There have been two occasions (that I recall, perhaps there have been others, if so they are lost to my memory) on which my body has shaken vigourously for no apparent reason.
The most recent time was Sunday week (20th August). I'd been playing with the fire .. out for coffee then back to someone's home, and left. About 5 minutes after I got in the car to drive home my body started shaking. I was not drunk, I hadn't had more coffee than usual, I was not ill, there was nothing physically wrong with me.
On the other occasion that I recall this happening it was sitting at the table with my ex-partner back in October last year (here is the post about that meeting) .. I commented on it in that post pondering whether it was caused by frustration or maybe inner conflict.
I'm starting to think it's an indication of inner conflict.
Reason being that on that fateful Sunday night I had gotten up and driven away from a particular situation; I had done the 'right' thing - logically. But my sub had told me to allow myself fun, excitement and adventure (and I think perhaps joy and happiness) and here I was driving away from it. And my body was shaking so violently that I was worried to be driving ...
I pulled over, sent an SMS and drove on ... still shaking.
The reply came that I could come back. My logical brain was still in control and I advised that was not a good idea as I would likely lose control/have no control. You can come back, he said, the door is open and the light is on.
I was at a round-a-bout at this point; a very physical representation of where I was emotionally and logically ... round and round and round I went (literally, round and round the round-a-bout) .... and headed back the way I had come.
When I got there I was not shaking so violently, but was still trembling.
And neither of us had any control; there was no thinking, just feeling.
The fire roared out of control and everyone got burned :(, as we both knew would happen if control were to be lost.
Conclusion
Did I do the right thing by myself? I don't know ... yet, maybe time will tell me the answer.
Should I have listened so well to my self .. shaking me, telling me I was in conflict? Or was it telling me that this is what it's like when you are so strong and do what you know is right even though it is not what you want to do.
I don't know :(
So what am I to do the next time I find myself shaking all over?
I guess what I think I should do is count to 10, take deep breaths and stand still for a bit. But then what .... how do I decide which way to go, which way to exit the round-a-bout .... which is the right way?
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)


No comments:
Post a Comment