Settling

I've come down from the high self-congratulatory vibe of thinking I'd learned how to bounce back/roll on landing. That's because it wasn't far enough a fall; there was no bounce or roll required.

The reaction was, I think, like when you can see something painful is coming and you tense up and get ready for the pain .... the thing hits and you curl up dying from the pain.

But the pain is imagined. After a while you realise what hit you wasn't what you thought it was going to be and there's no actual reason for you to be in pain.

I think this might be what happened. I got ready to be flung down into the pit and onto the rocks, ending up a nasty squishy mess. Because that's where I thought I was headed that's where I went, for a while.

Then realised I wasn't a nasty squishy mess. I could walk.

Intially I thought that meant that I had bounced back, but now I think it's just because the thing I had prepared for is not what was coming.

I'm feeling less mortal again :( I'm feeling more 'me' again - the me of about three weeks ago.

Is this good or is this bad?
I'm not sure yet.

This experience has been interesting, if nothing else. But what am I truly to learn from it? Yes, I've written about lessons, and I will review the writings; to review and assess whether they reflect what is true or whether they were influenced too heavily by what I was feeling/experiencing at the time.

Where is the girl that popped her head up so briefly?
I'm not sure where she is. In some ways it would be nice if she hasn't fled so far away, but in other ways I hope she stays wherever she is for quite some time yet.

I know close friends are delighted to have seen her; to know that she is not dead; it had been such a long time since she'd last been seen.

And what of the awakening?
What is the point of something being awakened if it has no role to play, is not a part of my life. What am I to do with it. I fear it will bring me more pain, feelings of loneliness ... I've been managing just fine without having that to contend with.

The Good and the Bad
I'm glad it was him this happened with; perhaps this is the reason he came into my life at this time. If it hadn't been for him I think this could have been a lot messier.

But I feel badly that I have caused another to have doubt, to have had to analyse his self. It was me who caused that. Maybe I am too much afterall.


Something was lost :(.

I'm not certain whether something has been found.