The Path with a Dead End

I smell like sex on a stick :( My body just wont let up. My attempts to sate the fire by myself have been unsuccessful :( How long is this going to go on :(




To delve into this mornings thoughts a little more ..

Where did I/we go wrong? Did we not see what was going to happen, did we avoid discussing the things we should have stopped to think about (that maybe would have stopped us from taking that turn that lead to a dead end).

No, we did not ignore/avoid discussing it:

In e-mail I sent on the Friday night I stated explicitly that it was not a good idea that we give in to our desires/needs/wants/feelings. I queried whether we would be able to exert sufficient control over ourselves. If the answer was that we didn't know/knew that we couldn't exert sufficient control, then I asked him to look very objectively at whether it was time for me to bow out of the situation so that he could concentrate on his relationship.

In regards to control he said he was happy to have the fantasy whilst still having reservations about pursuing it - that this was keeping him in check. Also that the feeling was I should stay, that he felt running away was not the answer.

On the Sunday night we started in IM, he quickly got to the point of wanting to discuss matters face to face. I replied that I didn't trust myself to be within arms reach ... he replied he also didn't trust himself to be near me. So we continued in IM.

I asked him what had happened in regards to his relationship over the weekend. This is the first thing I needed to know. He had not had a chance to resolve anything as his partner had been ill and the time was simply not right to raise those kinds of matters with her (the weekend prior she had queried whether he wanted a 'break' when he raised the issue of them needing to spend time on each other rather than running around doing things for everyone else every weekend - the comment had taken him hugely by surprise and shock).

He continued on to talk about the fact that if the fantasy was pursued that he saw only pain for someone (her, him and/or me), and that he would end up in an untenable (my word, not his) position.

At that point I said that this left me no option (ie no option other than to depart the scene).

But no, he wanted to understand what was going on, be mature and talk rather than run and hide ... hoping that with that understanding we could 'leash' this thing before it consumed us. Then, that he really preferred to discuss it face to face (text not being as natural a form of communication for him as it is for me).

And so we met for coffee at a cafe, in public, somewhere neutral and safe, to try garner some understanding, hoping that it would help with our control. Amidst stupid silly grins and spontaneous episodes of smiling we talked. About his relationship, about his mid-life crisis, about what I'd written about the 'test' It was Sunday, the cafe closed at 10, we were nowhere done talking.

We went back to his place - it being close to the cafe. We sat on separate couches and talked, at various points me asking whether the discussion and attempting to understand was helping quench/dousing the fire - the answer was no .... I left at about 2am.

And that was when the shaking began, and that was when I hit the round-a-bout.

I had thought I was returning just for more coffee and talk, but when I walked past him to sit on the lounge he said "come here" and took me in his arms and held me, and we were both lost, there was no more thinking, just feeling.


So did we ignore things we shouldn't have ... no, we did not ignore them. We discussed those things that should be at the top of the list in these situations. We thought that in discussing them we would help increase our levels of control, but that did not occur.

Perhaps some will think this makes what we did even worse than if we had just been totally blind to the consequences. But once he took me in his arms that was it, there simply was no more thought, I was totally incapable of thought. Perhaps the same was true for him (one of the many many unanswered questions within me)

We tried to do what seemed to be right, and ended up on that dead-end road anyway.


And all within me wonders what else could we have done to avoid this?

I kept asking if I should bow out ... maybe I should have despite his replies that I should stay. Obviously I should not have gone back the way I'd come to the round-a-bout ... but my body was reacting so violently - I didn't, and still don't understand it.

I'm not finding this helpful.

One Week Ago

One week ago I awoke to a beautiful wonderful day.

Today it is grey and raining.

Although the sun has been shining the other days I barely noticed it.

I have started to look back at the conversation on that fateful Sunday night; I'm trying to see where I/we went wrong.

Did we avoid talking of the consequences, did we avoid saying we shouldn't do it, did we talk about the things that would stop us from losing control.

I will look again tonight and see what I find.



And all of me wonders what is happening for him, how he is. I feel desperate to know - but also know that I cannot know. Is there an enforced (short) separation for them so both can do some thinking .... if so he is also alone :(. Is the pain and confusion becoming less for him - I hope so.

I so much want to comfort him and share with him what I know of these situations, to try help.

But I cannot.

Tracking

Woke in a sweat last night

Alone

I feel so alone :(

Adrenalin

It would seem the adrenalin is running rife in my body.

I'm not sleeping well and my weight is the same as my age (has gone down since I last noted what it was). Maybe it is part of the reason for the other sensations in my body also.

Found this:
"Once adrenaline is released into your blood stream in excess quantity it remains there for up to 48 hours. That's two whole days that you're ready to fight or flee, and it doesn't take much to provoke you." (entire article here)

And of course it doesn't help that I smoke.

It seems what I have to do is some kind of physical activity to reduce the adrenalin.

I hope it's fine on the weekend so I can garden, maybe that will help.

Off Button

Would someone please show me where the off button to my body is?

It's making it so hard for me - having this constant yearning in my body. I am afraid I will be weak. I know I must not be.

And my stomache is churning, but I don't think it is with guilt - it doesn't feel like that.

I'm sure it will not be being like this for him; he has other things to concentrate on and to think about.

I will try reading the other book tonight, see if that helps.

S'ok, I know, I put myself here .... no, we put ourselves here.

I Do Not Understand

I do not understand why I feel no guilt regarding what has happened.

I just do not feel any guilt at all - does this mean I am a bad person?

I don't think I'm a bad person (though I'm sure there are those who do).

Is it because, as he said, he would not allow me to be the person that comes between .... and he has not allowed that to happen.

Is it because of the lack of contact - the fact that his pain and what he goes through now is not in my face? (I don't think so)

Is this what the feeling of 'it will be ok because it is him' was about?

I don't know, I don't understand.

Questions

I have so many questions, they gnaw at my brain.

But I know my place is to not have them answered, for me there is to be no peace of mind. This is what I deserve, this is my consequence.

I know this is how it should be, how it has to be. I accept it, accept the suffering that I now endure.

For me there is to be nothing.

It's hard.

My body constantly reminds me that it has been awakened :(

Many a sad moment overtakes me and I find myself with tears in my eyes, a dull ache in my heart, my stomache churning and light headed.

I'm not sleeping well (not surprised), keep waking every hour or so.

I continue to check for e-mails, though I know there will be none.

At the same time my stomache churns - whether it's internal angst at myself because I've done wrong, or internal rebellion that this is wrong I don't know. I would think it's more likely the first, but it could also be the second.

A clean quicker cut this time. I tell myself that this will make it easier, for both of us.

I have told him never to contact me again, not even in the few weeks or months that he mentioned - so as to never create in her that doubt that maybe he will be tempted by me again.

The rules I have set are made to ensure success in his endeavour to rebuild his partners' trust and the continuation, and improvement, of his relationship. They will be hard for me to follow, but I know I must, so that he and she can be at peace with each other.

He doesn't know where I live, even had my CDs returned to a friends address rather than mine, so that his partner can know that at times when they are not together she need not be worried that he might come see me. I made him return them so there is no physical reminder of me for him - to make it easier for him to forget me.

I know he can do this. He is a good man (despite what happened), a strong man, a man of his convictions. He is committed to her as my partner was not committed to me.

I wish them a long and happy life together. I hope their relationship becomes better and stronger as a result of what has happened. It will not fail due to him, I know he will give his utmost to this; I don't know her, I hope she is as committed as he.

I truly wish this for him (a long and happy life together), even though it causes me great pain to say it as success means I will never see him again.

Tracking

Just tracking this -woke up in a sweat last night - first time since I last wrote it down

think I may have orgasm'd in my sleep

Body Shaking - What Does it Mean?

There have been two occasions (that I recall, perhaps there have been others, if so they are lost to my memory) on which my body has shaken vigourously for no apparent reason.

The most recent time was Sunday week (20th August). I'd been playing with the fire .. out for coffee then back to someone's home, and left. About 5 minutes after I got in the car to drive home my body started shaking. I was not drunk, I hadn't had more coffee than usual, I was not ill, there was nothing physically wrong with me.

On the other occasion that I recall this happening it was sitting at the table with my ex-partner back in October last year (here is the post about that meeting) .. I commented on it in that post pondering whether it was caused by frustration or maybe inner conflict.

I'm starting to think it's an indication of inner conflict.

Reason being that on that fateful Sunday night I had gotten up and driven away from a particular situation; I had done the 'right' thing - logically. But my sub had told me to allow myself fun, excitement and adventure (and I think perhaps joy and happiness) and here I was driving away from it. And my body was shaking so violently that I was worried to be driving ...
I pulled over, sent an SMS and drove on ... still shaking.

The reply came that I could come back. My logical brain was still in control and I advised that was not a good idea as I would likely lose control/have no control. You can come back, he said, the door is open and the light is on.

I was at a round-a-bout at this point; a very physical representation of where I was emotionally and logically ... round and round and round I went (literally, round and round the round-a-bout) .... and headed back the way I had come.

When I got there I was not shaking so violently, but was still trembling.

And neither of us had any control; there was no thinking, just feeling.

The fire roared out of control and everyone got burned :(, as we both knew would happen if control were to be lost.

Conclusion
Did I do the right thing by myself? I don't know ... yet, maybe time will tell me the answer.

Should I have listened so well to my self .. shaking me, telling me I was in conflict? Or was it telling me that this is what it's like when you are so strong and do what you know is right even though it is not what you want to do.

I don't know :(

So what am I to do the next time I find myself shaking all over?

I guess what I think I should do is count to 10, take deep breaths and stand still for a bit. But then what .... how do I decide which way to go, which way to exit the round-a-bout .... which is the right way?

Alone Again

I so much feel the need for a hug and someone to look after me, tell me it wil be ok.
But I can't ask for that; I don't deserve that - the situation is of my own making :(, well, maybe not entirely, true.

And if anyone were to show me kindness right now I would melt on the floor in a puddle.


And the realisation comes that it is me on whom I should rely, and me who should look after me, not someone else.

So I will go and try look after me.

Fortunate

Somewhere in this city there is a very fortunate woman.

I hope she comes to realise how fortunate she is, and to appreciate what she has.

The sun shone today and it was warm- at least so I am told. I would have had to be told because I did not notice it myself.

Yes there is more .... later.

Progress?

The bookseller was there at the supermarket tonight. He isn't there very often. Last time I walked away with two novels. Tonight I walked away with something rather different to that.

As I walked away from the stall, with two books in a bag, I pondered on the contents, and what it might mean that these two books are what I was drawn to tonight.

They are 'What about the big stuff' (by the guy who wrote 'Don't sweat the small stuff') and the other is 'The Five Feel-good Factors'.

Is this an indication that I'm ready to move forward? I think it does.

And I think I'm now ready to move forward thanks to the events of the last couple of months.
(I remember writing somewhere, maybe not here, maybe this is what I have to go through to get elsewhere')

Thankyou :)

Wonderful

It was such a gorgeous day today ... happened to find myself outside in the sunshine about 2.30pm today. It felt so good I really didn't want to return to work after my errand. Thoughts of a park and sitting on a blanket in the sun.

It's been a wonderful few days - not only due to the weather (the weather was only like that today).

Started on Sunday with a surprise, which in turn lead to more and more surprise and finally sensory overload.

The last few days have been spent in a most magical place .... floating ohhhh soooo gently down the river through the dappled shade of trees, quietly watching the flow of the gentle waters around, the little streams and rivulets moving along with the river ... leading who knows where (and not caring about where they go .. just happy to lay there floating along, gazing into the water).

Such serenity, calm and peacefulness like I haven't experienced in a very long time.

It's been a wonderful few days.

And today it was as if spring is in the air (thought to myself 'spring is a week early').


Ahhhhhhhhhhhh felt good.

Round A Bout

Sunday night I found myself in a round-a-bout ..... went round and round a few times, then found myself going back the way I had come.

Sometimes the best way forward is to backtrack :)

The Nature of the Fire

It seems important to me to try determine the nature of the fire.

Is it lust?
Is it infatuation?
Is it - (no, I'm not just avoiding using the L word here, it would seem to me far too premature to be considering love).

Lust
I looked up lust, it's about physical/sexual gratification. Most certainly there is an element of this happening ... desire for sexual gratification from/with him.

But I don't think that's all there is to it .. else why would I be thinking that all I want to do is go over there and lay on his couch, in his arms and watch his DVD of a fire. Nothing sexual about that.

I don't find myself physically attracted to him - it's not like looking at a hunk in a magazine and thinking OMG I want to get it on with him! This is another reason why I don't think it's all about lust.

Can you be in lust with someones' mind, with 'who' they are - that doesn't sound like lust to me.

Infatuation
Infatuation is generally assigned as something that happens to teenagers. Obviously we are not teenagers - not now. But we were teenagers all those years ago, when we were last in regular contact. Yes I had a crush on him back then. Did he have one on me - I don't know. Is this just that teenage infatuation carried over?
Initially (ie at the beginning) I think that is a possibility, but I find myself thinking that it's unlikely to have continued to be the case.

Something Else
Something else .... what kind of something else??? Someone of like mind in some ways, someone whom it would be good (for many different reasons) to have in my life for a long time to come? (He has said a few times that he is looking for a friend for the long haul, not just a day in the sun - which kinda rules out the lust thing I guess).

(Just hopped back up to the lust part and added the bit about being in lust with someones' mind/who they are - perhaps what the something else is).

There is a strong feeling that he will 'look after' me. Is this what is attracting me, and how is that defined (is it defined? is it anything at all?)

Is this that something that I create in people - the feeling that they want to look after me?

arrrghhh round and round .. but I don't think it's just lust, and I don't think it's just infatuation. It could be more dangerous because it isn't those things :(

Adendum to Prior Post and My Own Test

Addendum to Prior Post
Something else just occurred about his test.
He passed the test this time because of selflessness - he passed because he refused to put me in the situation of being 'the other woman' (if he had succumbed then this would have been irrefutably the position I would be in). ie he put concern for me above his own desires.

What importance lies in the reason for having passed the test? Is this why the test has to be continued ... because there are other ways of passing/failing the test? Is it important that he did not pass the test due to concern about his partner? (possibly there was concern about this, but the stated reason for not succumbing was concern for my wellbeing).

Of what importance that in the past it is me who has backed away/retreated from the test, but this time the test was in full swing and he passed?

My Own Test
In thinking about his test I have wondered whether I too am being tested.

I too have been fully tempted ... maybe this had to happen so that I was capable of being able to tempt him, I don't know. It isn't something that was consciously done.

But in the process I find myself in a position so untenable to me - to be that person that is between.

He has said this is not the case - that I am not 'the blonde' so many seek/find in mid life crisis - that he will not allow that to happen (because he knows of my past situation). (This comment brought the addendum above).

What is My Test About?
So what is it that I am being tested on - things that have come about simply as the result of being the tool in his test.

1. Feeling - my feelings and emotions have returned. Perhaps I am being tested on whether I will allow them to lead me, or will stay with the logical and rational. Or maybe the test is to help me try find the balancing point somewhere between the two opposites.

2. Selflessness - I am in the position (right now) of choosing between being selfless (and allowing myself to continue to act as a tool in his test) or being selfish.

I have been in the position before of having been selfless and allowing anothers' needs to subsume/override my own - and that didn't end well for me. Perhaps another part of the test is to offer an opportunity to try doing things differently this time; to be selfish instead of selfless. Or maybe, as with feelings, it is to try help me find the balancing point - without even knowing whether one exists.

There are several possibilities here (being selfish)
- full retreat and remove myself from the situation - ie selfishly protecting myself, selfishly not allowing myself to be used as a tool/not allowing his test to be complete. (Retreat of another kind, other than full, will not do - we have been there done that and found it not to either of our liking)
- remaining and allowing matters to continue as they have/however they will ... selfishly allowing myself to feel the feelings/the spark/the fire - because if feels so damn good.
- put myself directly in the line of fire - ie selfishly wanting to feel the fire and be consumed by it (similar to the above, but without self-control).

By being selfless though, perhaps I also am allowing myself to be selfish .... ie allowing myself to feel the feelings (because if I retreat I know they will shut down) .. (ie as above - remaining and allowing matters to continue).

In being that last kind of selfless though I see/am aware of a large possibility of ending up at the bottom of the pit once more. ie this is a risk. Perhaps this is another part of the test - to see if I will take a risk, am willing to take a risk. I have acknowledged before that I know risk taking is necessary for me to move forward from whence I have been (ie in shut down mode).

There is another type of selflessness too - to remove myself from his life so that he can make whatever decisions without having me around. He says I am not/have not directly influenced him. I have to believe what he tells me is true, that there are other factors that have brought this to a head. Why do I have to believe it? Because I have no facts to the contrary and also because there has been a lot of honesty in our communication.

3. Self Control - perhaps this is a test of my own self control. This would seem to relate back to what I've written about feelings.

Whilst thinking about the test, there is an overarching feeling that it sounds as though I believe 'someone' is putting us up to this .... but I don't believe in a god or deity of any kind. That must beg the question then as to why the test has come up. Are we putting ourselves through it (on purpose maybe), is it just something that naturally happens (lots of writing about mid life crisis would say yes to that). If it's something we are putting ourselves through does that mean we can simply choose to NOT put ourselves through it?

What is the purpose? Where will it take us? What will be the consequences? Am I heading for the pit again? If I ignore it this time (walk away) will I just end up here again at another time, with another person - perhaps a person who will not be as concerned about 'looking after' me as this one is?

So many questions; so few answers.

My gut feeling as to what had happened the prior weekend was correct :(

The cutting off of communication was not a test however. But there was a sharp turn in the road ... hmmm maybe not such a sharp turn in the road, but we both (separately - without the others' knowledge) moved down a path that had been there all along .. that we had both been aware was there, and had trodden on very lightly in the past, but from which we had then retreated.

Who Came into Whos Life?
I wonder now, with the knowledge I now have (communication having recommenced), whether it is me who has come into his life for a reason rather than the other way around. It was he who intiated contact, he who found me.


Whilst the cutting off of communication was not a test of, or in, itself, I am starting to think that perhaps this whole thing is/has been a test (interestingly, we have spoken about tests during our chats in the past).

A Mid Life Crisis Test?
Am I here simply to be the temptation that makes him test/consider/explore his own self control/desires/needs/wants at this time of his life? (It was he who used the word Temptress, many weeks ago) A reasonable enough test, a valuable test; a test that many go through.

But as the 'tool' of the test I feel very unsatisfied/unfulfilled. What of the feelings that have been created in me? Is there no consideration for that? What am I to do (with those) now? Am I simply to have been a tool that is tossed aside once my purpose has been served? (like the spoon that was used to stir the pot - once the pot is stirred there is no more use for the spoon). Or like an ingredient simply be consumed/vanish/no longer exist in it's own true form - like the eye of newt that goes into the mix, and then no longer exists as eye of newt/as itself - loses its' individuality and becomes simply part of the mix.

Is the Test Complete?
I don't know whether the test is complete. Yes he has been fully tempted (to use his own words), however is that as far as the test is supposed to go? Or is it meant to go further?

I keep offering to bow out, exit stage left, but he keeps saying that the feeling is that I am here for a reason, and his feeling is that I should stay.

Perhaps this is the pointer that the test is, as yet, incomplete.

What Else is to be Tested?
So what else is to be tested, what is the nature of the test that remains untaken? Is he to have the temptation continue to surround him so that he can test himself more fully/with more depth? ie rather than just be tempted once, stay in control and then the temptation is removed (meaning he no longer has to struggle with control) ... to have the temptation remain so that he has to keep on exerting self-control ... continue to show/explore/demonstrate his strength? To avoid temptation once is perhaps not sufficiently hard enough of a test.

I don't know if I can take that/endure that. I feel that I will fail (is it a test of myself too?), that the mixture will become too stiff and the spoon will break. I doubt my own strength.

Can I be that selfless, to allow myself to be used as a tool? Perhaps this is part of my own test too.

Pass/Fail
Will he pass or fail? I don't know, I don't know whether that even matters. Perhaps, as he says, it is the journey that is more important than the destination.

Half of me (maybe more than half) want him to fail, the other part wants him to pass.

Gut Feeling

I have a gut feeling about what is happening.

Is it a test? (Of whom?)
Is it the end? Or if not the end, a very sharp turn in the road.

Does the fact that I even have a gut feeling about this perhaps indicate that somewhere deep inside I feel I've done something wrong? I don't believe I have but I will have to consider this as perhaps a possibility.

And then of course it could be that my gut feeling is entirely off.

I hope so.

RIP

Dan

28/9/1956 - 14/8/2006

A Strange Day

What a strange day it has been for me.

Yes, I think it was my dad. Strange .. I had thought of him (for no apparent reason) just as I went to bed last night. Strange ... because I don't think of him often.

I think it was him because every time I thought of him this morning (in trying to unravel the dream) the lump was there, hard in my throat and tears sprang to my eyes. I spent some couch time just letting it happen (so pleased it is the weekend and I'm alone, or I might not have been able to do that) .... crying on and off.

I wondered whether this was just a delayed mourning for my dad - it's over 3 years since he died. At the time he died my partner had left me and I was in a very bad way ... this morning I wondered whether I'd been in such a bad way that I hadn't been able to grieve for the loss of my dad at the time, and now it was coming out. Maybe that's true - but no, I hadn't yet closed off my feelings at the time dad died ... evidenced by the fact that I was still writing poetry then (dads' death is mentioned, obliquely, in one of the poems).

I don't think that's all there was to it though.

I tried to think why it is that it's important for me to think of my dad right now - why has he been brought to my consciousness. So I thought some more about my dad; what things does my dad represent to me?

I realised I related my dad to fun and games (he always had a joke to tell you or a puzzle to show you) and adventure and excitement. There it is, that word right there had the lump back in my throat and tears spilling down my face .... FUN

Is this what you're here to tell me dad - that it's time for me to have some fun?

It seemed right, it seemed to fit. The lump in my throat seemed to confirm I had hit the nail on the head.

I had/have no idea what kind of fun it is I'm supposed to start having.



Thankyou dad.

Identity Revealed

It's my dad.

I miss my dad.

Who is it?

When I came to be properly awake this morning there was a large lump in my throat and tears fell from my eyes.

I had been dreaming - in that time between when you're asleep and not-quite-yet-awake/conscious. I can't recall a time when a dream has made me cry.

I was walking over a foot bridge, at an old school of mine, and underneath walked teachers with their students in line. I looked down and there was an old teacher of mine. (The image was of Joan Sydney - an Australian actress - as the matron in A Country Practice (generally a rather stern figure/character), which I very rarely watched).

I leaned over the railing, made eye contact with her and said to her "I miss you ..... a lot"

She began to answer, and in the wonderful non-reality of dreams she was then standing in front of me on the bridge and said ..

"I miss you too. On those Wednesday afternoons when I was alone/by myself, I ... (don't recall the rest, but am sure there was mention of cookies). I don't think she actually got to the part of saying why it was that she missed me.

Her words gave me the impression of solitude (a teacher in an empty classroom in an empty school), a small degree of loneliness, and a feeling as though on those Wednesday afternoon she was preparing to meeting someone.

As I remembered all this the lump in my throat got bigger and tears flowed out of my eyes and down my cheeks. No sobs, just tears.

I'm trying to work out who she represents. Who is it that I miss so much? Is it a female, is it someone who has taught me something, is it an authority figure, is it someone from when I was a school girl? The fact that the representation was a woman doesn't deter me from wondering whether it is a man.

I haven't worked it out yet.

On Being Happy

This question has arisen for me again, thankfully it hasn't brought the funk that it sometimes does.

Am I Happy?
The question as stated is so broad that I find it difficult to answer. Hmm maybe that's a clue ... I haven't thought that way about the question before.

I have said, at other times I've written about this, that whilst I wasn't necessarily 'happy' with my life that this did not indicate that I was 'unhappy' with my life. To me the lack of happiness doesn't necessarily mean that there has to be unhappiness in its place.

At present how do I feel about my life? I still feel that it is a rather small and quiet one, and that that, in itself, is not necessarily a bad thing. It's not that I feel I should be going out/going places/meeting people (perhaps that last one is being fulfilled sufficiently already), in fact I feel that would make my life busier than I want it to be.

I wonder though, do I feel that just because I've become such a social sloth (ie rarely go out)?

I still feel that the majority of my time is taken up with fulfilling responsibilities, and that after those are done that there isn't a lot left to do.

Interestingly, I have been considering changing jobs - to one with *less* responsibility. Does this mean I am ready to free myself up a bit .... to do what, I wonder?

This then gets tied up/intertwined with the thinking about how I become more solid in 'who I am' ... what do I like, what do I like to do....? And those things still remain a bit of a mystery to me. Part of me feels as though I might be ready to start trying to work out some of those things, another part can't be bothered/likes the quiet small life!

There is no conclusion at this point. Perhaps just the fact that part of me thinks this might be a good thing to do is sufficient progress for now. It seems like progress from where I have been before.


I do feel happier within myself though, and the cause for that (ie why I feel happier) give me some cause for concern. I feel happier because of another (calm down everybody, I'm not talking about a partner/potential partner).

To me this seems somewhat dangerous. To me it seems that it is me who should 'make me happy', not as a result of what someone else might say or do. To me this is a sign that perhaps I am not yet sufficiently happy within myself as yet ... and then this gets back/intertwined with the being solid issue.

arrgghh round and round and round we go .... so many pathways, which way to go? Which way leads onwards instead of round and round.

The quote "follow the white rabbit" comes to mind for unknown reasons.

Looks like another case of 'more grey matter required'. Oh well.

Don't mind me - I just want to track something, write it down where I'll find it again.

Woke in a sweat (3rd time in the last week) abt 2am

Feedback

I find this a bit of a tricky situation - giving feedback to a person regarding what and how they say things and their body language/things that seem inconsistent with the whole/out of place.

I believe this is something I've started to do due to past experience.

Generally the feedback is given by way of a question - I ask what was going on/whether something was going on with them that cause the out of place behaviou (I don't like to work with incorrect information, so I like to ask); I do it to check my perception - to find out/check whether I'm 'reading' a situation correctly/understand the factors influencing the contradictory/out of synch behaviour.

Is this weird? I don't know many people who do this. To me, it makes for better communciation.

The dilemna with this though is that once the person is made aware of their behaviour they then have the opportunity to change it. This isn't (necessarily) the purpose of bringing their behaviour to their attention. It makes me question whether the person is then (the next time we meet) behaving 'naturally' or whether they are then going to change their behaviour - perhaps my fear of that is that it could be done with the purpose of trying to deceive me.

I think I need to be judicious with this. Presently I don't think it's a problem/has caused a problem, but it may be different with other people.

Reminder to Self

I need to write about:

* on becoming more solid
* on the consequenses of providing feedback
* on physical needs
* about control in particular circumstances
* on being/becoming happy

Wood Lizards (Skinks), Kookaburras and a Birthday

Skink Out of Place & Out of Season
For the last6 weeks or so there has been a surprising resident in the ladies toilet at work - a Wood Lizard (skink). He was only small - body about 2 inches long, a baby I guessed.
I wondered at his presence - seemingly totally out of season. These are the lizards we usually see in summer, sunning themselves on a piece of wood or bricks somewhere. I like them.

I realised that, in winter, the toilets are the warmest place at work as the sun shines on the rear wall of the building. So perhaps that's why he made his home there.

He had trouble walking on the tiled floor, kind of slipping/sliding over them instead of being able to get a firm grip. He seemed rather lethargic - never darting away like we see them do in summer - probably because the temperature is low and he is a cold-blooded reptile.

Sometimes fluff from the floor would collect on his legs .. I'd pick him up and remove it.

Everytime I went to the loo I'd look for him; brought a little smile to my face (smiles have been rather lacking at work lately). I wondered what on earth he was finding to eat ... there aren't many bugs around in winter.

This week he was still there, but my concerns about diet, and the cold, were confirmed. He was laying half curled up dead on the floor. It made me feel sad. It made me feel bad - that perhaps I should have put him outside long ago :(

Kookaburras
Something else MN (Mother Nature) has surprised me with the last couple of weeks. Whilst I don't particularly like getting up when it's dark, I do like to see the sun rise .. and with it has come a most glorious sound - Kookaburras laughing. I don't get to hear them too often usually, but lately they have been part of every morning. Maybe it's a signal that I need to laugh a little more myself.

Garden
Being neglected due to the weather - here we are in August and finally we get to have some semblance of winter. But the plants are still confused - my nectarine tree is already in full bloom.

Birthday
My baby turned 17 yesterday. 17!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to stop referring to them as 'the kids' I guess. Family celebration Friday night went well (although I was not particularly in the mood thanks to work stresses).

Her dad wins at birthday presents. We'd seen, quite some months ago, a wonderful pirates hat at a costume hire shop; it wasn't for sale. We shopped all over the place looking for a similarly fabulous one unsucesfully and we had given up on the hunt. She hired the hat recently to wear to a school function. Somehow dad managed to get them to sell it to him. The smile and wonder on her face was just great.

Yesterday (the actual birthday) was quieter, but good. Drove her around all kinds of places so she could spend her birthday loot. She bought a fabulous pair of 'bovver boots' - seems she has inherited some of my wont to be at least slightly left of centre :)

She chronicalled (sp?) the entire day by noting down what she did when and taking photos along the way - starting off with her asleep in bed before I woke her. Will be interesting to see the photos when they are developed.

Evening spent watching DVDs of her choice (Aeon Flux and Brothers Grimm).

Strangely her asthma seems to be playing up, she hasn't suffered from it in a long time.

More to come ..
There are other things I need to write about. There will be more, later.

On The Fire....

Following the previous post I finally managed to work out what is needed - how I *want* it to be:

"I don't know that the fire will be replaced (I kind of recoiled when I read that word), but burn at an appropriate level at which no one gets burned, but all enjoy the warmth"


The question is ... how to get there. That's what we're trying to do.