About Me
I wondered and wandered down the road of 'am I like that?' and quickly came to the conclusion that I'm not. I don't just see/talk to my friends to bemoan my present/past circumstance; we talk about all kinds of stuff, sometimes I'm an ear for their trials and tribulations, sometimes they're an ear for mine. We ask each other opinions regarding each others' circumstances. No, I am not like that.
About That Friendship
My mind also meandered down the line of thought of 'could I be friends with that person/a person who has been like that again?'.
The answer was yes (though there would have to be a 're-balancing' of give and take).
Which made me wonder whether the other person would want to do that.
And I think the answer is yes. Is this just my ego/some kind of self-inflated view of myself saying that?
No.
It has been stated on quite a number of occassions that my friendship is/has been wanted, and not just the kind of 'friendship' (and I use the term loosely here) that it has been. That has not been possible, or acted upon (by the other party), for one reason.
So, could we be friends again? Yes.
The next big question is, of course, do I want to be friends again? Now there's a question...
On Self Analysis
And whilst weeding away, feeling the warmth of the sun on my back, self-analysing as I bottomed my way around the lawn, I came to think:
"What has all this navel-gazing gotten me; is it helping me?"
In some ways the answer is no-where. In other ways the answer is some-where.
I am more aware of what kind of person I am. I am more aware of what I value.
I also know that these things, whilst often my greatest strengths, can be my greatest downfalls/dangers to my own well-being.
I am more aware of not allowing anothers' needs to inappropriately subsume mine.
This is a good thing for my well-being.
Does it mean I have changed a lot? No. This is the reason for which I sometimes berate myself/feel I have not progressed much; sometimes feel that with the knowledge of who I am, and that this can lead to bad things, that maybe I should change.
Which lead me back to a thought I typed quite a long time ago ... 'but how do you change who you are?'
I am the kind of person I am, and my analysis still leads me to believe that who I am is not a 'bad' person. What I need to be keenly aware of is that I don't allow that to make me vulnerable to being abused (read: 'used'). (I seem to remember typing that quite a long time ago too. That doesn't bother me, to have taken so long and come to the same conclusion)
That means I live my life very 'quietly'; don't mix much, keep to 'safe' people. There are worse things in life...
Hmmm... still back at the 'it's too dangerous to let the real me out' stage it would seem. Maybe that's one reason some people join a nunnery/convent, maybe that's one reason people become recluses.
Is it right? Is it wrong? ... I don't know; it's just how it is.
Another entirely different question is why I self-analyse so much. But I'll leave that for another post.
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