This Years' Anniversary

The annual anniversary was yesterday.

So here I am, 46 years of life experience behind me and who knows how many more to come.

On this anniversary:

• My weight is more than my age! (only just, but it *is* more).
• I no longer dye my hair, it is its' natural colour - grey and brown, and I like it.
• I need graduated lenses; will probably get them during this time off, and that's ok - I might even go for contact lenses.
• Both children have finished high school, one has his licence and the other soon will join the rest of us mad buggers on the road.
• My relationship with my mum is ok.
• My ex-hubby is about my closest friend.
• My finances are ok - not fantastic, but ok, for now at least.
• Only one major part of the entertaining area to go before it is complete, many thanks to my mum.

And...

• The castle drawbridge is most definitely down.
• I've reduced the thinking and am doing more enjoying.
• I am listening to music daily!
• I am getting 'out there', I'm meeting people .. well, ok, mostly guys!
• Skin hunger is no longer an issue - though I do have a voucher for a massage!
• Work has become a lesser priority - this is a good thing.
• I have some wonderful memories from this year to take with me wherever I go.
• My heart was opened; leapt around like the fool thing a heart is and has now calmed down again, but no longer only a half of one.
• I've been for a ride on a motorbike.
• I went for a walk on the beach at 1am.
• I am less stressed, and yes, sometimes even HAPPY!

I AM ALIVE!

Two Part Dream

Strange - I had a dream in two parts ... first part one night and the other part the following night.

Something about being a particular 'soul' in a different body ... don't remember much else about part one of the dream.

Last night/this morning part two happened .. some of the time I was one of the protagonists (the one who was in a different body), other times I was an external observer ... found my 'soul mate' and gave her (him? - I'm not really sure what gender the characters were, even my own) a close hug ... told hir (him/her) to close their eyes and to feel me/who I was. Hir made a big exclamation as they realised who I was (ie their soulmate, whom they knew in a different/original body) ... we run off together, across a park or field ... one of us falls, I'm not sure if it is me ... falls to the ground and doesn't get up again, and is coughing rather wetly. The other asks what's wrong and hir says "I'm dying" (don't know how but the impression is that hirs lungs are filling with fluid and hir is, therefore, drowning) .. dream ends.

Rather disturbing I thought ..... meet long lost soul mate, manage to get together/realise who each other are, just in time to die. Ohhhh what a soppy romantic my subconscious is!!

Although it did make me wonder also whether my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my health.

It's 3am and I'm not long back from a beautiful walk on the beach after a very hot summers day.

Life is good :)

Busy Busy Busy

Like everyone else I seem to be fairly busy these days ... between uni interviews, work being dreadfully chaotic and frazzling, getting my entertaining area in order and trying (note, I said trying, not achieving!) to get ready for my birthday and Xmas, and dating I haven't been having a lot of quiet time to myself!

Birthday
To christen the new entertaining area I'm going to have a BBQ. It will be the first time I've had people over to my house for that kind of thing in nearly four years. I decided eventually to stick with only a few as the thought of 20 people invading my space at once was just a bit too much. So it will be a fairly quiet affair, but may be the start of more to come.

Xmas
I'm having so much trouble as to what to buy for people this year, it's not usually this difficult. As is usual though it's my daughter that I have had no trouble in regards to gift ideas. I guess the fact that my son doesn't do a hell of a lot doesn't help! Together with the fact that we spend less time together I'm really at a loss as to what to get for him; ahh just remembered something though .. all is not lost.

This will be our last Xmas at someones' house this year. We've decided that now the children are grown that perhaps we will try having a restaurant lunch next year. Not sure what that will be like as I've never done it before. It puts everyone off the hook as far as having to prepare food, have enough chairs etc (not that there's a huge number of us) ... and we will still be spending the time together, but I doubt it will be as relaxed. We will see - not until next year though.

Dating
I've been on a few dates. It seems weird to call them dates to me, but I guess that's what they are! Some good, some not so good, none really dreadful.

Not certain whether I enjoy being this busy though - during the last two weeks that the children weren't here I've been on two week-night dates .... and usually spent the night inbetween catching up on sleep. It's been fun, but I don't think I'll keep up that rate.

ohhh roll on the holidays!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Wooohoooo!!! Am just back from taking my daughter to interviews at uni for the two art courses she has applied to join for next year - and she was told she is accepted ... at both interviews!

Lucky clever talented duck that she is - she gets to choose!!!!!!!!!


(yes, very proud and happy mum at the keyboard tonight!)

Pathos

This has been mulling over in my head for quite some time now. I re-read some old e-mails and chats last night and it seemed to give some confirmation to the thought.

It would seem to me that the person I was, whilst locked away in the castle, generated (or created) a fair amount of pathos in others - sympathy, empathy, sorrow for my situation.

And I have to wonder if that's all there was to it.

:(

Adrenalin At it Again & Another Message

Adrenalin/Sleep
I really need to find a cure for this adrenalin thing. I went out last night (go me!), came home rather late with about three hours sleep time available.

It was a night of many things - all of them good.

Did I sleep? - no of course not. I think I might have managed about half an hour of dozing, mostly the rest of it was spent in that kind of twilight in-between zone - not really asleep, but not fully properly awake either.

Thankfully whatever it was that kept me awake also got me through the day without feeling exhausted or fatigued. I hope I manage to sleep tonight (remembers reading and writing in here that adrenalin can last in your body for 48 hours); I think I might as I'm starting to feel a weariness creeping in.

Message
During one time of twilight zone semi-consciousness this morning I received another message. It was an e-mail rather than an SMS and I only got to see the subject heading and whom it was from. The word free was in there, and whilst it made my heart skip a beat at the time I'm starting to wonder whether my subconscious is again trying to tell me something; perhaps something about the evening I had enjoyed.

And this evening when I arrived home I see there has been a visitor during the day.


I would go lay on the couch to allow my mind and feelings roam free on this and see where it leads, but I think I'd probably fall asleep, so it will have to wait for another time.

Perfume and Associations

I have a perfume that I've not been able to wear for a number of years. The reason has been the association that was attached to it.

I've worn it the last two days and have fallen in love with it all over again, and found that the association seems to have disappeared.

So today I did something very girly - unlike me - I spent an exorbitant (well, to me anyway) amount of money on a bottle of perfume. It was fun, and I love how I smell :)

For those that are curious - it's Jean Paul Gaultier ... I love the bottle as well (what girl wouldn't kill for a figure like that!)

Checking the Calendar

Yesterday it felt like time to check the calendar again, but again it doesn't seem to be the right time for hormones to be a big influence.

I realised a bit later that it wasn't the skin hunger though, it was different.

I think it was the memories playing through my mind; so wonderful. I'm a bit late for Thanksgiving, but I am so thankful that I have those memories - of the feelings, emotional and physical .. and of the utter contentment that followed.

Decision Made

By the time I went to bed last night I knew which way I was leaning, and still felt the same way in the morning. I was pleased I had finally decided.

It really came down to happiness (which is to do with True Self); which choice would I be happier with, which was I more enthusiastic about - that's how I ended up choosing seeing as there was no other stand out factor on which to decide.

Decision Making

I have a decision before me at the moment and I have to have an answer by mid-morning tomorrow.

I am having a great deal of difficulty making this decision; I am very ambivalent (and no, if you look it up you'll see it doesn't mean I don't care, it means I can't decide one way or the other):

I have no gut reaction - there is no internal negative or positive feeling.

Cost/Benefit analysis - does not provide a deciding point

Pros/Cons - there is one Con that is reasonably important to me; I have to consider how much weight this particular factor holds. As various circumstances will be different in the future (and all that is known is that they will be different to the current situation, it isn't known the direction/how they will be different) I need to consider whether this factor could be of lesser importance to me in the future than it is at the moment (just thought this whilst writing - maybe it will become MORE important to me in the future!).

Path Dependancy - what if I make no decision; no, that's not an option. Is the decision reversible? No not really, either way.

Maybe I could do a SWOT analysis as well.


In all this I'm noticing something about myself I hadn't been aware of. I've never thought of myself as particularly indecisive, but I seem to have proven so over the last few months. I tend to think that I don't hold strong views on many things, and, as a result, am generally happy to go with the flow/do what others indicate they have a desire to do. But now, here I am with a decision thats' main impact will be on me, and I can't decide.

I'm going to leave the question alone for a while and purposely NOT think about it for a few hours, maybe that will help.

Hmm and maybe when I come back to it I could look at it from a True Self perspective ... ie will making a yes decision be in keeping/fit with my True Self. Hadn't thought about that yet.

Off to do something else than think about this for a while.....

Another Parenting Milestone

Tonight yet another parenting milestone reached - it was my daughters' high school graduation.

She was magnificent, winning the one medal she had set her eye on and another just for good measure! All of us are very proud of her.

Her dad and I gave each other a high five at the supper - we've managed to make it through seeing two children through their twelve/thirteen years of schooling and all of us still in one piece!

Phew!

And now, as has always been my experience with parenting, it doesn't necessarily get easier, or harder - it just gets different.

Did Skin Hunger Make Me Do It?

Over the weekend, whilst suffering from the skin hunger, I began to wonder whether it was perhaps skin hunger that resulted in what happened a few months ago.

I don't think it was; it doesn't have the same hallmarks: the feelings didn't come and go (they were there all the time, though certainly increased over time) and it didn't feel the same. It was about him sepcifically, rather than a general 'I need someone to cuddle/hand hold/sit with'.

No, I think the skin hunger is a consequence/result of what happened, rather than the cause of what happened; part of what was awoken.

Biopsy
On a totally different note, I received the results of the biopsy this morning. Prognosis: AOK.

Skin Hunger - Another Solution!

Just remembered something I had read about skin hunger when I was first introduced to the term over a month ago .... massage!!!!!!!!!!

Whilst that initially sounds as a stupendously better solution than casual dating I'm not sure how I arrange one at the drop of a hat/on the day that I really need it. Hmmm maybe if I have a regular one then the desperate need wont hit me.

Something to be considered most definitely. I think there's a salon at my local shops that do them. Perhaps if I put it on my xmas list I can get a freebie try out and see how it goes :)

Definitely feeling happier about that having remembered about massage.

Thank Goodness for My Garden ..

and batteries (just as well I managed to go shopping yesterday and thought to buy some more).

Skin Hunger

I'm not really sure what is the best thing for me to do when I'm suffering badly from skin hunger like I was yesterday.

Having sated some of the physical need I found myself still feeling the need for that physical closeness ... hand holding, arm around the shoulder or waist, sitting close together with bodies touching, fingers on my skin. And of course, without anyone to fulfill those needs.

I visited one of the Australian 'dating' sites (on which my profile is invis) but exited from the chat when I realised I was in danger of doing something foolish.

I stayed up late, chatted with some folk on literotica but nothing went very far. The one promising chat ended a bit sour, with a realisation that I wasn't prepared to do something he wanted. Maybe a good thing as the blood temperature dropped, otherwise I'm not sure I would have slept.

I thought chatting online would be safe - most of the folk visiting that site are on the other side of the world and the chat identity I use with them doesn't have any links back to me. And it is safe, but it doesn't really fulfill that need for physical contact; it just has the pretense of it.

Maybe I should try this thing called casual dating. I've had several folk ask me if I'm enjoying playing the field .. ie 'the single life' .. but it seems I'm not (playing the field). That's probably because I'm not 'looking' for a partner ..... is that what this 'casual dating' thing is about? When you're not looking for a permanent relationship?

I'm not sure how I feel about casual dating. I don't think I want a series of one night stands, but maybe that's not what it's about? Maybe it's just what I need. Guess I wont know unless I try. I find the thought of dating a bit scary/daunting, but I'm not really sure why.

Will it necessarily help with the skin hunger? Seems to me it has the potential to meet that need.

Alternately I guess I could just lock myself up for the duration - shut the castle doors and windows again, stay away from the computer and try ride it out. But I don't think that's the solution; it doesn't resolve the problem (as running away rarely does) and I'll just find myself back at the same place time and time again.

Or maybe I could try dance classes ... the thought of a strong man with his arm around my waist sounds good. I don't know though, I've never been good at going places by myself.

Today I'm not feeling the need as strongly. Maybe if I go out and work in the garden it will help wear it off to non-existence. Thank goodness for my garden, if I didn't have that I'd have gone insane well before now.

New Look Blog

Those of you who visit frequently will have noticed a change in the blog the last few days. I've changed the layout and theme; it's more in keeping now with me - less darkness, more lightness and of course there has to be a castle :)

I'm slowly working my way through adding labels to all the posts - this is long and labourious so don't expect miracles! Am also going through and trying to change my light lavender coloured headings within posts to a darker colour so that they're more visible (they're almost invisible right now), but sometimes blogger doesn't want to play ball with that for some reason :(

Enjoy.

Checked the calendar - unlikely timing to be that.

Gah

It must be time to check the calendar; don't know whether it's the hormones or the conversation just had, but am feeling very melancholy and in want of physical closeness :(

Came home feeling rather chipper tonight, I think it's because I have tomorrow off.

Partnering
I've been trying to think about the partner question. And the simple answer is that I don't know. Gah how I dislike not knowing. Sometimes I wonder whether 'I don't know' means 'no'.

And I've been wondering too whether in this case it's not really possible to separate the feeling of need from the want .. ie if I don't feel an emotional need for a partner then maybe that's why I don't feel that I want a partner? I don't feel as though I'm missing out on anything by not having one. I don't want to procreate anymore, I don't feel the need to share my life with anyone .... but it would be nice for someone to be there, at the very least at certain times.

I lay my arm out to the empty side of the bed last night and there was just ... space. It would be nice for there to be someone close, someone who knows me intimately (and I'm not talking about sex!).

But I don't feel lonely; I am ok by myself.

It truly feels like what I said a couple of posts below ... I'm not looking for a partner, but I'm not not looking for a partner either. Certainly if something like the events of a few months ago occurred again (with someone who was available!) I believe I would be there; that I would do it, that I wouldn't walk away saying 'no,no, I'm not looking for a relationship'. Previous history tells me that's what I would do.

So what to do about the dating sites? Methinks I'll leave the one up that allows me to say 'friendship' and we will see what we will see.

Back to Busy RDO's

My RDO's (once a month day off) have been pretty laid back of late - not so the one coming up this week.

The four-legged member of the family needs her annual prick ermm ahhh vaccination I mean! And as Mistyqee has two exams on that day (her last ones hurrah!) I will be attending the fur ball by myself as she gets her jab. I then have two appointments, one in the middle of the morning and one early afternoon.

Can't really say more about them yet - might be great might be dreadful. Time will tell.

I'm also contemplating going to the council for more of the free mulch that I got last year. After the shade sail posts going in and the tree being pruned the garden over there is looking rather sad; a mulch top up will do wonders - and it's free!

So yeah, a busy RDO this time around; dang, and I had intended to make it my xmas shopping day, oh well.

Tonight was a great night, I was actually productive, got some things done that needed doing (ie "should do's" and I didn't even mind); the confirmation of the appointments is what put me in such a good mood.

hmmm external factors making me feel good - maybe I shouldn't feel so good afterall!

Addendum to Do I Want a Partner

There's an addendum coming to that last post; shortly after I'd written it I realised I'd written mostly about whether I felt a need for a partner.

To me that's a very different kettle of fish as to whether I want a partner.


Right at this minute all I know is that I'm not actively 'looking', but neither am I actively 'not looking' as I had been for the last 3+ years ( I even catch myself looking at men at the supermarket!).

Do I Want a Partner?

Yes, I'm back to this thought again.

Laying in bed last night I thought about this a bit. Laying there in bed alone.

It would be nice for there to be someone there to cuddle up to and hug, and for there to be someone there in the morning. To have lazy mornings with breakfast in bed ... reading the paper and later ditching everything off the bed and making gentle, lazy-paced love.

But I don't feel a need for a partner; not like some I come across who feel incomplete without a partner, who really dislike being single and feel they are missing something by not having one.

It's not like that for me.

Yes, certainly, there are times when I have urges and other needs, and times when I feel the need for someone to be there to comfort me and give me support; but for the most part I am pretty content with my life alone.

The conclusion of my thinking was that I don't need a partner, that I don't need to rush out and find a partner. And that maybe if someone comes along that it might be best if it not be a live-in arrangement.

I'm feel quite pleased about that - seems I am happy to stand on my own two feet (to me this is a good thing). And that those who aren't needy are more attractive to others too! (I find neediness pretty unattractive - probably why I don't like myself when I'm feeling the need for comfort/support). I guess I feel it indicates a confidence level too; a level that I sometimes don't feel.

It's all good :)

And now it's off out into the garden.

Dream

I had a dream two nights ago. I have no idea (yet) what I'm supposed to make of it.

I was in my childhood home, in my bedroom, in bed - but it was a double/queen sized bed (I never had one of them when I lived there). Two of the dogs (no idea which two) were jumping on and off the bed. There was music playing and I think there might have been a TV in the room (again, something that was never there in reality) but I couldn't really see it, was just aware there was one there. There were sheets and a doona on the bed, all rumpled up due to the movement that was going on. I was feeling comfortable and content.

My ex defacto was also there (more non-reality). I couldn't see him so I don't think he was in the bed with me, the impression is that he was on the floor either on the other side of the bed to me, or at the diagonally opposite end of the bed from me.

I'm not sure whether I was reading a paper in bed, or just playing with the dogs.

At one point my ex defacto said something about 'not pooing in the bed' (referring to the dogs). I couldn't see any poo on the bed, but the impression was very definately that one of the dogs had done so on the bed.

My thought at his comment was that I looked around, didn't see any poo, and kinda didn't really care even if they had! And that this was my place and he didn't live there, so his opinion didn't matter.

The dream ended.

As no meaning comes immediately to mind I refer to my dream dictionary:

Home: a general atmosphere of home life predicts small satisfactions and an adjustment to whatever your circumstances might be. An old house (being built in the 50's I think my childhood home counts as old) signifies reunion or renewal of an old association.

Bed: a strange bed forecasts an upturn in business affairs, your own bed signifies security.

Bedroom: your own bedroom indicates harmony in current affairs.

Bedclothes: lots of bedclothes and your income is modest to poor, you can expect a comfortable improvement shortly.

Dogs: dogs are generally a good omen and symbolise friends. Friendly and affectionate dogs indicate pleasure and happy times with friends.

Bedfellow - not really appropriate as he wasn't in the bed with me.

Poo - bowel movement (not sure if this applies as it wasn't me who had the bowel movement!) if it occurred in bed it signifies coming abundance.

Newspaper (not 100% certain there was one, but the feeling is that there might have been): to read a newspaper signifies that events at a distance are conspiring in your favour.

Nothing else seems relevant. Having read that I'm not really any closer to an interpretation, although the elements all point to good outcomes.

Maybe it's confirmation of current security, in material things, how life is (comfortable, playing, content) and self confidence/strength of self (not allowing anothers' opnion to impinge on mine/affect my contentment/rain on my parade).

I think it's interesting that he wasn't in the bed with me, that I didn't ever see him in the dream (just a disembodied voice from somewhere over the side of the bed). Maybe signifying that he is, for the most part, out of my life and that any input he makes does not affect me.

I like those last thoughts.

Horoscope

This is my horoscope for today (thanks to Sydney Morning Herald web site):

"Get an early start on any working matters or other domestic things that need doing. You should leave yourself free to enjoy your day so that as the afternoon approaches you can down tools (as it were) and make the most of a congenial, happy and together time with those you love and care for most. You need to de-stress as the week just past may have taken its toll (even if you don't realise it). Take time to have a gentle but fun time with your loving partner tonight"

I have a number of things that have to get done this weekend, so looks like I'd better get off my skinny arse and get going on them. The afternoon will be spent mostly with Mistyqee ... yes the week at work has taken its toll and I'd really prefer to be doing not much of anything at all, but there's a graduation coming up so that's not possible.

As to what I'm supposed to do tonight, mm well, it would help if I had a partner wouldn't it!

Bring on The Weekend.

I had a biopsy on my mouth yesterday - two actually. (it's ok, nothing nasty the oral surgeon says)

So I now have one stitch on the floor of my mouth, underneath my tongue and another stitch in the side of my cheek.

The one on my cheek isn't too bad. As she said it would be, it's like when you've bitten your cheek by accident.

The one under my tongue is a pain, literally. When my tongue moves too much it hurts.

I bet you never realised how much you move your tongue. I've had to stop eating things that gather around on my teeth cos I can't stand the pain of wriggling my tongue around to get the bits off. Even drinking can be a bit of a hazzard at times - I have found out that when I drink coffee I usually lift my tongue up; trying to drink differently is interesting to say the least.

It's weird when you start being conscious of how your body does things when you usually just 'do it' and aren't consciously aware of how it's actually happening.

Oh well.

Please can it be the weekend yet? (Yes, I'm having that kind of a week)

The Fayre

Today it was time again for our local fair.

Of course this means dresses!

But before we get to the dresses we saw some interesting instruments, of unknown origin, being played in a band. Anyone know what this is??

I've never seen them before - not sure if the guy is African or perhaps Jamaican. The sound is very harp-like.

Also at the fair was the House Darksun. They are a medieval fighting group. They had some beautiful rapiers. We conned them into letting us have our pic taken with the suit of armour which one of them is making:




There weren't as many folk at the fair this year - methinks the weather kept them away; it was windy and rained a few time. We took refuge in the jewellery tent where we had purchased this great cross choker for Mistyqee - goes so well with her dress!





Whilst we didn't attend the circus, as my daughter had said she might want to, and she didn't buy even one show bag (most unlike her) nor try any of the games in the side show alley, a good day was had by both. (Any day we get to wear our dresses is a good day really!)

When we got home I stood under my tree, contemplating how it might all look by the end of the week as there are going to be some changes there ... shade sail posts go in tomorrow and the tree gets pruned on Friday. I'd better get out there and mark the locations of the posts and take some 'before' pics for the garden journal.

Woke hot and sweaty three times last night. Finally removed one of the doonas and slept the rest of the night ok. Had gone to bed early-ish, was awake before the alarm. Wore winter PJs.
related to the poor ending to the chat with LV maybe?

Jung and Type

Just finished a book I had picked up at the library earlier this week "Self Discovery the Jungian Way". I'd only got part way through it when I hit the 'what am I doing?' point this week.

Funny how things keep coming back ... I had introduced two ppl that I had been chatting with to the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) in the last two weeks. Having just finished (well, I skimmed, and I mean *reall* skimmed the last few chapters) the book I was pretty stunned to find it was all about type .... silly me, had forgotten that MBTI is based on Jungian theories of type.

But it was helpful to read about Type from a more psychological perspective than I have come across before (my exposure to MBTI was in a business environment).

The part I found particularly useful was the explanation of how our inferior (as in - lesser favoured) ways of being are/can be expressed.

I am of the Thinking Type .... Feeling being it's inferior/other end of the scale. Particular passages of the book indicate that if Thinking is your favoured/developed way then Feeling may come out in childish/undeveloped ways.

This is when I had one of those 'ah ha!' moments - I love those moments - when suddenly something becomes clear and understood.

So this may be what is going on. This I can understand. This is something I can work with. This is not now so scarey.

I'm so glad I decided to lay on the couch and read some more!

Maybe

Just looked back at some old posts about being stuck and about how life was during that time.

Life was only about fulfilling responsibilities - nothing in it that was just 'for me'.

Maybe this is what chatting with others is about - doing something that is not just a responsibility, a something that I have to do; doing something that is just for me.

Stream of Consciousness ( ramblings)

And I come today to ponder on what it is that I am 'moving on' from.

Perhaps if I can work this out my current personal dilemna/crisis of self will be resolved.

On that day of wholeness I had the feeling that I was ready to 'move on', to progress from the place that I had been stuck.

Where is it that I was stuck? I was stuck in the past obviously. During the time of being stuck I even wrote about knowing what it was that I needed to do to 'move on' - get out, socialise, take a risk; but couldn't bring myself to do those things - was not ready. Obviously on the day of wholeness I felt that I was ready.

But what is it about those things .. (socialising etc, even if only via chatting online!) ... maybe it's because it means opening myself to possibilities (added later: - particularly the one about taking risks - taking what risks ... would seem to me it's about taking the risk of opening myself to another ... of putting myself in the position of being vulnerable .. which would all seem to be about love/partnering).

The possibility of what though? Obvious answer seems to be 'the possibility of connecting with someone'. Maybe making friends? But I've not been one to have, or seem to need, to have a large circle of friends. Maybe to find someone just to 'do stuff' with, as I know I'm not the kind to go places by myself. But do I want to 'get busy' and start doing a whole lot of stuff/going to lots of things ... hmmm no.

Why is this so important though??? Why can't 'moving on' just be a matter of continuing on in my quiet life without wallowing in the mud of the past? Hmmm I don't really feel as though I was still wallowing though. But why does it have to involve others?

Possibles:
* to me the measure of our life is our relationships with people (as opposed to material gain/assets)
* hmmm nothing else is coming to mind.
* wait, is our relationships with people really the measure of our life? If the meaning/purpose of my life is to be happy, then surely that means the measure of it is my own happiness. Does that mean I see my happiness as being linked to my interactions with others? - it seems to read that way. Why would that be the case, seeing as I know it is up to me to be happy, rather than have my happiness created by the presence of others (or any other external factors for that matter).
* maybe I just see interacting with others as an indication of participating in life (as opposed to being in seclusion)

But we are not isolated individuals. We live in the world, in which there are others. We are not an island; just living requires interaction with others. Flash thought - is this to do with my 'helping others' nature .. hmm no, doesn't appear to be so.

I'm not getting anywhere, fast. Maybe I could just go with the flow, do what feels right (uh oh - uh oh cos that's where the confusion lies) ... not wait until I am ready (as I've written before) ... just do it ... because. It felt like the right thing to do - to interact with others. But now I am not as certain. Right now it does not feel like the right thing to do.

I guess it's an ok thing to do as long as I am clear on what it is I'm doing. I seem to be clear that all I am doing is very simply interacting with others. I am not looking for anything or anyone, I am simply interacting. Hmm am I clear on that ... after reading back the above I'm not so sure. Maybe that's all I need to do - to be clear with myself that that is all I am doing - interacting, and see what goes from there. hmmm that would seem to be exactly what I was doing. So why the hiccough?

Ack, and that's where I step in and say 'but what about the others' - what effect will that have on them. In saying that I mean dealing with one as confused as me. For all of my awareness I am still so confused.

But is being confused such a bad thing, really? Or is it merely an indication of a time of growing and learning (thoughts of the term 'consciously incompetent') ...

(just added the 'added later' bit to the paragraph about possibilites .... maybe the risk taking thing is where I should concentrate my thinking/feelings)

Someone pass the clarity would you please?

Time to do something physical as all this thinking doesn't really seem to be getting me anywhere just now .... just as well the lawn needs mowing!

Emotional Me

I was in a very emotional state last night, thankfully today was better.

A couple of days ago a comment was made to me as to whether chatting with ppl was hindering me from being able to process the emotions I have been going through - hindering because in discussion with (some of) these folk I am (rationally/logically) analysing the feelings/emotions; and perhaps trying to look at emotions from a logical point of view doesn't assist the process.

After a very short period of pondering this I started to feel that it was perhaps unfair on those to whom I have been chatting to have to deal with one as mixed up as me, and by Friday I had lost all perspective as to why it is that I had decided to start chatting with ppl. I really dislike not knowing why I am doing something; I don't like not understanding 'me'.

I went into 'panic' mode and advised the folk I'd 'met' on the dating/meeting ppl sites that I was going to withdraw for a time, and back to the castle I ran, as fast as I could.

Last night and today I have been undertaking some reading. Reading about the emotional self, emotional processing, wholeness and the like.

A lot of it I don't find useful at all. My conflicts are between my logical/rational self and my emotional self - it's not that I am denying my feelings, or unaware of them, or unable to express them. It is simply that my emotional self wants to do one thing and my logical self says 'no, that's not the right thing to do'.

And it's not just the fact that it's the 'emotional' self either that is the problem. It's not about the whole range of emotions. It's that stuff about love, sex, lust, desire ... *that* is what was awoken in me, or at least I think that's right. But is that right? How is it that the future now exists, whereas before it did not, if love etc is all it was about? How can it be that I have become less dedicated to my job now, because now 'life' is more important to me than work. Can those things be put down to a re-awakening of ONLY the love etc part of me? Or is it more??

Emotional self wants to melt into someones' (that's a general someone, as opposed to any particular someone) arms and be told it's ok. Rational/logical self says that is weak and distasteful; that I can, and should be able to, do this myself, without 'needing' anyone else.

Emotional self wants to flirt, be cheeky and playful. Logical self says that's dangerous, can give ppl the wrong impression.

Emotional self wants to stay in contact with that recent him; logical self has issues of it's own here - if it's hidden then it can't be good/right/appropriate, but to remove oneself is to abandon a friend in a time of need, and *that* isn't good/right/appropriate.

Emotional self wants to be made love to. Logical self just has no idea whether 'we' are ready for a relationship - or what kind of relationship.

Emotional self seems very undisciplined. Logical self doesn't like that, logical self sees discipline (which is just another word for control) as being good/appropriate.

Seems to be that perhaps emotional self is rather selfish. Logical self doesn't like the idea of ones self being selfish. Selfishness isn't a trait logical self likes at all.


So, the readings didn't particularly help me work anything out, as they are aimed at a differing set of symptoms than mine (at least that's how it seemed to me during the reading).



Perhaps the only conflict is truly the one of discipline. The fact that emotional self is not disciplined and logical self wants to exert control. Ahhh, and then I come back to a question I have asked before - is it right to control our emotions .... is it being true to myself to control my emotional impulses.

Being Me
hmm this being me back to how can I be me if these are both parts of me. How do I find the balance between allowing my emotional self to 'be' and satisfying the logical selfs' need for control and appropriateness (in what I chat about with others and 'how' I chat with others).

Do I go back and start chatting but in a different way? How would it be different? I guess it would have to be a lot less open. Hmm I don't like that idea at all; that's NOT ME!

I'm not getting far with that so let's move on ...

What is My Purpose in Chatting/Meeting Ppl?

I seem to have lost sight of just why it is that I started chatting to folk, so I need to rehash this.

I'd been in seclusion for a long time. Then whatever it was that happened, happened. And I decided it was time to put myself out into the world. To me that means interacting with people. That's what chatting is about - putting myself out into the world, interacting with people. Nothing more and nothing less.

But why - why interact with people? What is so important about interacting with people for me?
Is it so I can find a partner? - no I don't think so.

Is it perhaps so that I am out there, in the world, in case a partner type person comes along - I have to say that is a possibility.

Is it so that emotional self has a chance of finding someones' arms to melt into, to be made love to? Possibility.

Logical self says it's because it's healty to interact with others. And healthy to discuss ones' issues with others as they may have inputs that help; differing external perspectives that might help.

Maybe it's for acceptance? To feel accepted by others? Is it a self esteem thing? Maybe it is.


The one of those that 'feels' right is the very simple - putting myself out there in the world. So maybe the dating type sites were not the best thing to do, because it gives the impression that one is looking for a partner. Hmmmmm

OK, I dont seem to have resolved a heck of a lot, but I sure am feeling a lot better about myself right now - thank the fictional deities for that!

Gak, Gah arrghhhh

Oh how I long for that feeling of that day of 'wholeness'.

I have fallen back to not being whole; there is no balalance, I have no idea what 'appropriate' is; the two sides or me are in total opposition.

I wonder what the hell it is I am doing - this 'being out in the world' thing. Have removed myself from all the dating sites and told those with whom I had been chatting that I would be disappearing from their screens for a while.

I had a moment of clarity today - it lasted all of about 5 minutes - as to what it is that I have been doing, what the purpose is of me putting myself out in the world and interacting with people. But 15 minutes later I had no idea what the thought had been.

I am confused by that worse of all thing by which to be confused - myself :(

I feel mixed up, not right, not ok. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know how to find the balance ...

Part of me longs so much to melt into anothers' arms and be told that 'everything will be ok' and in the next second I am thinking how weak that is; that I should be able to stand on my own two feet and work this out myself, without help, without assistance, without needing another there to do the hand holding and soothing when things get tough and confusing.

People admire my 'awareness', but for me, I sometimes truly wish I was not so aware. How much easier would it be just to float through life 'not caring', not having to work through this shit, not even being aware that it exists.

There is no balance; there is no middle ground. I cannot find it.

Back to the castle for me it seems.

More SMS's

Didn't sleep well last night - went to be very late (3am) and feel as though I was awake a lot between then and nearly 7.

I don't know whether the lateness of the hour at which I went to bed last night had any influence on this .. but I 'got' more messages last night .. in my mind I picked up my mobile and it showed there were 14 messages waiting for me. They were all from him, and, whilst I don't recall the contents of the messages specifically, once again the impression was one of wanting to reconnect.

Just wishful thinking I suppose (damn my brain for being so good at that!), or perhaps triggered by seeing what looked like a visit to my site by him a few days ago, and probably not helped by being hormonal ... thanks for the hint about chocolate Gary - you were right on the money, sheesh looks like I'm at least going to suffer from that typ of PMS (this month anyway! - each month seems to be different)

After falling properly asleep sometime around 7, I woke hot and sweaty at about 9.30.

Market Day

My daughter and I had a market day today. A proper market day means wearing our special dresses and visting about 4 markets. We do it two or three times a year; just love wearing these dresses, makes us feel so good - must be the romantic in me/us.

We also visited a wonderful shop in Fremantle that sells the kind of dresses we love - in the medieval style. We haven't been there before whilst wearing our dresses though.

I was rather stunned that the lady owner of the shop kept complimenting me on the dress I had made (which I was wearing, even though I made it for my daughter) .. I've shown pics of it on here before but here it is again in case you've forgotten:



Anyway ... she asked me whether I would make some of these dresses for her shop! I couldn't believe it, thought she was joking and said to her that I didn't sew well enough - she said she thought it looked pretty good. I still thought she was just being kind - but she asked again before we left the shop whether I would consider it... so I have taken her card and said I would think about it.

It took me a long time to make this dress, partially because I'd never made anything like it before and partly because I hadn't done any sewing for such a long time. If I made more of them I'm certain I would get better and quicker at it.

They sell this type of dress for AUS$220 - $250 in their shop.

Bit of a quandry though - I don't really want anyone else to have a dress just like the one I've made! I'm going to have to think about this.

Inspired
Her offer has, at the very least, inspired me to complete my own dress, which I've discovered tonight only needs one sleeve to be sewn in and the hemming of neck, sleeve and skirt done before it's finished! Methinks I might have to do that tonight.

Then it will be on to my daughters' cloak. We have already cut it out but never began sewing it due to the lack of a frog (clasp). We saw a gorgeous one today on a cloak and luckily have found the same ones on ebay - so with that getting organised we will be sewing her cloak soon too!

Off to the sewing machine!

Missing Him

... tonight I am missing him. I had thought I had passed that point, but it would seem I was wrong.

Lump in throat, tears close to my eyes and that tug in my heart and I feel like going up to bed and having a cry :(

This is most unhelpful :(

Blog Changes/Beta Blogger

For those of you who use Blogger:
I have transferred my blog over to the beta blogger. I've wanted for some time to be able to categorize my posts, and the new blogger allows this.

It is proving rather a pain to have to go back through posts and add labels (what blogger calls categories/tags etc); at this stage I've only done dreams and blogthings/quizzes. I'm not certain whether I'll do more as it is rather time consuming.

All seems well so far. Editing the html directly is a bit of a challenge however, so I may break things from time to time as I get it sorted (haven't kept up my coding knowledge/skills)

If you find something broken please let me know.

Dream

I slept fine that night - referred to in previous post. I had thought perhaps I wouldn't as I had noticed someone in my site stats.

The following night however I had a rather erotic dream that woke me up at about 3am. It was strange - I was ermm 'manhandling' someone (one of the dream people - just a person, not anyone recognizable) but it was me who had the orgasm (that's when I woke up).

Strange.

*Sigh* and TA

Being good/doing the 'right thing' is so hard sometimes :( - sometimes I wish the memories were erased so I wouldn't feel the yearning, so that I didn't have anything to wonder 'what if' about, to wonder how might things go if he re-connected and was available, how might it go if he re-connected and wasn't available - I believe I could do the right thing, but there would be sadness there too ... lots of things.

Other times I am so glad for the memories... they are so good.

I do things that perhaps I shouldn't - re-read e-mails and chats ... just to re-live it. Sometimes it seems like a dream and I have to remind myself that it did actually happen; that there was someone kind enough, patient enough, caring enough ... to help me find my way out of the castle.


I find myself retreating back into the castle from time to time, but the drawbridge is down, not shut tight. I no longer live in darkness.

The Child
Transactional Analysis came up in a discussion recently. It was suggested that maybe it was my 'child' that had been re-awoken. I'm not so sure. It's a long time since I looked at TA, must get some books from the library.



Ah shoot, I see a sleepless night ahead :(

Yet Another Realisation

I came to yet another realisation yesterday ... something I've been trying to put into words for a while now, but the thought hasn't properly coalesced until yesterday.

Finally I know what it is I am looking for. I'm a tad concerned about what it has turned out to be though.

I want someone to make love to me.

I have a reasonable amount of sexual experience, but it's a very long time since I've made love ... sad, I know.

The thing that concerns me about this is that for someone to make love to me they would, have to be in love with me ... that means allowing someone to love me, and for me to love them. That's the scarey part; and I don't know if I can do that.

Am I ready for that ... I have no idea, but I guess, as I wrote in a post not too long ago, if we always wait until we're ready for something it might have passed us by.

Feeling Good and I Don't Care Why!

I was a *very* Good Girl (TM and all that) today ...... was sorely tempted to send an email to someone - but didn't, and for all the right reasons.

And tonight, for no good reason I am feeling particulary GREAT! Is it cos the shade sail is going to ahead? Don't think so .. I have reason to NOT feel particularly great, as I have to buy a new washing machine tomorrow night - mine having carked it two nights ago.

I don't know why I feel good and I don't really care, I'm just going to enjoy it!

Damn Adrenalin/Dreams/Garden

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What Colour Purple?

You Are Grape

You are bold and a true individual. You are very different and very okay with that.People know you as a straight shooter. You're very honest, even when the truth hurts.You are also very grounded and practical. No one is going to sneak anything by you.People enjoy your fresh approach to life. And it's this honesty that makes you a very innovative person.

What Color Purple Are You?

Finding Me/On Being Me

I've been thinking about this 'discovering my true self' business ... somehow it sounds kinda weird - it infers that I don't know who I am, and I don't believe that to be the case.

I think it's more a case of remembering who I am, rather than discovering who I am; discovery has that inference of finding something for the first time.

I do know who I am, I've known it all these years I've been in isolation/seclusion - I've just been hiding from it because I felt that it was being me that took me/resulted in me being in that dark place.

Some might say that means I just need to 'toughen up' a bit. But that would not be being me.

I have told myself in the past (in the blog) that I need to be more balanced (eg less giving of myself) - but that would not be being me either.

Hmmmm I think that it's not discovering me/finding me that I need to do - I think maybe it's more accepting who I am, and becoming more comfortable with that that I need to do.

I need to be more at peace with who I am - and the consequences that can bring.

That last sentence reads very strangely to me when I read it back .... because I don't really feel uncomfortable with who I am, and I know that comes across to other people (cos they tell me).

So what is it I am looking for?

On Meeting People

I think/am concerned that I might be allowing myself to get carried away a bit - with this meeting people thing and it concerns me as to what this might be creating in the other persons thoughts and feelings. So I need to stop and have a think about what I'm doing, what's going on.

I'm continuing to chat with two of the 4 that I mentioned previously. I think one of them has gotten a little 'excited' - he says it is the best start he has ever had in 'meeting' someone from the meeting site. I have to admit to myself that on Sunday when we first communicated - messaged throughout the day and then chatted in IM in the evening for a long time) - that I started to get a bit excited too; I thought it might be good to meet this person.

But I have to stop and think why it was/what it was that got me feeling excited. I don't want to create false hope in the other person.

The excitement could be because:
1. This is new (meeting people) - kid in a candy shop kind of thing. I'd have to say this is a definate possibility.

2. I get on well with this person.
We chat fine. The conversation flows reasonably well and isn't forced. He's not quite as articulate as I'd like but at least he tries and is doing an ok job of it.

I wonder whether some of it is just that we were both available during the whole day to talk.

What is it I am looking for - what is my motivation?
A. Fill a hole? (ie rebound/replacement)
I don't *think* so. I don't feel as though there is a hole in my heart. But what happened just recently is still fairly close, not far enough in the past to dismiss this as a possibilty. See Selfishness below ...

B. Widen my social life
Yes definately ... people to chat to. But with what purpose I ask myself? Not sure. Maybe just because I've put my head up, am widening my horizons .... keeps bringing me back to why though ...

I don't feel lonely ... so it's not that.

Thy why isn't so important to ME, but I think I need to know what it is so that I don't give a false impression to others, so I don't raise anyones' hopes unnecessarily (not so much that *I* raise their hopes, just that their hopes don't get raised). I don't know how much notice is taken of the fact that on the meeting ppl sites that I have indicated I am looking for friendship only. See C. A Partner below

C. A partner
Am I looking for a partner?? It doesn't feel as though I am. I don't have a burning desire/need to find someone to share my life with. I'm not feeling alone/lonely, I'm not feeling that I am missing something.

I do know though that we can be looking for something without even realising it.

D. Selfishness
I am a bit concerned that I want to be/am looking for something very selfish .... that it would be 'quite nice' to have a person in my life who makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel good/special, who will be gentle and kind, caring,respectiful and considerate of me, take my hand oh so gently, caress me ....

Gah :( having written that down and become lost in though I realise those are all the things he was. Am I just missing him? It doesn't feel like I'm missing him, but I have to admit that it reads like it.



The reason I use the term 'selfish' here is because I don't know that I'm ready to be/do those things with someone else. But I guess that's what 'the right' person is all about - if it's the right person then you want to do/be those things with/for them.

arrrghhh so does that mean I'm looking for the 'right' person?

I have no idea

On Another Note
I allowed the flames to consume me for a while this afternoon. Just gentle licks of warmth flowing over me - not raging scarey tongues of fire. It was very soothing, though emotional.

Unusual Observation

Strange/unusual observation tonight .. my perfume smells differently on me the last two days than it usually does.

The only thing that came to mind as to why this might be is because the last few days have been red letter days .... could have created a change in my physiology.

Haven't noticed that on other red letter days though, so I'm not convinced that is it.

Interesting.

Sweaty & Dating Sites Update & What If

Sweaty
Didn't sleep at all last night and was hot and sweaty all night (even though I was wearing a summer nightie as my usual PJs were still in the dryer) - it wasn't a warm night either. The cause - an email. I'm not complaining though.

Seems I am perhaps still 'infected' - I thought there was a possibility it had passed, maybe it never will, maybe there just hasn't been enough time yet.

Dating Sites Update
I am/have chatted to 4 men online as a result of being on the meeting people sites.

One not so good, one ok, another ok and interesting, another ... hmm well seems to be going quite well so far.

This after only a week - I'm surprised that it seems to be going so well.

What If Dilemna
The email of last night brought me to a dilemna point though - a 'what if' point. I am not waiting for him (proof is the dating site thing), I know that is the wrong thing to do - for me and for him (we both need to consider each other unavailable - not waiting in the wings for the other) BUT my emotional reaction to receiving the (very brief) email last night, and the subsequent non-sleeping night tells me that if he were to be available I would want to try. With him I know the spark and fire exists/has existed - I thought the fire had died down to just warm embers in the main, but last nights' experience tells me they could easily be fanned into flames again.

So what if I got together with someone from the dating site ... and there was no instant/quickly developed chemisty/spark but with whom I was willing to continue on with for a while to see if anything develops, and he were to appear on the scene, available.

I guess the answer is that I can't live my life based on a 'what if' - I understand the folly of that; it might never happen. If I find someone else with whom something might develop I will travel down that path.

If the 'what if' scenario comes into being I will think about what to do at that time.

Imagination and Lifting My Head

Imagination/Wishful Thinking ...What is it?
I don't know whether I just have an over-active imagination, or whether this is a strange kind of non-dreaming, maybe it's just very wishful thinking, or maybe it's some kind of psychic phenomenon or maybe I just spend tooooo much time at the computer (doubtful cos I spend less time at the computer now than I have at other times of my life) ... but it happened again last night and this time I remember it.

Over the last month or so when I've been in bed, not quite asleep, I 'get' both instant messges and emails. They are there before my eyes just like on the screen. And yea, they're from that most recent him.

This hasn't only just been happening since the communication between us ceased, I'm sure of that - that's the rather odd part (I'd understand it more if it had only been happening since that time).

I don't remember all of the messages I've 'received' this way, but last nights' were both about getting back in contact in some time in the future.

Lifting My Head
As a result of the experience I've been through I've kinda lifted my head up a little ... made my profile on some dating/meeting people sites. Only listing myself as looking for friends. I've started e-mailing with two people ... no agenda, not looking for that 'someone', just putting my toes in the water and widening my view. Can't hurt.

Lesson
One thing he has taught me is to stand my ground and face a situation, and to try work through it rather than run away and hide back in my castle. Whilst we didn't end up where we wanted to (long-term friends - though that is an aim that may still be possible at some other time) I think this was a good lesson for me to learn.

I think that he feels it was a bad thing for him to keep telling me to stay - cos he sees it as having lead us to where we ended up, but truly I think I needed to do that ... to stay and not run away. Running away is too easy, and it's true that it's only the things we achieve through hardship and struggle are the things we treasure the most.

The Temptress
The temptress (as he called her) has receeded to ... somewhere. Much more thinking than feeling going on at present. I don't believe she has run away back into the castle though, maybe just taking a break. Or maybe it's just because there's no role for her at the moment. Maybe that's why I've done the meeting people site thing .... to see if she comes back to the surface.

Being 'Ready'

If we always wait until we are 'ready' for something/to try something, then it may be too late, or that time may never come - and we will have missed out on so much.

Don't wait until you're ready - if the opportunity arises then go for it, ready or not!

On Being/Discovering My True Self

Discovering My True Self
Yes, I know, it is some peoples' life work to discover their true selves.

I do not expect this to be a short journey.

But I think perhaps there have been some clues along the part of the journey that I have already travelled.

There are those times that we feel very uncomfortable ... maybe this is an indication of a time when we are acting contrary to our true selves.

When have I felt uncomfortable ... well the body shaking episodes come immediately to mind. When I have written about them before I've wondered whether they indicate inner conflict. Again, maybe I have had more wisdom than that of which I was aware.

(As an aside I like that the deeper/more I look at these things the more I am, already, finding out about myself)

Let me look at those times I remember that happening (gentle congratulations of oneself for remembering to write about it in the blog!)

Maybe These Indicators of True Self Conflict?
Sitting With the Ex-partner
I think I was consciously stopping myself from being my normally compassionate (to him) self. I did this to avoid allowing myself to continue/return to being dragged onto the rollercoaster once again. It was in contradiction to my true self though.

Wish I'd written more about it at the time so as to recall more precisely what was going on when the shaking occured. I think the above is right but am not absolutely certain.

More Recently
I had removed myself from a situation that I strongly wanted to experience - and which I think I needed to experience to enable me to progress further along my journey to being a whole/real/normal person. As it turned out I don't think I would be in the space I am today if I had simply continued on and gone home and not had that experience. What was the experience? Opening myself totally to another.


And this brings me to wonder whether it is ever right to act in discordance with ones' true self. In the first instance above I was protecting myself from further hurt/turmoil. But isn't it through these things that one grows? Is it ever right to not be compassionate?

In the second instance I was again running away (as I had said to him I felt like doing on a number of earlier occassions, but he kept telling me to stay) ... it was (for me, in the end) better to stand my ground and have the experience, else I would not be where I am today (which is, it feels, a much better place than I have been in the past)


As an adjunct, I don't know if I'm on the right track with any of the above, but it kinda feels right. I also get the feeling this is pretty much how this journey will go - that I wont really know, until I really know.

Anyone Got A Map?
I have thought about the journey on which I am about to embark and whether it might be useful to seek some assistance. I know I am not the first person to make this journey (well duhhh!) and perhaps it will smooth over some bumps if I have a map to follow (hmm something else he taught me - that maps can be useful in these matters).

Having looked at a variety of web sites etc about discovering our true selves I see there are many different ways/paths by which one can travel, Buddhism seeming to be one of the major ones (please excuse my ignorance if that is not the case/not what Buddhism is about, this is only after a fairly cursory look). How to choose one out of the many?

I will start by not choosing any one way or path.

Many seem to have in common the practice of meditation.

Even within this one practice there seem to be many different methods. I will start with the most basic/simplest.

So this is how I will start. 5 minutes meditation each morning when I wake. (I wonder whether this is, at least in part, what I did last night/when I have candle time)

Interesting side note: the physical sensations have eased off substantially today. Whether it has anything to do with todays thoughts I have no idea.

Part of me also finds this is all very much in the thinking realm, and I find myself worrying whether my emotional self is being closed off/shut out ... I hope not, but yet to be known.

Thankful

I was the thinker, he was the feeler.

We both learnt so much from each other.

We made each other complete.

I am so thankful.

Reflections Part II

The Biggest Question of Them All
And so it is that the ponderings in my last entry brought me back again to that place I've been before ... to be happy.

And I start to think 'what would make me happy'?

No sooner has the thought passed across my mind that I realise the question in totally wrong, the totally wrong question to be asking.

I have realised this in the past .. when I commented here that it wasn't right that I be happy because of someone else, that instead I am the one who should make me happy.

And I realise now how true that is. The question of 'what would make me happy' indicates looking to external things or people to create the happiness.

This kind of happiness is bound to be short lived. Things deteriorate/are taken away, people change and move on from our lives and die. It's not right that our happiness be bound to these things. If we depend on external factors to make us happy then we are bound to become unhappy when those things are no longer present in our lives.

We have to make ourselves happy. I have to make me happy.

No, even that is not right - I have to be happy.

And so the right question comes to me - how do I make me happy, how do I be happy?

And the answer comes - by being true to myself, by being happy with me.


WOW - and now I have a whole new bunch of stuff on which to ponder, because to be true to myself I must know who I am. This, I think, is the hardest question of them all.

Maybe it wasn't possible for me to get to this point before due to part of me not being 'present'. Now that I am re-united and whole I may be able to make some headway. I can only hope!

Postscript
It seems I've taken a rather circuitious route to get to this point, and it feels/sounds rather like Buddism in some ways - having done some reading about karma etc due to the prior post and other comments. I shy away from delving into that however - these are things that others cannot teach you - that one has to come to realise for oneself.

Funny, I've never thought of myself as a spiritual person, but this seems to have all the hallmarks of it.

Reflections

I had decided to have some quiet time last night; I felt that I needed it without having anything in particular in mind on which to ponder .

So I lit a candle, put on some music and lay on the couch.

I miss him and I miss it - that indefinable chemistry - but most of all I miss the opportunity to have explored and see where it might have gone. As I lay there I remembered him touching me and tears flowed. Those surging sensations in my body bringing a fresh flow of tears with each surge. And again the thought comes that it will never be like that again, and it wont be, because they will not be him. So caring, compassionate and respectful of me and my feelings, it doesn't feel as though anyone else would be like that, because we had history ... long ago though it was .. there won't be another with whom I have that.

And I wondered at myself - last week so content and happy to have had the joy of the experience, this week feeling the loss. Is this a cycle I am going to move through? I thought the revelation I had last weekend meant I was on the forward path, but maybe that's not so - maybe it is, I dont know, it is yet to be seen.

And still there is no feeling of guilt. I try my utmost to root out why this is (because it seems that I *should* be feeling guilty). Is it simply repressed and will come at a later time? Is it because I am cut off and out of contact? Is it because he had taken responsibility for whatever may happen in his relationship? Is it because he had decided of his own volition, in full knowledge? Is it because of the good things that have come out it (I have to guess this on his behalf, as I do not know how things have transpired for him)? I fail to come to any understanding.

The Park
And today my heart wanted to be at the park again, so I went. I don't expect to see him there, I just needed to be there.

Sat on the blanket thinking, more thinking than remembering. Thinking about things said .... what wisdom is it he believes I have, was he meaning my comments that I should bow out so he could concentrate on his relationship? About his relationship being segregated from the rest of his life? Or other things.

I come to think that on that Sunday night that he had already decided that he would follow his heart if I also chose to do so. I commented during our chatting before I left to go home that his voice was deeper ... it wasn't light and airy as it had been on the other occassions; an indicator perhaps of his having decided. I didn't pursue it though - just commented on it at the time. It was me who had to choose though, he would not force it upon me ... and choose I did when I hit the round-a-bout and went back the way I had come. I remember he said, at some point after, that I had had to choose.

Humanity
And I come to think about emotions and the feelings. And I wonder why it is that it is considered wrong, by many, to follow those things. If they are so wrong then why do we experience them at all? Why is it that we are meant to repress them, squash them down and try to ignore them?

The thought comes to me that the reason some would give is because this is what makes us different to animals; that we do not simply follow our animalistic urges and instincts. That we are able to choose. But are we not just animals, simply of a different ilk?

Yes we can choose to not follow our urges and instincts, but is this necessarily a good thing? I think back to my gut feelings, and how often it has been shown to me that it is wrong not to take heed when it makes itself felt. Is it the same with emotions and urges? No, I guess not always, but I had no gut feeling that what we were about to do/did was wrong. What is there to guide us when there is no gut reaction/instinct?

And then it comes to me, again, the thought that I have had before - that it is wrong if it harms another (this is one reason why we have societal laws). But what other is it that we have a duty to be respectful of? Every other person on the planet (impossible!), or just the one with whom we interact directly ... and it is up to them to be respectful of the ones with whom they interact. Yes, I think that might be right, and maybe this is why there is no guilt for me.

Reasons
And I come to think of my thoughts as to why he had come into my life at that particular time. And I realise that if I am true to my belief that there is no almighty being, that there is no 'master plan' that I must not look to their being a reason why things happen.

There is no reason why things happen. They just do.

And that if I believe this then I cannot believe in karma either.

As humans we seem to be cursed to find a reason in/for everything .. that thought of 'why did this happen (to me)'? I've written about this before; I have been in this mindset myself. I find now that it is perhaps not useful; that it is indeed a futile search.

For a short while this thought - that there is no reason why things happen - is very freeing. But I soon after find myself thinking that it is a very unfulfilling thing - if things happen for no reason then what is our reason for being .... and then laugh at myself because here I am already once again looking for a reason.

Learning Through Experience
Whilst things may happen for no reason at all that does not mean that we cannot/should not learn from the experience.

This is what I try to do.


And all of me hopes and wishes that he and I will meet again, sometime, somewhere, and we can sit and laugh and chat and just enjoy.


If there is no reason for our being, no reason for our life, then why shouldn't it be simply to be happy.

As I walked the aisles of the supermarket today I wondered if the other shoppers could smell me. I was smelling like sex again :(

And tonight as I sit here listening to the rain falling gently outside my window I keep thinking of going out into it and just standing in the rain..... and the images I had of him and me doing that keep flashing through my mind/in front of my eyes ..... and I miss him :(

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Work was absolutely f'd this afternoon - thank goodness it was only that way for the last hour.

Something that added to my non-enjoyment during that hour was overhearing a comment by the boss - he thought I was pissed off because it was after knock-off time and I wanted to leave. Typical boss type thinking. No, I was stressed cos work was pretty f'd up this afternoon - his comment just made me even more mad.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm playing music VERY LOUDLY, having a coffee and a smoke and trying to calm down ... then I think it will be bourbon and pizza o'clock.

I feel marginally better already.

Gah!

I have half a poem in me ... or maybe it's two halves of two poems ... having so much trouble getting it/them down .... the words just don't feel or sound right when I type them out.

Frustrating.

Today was ...

I put one of the Enigma CDs into the player today on the way to work.

I had an unusual (for me) response to the music - had visions of a slow leisurely love-making session running through my head. Not with any particular person at all. Strange, I hadn't thought of that music that way before.

I was more pensive today, smiled less than yesterday, but didn't have that almost-frown, saddish kind of look about me that had become pretty normal.

And I wonder if my bubble is moving slowly towards the earth, whether I am coming down after the overwhelming realisation of the weekend.

And then, there is was, when I got home from work. In my weekend-high I had extended the hand of peace, for a truce, but no he has to make it difficult, asking for more than was offered. Asking for something that is a particular sticking point.

My first reaction is to tell him to F off, but I know I should let this wander around inside for a while before I finally decide what to do.

The fact that this is a sticking point for me - I need to think about this (see, I'm not so different afterall).

Music and Smiles

Music
It was with some trepidation that I put one of the CDs he had given me into the car player this morning as I left for work.

What effect would the music have on me - would it be the bubble burster, or would it all be good?

I couldn't play this music prior to Sunday, and was so overwhelmed on Sunday and had too many thoughts in my head (of newness) on Monday that today was the first time I had the space and time to try it.

The music was wonderful. It brought me no angst, no sad thoughts of him (only happy ones).

Tomorrow I will try one of the others ones.

Smiles
And when I got to work I realised I had been smiling the whole way. This is different, this is new.

Yes, in the last few weeks there has been bouts of spontaneous smiling (and grinning) on the way to and from work, but today I smiled the entire time ... and it wasn't the passion or desire making it happen.

I find myself looking for a certain someone over the copper wires, and entertaining certain ideas - of meeting -- of meeting someone new that I don't know and have never met before.

And I know then, for certain, that I am now different, that I am 'better', that I have come out into the light. That I will follow my feelings and trust them, but not with giddy abandon.


There is still retrospection going on, still looking and learning from what has happened. I am amazed and stunned - in the most wonderful way.

A New Day and the 'New' Me

I was surprised that it took a while to get to sleep last night. And that I woke at about 1am for no apparent reason (ie didn't wake in a hot sweat, no strange noises in the house). But then I returned to sleep easily and slept well.

Today was a new day for me, the first day of the rest of my life (well maybe some would count yesterday as that .. but 'I' wasn't back until part way through the day).

I noticed something different about me today. I am much less the pessimist that I have been. My glass is now decidedly half full, and yes, I can even see the glass (this hearkens back to a previous response of 'the glass is an illusion').

And I now think of possibilities. Today I found myself of thinking of the next time someone comes along ... note, I wasn't thinking IF someone comes along, or that no one else will ever come along, I was thinking about the NEXT time someone comes along. This is not the way I thought before.

I was less tense too.

I think the adrenalin levels have decreased substantially. The thought is in me that I will now put on weight.

There are still some of those physical responses in my body, but they are very much gentler than a week ago. I wonder whether this is how it is for 'normal' folk, everyday folk.

Passion and Love
And I thought about passion and love, and the comment I made only a few posts ago that if I didn't feel like that again I would miss it and feel that I was settling for something less.

Today that is not how it felt, what I thought about it. I was very comfortable with the idea of a slow easy love that builds over time rather than the utter explosion I had just experienced. (I do still hesitate to call what happened 'love' mind you).

And this is where the optimism kicked in - the reason I could now accept a slower easier type of love is because I am so grateful to have experienced that other; that absolute burning of desire and passion. This is not how I have felt before - before I only felt the loss of things, but now I can be thankful for having at least felt those things at some point.

And as I write this I am reminded of that well worn phrase, at which I have previously scoffed (and in remembering that, makes the difference in me now so obvious) "better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". Today I can agree with that statement.


Amongst all this there are some undercurrents of thought occuring ...
Maybe I'm just on a high and this bubble will burst sometime,
Now that I am whole will my thinking be less clear.


And I have thought a little too about this blog. The blog has served its purpose - it has recorded my journey through darkness and forward into the light.

I will not be removing it, as it will serve me well to visit the past from time to time I'm sure.

Does it have a purpose now? Will I still feel like writing?

At various points in my life I have taken to writing when in times of crisis. It would seem this time of crisis is now over.

I do not want to fill the screen with fripperies of what I've eaten for breakfast.

I thank those who have read me for their presence and those who have commented and e-mailed for their thoughts, companionship and support.

Whether I am inclined to continue writing is yet to be seen.

Just for now this is not goodbye, just adieu and arrivaderci (til we see each other again).

The Castle

For those of you who know about the castle, in which I have been secluded, here is a picture of the castle as of yesterday:

There is a different feel to the castle today, almost festive. There is no feeling of darkness as there once was. There are flags flying from the turrets.

The gates and doors are open, the portcullis is up and the drawbridge is down.

There is traffic on the drawbridge (never seen before); it moves freely to and fro, moving in and out of the castle, some jumping and skipping, some just moving very freely.

It's a lovely picture isn't it :)

Hello

Hello, my name is Noala.

Those of you who have only ever known me by the blog will not know me.

I am Noala who existed before the blog began.

I am me.

I am whole.

I am alive.

You may find me not so very different from the Noala who has been writing all this time, for she is a part of me.

There will be one more post added prior to this one, from that part of me. I can't write it just at the moment as I am overwhelmed by what has occured. The realisation just hit me today whilst I was out in the sun mowing my lawn, after I'd written an e-mail to a cyber-friend.

To coin the phrase of the person who helped me get here "It's all good".

(This post is post-time stamped so that it will appear in the correct place)

I was Wrong
The comment I made at the end of the post prior to this one is/was wrong.

I didn't blow it. This was my chance and I took it (even though I had to be prompted to stay so I could take it, by another, it was still up to me, he said so himself 'you had to choose').


I have had such a revelation, transformation today.

It came as I wrote an e-mail to a cyber friend with whom I chatted last Monday night. In the e-mail I was apologising for the state I had been in and using him simply as a distraction from my grief. Then I wrote a particular line and suddenly all became clear. This is what I wrote:


My heart has been opened.


And right there, right then I knew, without a doubt, that this was true (that lump in the throat I had felt on the morning of the dream was back, and almost suffocating me!).

My heart has been opened. My heart is back on board. I am a whole person once more. The girl I used to be is back - not just half of her, all of her.

I have been overwhelmed (brought to tears) by this a lot of times today. Not tears of sadness, nor even really tears of joy. Perhaps they are tears of relief. Relief that this is finally over, that I am finally ready to move on ('bout bloody time I hear you say)

I don't know why it took until today for this realisation to come. It certainly was not there earlier in the week and it was not there yesterday.

Wisdom
I think and look back to things I have written and am astonished at my own wisdom. It's strange how you can write the words but not really understand the truth within them.

To Get Elsewhere (ie to progress)
I e-mailed him a document, very early on in the piece (one week + one day from his first e-mail) in which I wrote the words:
"But this is me, this is who I am, maybe this is what I have to go through to get elsewhere."

It seems to me now that this statement was so accurate that it is scarey.

Because It Was Him
I can't find the first time that this thought occured to me - that it would be ok because it was him (him in particular as opposed to any other him that might have come along). But I definately had the feeling that it would be ok, that he would 'look after' me - and indeed I am ok, and he most certainly did look after me; caring, gentle and considerate about my feelings and confusion.

Asking for What you Need
At one point, when our communication had become clumsy and the road had become rather rocky and difficult I included a note for him to please persevere with me. (Found it - it was two weeks after first contact)

Today, in writing the e-mail to the cyber-friend (mentioned near the top of this post), I reviewed discussions he (the cyber-friend) and I had back in December/January of this year. He kept referring to me as being Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel and the knight who would have to hack away at the thorns and monsters to come save me from my seclusion.

This was not in my mind when I wrote the email that mentioned perserverence, but it was exactly what was needed, and I am so fortunate and grateful that he did (persevere).

Why Did We Meet?
Another thing I pondered, and asked, from rather early on was 'why has he come into my life at this point in time'.
Little did I know he was to be my Knight, but obviously I was aware somehow, somewhere inside of me, that this was important, that him coming into my life was important.

Perhaps I came into his life for a reason too - this is something that has only more recently come to light, something of which he had been unaware ... that maybe this was something he had to go through too so that his relationship with his partner could progress.

Going/Staying
This is his unknown wisdom at work - I kept saying that I would bow out if he felt it would help. He kept saying I should stay.

If I had not stayed I would not be where I am now - I would still be locked away in that castle and heaven only knows when another Knight such as he would have come along to save me from myself.

But I must have had some wisdom here too, because I did stay, I did not run away (which I often felt the need to do - and could have done at any point). I stood and faced it - the rocky scarey road, because of his gentle guidance and the hand he held out to help me navigate the rocks and pitfalls.


There are others I am certain. But for now I must away to my bed and sleep, and sleep I surely know that I will.

Because I am at peace, because I am whole, because I finally can be me again.

What if ... and what of me

I have been wondering if the rules I have set are too harsh. What if she is of a forgiving nature, what if things go very well for them and it really is ok for us to talk again (yes, just talk, just be friends), what if he desperately needs to talk with me ... but no, knowing how he has betrayed her how could she possibly allow that ...

And then with a start I remembered something in an e-mail he had written. I open the e-mail and read it again. Yes, there it is....(secrets - and I wonder what secrets he has kept; that he was becoming hooked? or how far it actually went? This is my fate - to not know)

And I think again that maybe all this is unnecessary ..... but no, I am fooling myself. The rules are necessary. Perhaps not only to enable them to do what they need to do, but perhaps also for me, maybe this is how it needs to be for me as well, to enable me to leave it behind this time.

For Me
And I start to think again what is there for me in all this. There must be something. We cannot go through traumatic (good and bad) times and not learn something.

Awakening
I know now that passion and desire reside within me still. They had been absent a long time and I wondered whether they still existed. I know now that they do. My sexual self has been awoken - that part of me that had been dead for so long.

But what am I to do now? Having felt that passion and desire I wonder whether there will be another that might evoke those feelings within me again. I fear that I will end up settling for something less. I don't want that, I don't want to settle for anything less.

Why must it have been this way. Why did we have to meet when he had a partner? Would it have been the same if he had been single? Perhaps, perhaps not.

Risk
I know now too that I will take a risk, that I will risk revealing my heart. BUT I only did that because it was him, because it felt that it was ok. Maybe this is indication enough .... but I also wonder if there will ever be someone again with whom it feels ok. Most of me thinks there will not be, that this was my chance, and I blew it.