My gut feeling as to what had happened the prior weekend was correct :(

The cutting off of communication was not a test however. But there was a sharp turn in the road ... hmmm maybe not such a sharp turn in the road, but we both (separately - without the others' knowledge) moved down a path that had been there all along .. that we had both been aware was there, and had trodden on very lightly in the past, but from which we had then retreated.

Who Came into Whos Life?
I wonder now, with the knowledge I now have (communication having recommenced), whether it is me who has come into his life for a reason rather than the other way around. It was he who intiated contact, he who found me.


Whilst the cutting off of communication was not a test of, or in, itself, I am starting to think that perhaps this whole thing is/has been a test (interestingly, we have spoken about tests during our chats in the past).

A Mid Life Crisis Test?
Am I here simply to be the temptation that makes him test/consider/explore his own self control/desires/needs/wants at this time of his life? (It was he who used the word Temptress, many weeks ago) A reasonable enough test, a valuable test; a test that many go through.

But as the 'tool' of the test I feel very unsatisfied/unfulfilled. What of the feelings that have been created in me? Is there no consideration for that? What am I to do (with those) now? Am I simply to have been a tool that is tossed aside once my purpose has been served? (like the spoon that was used to stir the pot - once the pot is stirred there is no more use for the spoon). Or like an ingredient simply be consumed/vanish/no longer exist in it's own true form - like the eye of newt that goes into the mix, and then no longer exists as eye of newt/as itself - loses its' individuality and becomes simply part of the mix.

Is the Test Complete?
I don't know whether the test is complete. Yes he has been fully tempted (to use his own words), however is that as far as the test is supposed to go? Or is it meant to go further?

I keep offering to bow out, exit stage left, but he keeps saying that the feeling is that I am here for a reason, and his feeling is that I should stay.

Perhaps this is the pointer that the test is, as yet, incomplete.

What Else is to be Tested?
So what else is to be tested, what is the nature of the test that remains untaken? Is he to have the temptation continue to surround him so that he can test himself more fully/with more depth? ie rather than just be tempted once, stay in control and then the temptation is removed (meaning he no longer has to struggle with control) ... to have the temptation remain so that he has to keep on exerting self-control ... continue to show/explore/demonstrate his strength? To avoid temptation once is perhaps not sufficiently hard enough of a test.

I don't know if I can take that/endure that. I feel that I will fail (is it a test of myself too?), that the mixture will become too stiff and the spoon will break. I doubt my own strength.

Can I be that selfless, to allow myself to be used as a tool? Perhaps this is part of my own test too.

Pass/Fail
Will he pass or fail? I don't know, I don't know whether that even matters. Perhaps, as he says, it is the journey that is more important than the destination.

Half of me (maybe more than half) want him to fail, the other part wants him to pass.