The thoughts presented in the 'Always' post are part of my self-analysis. In particular, it's about trying to work out why I keep thinking of/about him so constantly.
Yes, it's partly because of what's going on right now (things I haven't written about), but I think it's also because of the things that I wrote in that post.
We had a very different to the 'norm' relationship, there's no way I could possibly forget it.
It wasn't written as a romantic/gushy post, nor, as I'm sure ONE person will think, to stir things/people up.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Always
For the rest of my days I will carry him with me, regardless of whatever happens. This is based on the premise that we are the sum of (or, at the very least, influenced by) our experiences.
He has been involved in 20% of my life - pretty hard not to have been influenced in some way by a person who has been in your life that long.
Who I was/had become by mid-2002 was partially the result of him having been part of my life.
Who I am today is even more so than then; not simply because of the passage of time, rather it is more because he has had a stronger influence on the evolution of me in that time.
Influenced in that we are quite different in some aspects, have different values. Being in close quarters with someone with differing values to yourself allows (maybe forces?) you to examine your own values and decide whether they are appropriate for you still. Sometimes his influence makes me firmer in belief in my values, other times his influence makes me (try to) change my values to ones that are (hopefully) healthier, more appropriate. Sometimes it's not because of the other persons' values, but because of experiences that occured that might not have occurred if with a different partner. e.g. I've become more open minded as a result of things we've done/places we've been during our relationship. Our history shapes us.
He, and the experiences he has brought to me, the history we created, has helped shape who I am, and therefore means he will always be a part of me.
I guess that means I will always be a part of him too.
He has been involved in 20% of my life - pretty hard not to have been influenced in some way by a person who has been in your life that long.
Who I was/had become by mid-2002 was partially the result of him having been part of my life.
Who I am today is even more so than then; not simply because of the passage of time, rather it is more because he has had a stronger influence on the evolution of me in that time.
Influenced in that we are quite different in some aspects, have different values. Being in close quarters with someone with differing values to yourself allows (maybe forces?) you to examine your own values and decide whether they are appropriate for you still. Sometimes his influence makes me firmer in belief in my values, other times his influence makes me (try to) change my values to ones that are (hopefully) healthier, more appropriate. Sometimes it's not because of the other persons' values, but because of experiences that occured that might not have occurred if with a different partner. e.g. I've become more open minded as a result of things we've done/places we've been during our relationship. Our history shapes us.
He, and the experiences he has brought to me, the history we created, has helped shape who I am, and therefore means he will always be a part of me.
I guess that means I will always be a part of him too.
Monday, March 21, 2005
I'm Back; Disjointed Jottings
Restricted access to the blog has been removed.
I will post a pic of the mango tree soon (for Kim), it's only a small tree and not terribly impressive but it does the job - I just wish we hadn't planted it so close to the fence (fruit goes missing before it's anywhere near ripe). I've picked two more mangoes but they're not quite ready to eat yet.
Many thoughts going through my head.
My son turns 17 on Wednesday, it's kind of eeeeekkkkk! and yayyyyyy (we made it this far) all at the same time.
I will post a pic of the mango tree soon (for Kim), it's only a small tree and not terribly impressive but it does the job - I just wish we hadn't planted it so close to the fence (fruit goes missing before it's anywhere near ripe). I've picked two more mangoes but they're not quite ready to eat yet.
Many thoughts going through my head.
My son turns 17 on Wednesday, it's kind of eeeeekkkkk! and yayyyyyy (we made it this far) all at the same time.
Friday, March 11, 2005
YUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
I just ate the first mango of the season from my tree. It was small but absolutely delicious. I'm burping mango burps now.
There are 8 more on the tree - two large and the rest medium to smallish sizes; can't wait!!
(Trying very hard to NOT remember what we used to do with mangoes)
There are 8 more on the tree - two large and the rest medium to smallish sizes; can't wait!!
(Trying very hard to NOT remember what we used to do with mangoes)
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Silly Me .... (again!)
(No headache this morning from last nights' wine!)
Why do we have to wear clothes? Buying them is such a pain in the rear :(
Yes, I have tried to go clothes shopping again. Again mistakenly thinking that because I had put on some weight that I might be able to find some clothes that actually fit.
Of course I was wrong yet again.
Patches
I bought a packet of step 2 patches tonight; I'm going to wear them on the weekends, and try sticking with the lozenges during the week.
I think the prob for me with the lozenges is that you feel like having a cigarette and have to choose between having a smoke or grabbing a lozenge. Most of the time (when at home) the cigarette wins out - partly because it's such an automatic action that you don't always realise you've lit one up.
With the patches I didn't really feel like having a cigarette - so it doesn't get to the point of having to make a conscious decision NOT to have a smoke; so much easier.
I'll have to see how this combo of patches and lozenges goes.
Other
My dropped bundle of last week seems to have picked itself up a little, there is still some fight left in me yet despite a bad start to the week at work and 'interesting' things happening in regards to other matters :). Maybe it was the hair-letting-down of last night that did it.
Why do we have to wear clothes? Buying them is such a pain in the rear :(
Yes, I have tried to go clothes shopping again. Again mistakenly thinking that because I had put on some weight that I might be able to find some clothes that actually fit.
Of course I was wrong yet again.
Patches
I bought a packet of step 2 patches tonight; I'm going to wear them on the weekends, and try sticking with the lozenges during the week.
I think the prob for me with the lozenges is that you feel like having a cigarette and have to choose between having a smoke or grabbing a lozenge. Most of the time (when at home) the cigarette wins out - partly because it's such an automatic action that you don't always realise you've lit one up.
With the patches I didn't really feel like having a cigarette - so it doesn't get to the point of having to make a conscious decision NOT to have a smoke; so much easier.
I'll have to see how this combo of patches and lozenges goes.
Other
My dropped bundle of last week seems to have picked itself up a little, there is still some fight left in me yet despite a bad start to the week at work and 'interesting' things happening in regards to other matters :). Maybe it was the hair-letting-down of last night that did it.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
To My Wonderful Readers ...
Those of you who comment, I would appreciate your thoughts..
When I reply to a comment you've made, where is the best place to do it .... in the same comments section here on my blog, via a comment over on your blog (if you have one), by e-mail (if I can find your e-mail addy, my comments don't seem to let you put it in there), or in a post?
Like Old Times ...
Tonight was kind of like old times, had a great chat online with a friend with whom I haven't chatted in ages, during which I had three (yes count them, three) glasses of wine and smoked at the computer ( my bad, I know, bloody lozenges/patches).
Now it's time to get all sensible and responsible again and go to bed, panadol at the ready for the morning, cos thats what wine does to me; put the old Noala back in the box, she doesn't belong in the real world that the dawn brings.
Stupidity/Irresponsibility ....
continues.
When I reply to a comment you've made, where is the best place to do it .... in the same comments section here on my blog, via a comment over on your blog (if you have one), by e-mail (if I can find your e-mail addy, my comments don't seem to let you put it in there), or in a post?
Like Old Times ...
Tonight was kind of like old times, had a great chat online with a friend with whom I haven't chatted in ages, during which I had three (yes count them, three) glasses of wine and smoked at the computer ( my bad, I know, bloody lozenges/patches).
Now it's time to get all sensible and responsible again and go to bed, panadol at the ready for the morning, cos thats what wine does to me; put the old Noala back in the box, she doesn't belong in the real world that the dawn brings.
Stupidity/Irresponsibility ....
continues.
Her Dream?
I wonder what happened to her dream of becoming a police officer? That's what she was aiming for when I first met her.
She commented now and then about doing occassional fitness things (allegedly in preparation for the test to join the academy).
Mind you, I don't think she really has the right character to be a law enforcement officer; I don't think someone who encourages another to break the law/a court order is really the kind of person I'd want as my local copper. Hehehehe then again maybe she'd fit right in considering all the corruption!
She commented now and then about doing occassional fitness things (allegedly in preparation for the test to join the academy).
Mind you, I don't think she really has the right character to be a law enforcement officer; I don't think someone who encourages another to break the law/a court order is really the kind of person I'd want as my local copper. Hehehehe then again maybe she'd fit right in considering all the corruption!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Just a Little Bit Longer...
Oh Won't You Staaayyyy....
Another dream of him one or two nights ago, and it's definately not cos of the nicotine patches cos I haven't worn a patch for over a week:
I'm returning something of his to him (no idea what it is/was), it should be a short visit, but he keeps on delaying me, telling me things about the business, how it's going, keeps continuing on the conversation more than is required; it's obvious to me that he wants me to stay there simply so he can talk with me.
The dream reminded me particularly of his visit in November. After receiving SMS's and phone call(s) from her (after he'd been here for hmm about 2 hours I think) he said he should leave because he feared that she was going to come over (her having been here for a visit by herself earlier that same evening) if he stayed, and he didn't want there to be yelling and shouting, particularly because my children were home. (see note below)
As we walked down the driveway toward his car he received another message. He stopped walking and said something along the lines of 'she's not coming now', he half turned (as if to head back down the drive to the house), but I just kept walking forward.
He wanted to stay longer.
Note: She later commented that he obviously didn't care whether her children were home or not as he often yelled and shouted at/with her (ie fighting) when her children were there. Interesting isn't it - does it mean he doesn't care whether her kids hear/see them fight, or that he didn't want my children to have a negative experience of her. I think both are possible; in regards to the first he most likely just doesn't even think about it ... he just isn't a people person and wouldn't even think of it, particularly in the heat of the moment, and from what they've both said their arguments are rather heated.
No Bike Ride Today
Whilst I was very proud of myself in that I set my alarm half an hour earlier last night, so I could get up early and decide whether to go for a ride, I was NOT proud of myself when I woke this morning LATE as I'd forgotten to actually turn the alarm ON doh!
Grrr I dislike starting my day rushing; it was a portent for the rest of the day - yucky yucky yucky.
Another dream of him one or two nights ago, and it's definately not cos of the nicotine patches cos I haven't worn a patch for over a week:
I'm returning something of his to him (no idea what it is/was), it should be a short visit, but he keeps on delaying me, telling me things about the business, how it's going, keeps continuing on the conversation more than is required; it's obvious to me that he wants me to stay there simply so he can talk with me.
The dream reminded me particularly of his visit in November. After receiving SMS's and phone call(s) from her (after he'd been here for hmm about 2 hours I think) he said he should leave because he feared that she was going to come over (her having been here for a visit by herself earlier that same evening) if he stayed, and he didn't want there to be yelling and shouting, particularly because my children were home. (see note below)
As we walked down the driveway toward his car he received another message. He stopped walking and said something along the lines of 'she's not coming now', he half turned (as if to head back down the drive to the house), but I just kept walking forward.
He wanted to stay longer.
Note: She later commented that he obviously didn't care whether her children were home or not as he often yelled and shouted at/with her (ie fighting) when her children were there. Interesting isn't it - does it mean he doesn't care whether her kids hear/see them fight, or that he didn't want my children to have a negative experience of her. I think both are possible; in regards to the first he most likely just doesn't even think about it ... he just isn't a people person and wouldn't even think of it, particularly in the heat of the moment, and from what they've both said their arguments are rather heated.
No Bike Ride Today
Whilst I was very proud of myself in that I set my alarm half an hour earlier last night, so I could get up early and decide whether to go for a ride, I was NOT proud of myself when I woke this morning LATE as I'd forgotten to actually turn the alarm ON doh!
Grrr I dislike starting my day rushing; it was a portent for the rest of the day - yucky yucky yucky.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Weight
I seem to have gained weight recently; I haven't gotten on the scales but in the shower there is more of me in places, and my jeans are getting tighter-fitting.
I put this down to my go-slow on smoking - not that I've been pigging out, but my metabolic rate will have slowed (smoking speeds it up) and I haven't been any more active than usual (ie no exercise at all, other than a few hours in the garden each weekend).
I'm not complaining (yet!), more weight is something I could do with; I may even think about wearing a bra again.
I'm spotting too - no idea what's up with that (sorry if it's TMI, need to record it though).
Visiting an Old Haunt
Partly due to the weight gain and partly just cos I've been thinking of doing it recently, I went for a bike ride this morning. Prepped the bike yesterday as it's an eon since I've ridden it (well maybe not an eon, but more than two years).
I rode to the park, the one where I used to go to cry (so that he wouldn't have to hear or see me crying), the one where we used to go together, with the kids.
I didn't stay long, I couldn't stay long. Maybe I'll try another day.
I like the idea of going for a ride in the morning, but I don't like the idea of getting up half an hour earlier to do it; am too tired when I get home from work to do it then, and there's more traffic around then too.
Memories
The bike brought back memories (of course, almost everything does) - him getting all 'gung ho' about biking and bike gear when he'd lost his licence and was riding to her place. The fight we had in Target about the most expensive tooll kit on the shelf for the bike - me knowing he would only be gung ho about the bike for the few weeks it took to get his extraordinary licence.
Fat lot of good the tool kit did him, when the bike broke it was something that had to be done in the shop/a replacement part required. And of course as soon as he had his extraordinary licence he stopped riding the bike to her place.
I remember being worried that he might have an accident (bikes always come off second best to a car), especially if he was overdue. Most the time he would SMS me to let me know he had arrived safely. That time he wasn't in the bed with me when I woke in the morning I was so scared he had had an accident (he hadn't said he was going to be all night, just that it would be late), was laying broken and hurt somewhere, or in a hospital.
Smoking
I need to go back to patches, am doing hopelessly with the lozenges on the weekend/at night. The only thing that saves me during the day is that I don't take cigarettes to work anymore.
I seem to have gained weight recently; I haven't gotten on the scales but in the shower there is more of me in places, and my jeans are getting tighter-fitting.
I put this down to my go-slow on smoking - not that I've been pigging out, but my metabolic rate will have slowed (smoking speeds it up) and I haven't been any more active than usual (ie no exercise at all, other than a few hours in the garden each weekend).
I'm not complaining (yet!), more weight is something I could do with; I may even think about wearing a bra again.
I'm spotting too - no idea what's up with that (sorry if it's TMI, need to record it though).
Visiting an Old Haunt
Partly due to the weight gain and partly just cos I've been thinking of doing it recently, I went for a bike ride this morning. Prepped the bike yesterday as it's an eon since I've ridden it (well maybe not an eon, but more than two years).
I rode to the park, the one where I used to go to cry (so that he wouldn't have to hear or see me crying), the one where we used to go together, with the kids.
I didn't stay long, I couldn't stay long. Maybe I'll try another day.
I like the idea of going for a ride in the morning, but I don't like the idea of getting up half an hour earlier to do it; am too tired when I get home from work to do it then, and there's more traffic around then too.
Memories
The bike brought back memories (of course, almost everything does) - him getting all 'gung ho' about biking and bike gear when he'd lost his licence and was riding to her place. The fight we had in Target about the most expensive tooll kit on the shelf for the bike - me knowing he would only be gung ho about the bike for the few weeks it took to get his extraordinary licence.
Fat lot of good the tool kit did him, when the bike broke it was something that had to be done in the shop/a replacement part required. And of course as soon as he had his extraordinary licence he stopped riding the bike to her place.
I remember being worried that he might have an accident (bikes always come off second best to a car), especially if he was overdue. Most the time he would SMS me to let me know he had arrived safely. That time he wasn't in the bed with me when I woke in the morning I was so scared he had had an accident (he hadn't said he was going to be all night, just that it would be late), was laying broken and hurt somewhere, or in a hospital.
Smoking
I need to go back to patches, am doing hopelessly with the lozenges on the weekend/at night. The only thing that saves me during the day is that I don't take cigarettes to work anymore.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Thankyou
To Nic and Telafree for your prescriptions. I might get to follow the doctors orders on hmmm maybe Sunday night (as it's a long weekend here this weekend) .... though P and I have to have a serious discussion with the kids on Monday. Hmmmm.
So methinks I'll have to skip the wine, tv/vid (there's no tv in my bedroom), book (I haven't read an entire book in over two years) ... in with the chips and maybe I'll take the kids CD player upstairs and put some classical stuff on (haven't listened to the radio or current music for over two years either- other than the 5 minutes when the alarm goes in the morning).
Then again maybe it will have to wait until the following weekend - even though I tell them it's not about them, I know that on the few occassions that I've taken 'alone' time when they're here that the kids think it's cos of something they've done ... and with the serious discussion to occur on Monday that will seem to be the case to them. And even if they don't think I need to be alone cos of them, they just feel bad when they see me needing to run away from the world; I think it's cos they feel badly for me, wishing they could help, that there was something they could do .. but there's not of course.
I don't want them to feel bad, that's not fair on them, they don't deserve that. Guess it just adds more guilt onto me too ... yep looks like it wont be until the following weekend.
See, part of the old Noala is still here ... one of the parts that I've learned is not always in my own best interest - the part that puts others ahead of me.
So methinks I'll have to skip the wine, tv/vid (there's no tv in my bedroom), book (I haven't read an entire book in over two years) ... in with the chips and maybe I'll take the kids CD player upstairs and put some classical stuff on (haven't listened to the radio or current music for over two years either- other than the 5 minutes when the alarm goes in the morning).
Then again maybe it will have to wait until the following weekend - even though I tell them it's not about them, I know that on the few occassions that I've taken 'alone' time when they're here that the kids think it's cos of something they've done ... and with the serious discussion to occur on Monday that will seem to be the case to them. And even if they don't think I need to be alone cos of them, they just feel bad when they see me needing to run away from the world; I think it's cos they feel badly for me, wishing they could help, that there was something they could do .. but there's not of course.
I don't want them to feel bad, that's not fair on them, they don't deserve that. Guess it just adds more guilt onto me too ... yep looks like it wont be until the following weekend.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Go Away World
Tonight I feel like curling up in a ball in my bed and forgetting/ignoring the fact that there is a world in which I have to participate and have responsibilities to meet.
I know that it's the trouble times, the struggle times, in life that are supposed to make us stronger/better/wiser .... but I only have so much fight in me, a lot of the times only sufficient to make it through a 'normal' day.
Yes I'll still get up tomorrow, take the kids to school, go to work and all the other stuff I do - I just really wish that tomorrow I could pull the covers over my head and just hide from the world instead.
I know that it's the trouble times, the struggle times, in life that are supposed to make us stronger/better/wiser .... but I only have so much fight in me, a lot of the times only sufficient to make it through a 'normal' day.
Yes I'll still get up tomorrow, take the kids to school, go to work and all the other stuff I do - I just really wish that tomorrow I could pull the covers over my head and just hide from the world instead.
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