involved a late night flight and one-night stop over in a city before continuing on to our final destination.

He and she were well known for having sex when she woke up, which was usually early - around 6am (when she stayed at our place we all slept in the same bed together). Neither he nor I used to be early risers, but he would often wake, have sex (which usually woke me, I'm known for being a fairly 'light' sleeper, and it's abit hard not to be woken up when there are two people having sex right next to you in bed), then she'd get up and he (and I) would go back to sleep. Sometimes he and I would have sex too, before going to sleep, but he knew I was not really a morning person, so often we would just go back to sleep.

We arrived at the stop-over city very tired (sleeping on planes wasn't any of our fortes), and had a nap (all sleeping in the same bed as usual I think) then all went out to explore the city. Went to bed that night, still all rather tired, and yup, she woke early and they had sex. We continued on our journey to our destination and arrived there about lunch-time.

We explored all around, still feeling rather weary, but had a good day and evening.

Our room had two queen size beds because it was what the hotel required we do with three adults in the same room. We hadn't intended using the other bed a lot, but when we arrived discussed that maybe one person (ie one of the females) might sleep alone on occassion. (Primarily her as she had physical problems that sometimes caused sleep problems, and that she was an early riser and we weren't).

She fell asleep fairly early that night (as she sometimes did), in the bed that we'd unofficially nominated as the one we would all sleep in.

When preparing for bed I said to my partner that I was going to sleep in the 'other' bed that night, as I was really tired and didn't want to be woken up in the morning by them having sex - I said I really needed a good night's sleep. (Half the fun of holidays is sleeping as long as you damn well want!)

But no, he said, I don't want you to sleep in the other bed, sleep here with me, I promise you we won't have sex, I won't do it.

So, of course I slept in the bed with them. And of course she woke early, enticed him awake and they had sex, and their motion woke me.

I was furious. I had tried to do the right thing by all of us, so as to get the good nights' sleep I needed, and they could do their thing without fear of waking me.

I dressed and left the room simply hissing at him that he had promised me he wouldn't. I returned to an empty room quite some time later and had a nap.

Things were a little tense for a while that day, after they returned, but by the evening things were fine and dandy again - and I *think* (can't be positive) that she slept in the other bed that night, so I got my good nights sleep at last (the third night after having left home).

The rest of the holiday went well, with us alternating between all sleeping together or her in the other bed. I can't recall whether I ever slept in the other bed by myself - maybe I did, maybe I didn't.


Hindsight
When I remember events like this I find myself wondering whether this was a sign, whether at that point he was already not feeling 'that way' about me. But I don't believe that's true - otherwise why cajole me to join him in the bed? - he obviously wanted me there. It wasn't as if I was feeling left out, 'put out', 'shoved to one side', neglected, or anything like that, to be sleeping in the other bed - it was my idea!


A couple of days after he dropped his bombshell at the beginning of August 02 (that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore), I thanked him for having pretended for so long (12 months of more of having sex with me but not really wanting to); he said it wasn't that he didn't want to have sex with me, just that it didn't feel the way it had before (ie earlier on in the relationship).

Don't know why I bother trying to work out when it started feeling that way for him (ie not 'that way' anymore). Maybe it's natural to want to know, so as to try work out what 'went wrong'.

Maybe in going through the scads (oh goodness, that's a word our 'third' used to use, not a word I've read in ages - guess it's cos I've been thinking of her, smiled a fair bit looking back through our online discussions) of history I'll find a pattern, something that will show me; and then again maybe not - he's proven to be a good pretender, to more than just me.

Queer as Folk Has Ended, Guardian, Book and Journal

I hadn't realised that last week's episode was the last of season 4. Damn, now I'll have to wait at least 6 months til there's anymore. Oh well, at least it shows I've progressed some, in that I can watch the show again without bursting into tears or needing to leave the room (or switch it off).

The Guardian has disappeared from the screen also, ever since the week Jerry Orbach (of Law and Order fame) died.

So, that leaves me with very little in the way of black box viewing.

No matter, gives me time to work on my book I guess.

I've made a few posts on the Original Journal blog. I think getting the 'book' together in tandem with doing that is a good idea. It's a bit awkward with the e-mails though, am trying to print them with the original e-mail at the top with the replies following underneath. Requires a bit of fiddling as all three of us 'top post', and there are sometimes more than one reply to the one original e-mail.


Someone was up late last night.

Increase Your Site Traffic ..

If you want to increase the number of visitors to your site just mention the person I talked about in my last post. My traffic has increased about threefold since that post!

Outback Jack/Vadim Dale

He chose the one I hoped he would. Guess it's cemented even more now that I've read that one year later (since the show was filmed) they are still together.



Hello to various visitors.