Nothing
I have been reasonably accomplished at doing nothing again this weekend.
Did grocery shopping, re-hung the fairy lights outside cos they'd fallen down.
Mowed the front and back lawns.
Did washing.
Washed the hallway floor.
Cleaned out the bottom of the pantry cos something (either onions or potatoes) were dieing down there.
OK, so maybe I didn't do nothing; failed again!
Nap
I even tried to have a nap this afternoon - having gotten bored with doing nothing (sleep is a good way to pass boring time), but was unsucessful; sleep wouldn't come.
Sliding Doors
Watched Sliding Doors with mum the other night. It made me think of how things could have gone - what would my sliding doors life have been like? Maybe one day I'll have a go at writing a different ending.
Futility
Whilst laying under the doona this afternoon the thought that I could perhaps start exercising crept into my brain. My body has been in a capable state for quite a while now. I have made a few half hearted attempts at starting an exercise regime.
But then the brain kicks in - why bother to exercise - obvious answer ie to be fitter. (Other than gardening I do nothing physical) But why bother being fitter? So I can sit around doing nothing in a more fit state? To prolong my life? So I look better (trim taut and terrific) - but I'm not trying to catch anyones' attention. None of them are things that I want/need.
Analysis
And then the analytical brain kicked in - and came to the realisation as to what is going on here .... it's my self-esteem battering ram yet again.
It all boils down to - I don't care about myself anymore/still.
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2 comments:
sounds like you are having a rough time inside your head. Big HUGS.
BTDT and don't have the tee-shirt.
I sat down the other day and did a meme in my blog...about REGRETS, forced me to focus on my miseries (like i needed to be forced) but then i took the next step and did some focus work...looking beyond my immediate reaction. made it a bit easier to address the control I did have...and that some of them were MY CHOICE.
I get way bogged down when things keep happening to me...outside my control.
(yes, My name is Cris, and I am a control freak), but when i can accept some of the responsibility for whats happened, then i can see that I CAN change things (doesnt make it easier to do it, but changes the mindset...which is what kills me)
Hang in there.
Go hug on the kids (whether or not they want it, have a hot cup of tea, do something nice for yourself.
more cyberhugs to you
Thanks Cris (look, I remembered no 'h' for a change!), I'll take all the hugs that come my way :)
I'm ok really - it was just such an 'a-ha' moment for me; whilst I've written before that I'm not doing life 'for me' it just hadn't ever quite come to me as "I don't care about me", so I thought to record it.
I saw the meme you mention and thought how great the second half was .. kind of like the saying about realising what you can change (however that goes) and accepting what you can't.
I am suffering from some things out of my control at present; ones that could have a large detrimental affect on my (already small) life. Methinks I might take a leaf out of your book and have a re-look/re-think. I doubt it will have much of an impact on my 'attitude' towards life, but is worth doing nonetheless.
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