Forefront of My Mind and Memories

Well he certainly knows how to keep himself in the forefront of my mind!

(Edit: The post below has nothing to do with the above statement)


Another Memorable Event
Preparing the e-mails and MSN logs for the book makes me look at past events with a different mind. This is good; one of the reasons I wrote the journal (and now the blog) is so that I can look back on the events described at a later time with a different 'eye', and that's certainly been happening.

Re-reading an MSN conversation with a friend (that goes back to before the shite started happening) I was reminded of a particular time with our previous 'third'.

We had taken her on a holiday with us (all expenses paid by us). The journey involved a late night flight and one-night stop over in a city before continuing on to our final destination.

He and she were well known for having sex when she woke up, which was usually early - around 6am (when she stayed at our place we all slept in the same bed together). Neither he nor I used to be early risers, but he would often wake, have sex (which usually woke me, I'm known for being a fairly 'light' sleeper, and it's abit hard not to be woken up when there are two people having sex right next to you in bed), then she'd get up and he (and I) would go back to sleep. Sometimes he and I would have sex too, before going to sleep, but he knew I was not really a morning person, so often we would just go back to sleep.

We arrived at the stop-over city very tired (sleeping on planes wasn't any of our fortes), and had a nap (all sleeping in the same bed as usual I think) then all went out to explore the city. Went to bed that night, still all rather tired, and yup, she woke early and they had sex. We continued on our journey to our destination and arrived there about lunch-time.

We explored all around, still feeling rather weary, but had a good day and evening.

Our room had two queen size beds because it was what the hotel required we do with three adults in the same room. We hadn't intended using the other bed a lot, but when we arrived discussed that maybe one person (ie one of the females) might sleep alone on occassion. (Primarily her as she had physical problems that sometimes caused sleep problems, and that she was an early riser and we weren't).

She fell asleep fairly early that night (as she sometimes did), in the bed that we'd unofficially nominated as the one we would all sleep in.

When preparing for bed I said to my partner that I was going to sleep in the 'other' bed that night, as I was really tired and didn't want to be woken up in the morning by them having sex - I said I really needed a good night's sleep. (Half the fun of holidays is sleeping as long as you damn well want!)

But no, he said, I don't want you to sleep in the other bed, sleep here with me, I promise you we won't have sex, I won't do it.

So, of course I slept in the bed with them. And of course she woke early, enticed him awake and they had sex, and their motion woke me.

I was furious. I had tried to do the right thing by all of us, so as to get the good nights' sleep I needed, and they could do their thing without fear of waking me.

I dressed and left the room simply hissing at him that he had promised me he wouldn't. I returned to an empty room quite some time later and had a nap.

Things were a little tense for a while that day, after they returned, but by the evening things were fine and dandy again - and I *think* (can't be positive) that she slept in the other bed that night, so I got my good nights sleep at last (the third night after having left home).

The rest of the holiday went well, with us alternating between all sleeping together or her in the other bed. I can't recall whether I ever slept in the other bed by myself - maybe I did, maybe I didn't.


Hindsight
When I remember events like this I find myself wondering whether this was a sign, whether at that point he was already not feeling 'that way' about me. But I don't believe that's true - otherwise why cajole me to join him in the bed? - he obviously wanted me there. It wasn't as if I was feeling left out, 'put out', 'shoved to one side', neglected, or anything like that, to be sleeping in the other bed - it was my idea!


A couple of days after he dropped his bombshell at the beginning of August 02 (that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore), I thanked him for having pretended for so long (12 months of more of having sex with me but not really wanting to); he said it wasn't that he didn't want to have sex with me, just that it didn't feel the way it had before (ie earlier on in the relationship).

Don't know why I bother trying to work out when it started feeling that way for him (ie not 'that way' anymore). Maybe it's natural to want to know, so as to try work out what 'went wrong'.

Maybe in going through the scads (oh goodness, that's a word our 'third' used to use, not a word I've read in ages - guess it's cos I've been thinking of her, smiled a fair bit looking back through our online discussions) of history I'll find a pattern, something that will show me; and then again maybe not - he's proven to be a good pretender, to more than just me.