Searching?

First a note on my sons' job - he didn't get the job. When he spoke to them the next day (they had said for him to think about it overnight and talk to them in the morning) they said if he couldn't start that day that he didn't have the job.
He had explained, the night before, that he had appointments the next two days but could start on Monday. When they said he must start straight away he said no.
Initially I thought that was a bad move on his part, but on further pondering I realised I didn't like what that attitude said about the company, and I'm glad now that he said no.
So his search continues....

My Searching
Every week I still read the relationship column in the Sunday paper (usually on-line, though sometimes in print). Sometimes I find things that I copy to my hard drive and keep, like the one below from last weekend. (More input from me follows):

crazy for you 05-02-2006 From:
The Sunday Telegraph
When love waxes and wanes it's time to keep your eye on the prize and realise what's important to you. By Toby Green.

Daniel, married for 21 years, had three kids, owned his own home and
thought he was a happily married, and lucky, man. That was until his work
colleague Helen started to confide in him about her own marriage becoming
unstuck.

With each heart-to-heart they had, he felt himself falling deeper and
deeper in love. He came to me because he felt crazed. Helen filled his every thought; his every waking moment. He couldn't remember experiencing any love as strong as the passion he felt for her. He had fantasies about fleeing his marriage and children who he knew needed him.

It hadn't become a sexual relationship, yet. He was holding back so as not
to do anything that would be destructive to Helen, considering the emotional
state she was in. He also admitted to not knowing if her feelings for him were
equally as strong. He wanted his sanity back.
Like thousands of others, Daniel's mid-life fantasy-filled liaison felt like a heroin addiction. Fortunately for Daniel and his family, he sought help.

mid-life mediocrity
Here's what gets confusing. You're standing there, a mild-mannered,
sensible man in your 40s with everything you're supposed to have at that age -
the right wife, kids, car, house and job.

Every box ticked.

For many men at this stage a certain lethargy sets in. Life develops a
familiar hum. And then along comes Helen, a fresh face, a damsel in distress,
confiding intimate things to you. You're needed, flattered, her attention is
all-encompassing and before you know it, bam, you're in love like you haven't
been since you were 14.

The other thing that gets confusing is the difference between feelings
versus actions, emotions versus behaviour.

Love is how Daniel feels about Helen, strongly. But they are only feelings.
Daniel has no choice - you can't dictate emotions. They're born, grow, peak and
ebb. However, no matter how strong, they're not a call to action. "I feel
therefore I act" indicates lack of self-control, impulse-driven behaviour and
immaturity.

staying true
Commitment is a behaviour, not a feeling. Commitment is the action Daniel
took about the way he felt about his wife and children. Commitment is necessary
in long-term relationships because feelings for partners are always in flux:
love, boredom, anger, tenderness.

Commitment is what Daniel needs to fall back on when his feelings for his
wife are low and those for Helen are high. Commitment is the behaviour that acts
as glue when your feelings are haywire.


However, that's not to dismiss emotions entirely, as they can be an
indication that some stocktaking may be in order.

If Daniel was happy before Helen came along, he should look at his level of
marital consciousness, at perhaps investing in some maintenance, at confronting
some issue that may be bothering him that he's ignored.

love and marriage
It's not a paradox for Daniel to feel love for Helen and stay committed to
his family. His commitment will be there long after the intensity of his
feelings for Helen fades. Helen will hopefully remind him of how exhilarating
and in love he is with being in love. He should use this reminder to its best
advantage.

It's okay for him to feel it for Helen and direct it to his wife by buying
his wife flowers, champagne, or a romantic dinner. Daniel may be pleasantly
surprised by what he awakens and receives in return.

This article appealed because of the discussion of the difference between love and committment. This was a major point of our relationship - that we didn't base it on love because we had both experienced the waxing and waning/fleetingness of 'love', but moved on with the relationship based on a feeling of strong committment to each other (I've mentioned this in posts long ago).

I guess the article just confirms that he no longer felt that committment.

I started thinking tonight "why do I keep reading this column?". Am I *still* looking for justification for feeling so bad (ie read - not having coped at all well with the situation I went through)? Am I looking for evidence that one of us did the wrong thing?

The answer to those questions was no, on both counts. I came to realise that I read the column these days looking for some kind of confirmation that the way I think a relationship could be is not so off-the-planet as I'd perhaps been led to believe.

That my idea of a relationship based on committment, rather than love alone, is not such a hare-brained idea. One of those probably preceeds the other in most relationships, for me it was committment first and the love grew over time. I'm not sure in what order they occurred for him.

I read to learn how other relationships are, the pros and cons.

Maybe I'm reading with the intent of opening myself to the possibility of another relationship, and preparing myself for dealing with issues, and trying to decide whether to go for monogamy or something else.

It's not something I consciously think about - finding a partner, entering into an intimate relationship. I wonder if my sub-conscious is working on it.