Brief Hiatus

Am still here, still reading your blogs. Am busy with work, kids and looking after mum at the moment (everything is going well with mum - physio appt tomorrow may tell us more)

Update

Mum
Op went well according to the Dr. Spoke to her tonight and no drain or catheter nor even a drip, sounded rather woosy still but seems the pain is gone.
Big sigh of relief.

Work
Felt like I spent nearly half the day on the forktruck today, meaning lots of desk stuff didn't get done , not helped by the need to leave 45 minutes early to go to Parent/Teacher night.

Social
Am going to the movies with my ex-hubby, not sure when it will be due to post-op care of mum.
And no, still haven't come to a decision as to whether I dare show my face at Bunnings any time soon or not, mind you, the state of my wallet indicates I wont be going in there soon anyway(Yes I had thought of the benefits of getting a store discount if I were to date him - but that's not a good enough reason obviously!)

Other
Court stuff tomorrow and Thursday. Is 'sitting' ok with me, but not sure which path to take after that.

Going to the art gallery with my daughter on the weekend (she needs inspiration for a surrealism project at school).

Ciao

Storm

Quick note before going to work.

We had a most excellent thunder and lightening storm last night. The closest I've ever heard/seen lightening - didn't even get to count to one before the thunder came.

Thankfully no damage, and my thoughtful son put his mobile phone, with alarm set, next to my bed cos he didn't know how to reset my alarm.

Have a great day.

Mums' surgery today.

Wrong Time of Year?

I was rather surprised to find a gecko inside my letterbox the other day.
Not surprised to see him there as I have seen a gecko in the letterbox from time to time, but I thought the weather had got a bit too cool for them?
Maybe he's just confused - like the plants and birds. Plants flowering when they shouldn't (azaleas), birds nesting in autumn .... C'mon Mother Nature, stop confusing everyone with this weird weather would ya!

In Other News..
Mum
Mum goes into hospital Monday night to have something inserted in her spine on Tuesday. Fingers crossed it goes well.

Gardening ... or .. Where to Find a Man
Bought a new blower vac and have 'yard arms' from 3 hours of vac'ing leaves (i do love my liquidamber tree, honest!)
Am getting worried as I know now the Bunning garden staff member by name. The 'greeter' at the front of the store was trying to set me up with him when I was leaving (cos I wanted to leave a 'client satisfaction' form so he'd get brownie points for being helpful and knowledgable). Don't know if I'm brave enough to go back again now - for my wallet this is a good thing!
She told me he is available and that she was trying to boost his love life! I said that I was also available but not looking blah blah blah .. she said talking to me was just like talking to him (he says the same things about can't be bothered, don't know if we're willing to compromised anymore, perhaps become too selfish).
Weird....

Children
Went to a careers expo with the kids and the ex-hubby today. Was good. Got my son organised for enrolling full time for second semester. I'm sure it will be a shock to his system after this last 8 months of doing very little!
Also got info for my daughter on her plans to do 'something' to do with art and teaching. Several options at two uni's for her, one of which she thought sounded pretty good ( Fine Arts degree followed by Grad Dip in Education).
No report issued for term 1. I don't like this. Parent Teacher night this Tuesday. She's doing fine, even better than fine, but I don't like not receiving a report.

Work
End of Financial looms, budgets need doing, possible staff changes, I worked paid overtime for the first time on Saturday .... gawd knows what will happen tomorrow.

Me?
Don't know. Court on Thursday. Mum. Work. Tooooo much gardening to be done. Not enough housework done. Mortgage interest rate up. Need to keep on top of things, keep my eye on the budget/spending. Holidays seems so far away. Need 'me' time but do nothing with it. Still tacking down the trackless, found some disturbing information - might mean something, might not. Don't know.
Ciao.

Northern Hemisphere

It's not difficult to tell that it's spring in the Northern Hemisphere at the moment... my keyword searches (on my various blogs) are either about gardening or love (yearning/lost/sad/whatever).

Weird..

It's very odd but now and then when I light a cigarette it smells like marijuana! I've tried it once in my life (didn't seem to do anything for me) and only buy tailor-mades (ie packets) from retail outlets, so I'm sure there's no mary-jane there, but still, every now and then one will smell like it.

My Mothers Day
My kids spoiled me rotten on Mothers Day. Wonderful cooked breakky in bed (BIIIIGGGG treat) and a gorgeous orchid plant AND they bought me a combo DVD/VCR unit.
That last prezzie was purchased out of guilt, I know this for a fact. A few months ago I agreed to have the playstation 'modded' so that my son could buy a game from the US that wasn't going to be available here for months. The playstation was also our DVD player. About a month after the mod had been done I tried to have a movie night with my daughter (during the recent school holidays), but it wouldn't play DVD's anymore. My son felt dreadfully guilty about it cos it was he who wanted the playstation modded.
I had been thinking of buying one of these combo units for about 6 months as my VCR is getting pretty long in the tooth and I didn't want to buy a DVD unit on its own and have yet another set of cables to deal with. My son was aware of this - and so was the impetus for my amazing Mothers Day prezzie.

Others' Mothers Day
I didn't spoil my mum rotten on Mothers Day. I haven't 'celebrated' Mothers Day in her honour since I left my husband due to her behaviour and actions at that time. I'm sure I will have written about it in this blog somewhere in the past and am not going to reiterate the circumstances here; suffice to say I have not felt that we had a mother/daughter relationship during that period.

Due to recent events that is changing slightly, but I still did not feel inclined to do anything for her on Mothers Day. I do have a small pang about it though, as this year she wouldn't have reecieved anything from her other daughter either (due to the events following my grans death and the business with the will).

The issues with my sister have undoubtedly had an impact on, and influenced to at least some degree, the improvement in the relationship between my mum and me, which is kinda sad really - why should her relationship with one impact on her relationship with the other (when the two don't have anything to do with each other).

She recently said to me that what she had done/ what she had thought at the time (when I left my husband) had been proven to be wrong; but she did not apologise to me. I don't know if I would have felt any differently if she had, but it would have been something.

She is going to hospital for an operation on her back next week (the previous procedure hasn't had the desired effect). I hope it goes well, I hope she will be fine, but I worry that it wont be and that she wont be the same again.

Legal Stuff
... is continuing. Next step is very close, then it will be real hard decision time for me. I'm not looking forward to it.

Grr Blogger ... and Bad Dreams

Fun and Games
I was going to post this last night, but Blogger had other ideas.
My children have discovered a multiplayer game we all enjoy. It's an oldie that I got a freebie CD of on a cereal box quite a long time ago - Age of Empires I. Even my daughter likes to play it.
So we've been playing over our network at home, all three of us and having a blast.
It's reminded me of times when I used to do that a lot, with a particular someone -
but not so much that I haven't been able to enjoy it. I love that it's something all three of us can do 'together'.




I had a disturbing dream last night - I warn you it's about children being killed. Don't read below if that in itself turns you off. I'll try to put enough space here that it is isn't visible without scrolling down.
I'm writing it down so it's here for me to keep looking at to try unravel.



















Not So Fun and Games
I didn't post the above this morning as I was feeling very uncomfortable this morning having had a very disturbing dream - and no, it wasn't about that particular someone.
In fact it wasn't about anyone that I knew; the people in it were all strangers. That in itself is pretty unusual for me - dreams that I can recall after waking are generally about people I know.
It was awful - children being killed in front of their parents. Thankfully the children weren't aware of what was going to happen to them. (I wont go into the detail of how that happened, but it was very graphic in the dream) I only saw two, and only saw one parent reaction (only that childs' parent was present - other than the people making the events occur) ... and the parents reaction was just zombie like ...
The thoughts that went through my dream-selfs' head whilst having the dream were along the lines of .. no, no the parents are doing it wrong, they should be showing happy faces to their children (as they zoom down a slide, not knowing their death is at the end of it), pretend that everything is fine, just as if they are at a park or carnival. They should do that for their child, so their child doesn't become aware that something is wrong, that something bad is going to happen .. to prevent the child from the awful realisation of what is about to happen, so that the child can avoid being scared and terrorised with fear. To protect the child. Afterwards is when the parent can let it out. They should be strong for their child.
Thankfully I woke after the second childs death and didn't have to 'watch' any more of it. I felt ill when I woke up, and very disturbed.
I don't know whether it's due to the content of the dream - the scene I was being showed, or because of the thoughts of my dream-self. (I didn't see myself in the dream so I'm unsure if I was actually present).
My first thought was how on earth did I think a parent could be that strong? Could I be that strong? (I doubt it). Is that how I think parents should be? (I don't know) Is there a point at which it's time to stop protecting our children from ugly realities? (I don't know). ..... are these the things this dream is trying to get me to think about? (I don't know)
I can't think of anything that has happened, that I've read about or seen or been told about that would be a trigger for this dream. But then I haven't been able to work out what it's about either .. so realising what may have been a trigger is rather impossible.
They were young children, much much younger than my own, Asian in appearance (as were those causing the events to happen).

I hope never recall another dream like that. I still feel disturbed now, and a bit uneasy about going to bed tonight.

Pooped Again!

At least with this wonderful autumn weather we're having I'm getting some exercise.

Another beautiful day today, about 22 degrees, sunny and very little wind.

Inspired by a gardening show on tele last night I finally did the lawn patching for which I had bought seed and fertiliser back in spring. Also did a bit more pruning as the green waste collection starts in my area tomorrow.

I have blisters and tired arms, but I'm satisfied with my weekends endeavours.

Will be posting to my garden journal - probably tomorrow night though, cos I'm tooo tired and have to prepare for work tomorrow.

It's Ball Night Tonight!

My Live Journal

My princess and belle of the ball is off, hopefully having a wonderful time.

If you want to see her transformation from shy teen to belle of the ball then click on the link above.

The Purpose of My Life .. Maybe.

Often when I have pondered the purpose of my life I keep getting drawn back to 'helping peple'.

When I think back it has been a recurring role that I have played and popped/pops up in para-psychological tests (you know the type - Myers/Briggs personality type, team role lables. career quizzes, that kind of thing).

It is true of me, I do like to help people. That 'helping' can take many forms, it doesn't really seem to matter what form it takes.

I help my kids (in growing to become whatever they're going to become), I help my ex (with parenting and being an 'ear'), I help my friends where I can, I help my boss ... I don't do anything amazing, mind you, but I do help them.

I'm the kind of person who will help a stranger struggling with an armful of something trying to open a door. I'll pay the 10c that the person in front of me at the cash register is short.

Perhaps I should be just content with that; that mine is to be auxillary.

But somehow I'm not. Mostly, I think, because there will probably come the time when there is no-one for me to help. When the kids are grown and doing fine on their own, the day I retire from the workforce. Friends will still be there, and the occasional stranger who could do with a lending hand, but then what do I do; then what is my role? Maybe it's just the threat of empty nest syndrome, but considering it's something that has been there through my life (from before I had children) I don't think that's all there is to it.

I've thought about volunteering, but hearing of my mums experiences with it, and knowing that I really am a lazy bugger when it really comes down to it, I'm not sure that it's for me. Maybe that will change though.

Maybe then I'll just have to help myself. But I don't really know what that means.

grrr and there I was saying that I'd tried to give up on the navel gazing too much, oh well, failed again!

Dream

I dreamt about him last night; 'nuff said.

Not much else to add other than it's ball night tomorrow night! Can't wait to see how our princess looks all done up. I hope she has a great night.

Depressed about impending increase in my mortgage interest rate, thanks to the hike by the reserve bank this week :(

Suicide

Reasons why we don't want to live ..
On Enough Rope tonight Andrew was interviewing Diane Cilento (famous for a number of things, one being that she was married to Sean Connery when he played James Bond) they spoke briefly of her attempted suicide.

I related very much to what she said:
(not verbatim)

"... when you've got no where to go, when you can't move ... like in chess when there's no square to go to .. when you are blocked from moving"

The Meaning of Life ...
The previous guest had been John Anderson (former deputy Prime Minister of Aust) who accidentally killed his sister when he was 14 (playing backyard cricket, he hit a ball, it hit her in the neck and she died). This is when he became a Christian. His comment was along the lines of "it was either that or continue living an empty meaningless life".

I could relate to this comment too ... as I have sometimes, in the meanderings along the pathways in my mind and the contemplation of my current life, come to envy those who have strong faith in their religion. I guess that's because I still fail to grasp the reason why I'm here, the purpose of my life; and I know that, for some, they find the answers to those questions in religion.

Sometimes I envy them. But that doesn't mean it's for me. And so I go on with my meagre little life, trying not to navel gaze too often - sometimes it's better to simply not ask the question.