It was interesting going back over the conversation last night, primarily as there were lines of conversation I hadn't seen whilst in the midst of it. Either he was typing at the same time as me (and not looking at the screen until hitting send/return, and therefore seeing what I'd typed) or he was typing and sending at a rather fast rate and I didn't notice the screen jump. Note to self: open the chat window to BIG next time so as not to miss anything.
He is going to see a mutual friend one night this week. Although I doubt that I/him and me will be a topic of conversation I advised that he was no longer trying to be friends with me - primarily so that the friend isn't hoodwinked about how things stand between us.
I think it's good that he is trying to mend that bridge. I hope he turns out to be a better 'friend'/business associate (if that happens) with this person than he has been in the past - I hope he isn't just using them again.
More on the conversation later.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
The Gecko Lives :)
Saw the gecko again today - it had gotten into the bath (maybe seeking a drink?) and couldn't get out.
Looks so ungainly with no tail. I helped it out of the bath and put it on top of the high cupboard in the bathroom (am thinking maybe it likes the humidity in there).
Haven't seen it again since then, and it's no longer on top of the cupboard.
Looks so ungainly with no tail. I helped it out of the bath and put it on top of the high cupboard in the bathroom (am thinking maybe it likes the humidity in there).
Haven't seen it again since then, and it's no longer on top of the cupboard.
More Grey Matter required...
So many things in those last two conversations keep coming back to me.... think I need to spend some time tonight sifting through it and sorting it out; then maybe it will stop being on my mind so much.
Friday, October 28, 2005
It's A Beautiful Day!
Perth Metropolitan Forecast
Wonderful day in Perth today and it's Friday to boot!
The cat did not have gecko al fresco the other week - saw him/her recently, looks so strange without the tail poor thing.
Wonderful day in Perth today and it's Friday to boot!
The cat did not have gecko al fresco the other week - saw him/her recently, looks so strange without the tail poor thing.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
History Repeats ....
It's been a week of history repeating itself, as far as he is concerned at least.
Still Thinks I'm Evil/Devious/Up To Mischief
I mentioned in this post that I'd told him it hadn't been me making phantom calls to his 'gf' back in July (he had made the accusation in comments - now deleted - on the blog when it was active at its old home). He initially said it 'didn't matter anymore'.
Two days later however, he brought the issue up again, asking why I had waited until now to tell him rather than then. I explained it - that there was no way either of them would have believed me then, and he and I hadn't been on speaking terms until just recently either. It was obvious he didn't believe me and that he felt I had some sinister reason for the timing. I think he believes I told him now in an attempt to put V in a bad light/try make him not like her ....
I had meant to mention it the night he came here (cos there was no one else to go to and he needed a friend - his words), but he was in a fragile state that night and the conversation didn't really come around to that kind of stuff; the one time I thought to say it I didn't get to do so and the conversation then moved on to something else.
Did I keep it to myself until now for sinister reason? No; it's a very simple truth (which he admitted) that we have not been on speaking terms since he came to see me at the end of May.
This querying about that matter showed me that he still believes I am devious, sly and cunning and purposely trying to harm his 'relationship' with her.
'Improper' Reasons Behind the Legal Action
I say improper because to me his reasons for the legal action are improper. He confirmed this to me in May when he came and saw me and told me the real reason why he wanted me to just 'hand back' the Deed. I felt almost embarrassed for him when he told me.
On Monday, it seemed to me, he confirmed to me again that his reasons for the legal action (in regards to the property settlement) are not actually based on the details of the property settlement but are to do with his relationship with V and, what he perceives as, my 'meddling' in their relationship.
What makes me say this? After having told me for many months now that he has no money, he made an offer (mentioned in the post below this one you're reading ) that didn't involve me paying him money, didn't involve me handing over certain assets, but did involve him making repayments to me if I did 'somethings' and would sign a confidentiality/non-disclosure agreement.
The only things in that I can think he would have been talking about are me taking down the blog/not posting, not initiating contact with her (which I haven't done in gawd knows how long), not answer her questions if she should contact me (which is generally what has happened moreso than me initiating contact with her) .. and not tell her that I had made such an agreement with him and perhaps even not allowed to tell anyone that he was making repayments again.
My reply was very simple - "you've said you can't make the repayments so that doesn't make any sense..."
I'd be a fool to accept that kind of offer - a promise of payments when all he has done for about 12 months is tell me that he hasn't any money? Yeah riiiighhhtt - I saw it as simply putting myself under his control and most likely still not receive any payments!
This, and the conversation we had on Tuesday night, which didn't touch on either the Deed or property settlement issues, but continued on in the vein of why do I write the blog, how could I do such a thing? confirmed to me that the reason for the legal action is his way of getting back at me ie is not really about 'unfairness' of the property settlement or the Deed in or of themselves.
Separating Personal and Business
He cannot separate personal issues and business issues. He tried to say that to me the web site and personal issues are all related to the Deed and the settlement, that I had them all intertwined and couldn't separate them out but, in response to me saying it was him who seemed to think they were all related, he said for him they are not .. one is personal and the other is business.
If that is true though, why is it that he stopped making payments under the Deed immediately after he and she had a(nother) big fight, both came to see me, asked me questions/for information about personal issues ("If he asked would you have him back?" "Please take the blog down"). It seems to me that it is he who brings the two (personal and business) together - uses one (the Deed - business) to 'get back at me' for perceived damage I have caused in regards to the other (his/our - I mean the three of us - interactions -ie personal).
Same Old Conversations
So much of it was just the same old things over again ... him asking me the same questions that he has asked, and I've answered, for the whole of the preceeding three years. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't interested in having those old conversations for the umpteenth time.
I tried to explain it by telling him that I saw no point in answering questions again, that I have answered in the past, as it was obvious that regardless of what I said to him he continued to think of me/my motives the same way he has for the last two+ years. That I had realised it didn't matter what I said that he would never change his mind about me, but that he still seemed to be trying to change my mind about him/her/my motives etc. He wants to hear me say that I post for mischievious reasons - but I wont say that because it isn't true!
Of Course It's All The Blogs' Fault
And throughout the last conversation it kept coming back to the blog - why do I have a blog, why not a paper diary, that I only post purposely to cause mischief for him ...same ol' same ol'
My Adherence to What's Right
Of course my strong sense and need to do what is 'right' is a big problem for him. To quote:
In Denial About His Behaviour
He stated that he hadn't lied to me since he had left - when I replied with one example he sked was that all? ... I didn't have the time, nor inclination, to ennumerate them all. He does not see that it his own behaviour that has caused his problems - trying to paint a picture of being trustworthy (to a certain person) when that is precisely what he wasn't being!
I did think briefly whether I was doing the same thing - but with all the self-analysis and discussions with close ones that I've had I really don't think I'm in denial about my own actions/motives; I don't think I have anything to be in denial about.
He denied that he has tried to control me. A classic example of him trying to control me is when he lied to me in May to make me feel sorry for him - words from his very own mouth!
Tooooo Many Movies for Him!
I almost gagged at his ending messages (this was in MSN) - he said he is like Luke (ie Starwars) who still believes there is good in me, that he will go quietly into the night, that he still believes in light and hope, and that it doesn't come too late for me ... but I was a Good Girl (TM) and didn't make any facetious remarks.
How sad, that he doesn't realise that life is not like the movies. It's a bit strange that he'd quote that kind of movie really 'cos he always liked the non-typical movies, like Arlington Street, in which the good people all die and the baddie gets away ....
And of Course...
he said he wouldn't 'bother' me anymore, apologised for contacting me, that he wont be back again.
How many times have I heard that before - too many times to ever believe that it's true.
Where To Now St Peter? (to quote a song)
He said he's not going to fight me about the Deed - I replied that was a wise decision (because he has no legal leg to stand on), and later that he would let the judge decide the other matter.
Yet just two weeks ago he said that after the last lot of money he deposited in his lawyers trust fund that there was 'no more' ... meaning no more money available for legal fees; so how is it that he is going to take this to the Supreme Court? Where will he get $15K from? Their Counsels' opinion was that the matter could go either way (which tells me they do not have as strong a case as he intimated to me recently(, whereas my Counsels' opinion was that he has no basis for a claim.
So is he going to risk $15K that he hasn't got, and very well end up having to pay my costs too (this isn't Family Court where each party pays their own costs)?
Possibly he will, just for the frustration and financial burden it will cause me.
Still Thinks I'm Evil/Devious/Up To Mischief
I mentioned in this post that I'd told him it hadn't been me making phantom calls to his 'gf' back in July (he had made the accusation in comments - now deleted - on the blog when it was active at its old home). He initially said it 'didn't matter anymore'.
Two days later however, he brought the issue up again, asking why I had waited until now to tell him rather than then. I explained it - that there was no way either of them would have believed me then, and he and I hadn't been on speaking terms until just recently either. It was obvious he didn't believe me and that he felt I had some sinister reason for the timing. I think he believes I told him now in an attempt to put V in a bad light/try make him not like her ....
I had meant to mention it the night he came here (cos there was no one else to go to and he needed a friend - his words), but he was in a fragile state that night and the conversation didn't really come around to that kind of stuff; the one time I thought to say it I didn't get to do so and the conversation then moved on to something else.
Did I keep it to myself until now for sinister reason? No; it's a very simple truth (which he admitted) that we have not been on speaking terms since he came to see me at the end of May.
This querying about that matter showed me that he still believes I am devious, sly and cunning and purposely trying to harm his 'relationship' with her.
'Improper' Reasons Behind the Legal Action
I say improper because to me his reasons for the legal action are improper. He confirmed this to me in May when he came and saw me and told me the real reason why he wanted me to just 'hand back' the Deed. I felt almost embarrassed for him when he told me.
On Monday, it seemed to me, he confirmed to me again that his reasons for the legal action (in regards to the property settlement) are not actually based on the details of the property settlement but are to do with his relationship with V and, what he perceives as, my 'meddling' in their relationship.
What makes me say this? After having told me for many months now that he has no money, he made an offer (mentioned in the post below this one you're reading ) that didn't involve me paying him money, didn't involve me handing over certain assets, but did involve him making repayments to me if I did 'somethings' and would sign a confidentiality/non-disclosure agreement.
The only things in that I can think he would have been talking about are me taking down the blog/not posting, not initiating contact with her (which I haven't done in gawd knows how long), not answer her questions if she should contact me (which is generally what has happened moreso than me initiating contact with her) .. and not tell her that I had made such an agreement with him and perhaps even not allowed to tell anyone that he was making repayments again.
My reply was very simple - "you've said you can't make the repayments so that doesn't make any sense..."
I'd be a fool to accept that kind of offer - a promise of payments when all he has done for about 12 months is tell me that he hasn't any money? Yeah riiiighhhtt - I saw it as simply putting myself under his control and most likely still not receive any payments!
This, and the conversation we had on Tuesday night, which didn't touch on either the Deed or property settlement issues, but continued on in the vein of why do I write the blog, how could I do such a thing? confirmed to me that the reason for the legal action is his way of getting back at me ie is not really about 'unfairness' of the property settlement or the Deed in or of themselves.
Separating Personal and Business
He cannot separate personal issues and business issues. He tried to say that to me the web site and personal issues are all related to the Deed and the settlement, that I had them all intertwined and couldn't separate them out but, in response to me saying it was him who seemed to think they were all related, he said for him they are not .. one is personal and the other is business.
If that is true though, why is it that he stopped making payments under the Deed immediately after he and she had a(nother) big fight, both came to see me, asked me questions/for information about personal issues ("If he asked would you have him back?" "Please take the blog down"). It seems to me that it is he who brings the two (personal and business) together - uses one (the Deed - business) to 'get back at me' for perceived damage I have caused in regards to the other (his/our - I mean the three of us - interactions -ie personal).
Same Old Conversations
So much of it was just the same old things over again ... him asking me the same questions that he has asked, and I've answered, for the whole of the preceeding three years. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't interested in having those old conversations for the umpteenth time.
I tried to explain it by telling him that I saw no point in answering questions again, that I have answered in the past, as it was obvious that regardless of what I said to him he continued to think of me/my motives the same way he has for the last two+ years. That I had realised it didn't matter what I said that he would never change his mind about me, but that he still seemed to be trying to change my mind about him/her/my motives etc. He wants to hear me say that I post for mischievious reasons - but I wont say that because it isn't true!
Of Course It's All The Blogs' Fault
And throughout the last conversation it kept coming back to the blog - why do I have a blog, why not a paper diary, that I only post purposely to cause mischief for him ...
My Adherence to What's Right
Of course my strong sense and need to do what is 'right' is a big problem for him. To quote:
"I just think that you will alwys do what you think is right at any cost even ifI said that requests for changes were not made when I thought that the request was wrong (ie that the request should not even have been made) or made for the wrong reason (which, to my mind, has been the case almost all the time with him), and that I knew that what I think of as 'right' is different to what others think of as being 'right'.
it casues problems for other people and requests for change are ignored
becasue you thin you are right."
In Denial About His Behaviour
He stated that he hadn't lied to me since he had left - when I replied with one example he sked was that all? ... I didn't have the time, nor inclination, to ennumerate them all. He does not see that it his own behaviour that has caused his problems - trying to paint a picture of being trustworthy (to a certain person) when that is precisely what he wasn't being!
I did think briefly whether I was doing the same thing - but with all the self-analysis and discussions with close ones that I've had I really don't think I'm in denial about my own actions/motives; I don't think I have anything to be in denial about.
He denied that he has tried to control me. A classic example of him trying to control me is when he lied to me in May to make me feel sorry for him - words from his very own mouth!
Tooooo Many Movies for Him!
I almost gagged at his ending messages (this was in MSN) - he said he is like Luke (ie Starwars) who still believes there is good in me, that he will go quietly into the night, that he still believes in light and hope, and that it doesn't come too late for me ... but I was a Good Girl (TM) and didn't make any facetious remarks.
How sad, that he doesn't realise that life is not like the movies. It's a bit strange that he'd quote that kind of movie really 'cos he always liked the non-typical movies, like Arlington Street, in which the good people all die and the baddie gets away ....
And of Course...
he said he wouldn't 'bother' me anymore, apologised for contacting me, that he wont be back again.
How many times have I heard that before - too many times to ever believe that it's true.
Where To Now St Peter? (to quote a song)
He said he's not going to fight me about the Deed - I replied that was a wise decision (because he has no legal leg to stand on), and later that he would let the judge decide the other matter.
Yet just two weeks ago he said that after the last lot of money he deposited in his lawyers trust fund that there was 'no more' ... meaning no more money available for legal fees; so how is it that he is going to take this to the Supreme Court? Where will he get $15K from? Their Counsels' opinion was that the matter could go either way (which tells me they do not have as strong a case as he intimated to me recently(, whereas my Counsels' opinion was that he has no basis for a claim.
So is he going to risk $15K that he hasn't got, and very well end up having to pay my costs too (this isn't Family Court where each party pays their own costs)?
Possibly he will, just for the frustration and financial burden it will cause me.
Monday, October 24, 2005
A Rather Productive Day...
My belated day off was quite a good one, busy as it was (and as they usually are since I have to do all the running around that I can't do being employed full-time).
Yes, no lazy day off this time, heaps of running around to do, as well as washing and ironing (bad thing about warm weather is that my warm weather clothes are of the type that need to be ironed gahhh)
Thunderbolt got some driving time in; less than 9 hours to go of the 25 hour log book now.
Losing My Mind
I seem to be good at forgetting appointments lately :( have missed two in four days :(
The doctors' receptionist made me feel so bad that I haven't yet rebooked an appointment - this is not particularly good as there are some tests I need done and I need a jab.
She made me feel so bad that I'm thinking of changing doctors (although I don't really want to do that). Yes, it was my fault that when my RDO was bumped that I forgot to cancel/change my appointment, but sheeesh
The other appointment wasn't as crucial - Qetesh needs annual vaccination, have rebooked that one for Saturday.
Flea Update
The house has been bombed and everything in sight washed and vaccumed. Flea numbers on Qetesh last night were NIL!!!!!!!!!! Maybe (cross your fingers for me) the major part of the fight is won. I know, have to watch for the eggs hatching though YUK!!!!!!!!
Legal Update
The other side have also gotten a Counsels Opinion. He has an appt with his lawyer tomorrow. I'm not hopeful that it will be commensurate with the opinion my side received as it appears to me there is a major matter of fact that he doesn't realise is as important as it is. Methinks his lawyer has perhaps missed it as well (whether purposely or not, unknown). If that is the case then the right info won't have been passed onto the Counsel and the opinion will be in his favour and he will think once again that I'm the one being nasty and stubborn.
Made noises today about a settlement that would include me receiving monies but in return for me doing 'somethings' (unstated) and confidential/non-disclosure ... which to me points in only one direction; a direction I don't know whether I'm willing to go (as it probably involves deception/secrets). I told him if he had an offer to make he should do so via his lawyer.
Got part way through writing him an e-mail tonight, things I want him to know ... how I haven't been doing the 'nasty'/hardball things my lawyer advised me to do and other such stuff, that I've met my responsibilities and I simply want him to meet his. I guess I want him to know that I have been 'kinder' than I have needed to be throughout this; I don't think he realises that (he just seems to do what his lawyer tells him, eg leaving the caveat on my house was the lawyers idea). I didn't send it.
He retold me how bad he is feeling about her having rejected him, then of course said he shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff with me.
Verdict - legal stuff=wait and see, still/again.
Yes, no lazy day off this time, heaps of running around to do, as well as washing and ironing (bad thing about warm weather is that my warm weather clothes are of the type that need to be ironed gahhh)
Thunderbolt got some driving time in; less than 9 hours to go of the 25 hour log book now.
Losing My Mind
I seem to be good at forgetting appointments lately :( have missed two in four days :(
The doctors' receptionist made me feel so bad that I haven't yet rebooked an appointment - this is not particularly good as there are some tests I need done and I need a jab.
She made me feel so bad that I'm thinking of changing doctors (although I don't really want to do that). Yes, it was my fault that when my RDO was bumped that I forgot to cancel/change my appointment, but sheeesh
The other appointment wasn't as crucial - Qetesh needs annual vaccination, have rebooked that one for Saturday.
Flea Update
The house has been bombed and everything in sight washed and vaccumed. Flea numbers on Qetesh last night were NIL!!!!!!!!!! Maybe (cross your fingers for me) the major part of the fight is won. I know, have to watch for the eggs hatching though YUK!!!!!!!!
Legal Update
The other side have also gotten a Counsels Opinion. He has an appt with his lawyer tomorrow. I'm not hopeful that it will be commensurate with the opinion my side received as it appears to me there is a major matter of fact that he doesn't realise is as important as it is. Methinks his lawyer has perhaps missed it as well (whether purposely or not, unknown). If that is the case then the right info won't have been passed onto the Counsel and the opinion will be in his favour and he will think once again that I'm the one being nasty and stubborn.
Made noises today about a settlement that would include me receiving monies but in return for me doing 'somethings' (unstated) and confidential/non-disclosure ... which to me points in only one direction; a direction I don't know whether I'm willing to go (as it probably involves deception/secrets). I told him if he had an offer to make he should do so via his lawyer.
Got part way through writing him an e-mail tonight, things I want him to know ... how I haven't been doing the 'nasty'/hardball things my lawyer advised me to do and other such stuff, that I've met my responsibilities and I simply want him to meet his. I guess I want him to know that I have been 'kinder' than I have needed to be throughout this; I don't think he realises that (he just seems to do what his lawyer tells him, eg leaving the caveat on my house was the lawyers idea). I didn't send it.
He retold me how bad he is feeling about her having rejected him, then of course said he shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff with me.
Verdict - legal stuff=wait and see, still/again.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Comparison
I find it quite odd (and a few other adjectives as well) that she compares herself to me...
He told me that he had her help with the business at times, and that she would comment that I was better than her at that, that she didn't do it as well as I had done.
Weird.
Note to self: She reads/used to read the blog (ie the old one) when she was at his place so that I wouldn't know that she was reading it!
He told me that he had her help with the business at times, and that she would comment that I was better than her at that, that she didn't do it as well as I had done.
Weird.
Note to self: She reads/used to read the blog (ie the old one) when she was at his place so that I wouldn't know that she was reading it!
I Could Stop Reading Relationship Columns..
..and perhaps I should, 'cos quite often it just shows me the differences between their relationship and how ours used to be.
Todays' is a prime example... Sunday Times 23/10/05 - 10 Key Factors in a healthy relationship:
"This is an edited extract from How To Snap Out Of It! A User's Guide To Getting Unstuck by Toby Green ? Penguin 2005"
Copyright Sunday Times
Todays' is a prime example... Sunday Times 23/10/05 - 10 Key Factors in a healthy relationship:
1 shared values
Values are your beliefs defining what you deem to be ethical and morally acceptable behaviour, including the importance you place on honesty, trustworthiness, fidelity, integrity, work ethic, religious beliefs and the meaning of family.
2 commitment versus loveThis one really gets to me because we purposely didn't base our relationship on 'love'. Problem was in the end I was committed but he wasn't.
People in healthy relationships know the difference between love
and commitment. They know that love ebbs and flows. Instead of love there can be "not love", even hate, anger, resentment or boredom. Love can get buried
and be temporarily inaccessible. These people know this doesn't mean anything significant or spell the end. Couples capable of understanding this know the love beneath will eventually come back.
3 shared interestsYup, definately had that.
These create companionship. They can be a passion for anything from camping, movies or travel to stamp collecting. They're what one person would do if they were alone, but that person feels more enriched by having someone to share it with.
4 fight fairWhilst we didn't necessarily do really well on this one I think we did better than they ever did.
Conflict indicates that both parties are willing to stick up for their point of view. "Communication breakdown" usually means an inability to resolve conflict. In healthy relationships couples know how to stick to the issue with the intention of getting it resolved instead of sticking to the argument with the intention of punishing the person committing the "crime".
5 shared goalsWe had this.
Healthy couples discuss their relationship. They know beforehand each other's opinion on lifestyle, whether to have children, how much money they'll need, how they'll invest that money. These goals can be fluid and change as they change. They have a mutual goal: sharing the journey towards an agreed-upon destination.
6 being themselvesThis one is huge. He said to me just the other week that he can't be who he is with her, that he has to be someone else. I've known that from almost the start. It wasn't that way here.
Successful couples decide that whatever negative characteristics the other encompasses, these are acceptable. They're willing to compromise on what's missing for the more important qualities they do have. Bliss is being honoured for who you are.
7 best friends
In strong relationships there is no secret, vulnerability or fear that can't be expressed safely and met with understanding. Best friends would rather know the truth about the impact they are having on each other, even if it stings and calls for change. Best friends not only love each other but defend, protect, and are loyal to each other. To accept each other, they don't need to agree.
8 sexuality
Many couples enjoyed "chandelier sex" when they first got together. But in time, other subtleties and enrichments get added or subtracted. No matter the frequency, positions or passion, healthy couples communicate, and accommodate each other as much as possible.
9 compromise versus prostitutionMaybe I go too far in the compromise stakes, but in their relationship that is most definately true - he has to do all the compromising, which isn't really compromising is it (when the other party never compromises).
People in successful relationships are willing to compromise. But they also know themselves well enough to know the line beyond which they will refuse to participate in anything that forces them to prostitute themselves.
10 radiating easeWe definately radiated 'ease'. I can't speak for them, well not when they were 'stable', maybe because 'stable' never lasted very long.
Healthy couples make you feel at ease. Their inner wellbeing transmits a sense of sanity, safety and maturity. Visualise a relationship that embraces these qualities.
Healthy role models are an invaluable guide.
"This is an edited extract from How To Snap Out Of It! A User's Guide To Getting Unstuck by Toby Green ? Penguin 2005"
Copyright Sunday Times
Saturday, October 22, 2005
A Rather Busy Day
I've had a busy day ...Did the grocery shopping, at which I bought some flea bombs for the house.
Set off the flea bombs and headed off to my friends' house to do his books. In his moving of computers the data file had gone missing so I had to come back home, duck the flea bomb gas and get a copy of the file then return.
Spent about 4 hours doing his books and was quite pleased with the amount I got done - it was three months worth of data entry and bookkeeping. Almost finished it, probably about an hour at the most before it will be finished.
Then came home and had to open up the house to air it well before my mum returned, as she suffers from allergies and currently has a lung infection and I didn't want to make it worse than it already is by fumigating her as well as the house.
As I type my bedsheets are in the washing machine and my bed freshly made (again).
The house does smell, but it isn't too bad and isn't a terribly unpleasant smell at least.
'Him' stuff under the cut ...
Have been thinking about his situation, and it really isn't quite as bad as when he left me, for two reasons:
1. At least she seems happy. When he left me he wasn't happy, I know cos he would tell me.
2. They're not living together, so he doesn't have to see the object of his desire in his face every day.
hmm I think I may have typed that stuff before, oh well.
Told him this morning that it wasn't me making the 'phantom' phone calls to his gf back in July when he implied I was doing so.
He/she still visiting the old blog reasonably regularly.
Set off the flea bombs and headed off to my friends' house to do his books. In his moving of computers the data file had gone missing so I had to come back home, duck the flea bomb gas and get a copy of the file then return.
Spent about 4 hours doing his books and was quite pleased with the amount I got done - it was three months worth of data entry and bookkeeping. Almost finished it, probably about an hour at the most before it will be finished.
Then came home and had to open up the house to air it well before my mum returned, as she suffers from allergies and currently has a lung infection and I didn't want to make it worse than it already is by fumigating her as well as the house.
As I type my bedsheets are in the washing machine and my bed freshly made (again).
The house does smell, but it isn't too bad and isn't a terribly unpleasant smell at least.
'Him' stuff under the cut ...
Have been thinking about his situation, and it really isn't quite as bad as when he left me, for two reasons:
1. At least she seems happy. When he left me he wasn't happy, I know cos he would tell me.
2. They're not living together, so he doesn't have to see the object of his desire in his face every day.
hmm I think I may have typed that stuff before, oh well.
Told him this morning that it wasn't me making the 'phantom' phone calls to his gf back in July when he implied I was doing so.
He/she still visiting the old blog reasonably regularly.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Fleas :(
The cat was infested with fleas, now the house has them :(
I can see I will be spending all weekend doing a stupid amount of cleaning :(
I can see I will be spending all weekend doing a stupid amount of cleaning :(
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
It's Working!!
Off Topic Stuff First...
One hour round trip to the office cos something went wrong and the alarm never got set tonight ... oh well.
The Code The Code, It's Working!!
Well, in a manner of speaking ...
When a post is first published the entire post is showing (which it isn't meant to do). If I then click on the read more link, then on the hide post link it then displays as it should do.
Better than nothing!
One hour round trip to the office cos something went wrong and the alarm never got set tonight ... oh well.
The Code The Code, It's Working!!
Well, in a manner of speaking ...
When a post is first published the entire post is showing (which it isn't meant to do). If I then click on the read more link, then on the hide post link it then displays as it should do.
Better than nothing!
Grrr Bloody Code!!!!!!!!
Bah and grrrrrr I can't get this damn expandable posts code to work :(
Some thoughts about his situation have occured to me. His situation is better than mine was because:
1. They aren't living together, so he doesn't have it 'in his face' every hour/day that she is 'rejecting' him.
2. He said she seems happy without him. He used to say to me that if I truly loved him that I would be happy to see him happy ... the only problem with that was that he was so very obviously not happy after he left; but she is happier without him (at least on the outside), he at least has that.
Some thoughts about his situation have occured to me. His situation is better than mine was because:
1. They aren't living together, so he doesn't have it 'in his face' every hour/day that she is 'rejecting' him.
2. He said she seems happy without him. He used to say to me that if I truly loved him that I would be happy to see him happy ... the only problem with that was that he was so very obviously not happy after he left; but she is happier without him (at least on the outside), he at least has that.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Let's Try This Again
OK I'm trying the template change again, where I can do a 'read more' thing... sooo
this should not be visible unless you clicked!
this should not be visible unless you clicked!
Crows and Geckos
Had a frustrating time last night with CSS and trying to add the 'Read more..' thing to my posts since some of them are long, so I didn't get to post the following tidbits...
Crows Cuisine
Who'd have thunk it? Crows like avocados. I know cos I've watched them take two off my tree and they come back every couple of days to continue eating them. I don't mind as long as they don't start taking off more fruit than they are eating.
Gecko
I discovered a gecko in my house just over a week ago (this is a good thing), but I don't know what shape he/she is now in.
Reason being I found the Qetesh eating a gecko's dismembered (and still flicking) tail on the stair over the weekend. Am hoping the rest of the gecko is still intact, haven't seen it though :(
Crows Cuisine
Who'd have thunk it? Crows like avocados. I know cos I've watched them take two off my tree and they come back every couple of days to continue eating them. I don't mind as long as they don't start taking off more fruit than they are eating.
Gecko
I discovered a gecko in my house just over a week ago (this is a good thing), but I don't know what shape he/she is now in.
Reason being I found the Qetesh eating a gecko's dismembered (and still flicking) tail on the stair over the weekend. Am hoping the rest of the gecko is still intact, haven't seen it though :(
Monday, October 17, 2005
Silly Road Signs
Seen on the way home from work..
"No lines, do not overtake unless when safe"
So does this mean that once the lines get marked we can overtake when it's not safe?
"No lines, do not overtake unless when safe"
So does this mean that once the lines get marked we can overtake when it's not safe?
Hmmmm It's Not Working
Trying it around the other way now
You shouldn't see this unless you had to click..
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Quizz Thing - A Guardian Angel Watches Over Me
I'm trying out 'expandable' posts ... hopefully this means you don't have to wait for the big pic to load before you see the blog, and only have to see it if you click on the 'Continue reading' link.
Here goes:
A guardian angel watches over you. You are kind,
sweet, and generous. You put others before
yourself and you never let anyone get left
behind. You may be a bit shy at times. When
you are around your friends though, you are fun
and exciting! When you are comfortable you are
able to open up. It's when you are somewhere
unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or around those you
are not familiar with that you are shy. You're
caring and above all loving. You're guardian
angel keeps good watch over you and is always
protecting you.
Here goes:
A guardian angel watches over you. You are kind,
sweet, and generous. You put others before
yourself and you never let anyone get left
behind. You may be a bit shy at times. When
you are around your friends though, you are fun
and exciting! When you are comfortable you are
able to open up. It's when you are somewhere
unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or around those you
are not familiar with that you are shy. You're
caring and above all loving. You're guardian
angel keeps good watch over you and is always
protecting you.
What the Stars Say
In this weekends' astrology column (excerpts from the article in italics with commentary from yours truly):
This is the week of a full moon eclipse. Full moons on their own are often about letting go and moving on. With the full moon eclipse, we are sometimes forced to let go, especially if we've become attached to something that's not right for us.
My immediate thought is how strongly this relates to him and his situation with her.
Eclipses can mark the time when we get shunted back on the right track - whether we like it or not! Toxic situations are detonated out of our lives. It's not always pretty.
Toxic is certainly a word I associate with their relationship. Getting 'shunted back on the right track" - I don't know what that is for him (I don't think he does either).
If you're in a mess, this week's full moon eclipse could help you clean up and get out. Having the intention to sort yourself out is the first step. Meanwhile, if you've already partly moved on, this is a good week for proper closure.
He is certainly in a mess, I know 'cos I saw this week just gone. They've 'moved on' in part by not being together for the last six months (if that's true).
No matter when you were born, if you're going through a difficult time, seek out comfort from people who love you, and try to look for a bright side to any problems.
Hmmm not sure how this applies - it was me from whom he sought 'comfort'.
As mentioned recently, the benefits of eclipses are sometimes wonderfully immediate, and at other times they're not apparent for months (in fact at the time they can feel like hardship). They do eventually become blindingly clear, though.
He definately feels like he's in hardship at present. He doesn't see any benefits at the moment; to me, well at least he can be himself now, not have to be someone he's not just to please her.
Some of the planetary alignments this week are connected to as far back as April 2002 (and up to six months afterwards). If you're suffering this week, ask your soul to surrender to God/the Universe/destiny. Raging against reality causes us pain.
It has seemed to me (in the past at least) that he has been 'raging against reality'. April 2002 hmmmm ... they started getting friendly in May/June that year, and in October that year (6 months after April) is when he said he was leaving me.
Post Immediate Response
My immediate response when reading the column was how aptly it applied to him/him and her, but later in the day I started to think about whether/how it might also apply to me/me and him.
Letting go and moving on from things that aren't right for me certainly seems to apply.
Toxic? I don't think of 'him and me' that way; but maybe I should.
In a mess/sorting yourself out. I don't consider myelf to be in a mess; haven't done for quite a long time. Yes there are frustrations, but I'm not a mess. I certainly have been trying to sort myself out though and feel I have partly already moved on.
In difficulty/seek comfort/look at the bright side - I did find a bright side to the conversation with him the other night (saved myself some lawyer fees), I do seek counsel/comfort of those who love me. I am in a difficult situation (he comes to me for comfort/support even though there are legal issued between us), the quandry about being party to the deception.
Benefits - can see some yes, but also downsides.
Timing - April 2002? I don't think that's when his change in feelings towards me started, I believe, from things he said prior to that time, that they had changed quite some time prior to that. It does encompass the time we parted though.
Prologue
The full moon eclipse affects everyone - it's not just one particular sign that is affected, so yes it does apply to both of us. In analysis I think it is more applicable to his situation than mine.
It may be an interesting week. The eclipse is tomorrow night.
This is the week of a full moon eclipse. Full moons on their own are often about letting go and moving on. With the full moon eclipse, we are sometimes forced to let go, especially if we've become attached to something that's not right for us.
My immediate thought is how strongly this relates to him and his situation with her.
Eclipses can mark the time when we get shunted back on the right track - whether we like it or not! Toxic situations are detonated out of our lives. It's not always pretty.
Toxic is certainly a word I associate with their relationship. Getting 'shunted back on the right track" - I don't know what that is for him (I don't think he does either).
If you're in a mess, this week's full moon eclipse could help you clean up and get out. Having the intention to sort yourself out is the first step. Meanwhile, if you've already partly moved on, this is a good week for proper closure.
He is certainly in a mess, I know 'cos I saw this week just gone. They've 'moved on' in part by not being together for the last six months (if that's true).
No matter when you were born, if you're going through a difficult time, seek out comfort from people who love you, and try to look for a bright side to any problems.
Hmmm not sure how this applies - it was me from whom he sought 'comfort'.
As mentioned recently, the benefits of eclipses are sometimes wonderfully immediate, and at other times they're not apparent for months (in fact at the time they can feel like hardship). They do eventually become blindingly clear, though.
He definately feels like he's in hardship at present. He doesn't see any benefits at the moment; to me, well at least he can be himself now, not have to be someone he's not just to please her.
Some of the planetary alignments this week are connected to as far back as April 2002 (and up to six months afterwards). If you're suffering this week, ask your soul to surrender to God/the Universe/destiny. Raging against reality causes us pain.
It has seemed to me (in the past at least) that he has been 'raging against reality'. April 2002 hmmmm ... they started getting friendly in May/June that year, and in October that year (6 months after April) is when he said he was leaving me.
Post Immediate Response
My immediate response when reading the column was how aptly it applied to him/him and her, but later in the day I started to think about whether/how it might also apply to me/me and him.
Letting go and moving on from things that aren't right for me certainly seems to apply.
Toxic? I don't think of 'him and me' that way; but maybe I should.
In a mess/sorting yourself out. I don't consider myelf to be in a mess; haven't done for quite a long time. Yes there are frustrations, but I'm not a mess. I certainly have been trying to sort myself out though and feel I have partly already moved on.
In difficulty/seek comfort/look at the bright side - I did find a bright side to the conversation with him the other night (saved myself some lawyer fees), I do seek counsel/comfort of those who love me. I am in a difficult situation (he comes to me for comfort/support even though there are legal issued between us), the quandry about being party to the deception.
Benefits - can see some yes, but also downsides.
Timing - April 2002? I don't think that's when his change in feelings towards me started, I believe, from things he said prior to that time, that they had changed quite some time prior to that. It does encompass the time we parted though.
Prologue
The full moon eclipse affects everyone - it's not just one particular sign that is affected, so yes it does apply to both of us. In analysis I think it is more applicable to his situation than mine.
It may be an interesting week. The eclipse is tomorrow night.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
What is Purient Interest?
This was going to be a response to a comment, but it got long so I'm posting it instead.
First, I have to ask the meaning of 'purient interest'? Looking in the dictionary it seems to relate to purity, but I somehow doubt that's what was meant?
Yes he still seems connected to me - else why is it me that is 'the only person' he feels he can come to in his moments of most desperate need?
Untrustworthy? I have to say yes - as I related in the post below this he admitted that he lied to me that prior time we met, in order to manipulate me/my feelings - how could I not think he is untrustworthy? Yet this is the eact opposite of what he is trying to demonstrate to her - it's no wonder to me that that is a losing battle; he doesn't see it that way though (that he has continued to prove his untrustworthiness).
I would prefer to not meet with him here at my house, but I'm not allowed to know where he lives (I guess he fears I will send the bailiff if I know his address), and the things we talk about aren't really suitable for a public place. By the time he calls me he is usually very close by, physically. Meeting at my house makes an 'escape route' rather difficult - mind you I do believe that if I asked him to leave he would do so.
A part of the prob is that I don't know whether I want to be connected to him; I am very ambivalent (which doesn't mean 'couldn't care', but 'can't decide') on that matter; it's a very complex question for me. So many things about it are scarey, but there still seems to be a part of me that wants to keep that connection alive :(
The reasons I think he reads the blog:
* to see what/whether I have written about him/them
* to see what I've written on the above so as to prepare for the excrement that will hit the fan when she has read it and how he can 'work around' that
* just to find out how I am (he said once, long ago, that even if I wasn't in his life in any shape or form that he would still need to know how I was)
* to get a glimpse of the life he once had, and misses
* maybe to try work out whether 'enough water has passed under the bridge' yet?
* to see what impact his actions are having on me (and when I think of that I mean him wanting to 'hurt' me - eg via the legal action)
Do I care that he reads it? I don't have a need for him to read it, I don't write it so that it is here for him to read. I think the only way in which I 'care' whether he reads it is in regards to any backlash that I may suffer as a result (which has happened quite a number of times). I don't particular 'care' whether reading it makes him feel any particular way, cos I don't write it with that intent. I would think that if I 'cared' about the fact that he reads it that I would be more 'careful' about what I write here; but I'm not.
Yes there are things that have not been written (in the old blog) specifically because I know that he (and she) reads it - they've been hidden elsewhere as I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of reading about some of the negative impacts his actions were having on me (pictures in my mind of him sitting there reading and gleefully grinning about the 'misfortunes'/troubles/frustrations he has caused me), and information that could have been 'useful' to him (in both a strategic and purely informational sense) in relation to the legal action.
The 'being party to the deception' issue at the bottom of the 'Curve Ball' post is still bothering me :(
First, I have to ask the meaning of 'purient interest'? Looking in the dictionary it seems to relate to purity, but I somehow doubt that's what was meant?
Yes he still seems connected to me - else why is it me that is 'the only person' he feels he can come to in his moments of most desperate need?
Untrustworthy? I have to say yes - as I related in the post below this he admitted that he lied to me that prior time we met, in order to manipulate me/my feelings - how could I not think he is untrustworthy? Yet this is the eact opposite of what he is trying to demonstrate to her - it's no wonder to me that that is a losing battle; he doesn't see it that way though (that he has continued to prove his untrustworthiness).
I would prefer to not meet with him here at my house, but I'm not allowed to know where he lives (I guess he fears I will send the bailiff if I know his address), and the things we talk about aren't really suitable for a public place. By the time he calls me he is usually very close by, physically. Meeting at my house makes an 'escape route' rather difficult - mind you I do believe that if I asked him to leave he would do so.
A part of the prob is that I don't know whether I want to be connected to him; I am very ambivalent (which doesn't mean 'couldn't care', but 'can't decide') on that matter; it's a very complex question for me. So many things about it are scarey, but there still seems to be a part of me that wants to keep that connection alive :(
The reasons I think he reads the blog:
* to see what/whether I have written about him/them
* to see what I've written on the above so as to prepare for the excrement that will hit the fan when she has read it and how he can 'work around' that
* just to find out how I am (he said once, long ago, that even if I wasn't in his life in any shape or form that he would still need to know how I was)
* to get a glimpse of the life he once had, and misses
* maybe to try work out whether 'enough water has passed under the bridge' yet?
* to see what impact his actions are having on me (and when I think of that I mean him wanting to 'hurt' me - eg via the legal action)
Do I care that he reads it? I don't have a need for him to read it, I don't write it so that it is here for him to read. I think the only way in which I 'care' whether he reads it is in regards to any backlash that I may suffer as a result (which has happened quite a number of times). I don't particular 'care' whether reading it makes him feel any particular way, cos I don't write it with that intent. I would think that if I 'cared' about the fact that he reads it that I would be more 'careful' about what I write here; but I'm not.
Yes there are things that have not been written (in the old blog) specifically because I know that he (and she) reads it - they've been hidden elsewhere as I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of reading about some of the negative impacts his actions were having on me (pictures in my mind of him sitting there reading and gleefully grinning about the 'misfortunes'/troubles/frustrations he has caused me), and information that could have been 'useful' to him (in both a strategic and purely informational sense) in relation to the legal action.
The 'being party to the deception' issue at the bottom of the 'Curve Ball' post is still bothering me :(
Test?
He's checked the blog (going to the old one) twice since we met .... he had been visiting prior to that too.
I wonder whether he is checking it to see if I have written about our meeting, and if so, for what reason?
Is it a 'test' - when he said to me in May that he'd wanted to come and see me he also said he hadn't 'cos he knew I'd write about it in my blog and that, therefore, she would know about it (and that would cause problems).
I want no part of his 'test', I'm not interested in games.
Interesting that he implied he has no interest in what I write, yet he goes to the blog frequently.
I wonder whether he is checking it to see if I have written about our meeting, and if so, for what reason?
Is it a 'test' - when he said to me in May that he'd wanted to come and see me he also said he hadn't 'cos he knew I'd write about it in my blog and that, therefore, she would know about it (and that would cause problems).
I want no part of his 'test', I'm not interested in games.
Interesting that he implied he has no interest in what I write, yet he goes to the blog frequently.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Ah Me, Ah My ... Was This The Curve Ball?
(Yes, it's about him. If you're sick of it just click away now or read the posts below this one)
Feels as though I've done nothing than just put myself up for another fall...
why do I let myself keep doing this?
Because I can't kick someone when they're down. I guess that makes me a good person.
Yes, that means I allowed him to come here and talk with me last night.
I had such mixed emotions when I received the request, then, as is often the case, before I'd been able to decide there was another message, then shortly after that a call ... he was at the corner shop, one block away.
He is exactly where I was when he left me; I couldn't turn him away because I know what a bad and dangerous place that is. He described precisely the way I felt, no enjoyment in doing anything, not able to sit still, can only think about one thing, has lost a lot of weight (which unnamed others have inferred is because of me).
A lot of it was the same old stuff over again, how their relationship is so unbalanced (in her favour) and unfair (on him), and that the insecurity issue is still there and basically behind the thing she does and says, despite 'all' the things he has done. How he did and said a lot of things (to me) simply to appease her/because it was what she said he should do (to show her that he doesn't love me anymore/that she is more important to him than me). That he made so many changes and it was still not enough. That in the end it had all been for nothing.
That to be with her means he cannot be himself. That she makes demands of him, but he is not allowed to make demands of her in return. He has to be other than who is for her to be happy.
That how could a person make certain promises and not keep them, say things and then say that doesn't apply anymore, I don't feel that way anymore. But then that he knows 'how that can be' because that is exactly what he did to me.
That he thinks there must be something wrong with him.
That what goes around really goes around. That this is his karma for having left me.
That the traits he had and had thought were good traits to have, have led him to nothing.
That she just wants to be friends, she wants to go out with other people, and encourages him to go out with other people ... exactly what he said to me back then. But he doesn't want to be just friends.
He talked of the 'Disease to Please'
I gave him none of the platitudes he gave to me - the "you'll be fine, you're strong, time heals all wounds, it'll get easier" things ... because I know they mean nothing. There is nothing that can be said to a person in that position that will make them feel 'better', or even just that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I know.
It was strange and very de ja vu-ish to hear a lot of those words; exact same things I had thought and felt.
Same Ol' Same Ol' Though
He told me that he had lied to me when he last came to see me. Told me he had had to sell some of his most treasured possessions due to his financial situation, to make me feel bad for him, to make me do the thing that he wanted me to do. He said he was sorry he lied to me.
He said that she would be furious if she knew he was here with me. This, even though they've not been together as a couple for six months.
Perhaps it was the admission of the lies that made me think, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, that this is just the same old thing over again; that at some point in the future he will say he shouldn't have come and seen me, shouldn't have said/told me the things he did, that it was wrong of him to come here, that he didn't mean the things he said. And that, despite him saying he would try not to leave it so long until next time (he came to see me), that it will in fact be just the same as before.
I was trembling badly whilst he was here, I don't know what it was .. it wasn't anger. Perhaps it was frustration, or maybe the inner conflict between the 'not being able to kick a man when he's down' and the not wanting to put myself up to be hurt/used again.
I messaged him this morning and he replied, I guess that is one step in the right direction.
Quandry ...
I don't want to be his dirty little secret, I think it's wrong that he should hide that from her (there's a previous post about this back in June I think), because it's exactly what she fears he will do, and although he says he has changed so much for her I have to think 'have you really'? You still want to come and see me behind her back ... doesn't that show that she cannot trust you?
Yes I think it's wrong on her part to make that 'rule' for him .... but he is well aware of it, and has promised her in the past (many times) that he would honour it.
Neither of them appear to have found the blogs' new home - they're still visiting the old blogs home (posts up until I moved it are still there).
If I place this post at the blogs' old home I'm sure he will believe I have done it just to make mischief just to make her angry at him, because I do know that it will upset her to hear that he has been to see me.
Doing so will most likely bring his wrath down upon me once again, and if this was the beginning of maybe thinking about rebuilding a bridge then I'm fairly sure that doing so will wipe that out entirely.
But on the other hand his actions (coming to see me, wanting ot be friends with me) are not in line with the message he is trying to send her (ie that he is trustworthy), and that is deception.
Deception is how it all started, and, I believe (and, from what he said, he agrees), the root of the main issue (her insecurity/lack of trust).
I don't like deception. She doesn't like deception.
By not saying anything I am party to the deception.
Feels as though I've done nothing than just put myself up for another fall...
Because I can't kick someone when they're down. I guess that makes me a good person.
Yes, that means I allowed him to come here and talk with me last night.
I had such mixed emotions when I received the request, then, as is often the case, before I'd been able to decide there was another message, then shortly after that a call ... he was at the corner shop, one block away.
He is exactly where I was when he left me; I couldn't turn him away because I know what a bad and dangerous place that is. He described precisely the way I felt, no enjoyment in doing anything, not able to sit still, can only think about one thing, has lost a lot of weight (which unnamed others have inferred is because of me).
A lot of it was the same old stuff over again, how their relationship is so unbalanced (in her favour) and unfair (on him), and that the insecurity issue is still there and basically behind the thing she does and says, despite 'all' the things he has done. How he did and said a lot of things (to me) simply to appease her/because it was what she said he should do (to show her that he doesn't love me anymore/that she is more important to him than me). That he made so many changes and it was still not enough. That in the end it had all been for nothing.
That to be with her means he cannot be himself. That she makes demands of him, but he is not allowed to make demands of her in return. He has to be other than who is for her to be happy.
That how could a person make certain promises and not keep them, say things and then say that doesn't apply anymore, I don't feel that way anymore. But then that he knows 'how that can be' because that is exactly what he did to me.
That he thinks there must be something wrong with him.
That what goes around really goes around. That this is his karma for having left me.
That the traits he had and had thought were good traits to have, have led him to nothing.
That she just wants to be friends, she wants to go out with other people, and encourages him to go out with other people ... exactly what he said to me back then. But he doesn't want to be just friends.
He talked of the 'Disease to Please'
I gave him none of the platitudes he gave to me - the "you'll be fine, you're strong, time heals all wounds, it'll get easier" things ... because I know they mean nothing. There is nothing that can be said to a person in that position that will make them feel 'better', or even just that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I know.
It was strange and very de ja vu-ish to hear a lot of those words; exact same things I had thought and felt.
Same Ol' Same Ol' Though
He told me that he had lied to me when he last came to see me. Told me he had had to sell some of his most treasured possessions due to his financial situation, to make me feel bad for him, to make me do the thing that he wanted me to do. He said he was sorry he lied to me.
He said that she would be furious if she knew he was here with me. This, even though they've not been together as a couple for six months.
I explained to him why it is that his coming to me makes me feel used - particularly when I asked why it is me that he had come to. He said it was me because he had been so much at peace in the time we were together, so confident, knew where he was going, and that that it why it is me that he comes to. I pointed out that his statement just made me feel even moreso that I was being used, especially because whenever I happened to contact him I either get ignored or verbally abused. He said that it wasn't his intent but that he understood.
I raised the issue of the legal matter (which is continuing) and although he said he didn't want to talk about it (because he didn't want to fight) he did tell me what 'his side' is doing - saved me a phone call to my lawyer, a letter to his lawyer and my lawyer reading their reply; I should be thankful for that much I guess.
Perhaps it was the admission of the lies that made me think, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, that this is just the same old thing over again; that at some point in the future he will say he shouldn't have come and seen me, shouldn't have said/told me the things he did, that it was wrong of him to come here, that he didn't mean the things he said. And that, despite him saying he would try not to leave it so long until next time (he came to see me), that it will in fact be just the same as before.
I was trembling badly whilst he was here, I don't know what it was .. it wasn't anger. Perhaps it was frustration, or maybe the inner conflict between the 'not being able to kick a man when he's down' and the not wanting to put myself up to be hurt/used again.
I messaged him this morning and he replied, I guess that is one step in the right direction.
Quandry ...
I don't want to be his dirty little secret, I think it's wrong that he should hide that from her (there's a previous post about this back in June I think), because it's exactly what she fears he will do, and although he says he has changed so much for her I have to think 'have you really'? You still want to come and see me behind her back ... doesn't that show that she cannot trust you?
Yes I think it's wrong on her part to make that 'rule' for him .... but he is well aware of it, and has promised her in the past (many times) that he would honour it.
Neither of them appear to have found the blogs' new home - they're still visiting the old blogs home (posts up until I moved it are still there).
If I place this post at the blogs' old home I'm sure he will believe I have done it just to make mischief just to make her angry at him, because I do know that it will upset her to hear that he has been to see me.
Doing so will most likely bring his wrath down upon me once again, and if this was the beginning of maybe thinking about rebuilding a bridge then I'm fairly sure that doing so will wipe that out entirely.
But on the other hand his actions (coming to see me, wanting ot be friends with me) are not in line with the message he is trying to send her (ie that he is trustworthy), and that is deception.
Deception is how it all started, and, I believe (and, from what he said, he agrees), the root of the main issue (her insecurity/lack of trust).
I don't like deception. She doesn't like deception.
By not saying anything I am party to the deception.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
The School Ball
T_Mball2005
Originally uploaded by Ladytreemaker.
The school ball was back in May, but I hadn't posted a pic yet of my offspring all dressed up, so here 'tis.
(I need to learn how to make graphics smaller without losing so much quality)
Be Warned ...
I feel a rant coming on ...
But first I will be a Good Girl (TM) and finish banishing the shite from/tidying the kitchen counter.
But first I will be a Good Girl (TM) and finish banishing the shite from/tidying the kitchen counter.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Nighty Night
This interesting tidbit found before bed...
"This is, overall, a week to tread quite carefully in all your relationships, because in addition to the Juno/Pluto factor, there's a tough link from Venus to Uranus, which suggests the possibility of some romantic surprises, not all of them welcome. Once again, those worst hit will be those trying to control someone, to limit their freedom and/or tie them down.
Venus "square" Uranus, which is the link forming now, depicts someone trying to break free from a romantic association which feels restrictive. It's about radical love turnarounds and unconventional relationship arrangements which may suit one partner more than the other."
"This is, overall, a week to tread quite carefully in all your relationships, because in addition to the Juno/Pluto factor, there's a tough link from Venus to Uranus, which suggests the possibility of some romantic surprises, not all of them welcome. Once again, those worst hit will be those trying to control someone, to limit their freedom and/or tie them down.
Venus "square" Uranus, which is the link forming now, depicts someone trying to break free from a romantic association which feels restrictive. It's about radical love turnarounds and unconventional relationship arrangements which may suit one partner more than the other."
Out of the Rough
(No, I'm not a golfer...)
It feels as though I'm in a patch of 'smoothness', evenness, on a straight road at the moment.
I wonder what curve ball is headed my way; there's sure to be one.
It feels as though I'm in a patch of 'smoothness', evenness, on a straight road at the moment.
I wonder what curve ball is headed my way; there's sure to be one.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Big News of The Day
There are now two learner drivers in the family.
Mistyqee took and passed her learners drivers test today!1
These kids are growing up waaaayyyy too fast.
Mistyqee took and passed her learners drivers test today!1
These kids are growing up waaaayyyy too fast.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Just Jeans Just Aint Me No More!
During my week off I decided - spurred on by an unexpected bonus from the tax man - to purchase a replacement pair of jeans; I'd been thinking for a while that my current pair needed replacing anyway, but the extra refund monies definately decided the point.
Those of you who have read my blog for quite a while will know that buying clothes is not something I enjoy doing as I rarely find anything that fits; but not so with jeans.
For the last, ohhh, about 10 years I have been wearing the same style jeans, and buying new ones has been a cinch - walk into the store and say I'll have another pair of these (pointing to the ones I'm wearing) thanks. The only thing that has changed over the years is the size (I could even buy them when I was hellish/anorexically thin.
So in I walk, full of confidence of walking out with a new pair of jeans..... until she says "Oh, we don't make them anymore, we've revamped our range."
WHAT!!!!!!!! Oh shite, this means I have to *choose* jeans .... gak.
The only stretch denims with a 'high waist' (ie a normal waist) were some stripy denim things - I didn't like them.
So I walked out with 'rigid' denim - that's old fashioned denim, like they used to be like when I was a kid - jeans. At least they are 'high waisted' and are all the same colour (I don't go for the jeans that look like you've already washed them for 5 years either).
I'm finding them rather uncomfortable :(. I haven't decided yet whether to take them back. The problem is that if I do that then I'll have to *choose* again.
Sounds like time to try a new jeans store methinks. Damn, there goes the one piece of clothes I could buy without trauma.
Those of you who have read my blog for quite a while will know that buying clothes is not something I enjoy doing as I rarely find anything that fits; but not so with jeans.
For the last, ohhh, about 10 years I have been wearing the same style jeans, and buying new ones has been a cinch - walk into the store and say I'll have another pair of these (pointing to the ones I'm wearing) thanks. The only thing that has changed over the years is the size (I could even buy them when I was hellish/anorexically thin.
So in I walk, full of confidence of walking out with a new pair of jeans..... until she says "Oh, we don't make them anymore, we've revamped our range."
WHAT!!!!!!!! Oh shite, this means I have to *choose* jeans .... gak.
The only stretch denims with a 'high waist' (ie a normal waist) were some stripy denim things - I didn't like them.
So I walked out with 'rigid' denim - that's old fashioned denim, like they used to be like when I was a kid - jeans. At least they are 'high waisted' and are all the same colour (I don't go for the jeans that look like you've already washed them for 5 years either).
I'm finding them rather uncomfortable :(. I haven't decided yet whether to take them back. The problem is that if I do that then I'll have to *choose* again.
Sounds like time to try a new jeans store methinks. Damn, there goes the one piece of clothes I could buy without trauma.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Oh No, Not R.aja's :(
I feel so sad for the people of Bali; they were just getting back to how it used to be.
They're so dependant on tourism for their survival - the 'little' people are mostly who I think about, they are the ones who will be hurt the most.
We used to go to R.aja's restaurant frequently when we were there, they did great satay.
When will the madness end?
They're so dependant on tourism for their survival - the 'little' people are mostly who I think about, they are the ones who will be hurt the most.
We used to go to R.aja's restaurant frequently when we were there, they did great satay.
When will the madness end?
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Introducing Nora
I finished the Gown of Doom!!! Here it is being worn by our new family member Nora, the dressmaking dummy.
I'm very pleased with how it turned out, never having tried to make this type of dress before.
The assistance of the Marzie as cutter-outerer, overlockerer and for general advice was much appreciated.
Mistyqee, for whom the gown was made, absolutely loves it, says that with those sleeves she feels as if she could just float or fly away.
Now to find somewhere/something to which she can wear it.
Think I'll take a break before I make the purple one.
Bye bye holidays.
Grumble ...
Flipping through last weeks' TV guide yesterday I realised I've missed the first episode of this, the last season, of Queer as Folk.
GAAAHHHHHHHH.
I will not miss it this week!
GAAAHHHHHHHH.
I will not miss it this week!
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Way to go Thunderbolt!
Thunderbolt passed his Stage 1 drivers test!!!
I'm so pleased for him. Had prepared him to perhaps not pass the first time, as it seems that many teenagers don't get passed on their first test (personally I've wondered if it's part of trying to reduce the accident rate, particularly for young men).
As it is still school holidays he will be trying to get as many of his 25 hours of log-book driving done in the next week so that he can take his Stage 2 test as soon as possible. Methinks this is so that he will be able to drive (without needing a supervisor) by the time Leavers comes around (which is just over a month away I think).
And so begins a whole new lot of worrying for a mother. Seems to me you never stop worrying about your kids - you just get new/different things to worry about!
But I am really pleased for him :)
New Member of the Family
I 'lashed out' today too - a lashing out of the money kind.
I bought a dressmaking dummy. The hem on the Gown of Doom was giving me the heebee jeebies. It's huge and poor Mistyqee couldn't stand still long enough for me to get the darn thing pinned up straight.
We've named her Nora (combination of my and Mistyqee's names). Thunderbolt is concerned he'll forget about her and get spooked in the night if he catches sight of her out of the corner of his eye.
The hem is now pinned, now I just have to cut off the swathe of excess material, re overlock the edge and sew it up. Then that leaves just the neckline to be done and it will be finished!!
I'm so pleased for him. Had prepared him to perhaps not pass the first time, as it seems that many teenagers don't get passed on their first test (personally I've wondered if it's part of trying to reduce the accident rate, particularly for young men).
As it is still school holidays he will be trying to get as many of his 25 hours of log-book driving done in the next week so that he can take his Stage 2 test as soon as possible. Methinks this is so that he will be able to drive (without needing a supervisor) by the time Leavers comes around (which is just over a month away I think).
And so begins a whole new lot of worrying for a mother. Seems to me you never stop worrying about your kids - you just get new/different things to worry about!
But I am really pleased for him :)
New Member of the Family
I 'lashed out' today too - a lashing out of the money kind.
I bought a dressmaking dummy. The hem on the Gown of Doom was giving me the heebee jeebies. It's huge and poor Mistyqee couldn't stand still long enough for me to get the darn thing pinned up straight.
We've named her Nora (combination of my and Mistyqee's names). Thunderbolt is concerned he'll forget about her and get spooked in the night if he catches sight of her out of the corner of his eye.
The hem is now pinned, now I just have to cut off the swathe of excess material, re overlock the edge and sew it up. Then that leaves just the neckline to be done and it will be finished!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
