I Could Stop Reading Relationship Columns..

..and perhaps I should, 'cos quite often it just shows me the differences between their relationship and how ours used to be.

Todays' is a prime example... Sunday Times 23/10/05 - 10 Key Factors in a healthy relationship:

1 shared values
Values are your beliefs defining what you deem to be ethical and morally acceptable behaviour, including the importance you place on honesty, trustworthiness, fidelity, integrity, work ethic, religious beliefs and the meaning of family.

2 commitment versus love
People in healthy relationships know the difference between love
and commitment. They know that love ebbs and flows. Instead of love there can be "not love", even hate, anger, resentment or boredom. Love can get buried
and be temporarily inaccessible. These people know this doesn't mean anything significant or spell the end. Couples capable of understanding this know the love beneath will eventually come back.

This one really gets to me because we purposely didn't base our relationship on 'love'. Problem was in the end I was committed but he wasn't.

3 shared interests
These create companionship. They can be a passion for anything from camping, movies or travel to stamp collecting. They're what one person would do if they were alone, but that person feels more enriched by having someone to share it with.

Yup, definately had that.

4 fight fair
Conflict indicates that both parties are willing to stick up for their point of view. "Communication breakdown" usually means an inability to resolve conflict. In healthy relationships couples know how to stick to the issue with the intention of getting it resolved instead of sticking to the argument with the intention of punishing the person committing the "crime".

Whilst we didn't necessarily do really well on this one I think we did better than they ever did.

5 shared goals
Healthy couples discuss their relationship. They know beforehand each other's opinion on lifestyle, whether to have children, how much money they'll need, how they'll invest that money. These goals can be fluid and change as they change. They have a mutual goal: sharing the journey towards an agreed-upon destination.

We had this.

6 being themselves
Successful couples decide that whatever negative characteristics the other encompasses, these are acceptable. They're willing to compromise on what's missing for the more important qualities they do have. Bliss is being honoured for who you are.

This one is huge. He said to me just the other week that he can't be who he is with her, that he has to be someone else. I've known that from almost the start. It wasn't that way here.

7 best friends
In strong relationships there is no secret, vulnerability or fear that can't be expressed safely and met with understanding. Best friends would rather know the truth about the impact they are having on each other, even if it stings and calls for change. Best friends not only love each other but defend, protect, and are loyal to each other. To accept each other, they don't need to agree.

8 sexuality
Many couples enjoyed "chandelier sex" when they first got together. But in time, other subtleties and enrichments get added or subtracted. No matter the frequency, positions or passion, healthy couples communicate, and accommodate each other as much as possible.

9 compromise versus prostitution
People in successful relationships are willing to compromise. But they also know themselves well enough to know the line beyond which they will refuse to participate in anything that forces them to prostitute themselves.

Maybe I go too far in the compromise stakes, but in their relationship that is most definately true - he has to do all the compromising, which isn't really compromising is it (when the other party never compromises).

10 radiating ease
Healthy couples make you feel at ease. Their inner wellbeing transmits a sense of sanity, safety and maturity. Visualise a relationship that embraces these qualities.
Healthy role models are an invaluable guide.

We definately radiated 'ease'. I can't speak for them, well not when they were 'stable', maybe because 'stable' never lasted very long.

"This is an edited extract from How To Snap Out Of It! A User's Guide To Getting Unstuck by Toby Green ? Penguin 2005"

Copyright Sunday Times