Cleaning Up
Gave myself a manicure whilst watching Desperate Housewives tonight. My nails were in dire need of it after the full-on gardening weekend I'd had.
The Weekend
I had a big gardening weekend. The weather has cooled off and I could finally get out to the vege patch and rip it to shreds, tear out all the weeds and exhausted plants.
Got my nails good and dirty I can tell you. Planted some peas and beans and also added some more plants to my rear garden.
I was tired, in a good way. My body was reminding me (not so gently!) that it had been about a month since I did any serious gardening - aches abounded, but I wasn't quite crippled!
Then It Came ...
As I sat inside later, having a coffee, the funk descended upon me. It was most unexpected as I had achieved a considerable amount in the garden and was quite pleased with the end result.
I'm not sure where it came from, but there I was on the "What's the point to it all" train of thought once more.
Maybe it had come from thinking about parenting (after reading a blog) and the consequent thoughts of .. well what happens when *my* children are all grown up and have their own lives? Then what will I be living for?
Not that gardening has anything to do with my kids ... which is even more puzzling as to why these thoughts should pounce on me right when I'd just had a successful day/weekend (it was a two day job for me) in the garden; the only 'hobby' I really have, the only thing other than my children that can give me a sense of accomplishment.
That's Its Nature
But that's the nature of depression I've read - comes up and hits you again when you least expect it and when you think you've got it beat.
I don't really feel comfortable calling it depression, but I don't know any other thing to call it. That feeling of futility; that there *is* no point to life, that everything we do is just something to keep us distracted whilst we wait out our time to die. Thoughts of "so this is why we used to die off young - after we'd had our children and brought them to adulthood - so we didn't have to wait around for death". (Don't panic, I'm not in 'doing something stupid' mode. Thankfully it never gets that bad these days.)
Bringing Me Back to Earth
Maybe it's just a signal to come back to earth - after having recently been saying that I'd started reading another book and how that is an indicator of progress.
Maybe I haven't progressed as far as I thought :(
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3 comments:
after a week of decidedly spring-like weather, we have hit the deep freeze again.....risking all the precious green tips of the tulips, daffodils and other springtime greenery.
depression is a funky thing, and it comes and goes when we least expect it. any manner of the blues comes under the heading of depression.
You are experiencing the beginnings of empty nest syndrome. Your children have hit the ages where they are less dependent on you, and its reminding you that some day soon, the baby birds will leave the nest and then what will you do with your life....what will your value be. It is a natural response.
Now is the time to start figuring out what you want to do when you grow up. (I am still trying to figure that out). But I know I found purpose, working in my community, trying to right wrongs, make things better.
Is it enough? Some days.
Hang in there hon.....life is about changes....once we figure one part out, there is something new on the horizon to work on :)
You continue to progress....
I actually think this is a great post. The ultimate question. What's the point of life. When I was depressed many years ago, I thought life had no point. Now I think the point of it is to enjoy every day of it. All the wonders and surprises that it brings. This may sound corny, but to me life is beautiful.
Sorry it's been so long since I last commented. House-building has taken a serious toll on free time.
Hopefully you're past this feeling, but in case it lingers, here is something to remember...
No matter your beliefs, it can be said that whether a big bang or a big hand* created the universe, we all came from the stuff of forming stars.
So each and every one of us is a collection of star-stuff given a unique ability to actually consider the universe we find ourselves in.
Don't let death scare you. Death is only the last journey that we *know of*. We used to "know" that the world was flat and look what happened since then ;)
Cheers,
Trent
*big hand of a big bearded guy fond of burning innocent shrubs and turning people to pillars of salt.
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