Tonight I feel both crummy and a little proud of myself.
Get a coffee if you're going to plough through this....
Mum and Me
The relationship between me and my mum has improved this year mostly due to the fact that she has spent more time with me and the kids than in any of the preceeding 9 years (ie since I left my husband).
It didn't really start off as being because she wanted it to be that way - she and her boyfriend split up, so she had no-where to stay on Friday nights. I offered that she could stay here, and so she has, just about every week, for the last hmm quite a few months now; she comes, we have pizza together (either just her and me or her, me and the kdis), watch TV/do whatever then go to bed; she gets up and leaves (for her committment) usually before anyone else gets up. On the odd occassion she has stayed more than one night in a week - when she has had other committments here in the city and I knew it would be easier for her to stay here than go home that night.
For me, I wouldn't say that we have 'regained' a mother/daughter relationship, but that we have built a level of respect for each other.
But I do wonder - if she still had the other place to go to, if I hadn't made the (unrequested) offer, would we have seen as much of each other? I don't know the answer.
My Christmas' for The Last 9 Years
Nuclear Family (ie the kids, the ex and me) Christmas':-
As a result of our 'week about' arrangement with the children it happens that one parent has them for about 7 years for Christmas then the other has about 7 years of Christmas' with the kids at their house.
We have, other than the first Christmas (which was only a month after we split up), played Christmas as follows:
4-6am Kids wake (yep, even at aged 15 last year Mistyqee was awake bright an early last year) and get to open their stockings* until the time the parent they're living with has said they're allowed to rouse them (I think it's usually about 7.30 - 8 at my place).
*Yep, main aim of stocking pressies is that it be something to keep them occupied for a while so parents aren't awakened at ungodly hour
8 - 10 Non-resident parent arrives for our (now) traditional breakfast of croissants with ham and cheese, orange juice and hot drink of choosing. Following which someone is nominated as Santa and doles out the pressies under the tree.
10-12 Non-resident parent and kids return to the other house for more pressie opening (and at their dads' place a visit to the best Aunt and Uncle in our kids world)
12ish Kids return to where they are living for lunch, non-resident parent heads off to whatever Christmas lunch/rest of day arrangements they have made for themselves.
I'ts not as rigid as that, we're very relaxed about it.
(Actually we might have spent the second Christmas, after splitting up, at my mums' house), but it was a bit weird, my family didn't really know how to behave with me and my ex in the same room and getting on so well with each other), so it was something we didn't repeat.
My Non-Child Christmas'
As it turned out the kids were at the ex' for the first ohh about 5 Christmas'; it wasn't planned that way, it's just when the day fell in the calendar. When the kids came back with me to my place at about 10 they'd get a pressie from my (then) partner (yes, the rather infamous one whose later actions caused me to need to start writing a journal again), we'd open the 'house' present (he and I started a tradition of buying a present for the 'house' ie for everyone to use .. a playstation, an avalanche machine, a popcorn maker ... that kind of thing) and they would play with their gifts until it was time to go back to dads' for lunch.
I'm not sure in what order, but I think initially my partner would then go have lunch with his parents and I stayed home by myself. Then one year just he and I stayed home and had lunch together, then another year I was invited to his parents for lunch.
My Child-Week Christmas'
Then it started to be the kids weeks with me when Christmas fell, I think that started happening , hmm must be 6 years ago (maybe only 5, not sure what a leap year does to the days). I don't recall my partner being here when my ex came over and we did the nuclear family part of the day, but I guess he must have been here. Then either we had lunch just the four of us (me, the kids and my partner) or perhaps he went to see his family; I don't recall. His bond with the kids by then was quite strong, so I think he probably stayed here.
The next year the four of us (me, my partner and the kids) went to his parents' for lunch. The following year we had them (his parents, sister and I think, his nannas) over here. The next year was after we had split up (but he was still living here), and although we were invited, the kids and I satyed home by ourselves for lunch whilst he went to his parents'.
Last year the kids and I were invited to join my ex at his brother & wifes' house for lunch, and we went.
This year, about a month ago (when this starts being a question people ask 'what are you doing for Christmas'), there had been no invitations and I was thinking that I'd like to just stay home, me and the kids, for lunch this year.
Then mum said she had been offered the ship for Christmas day, and would the kids and I like to have Christmas lunch on the ship? The kids weren't with me that week, and I didn't want to make any arrangements without their input; it was about two weeks before we got around to discussing it.
The Kids Decision
I said it seemed we had perhaps three options for Christmas day:
1. Stay at home just the three of us,
2. Go to the Aunt and Uncles if we received an invitation to do so or
3. Take a picnic lunch to the ship with Marzie.
I told them my preference was the first, but that I would be happy to do whichever one they chose, cos to me Christmas is mostly for them.
They chose either or 2 or 3.
The next time I discussed it with mum she advised that the ship had now been taken by someone else for Christmas Day. (She is doing ship duty as usual on the Saturday, which is Christmas Eve, and will be staying here Friday night as usual - which also happens to be my birthday).
There is yet to be an invitation to the Aunt and Uncles house (they've been overseas on a holiday and it wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't gotten around to making their arrangements yet, having only just returned last week).
So at this point nothing is planned for Christmas.
Curious
I had started to become a curious as to whether mum might ask to stay the night on Christmas Eve, and had started to wonder whether she might want to be involved in our Christmas even though the ship would not be involved.
I discussed it last week with my ex and voiced the above thoughts. He said, and I agreed, that he considered Christmas morning to be for 'us' - just him, me and the kids, and that he didn't really want my mum to be there for that time. He was happy for her to be involved in any other part of the day, and would ask whether she could join us at the Aunt and Uncles if an invitation was forthcoming.
Mum rang earlier this week to say she'd been invited by friends to have Christmas lunch (or was it dinner?) with friends in the town where she lives. I felt a degree of relief I am slightly ashamed to admit, but I was also happy for her.
Feeling Crummy, but Also a Smidge Proud of Myself
Then tonight mum rang again. Towards the end of the conversation she asked whether she might stay the night Christmas Eve so she could be here in the morning, see the kids open their presents. She said it was ok to say no.
I had thought this potential dilemna had passed, and didn't have a prepared reply. I hesitated and ummed and ahhh'd and eventually explained that I had discussed this with the ex, and that this had become 'our' time. I felt badly :(
She was very gracious, said that that was fine and ok, didn't sound put out or disappointed, though I'm sure she felt it.
I feel rather crummy about having said no. With Gran gone and my sister having disassociated mum (due to issues over Grans' will), she wont be seeing any family on Christmas day.
But I also feel a little proud of myself for sticking up for the new 'traditions' that my nuclear family have developed, which were, basically, as a direct result of the fall-out of our marriage break-down (ie mum didn't like me, my sister disowned me. other than that second Christmas I didn't see them on Christmas day at all (not so bad as my birthday is two days prior and I always saw them then anyway, and would exchange Christmas gifts at that time) and they all made their own plans that didn't include me.
Conclusion
Did I do the right thing? I don't know. The right thing for mum, probably not. The right thing for my ex, yes. The right thing for the kids, I don't know. The right thing for me, yes.
So tonight I go to bed with a slightly troubled mind; feeling crummy but tinged with a bit of pride.
2 comments:
I commented! Wee! hehe.
Cool blog, but I'm way too ADD to read this whole entry, hahaha. What I read was good though, keep it up.
Holidays are such complicated creatures. Kudos to you and your ex for making the holidays work for your nuclear family. That in itself is a feat most of us don't get organized so well. As for your mum....I ride both sides of that fence. I feel for her that she asked and had to hear no...its not a fun thing to hear, but I think the fact that you had talked about it with your ex and you have worked out the situation that works best for your family, you made the right decision.
Have a very happy and merry holiday!
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