Adendum to Prior Post and My Own Test

Addendum to Prior Post
Something else just occurred about his test.
He passed the test this time because of selflessness - he passed because he refused to put me in the situation of being 'the other woman' (if he had succumbed then this would have been irrefutably the position I would be in). ie he put concern for me above his own desires.

What importance lies in the reason for having passed the test? Is this why the test has to be continued ... because there are other ways of passing/failing the test? Is it important that he did not pass the test due to concern about his partner? (possibly there was concern about this, but the stated reason for not succumbing was concern for my wellbeing).

Of what importance that in the past it is me who has backed away/retreated from the test, but this time the test was in full swing and he passed?

My Own Test
In thinking about his test I have wondered whether I too am being tested.

I too have been fully tempted ... maybe this had to happen so that I was capable of being able to tempt him, I don't know. It isn't something that was consciously done.

But in the process I find myself in a position so untenable to me - to be that person that is between.

He has said this is not the case - that I am not 'the blonde' so many seek/find in mid life crisis - that he will not allow that to happen (because he knows of my past situation). (This comment brought the addendum above).

What is My Test About?
So what is it that I am being tested on - things that have come about simply as the result of being the tool in his test.

1. Feeling - my feelings and emotions have returned. Perhaps I am being tested on whether I will allow them to lead me, or will stay with the logical and rational. Or maybe the test is to help me try find the balancing point somewhere between the two opposites.

2. Selflessness - I am in the position (right now) of choosing between being selfless (and allowing myself to continue to act as a tool in his test) or being selfish.

I have been in the position before of having been selfless and allowing anothers' needs to subsume/override my own - and that didn't end well for me. Perhaps another part of the test is to offer an opportunity to try doing things differently this time; to be selfish instead of selfless. Or maybe, as with feelings, it is to try help me find the balancing point - without even knowing whether one exists.

There are several possibilities here (being selfish)
- full retreat and remove myself from the situation - ie selfishly protecting myself, selfishly not allowing myself to be used as a tool/not allowing his test to be complete. (Retreat of another kind, other than full, will not do - we have been there done that and found it not to either of our liking)
- remaining and allowing matters to continue as they have/however they will ... selfishly allowing myself to feel the feelings/the spark/the fire - because if feels so damn good.
- put myself directly in the line of fire - ie selfishly wanting to feel the fire and be consumed by it (similar to the above, but without self-control).

By being selfless though, perhaps I also am allowing myself to be selfish .... ie allowing myself to feel the feelings (because if I retreat I know they will shut down) .. (ie as above - remaining and allowing matters to continue).

In being that last kind of selfless though I see/am aware of a large possibility of ending up at the bottom of the pit once more. ie this is a risk. Perhaps this is another part of the test - to see if I will take a risk, am willing to take a risk. I have acknowledged before that I know risk taking is necessary for me to move forward from whence I have been (ie in shut down mode).

There is another type of selflessness too - to remove myself from his life so that he can make whatever decisions without having me around. He says I am not/have not directly influenced him. I have to believe what he tells me is true, that there are other factors that have brought this to a head. Why do I have to believe it? Because I have no facts to the contrary and also because there has been a lot of honesty in our communication.

3. Self Control - perhaps this is a test of my own self control. This would seem to relate back to what I've written about feelings.

Whilst thinking about the test, there is an overarching feeling that it sounds as though I believe 'someone' is putting us up to this .... but I don't believe in a god or deity of any kind. That must beg the question then as to why the test has come up. Are we putting ourselves through it (on purpose maybe), is it just something that naturally happens (lots of writing about mid life crisis would say yes to that). If it's something we are putting ourselves through does that mean we can simply choose to NOT put ourselves through it?

What is the purpose? Where will it take us? What will be the consequences? Am I heading for the pit again? If I ignore it this time (walk away) will I just end up here again at another time, with another person - perhaps a person who will not be as concerned about 'looking after' me as this one is?

So many questions; so few answers.