This really struck a chord with me ..
"High maintenance people often have unrealistic expectations of what a friendship should be. The dynamic is usually unbalanced with the high maintenance friend getting all their needs and wants met - and you getting nothing in return." (from The Sunday Times 18 September 2005).
I have felt that this is what has been happening in my relationship with a certain person.
At times when I am feeling that way I often stop myself and think .. but if they are a friend shouldn't I be giving them my support when they need it? The answer is, of course, yes. But the thing that stops me from berating myself for having been a bad friend is that I have not been getting anything back from the relationship - just being asked to give and give and give (or at least, that's how it feels to me).
Friendships, I think, are a two way street, aren't they?
And then I think 'but surely that is selfish", you don't be someone's friend (or do a good deed) because of what you will get back/in the expectation of getting something back.... that doesn't seem the right way to go about things to me, (in a business relationship/association then yes, probably; but not in a personal relationship) .... and so sometimes I do end up berating myself for not having been a good friend, for having (eventually) withdrawn support.
I end up thinking I must be a bad person if that's the way I view a friendship (ie viewing a friendship from the 'what's in it for me' perspective).
So I was then heartened to read, under "how to handle your high maintenance friend" the following:
"Friendships are characterised by mutual enpathy and support."
That is not happening in this particular relationship, and it is precisely because that is missing that I end up in the selfish/expectation/bad friend conversation with myself, which makes me end up feeling that maybe I am a bad person afterall.
Friendship is meant to be a two way street.
It seems that the newspaper had a message for me today, and I am confident again that I am not a bad person.
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1 comment:
no, not a bad person...not at all.
friendship has to have a balance. it cant always be a two way street...because we each have times where we just have nothing to give, but if its always all one way, then its time to move on.
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