Feels as though I've done nothing than just put myself up for another fall...
Because I can't kick someone when they're down. I guess that makes me a good person.
Yes, that means I allowed him to come here and talk with me last night.
I had such mixed emotions when I received the request, then, as is often the case, before I'd been able to decide there was another message, then shortly after that a call ... he was at the corner shop, one block away.
He is exactly where I was when he left me; I couldn't turn him away because I know what a bad and dangerous place that is. He described precisely the way I felt, no enjoyment in doing anything, not able to sit still, can only think about one thing, has lost a lot of weight (which unnamed others have inferred is because of me).
A lot of it was the same old stuff over again, how their relationship is so unbalanced (in her favour) and unfair (on him), and that the insecurity issue is still there and basically behind the thing she does and says, despite 'all' the things he has done. How he did and said a lot of things (to me) simply to appease her/because it was what she said he should do (to show her that he doesn't love me anymore/that she is more important to him than me). That he made so many changes and it was still not enough. That in the end it had all been for nothing.
That to be with her means he cannot be himself. That she makes demands of him, but he is not allowed to make demands of her in return. He has to be other than who is for her to be happy.
That how could a person make certain promises and not keep them, say things and then say that doesn't apply anymore, I don't feel that way anymore. But then that he knows 'how that can be' because that is exactly what he did to me.
That he thinks there must be something wrong with him.
That what goes around really goes around. That this is his karma for having left me.
That the traits he had and had thought were good traits to have, have led him to nothing.
That she just wants to be friends, she wants to go out with other people, and encourages him to go out with other people ... exactly what he said to me back then. But he doesn't want to be just friends.
He talked of the 'Disease to Please'
I gave him none of the platitudes he gave to me - the "you'll be fine, you're strong, time heals all wounds, it'll get easier" things ... because I know they mean nothing. There is nothing that can be said to a person in that position that will make them feel 'better', or even just that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I know.
It was strange and very de ja vu-ish to hear a lot of those words; exact same things I had thought and felt.
Same Ol' Same Ol' Though
He told me that he had lied to me when he last came to see me. Told me he had had to sell some of his most treasured possessions due to his financial situation, to make me feel bad for him, to make me do the thing that he wanted me to do. He said he was sorry he lied to me.
He said that she would be furious if she knew he was here with me. This, even though they've not been together as a couple for six months.
I explained to him why it is that his coming to me makes me feel used - particularly when I asked why it is me that he had come to. He said it was me because he had been so much at peace in the time we were together, so confident, knew where he was going, and that that it why it is me that he comes to. I pointed out that his statement just made me feel even moreso that I was being used, especially because whenever I happened to contact him I either get ignored or verbally abused. He said that it wasn't his intent but that he understood.
I raised the issue of the legal matter (which is continuing) and although he said he didn't want to talk about it (because he didn't want to fight) he did tell me what 'his side' is doing - saved me a phone call to my lawyer, a letter to his lawyer and my lawyer reading their reply; I should be thankful for that much I guess.
Perhaps it was the admission of the lies that made me think, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, that this is just the same old thing over again; that at some point in the future he will say he shouldn't have come and seen me, shouldn't have said/told me the things he did, that it was wrong of him to come here, that he didn't mean the things he said. And that, despite him saying he would try not to leave it so long until next time (he came to see me), that it will in fact be just the same as before.
I was trembling badly whilst he was here, I don't know what it was .. it wasn't anger. Perhaps it was frustration, or maybe the inner conflict between the 'not being able to kick a man when he's down' and the not wanting to put myself up to be hurt/used again.
I messaged him this morning and he replied, I guess that is one step in the right direction.
Quandry ...
I don't want to be his dirty little secret, I think it's wrong that he should hide that from her (there's a previous post about this back in June I think), because it's exactly what she fears he will do, and although he says he has changed so much for her I have to think 'have you really'? You still want to come and see me behind her back ... doesn't that show that she cannot trust you?
Yes I think it's wrong on her part to make that 'rule' for him .... but he is well aware of it, and has promised her in the past (many times) that he would honour it.
Neither of them appear to have found the blogs' new home - they're still visiting the old blogs home (posts up until I moved it are still there).
If I place this post at the blogs' old home I'm sure he will believe I have done it just to make mischief just to make her angry at him, because I do know that it will upset her to hear that he has been to see me.
Doing so will most likely bring his wrath down upon me once again, and if this was the beginning of maybe thinking about rebuilding a bridge then I'm fairly sure that doing so will wipe that out entirely.
But on the other hand his actions (coming to see me, wanting ot be friends with me) are not in line with the message he is trying to send her (ie that he is trustworthy), and that is deception.
Deception is how it all started, and, I believe (and, from what he said, he agrees), the root of the main issue (her insecurity/lack of trust).
I don't like deception. She doesn't like deception.
By not saying anything I am party to the deception.
No comments:
Post a Comment