I am truly suprised by myself ..

That night I was a void; empty and much nothingness.

The next morning I was cold, deep frozen.

This morning the thawing has begun already, and the ice seems to be melting at a faster rate than I thought it would.

It would seem that I am walking, unaided and with no limp.

Is this because the fall was shorter than I had believed it might be (you know how distances can look deceiving ... how a jump looks further from up there than from down here)?

Is it because I had a safety net? (ie Having anticpated the fall as a real possibility I was not caught unprepared)?

Or is it that I have simply wiped it from memory. Doesn't feel like it.

Or maybe I have learned (somehow, somewhere, sometime) how to roll on landing.

I'm not sure, but it is good and I'll take that as it is.

It feels as though ... although I suffered a fall that it was not down into the dark pit. I fell instead onto the earth (a much shorter fall) and that there was a degree of bounce. Maybe I landed on a patch of grass instead of onto the rocks.

I am surprised that it feels as though I might be up and about already .. though the legs are a little unsteady.

Lessons for the Emotionally Challenged

Yes well, ok life, thankyou self, am trying to be a Good Girl and learn my lessons.

The most I feel I can say at this point, having had to be at work today and not had the capacity to think it all through yet, is that it's a good thing I was just walking.... hmm ok, maybe the pace had quickened to a skip and a hop, but I wasn't, thankfully, running full bore, and I hadn't fallen. Thankfully ... because the impact was not as hard as it could have been.

(Lesson 1.
Walk before you run.)

So maybe that in itself tells me something - that I did manage to exert some level of self control over my emotions; because I wasn't running flat out and hadn't yet fallen. I was dismayed and scared because it seemed I was not making a very good job of self control, but now I see there was some, just not enough.

Oh but it felt so good :( (such a small word for such a big feeling), so easily and freely smiling really smiling, not just my face. The spark of joie de vrie (yeah yeah, my french still sucks). Feeling happy for no particular reason. Physically emotional responses (which startled me hugely). It truly felt as though the old me was back.

I had thought/hoped that it would happen gradually, the return of my emotional self .. start by just looking out the window, then maybe opening the door and looking outside, and then, very gradually, take one small step after the other.

But no, that's not what happened. I guess this is what happens when something becomes shut away - runs amok when finally let out.

(Lesson 2.
If you shut something away it will go beserk when let out. The obvious
solution is to let it out from time to time ... but I don't know how to do that
in this case.)

And that's what scared me, the old me. The old me that included a full set of emotions. Yes, I reminded myself that I couldn't be trusted, I tried to dampen them down, but they weren't really listening. And I knew it.

Perhaps at that point I should have retreated, yes ... I think that may have been for the best.

But I didn't, the water was toooo inviting. No self control :(

Couldn't control/decide for myself so I did the childish thing - tried to hand that responsibility over to someone else.

Lesson 3.
The only one responsible for me and my decisions is me. I should not try palm off that responsibility when it gets hard.

Lesson 4.
Social niceties, the lesson I purposely chose to ignore because it seems to distasteful to me; to have to hide what I am and what I am thinking/feeling. That cannot be right. I have not yet learned this lesson.

Lesson 5.
Fleeing in panic is not a good thing. I did not flee in panic; for this I am proud of myself. It was rather difficult to stay and discuss what had happened, but I did it, and I believe it was a good decision.

Lesson 6.
Looking back is a good thing.
I looked back over what had transpired, and saw that I had perhaps not been quite as foolish as I had felt I had been. This was a good thing to become aware of. A sign that there had still been some self control. Not really a surprising lesson as this is something I do frequently already.



And now it is back .. that emptiness; the hollow me, the safer me. The emptiness that had been briefly filled is again a void. And I knew; my emotions were safely locked away again where they can do me no harm.


I need to put more grey matter though to this last (and other matters), and try to work out what it is that I do now.

I'm sure there'll be other insights as I continue to once again re-assess, re-evaluate, re-consider.

The damage done is less than before; for this I am thankful.

It's ok, dear readers, I know this makes little sense to you. That's ok, cos it's For Me.

Dream

When I finally slept last night, around 3am, I had a weird dream. I woke just before 4 as a result.

It involved him (no, not the him I've written about this weekend) and her, and their respective families (interesting as I've never met hers), my boss was in it too. A house that was not mine but in which I was living and from which we (the boss and I) were running business. And them taking that house back (notice - not taking it away from me, but taking it back specifically). Some written document - a super fund failure or some such, not sure - it's just an impression (there is a small form with gren text and blue or purple imprinting on it with numbers), being the reason. The boss is just sitting in an easy chair reading a newspaper. They watch carefully what I start getting together to take (ie so I don't take something that isn't mine). Dream ended.

Strange.

Insomnia

Sleep is eluding me once again. They say if you aren't alseep withing x amount of time you should get up and do something else. So that is what I'm doing. If I write some if down maybe it will help.

Thursday night
Went to bed even more confused than I had been earlier in the evening. His words in my head, body reeling with intense physical sensations, I let them to happen, allow them to run their course, and subside. The words run through my head, I can't sleep.

Confusion. Have I misinterpreted? Some parts don't seem to go with other parts. I re-read, re-read, re-read. Understanding eludes me; I find no clarity.

Friday brings more e-mail. By Friday night I am certain I have misinterpreted the mornings' message. It concerns me as to why this is - was I too focussed on myself? Have I not given enough thought to the other?

I have no idea what I am doing, what I am walking in to. At least it feels as though I am walking however, not running.

I will try again for sleep.

The poor man. Innocently enquiring after someone he used to know at school. He had no idea. And look what he got.

If it had been anyone else from school it wouldn't have been like this, but no, it was him.

I'm wondering if the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all this is that I just am not ready to be let out into the wider world; that I don't yet know how to conduct myself 'properly', i.e. like everyone else; that I am not safe to be let loose on normal folk. Perhaps this is to teach me I should still keep myself to myself.

Sad :( I so wanted to be ready.

Or maybe it's to teach me something else.

I don't like not knowing what the lesson is.



Now I question whether allowing him to choose was actually me abrogating a responsibility that I should have taken myself. Whether is was the right thing to do.

If (one of) the lesson is that I have to re-learn social 'niceties' then I'm through with this lesson (not having learned the lesson, rather deciding that .... that this is a lesson I do not want to learn).

I really should have had that lobotomy. My head is my worst enemy. Not because thinking is bad, just I wish I could get to the point of having thought and then turn it off.

Mother Nature

We had a small amount of more winter-like weather this week. My garden is covered in leaves. I know what I will be doing this weekend. Same ol' same ol'.

I didn't get to buy a lotto ticket - oh well.

Very interesting/coincidental entry in the horoscopes in todays' paper for me:

"Someone from the past may reappear or occupy your thoughts. And whether this person stirs up happy memories or old resentments, it is important not to dwell on what happened long ago. Put it down to experience."

With the reappearance of the person from my school days this week I find this entry very timely. Maybe this is the advice I've been needing to hear - on how to handle the situation.

I Could Buy A Lottery Ticket, and my Navel.

(yes, still writing could where most would put a should ... it's just one of those little brain tricks)

Well, it has been an interesting week, and good things are meant to come in threes - I've had two, so maybe a lottery ticket purchase would be a good idea.

Unexpected Things Aren't Always Bad
I was contacted out of the blue this week by someone from my past. We met in a group situation about 9 years ago and spoke fairly briefly. Before that it was probably 10 or more years since I'd seen the person, and on that occassion I believe we didn't have any lengthy conversation either (again, it was a group situation). Before that we went to school together for 5 years.

Yes, someone from my past of 30 years ago.

I have very definite memories of this person, for particular reasons. Memories that come in and out of the great filing cabinet of memories from time to time over the years. They are not bad memories.

We are perhaps going to meet up; chew the fat and swap stories of our lives' journeys.

I wonder whether we will like the people that we meet; the people we have become.

It is with some trepidation that I write about this as they found me via my website and now have been reading the blog (with my permission). Maybe after reading it they wont want to meet anymore; if that's the case then c'est la vie. I am who I am, I have been whom I have been.

Which leads me on to ....

(that was Good Thing number one, by the way)

Navel Gazing
(well it wasn't actually my navel I was gazing at as I was driving at the time, but you get the idea)
In replying to the unexpected e-mail I commented on my grey hairs, and I guess that might be what started this train of thought as I drove home from work one evening this week, or maybe it was the possibility of meeting with this person, anyway ...

"What does the fact that I don't dye my hair anymore, wear very little make-up, don't bother too much about how I dress (other than when I'm at work) say about me?"

The train lead me down the following path:
1. Psychologists/Therapists and the like would no doubt say that it shows low self esteem; that I don't take care of myself, that I don't take pride in my appearance because I feel I am unworthy.

2. Alternately (yeah there goes the Libran in me, must have inherited it from Mum, who is a Libran) there are those who might say it shows a strong sense of self; that I am sufficiently confident in myself to not have to 'enhance' my appearance. (*Not* meaning that I think I'm so stunningly gorgeous that I don't need make-up, more that I just think I'm ok as I am au naturale)

3. Or then there's the theory that I just don't give a damn anymore. If people don't like how I look that's their problem. (Maybe 3 is the same as 2?)

4. Or maybe I'm just a lazy bugger.

5. Or maybe it's because I'm 'just not looking' (ie for a partner).

I decided that 2, 3 and 4 probably all apply, in differing doses. I guess I have to entertain the idea that maybe there's some 5 in there as well, but if I were to go out to meet someone I'd probably go au naturale; I'm not into making myself something I'm not and putting up a false front; so maybe we can wipe 5 out too.

Don't get me wrong; for the right occassion I can dress up to the nines like the best of them, but those occassions are very few and far between these days.

Good Thing Number Two ..No, Not Good - Fantastic, Stupendous, Fabulous!!
Chatting on the phone with mum tonight (she's doing ok, not fantastic, but ok) we got around to talking about the will. She told me what she is going to do with some of the money .... she's going to help me finish off my entertaining area - build the pond and the bali hut/gazebo as my birthday present this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (can you tell I'm excited??)

I'd just about given up hope of ever getting those parts done - or at least not until I retired and got my superannuation money. And now it's (most likely) going to happen.

Oh My Fictional Deities!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it.

She was thrilled at my thrilled reaction :)

So yeah, that was Good Thing number two ...

So Tell Me....
I'm curious, if you were about to meet someone you hadn't really seen for about 30 years, and you knew they had a blog, and you were about to meet them, would you read their blog? or would you wait until after you'd met?

Handywoman

Am feeling very pleased with myself at the moment.

'Tis my treasured day off and I've just finished re-sealing the gap between my kitchen bench and the tiled wall. This is a job I've thought of trying to do for quite a long time. The old sealant was discoloured and had broken away in a few places.

I had done the re-sealing around the bath whilst mum was here and it was a success, so thought I'd move on to more of a challenge.

The longest part of the job (in the kitchen) was removing the old sealer .. over an hour of scraping and twisting the old stuff out of the gap. I hadn't bothered to do this in the bathroom but the sealer there was in better condition than this lot.

Now I'm freezing my butt off sitting here with the doors open to try help clear the smell ... at least this time I remembered to take the rags covered with turps out of the room (had wondered why the bathroom still smelt of the stuff days later!)

Hmm, now what other jobs could I do today?

Life Returns to Normal (Whatever that is)

Mum
We took mum home yesterday. I'm confident that she'll be ok on her own. I hope she continues to recover well and that the excuriating pain first thing in the morning eventually subsides.

She has an appt in about a month with the surgeon so we will know more then.

Brownie points to both of us for not having driven each other insane; I do understand how hard it is to not be in your own place and not have your own things around. I'm sure I will miss the midnight fairie that used to make my dishes disappear and being greeted at the door after work with a coffee ready made.

Knitting
I've very nearly finished one more scarf. Once that's done I'm going to do a beret - my ex's mum gave my mum some previous issues of the Guardian Angel knitting books and there's one in there. Having seen about 4 books now I think we managed to jag the best one!
With mum gone now though I think I'll be knitting less and spending more time back at the computer.

Me.
I'm ok. Noticed some PMS emo type stuff coming over me this week - and two days later Mother Nature reminded me I'm a female capable of reproducing. Have wondered whether there's ever been a study of what percentage of female resignations occurred during PMS time.

I don't like it.

As my son drove my car to my mums (cos I was driving mums' car) we had music playing on the way back home. (I stopped playing the classical cd's in my car a couple of months ago and have been driving in silence again).

Their compilation cd's put together by one of my sons friends, and one of the songs really hit me.

A song from another time.

"I'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me"

Strange, I wasn't feeling depressed or anything but just had to sing along.


Legal matter at decision point.


Have been watching grass grow - literally.


Despairing about the amount of work I do in the garden and it still looking like it's half neglected.


Another small step this week - am going to the movies and it's not to watch a kids movie.


I'm kinda weary of the world, but still too many things to keep me here.

Update

Following todays' physio appt it looks like mum will definately be going home this Saturday.

This years' Guardian Angel knitting book isn't to our liking; I'm glad we have our ones from a couple of years ago and that they will accept items knitted from that one.

Guardian Angels Knitting

Guardian Pharmacies

I'm doing the 'granny' thing again. I did this about two years ago for the first time. I have two finished beanies (by yours truley) and a scarf (made by my daughter) from that time, which I never got around to handing in, and an un-sewn together jumper.
The Guardian Pharmacies run a Guardian Angel thing in winter where they give out free knitting books. You knit whatever you want from the book and take it back to the pharmacy. The items are distributed through World Vision to needy children.
My un-sewn together jumper has been put together thanks to my mum and a crotchet hook. I have completed another beanie and am half way through a matching scarf.
Gotta have something to do at night, may as well be this.