It's hard.

My body constantly reminds me that it has been awakened :(

Many a sad moment overtakes me and I find myself with tears in my eyes, a dull ache in my heart, my stomache churning and light headed.

I'm not sleeping well (not surprised), keep waking every hour or so.

I continue to check for e-mails, though I know there will be none.

At the same time my stomache churns - whether it's internal angst at myself because I've done wrong, or internal rebellion that this is wrong I don't know. I would think it's more likely the first, but it could also be the second.

A clean quicker cut this time. I tell myself that this will make it easier, for both of us.

I have told him never to contact me again, not even in the few weeks or months that he mentioned - so as to never create in her that doubt that maybe he will be tempted by me again.

The rules I have set are made to ensure success in his endeavour to rebuild his partners' trust and the continuation, and improvement, of his relationship. They will be hard for me to follow, but I know I must, so that he and she can be at peace with each other.

He doesn't know where I live, even had my CDs returned to a friends address rather than mine, so that his partner can know that at times when they are not together she need not be worried that he might come see me. I made him return them so there is no physical reminder of me for him - to make it easier for him to forget me.

I know he can do this. He is a good man (despite what happened), a strong man, a man of his convictions. He is committed to her as my partner was not committed to me.

I wish them a long and happy life together. I hope their relationship becomes better and stronger as a result of what has happened. It will not fail due to him, I know he will give his utmost to this; I don't know her, I hope she is as committed as he.

I truly wish this for him (a long and happy life together), even though it causes me great pain to say it as success means I will never see him again.