The most I feel I can say at this point, having had to be at work today and not had the capacity to think it all through yet, is that it's a good thing I was just walking.... hmm ok, maybe the pace had quickened to a skip and a hop, but I wasn't, thankfully, running full bore, and I hadn't fallen. Thankfully ... because the impact was not as hard as it could have been.
(Lesson 1.
Walk before you run.)
So maybe that in itself tells me something - that I did manage to exert some level of self control over my emotions; because I wasn't running flat out and hadn't yet fallen. I was dismayed and scared because it seemed I was not making a very good job of self control, but now I see there was some, just not enough.
Oh but it felt so good :( (such a small word for such a big feeling), so easily and freely smiling really smiling, not just my face. The spark of joie de vrie (yeah yeah, my french still sucks). Feeling happy for no particular reason. Physically emotional responses (which startled me hugely). It truly felt as though the old me was back.
I had thought/hoped that it would happen gradually, the return of my emotional self .. start by just looking out the window, then maybe opening the door and looking outside, and then, very gradually, take one small step after the other.
But no, that's not what happened. I guess this is what happens when something becomes shut away - runs amok when finally let out.
(Lesson 2.
If you shut something away it will go beserk when let out. The obvious
solution is to let it out from time to time ... but I don't know how to do that
in this case.)
And that's what scared me, the old me. The old me that included a full set of emotions. Yes, I reminded myself that I couldn't be trusted, I tried to dampen them down, but they weren't really listening. And I knew it.
Perhaps at that point I should have retreated, yes ... I think that may have been for the best.
But I didn't, the water was toooo inviting. No self control :(
Couldn't control/decide for myself so I did the childish thing - tried to hand that responsibility over to someone else.
Lesson 3.
The only one responsible for me and my decisions is me. I should not try palm off that responsibility when it gets hard.
Lesson 4.
Social niceties, the lesson I purposely chose to ignore because it seems to distasteful to me; to have to hide what I am and what I am thinking/feeling. That cannot be right. I have not yet learned this lesson.
Lesson 5.
Fleeing in panic is not a good thing. I did not flee in panic; for this I am proud of myself. It was rather difficult to stay and discuss what had happened, but I did it, and I believe it was a good decision.
Lesson 6.
Looking back is a good thing.
I looked back over what had transpired, and saw that I had perhaps not been quite as foolish as I had felt I had been. This was a good thing to become aware of. A sign that there had still been some self control. Not really a surprising lesson as this is something I do frequently already.
And now it is back .. that emptiness; the hollow me, the safer me. The emptiness that had been briefly filled is again a void. And I knew; my emotions were safely locked away again where they can do me no harm.
I need to put more grey matter though to this last (and other matters), and try to work out what it is that I do now.
I'm sure there'll be other insights as I continue to once again re-assess, re-evaluate, re-consider.
The damage done is less than before; for this I am thankful.
It's ok, dear readers, I know this makes little sense to you. That's ok, cos it's For Me.
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