The Path with a Dead End

I smell like sex on a stick :( My body just wont let up. My attempts to sate the fire by myself have been unsuccessful :( How long is this going to go on :(




To delve into this mornings thoughts a little more ..

Where did I/we go wrong? Did we not see what was going to happen, did we avoid discussing the things we should have stopped to think about (that maybe would have stopped us from taking that turn that lead to a dead end).

No, we did not ignore/avoid discussing it:

In e-mail I sent on the Friday night I stated explicitly that it was not a good idea that we give in to our desires/needs/wants/feelings. I queried whether we would be able to exert sufficient control over ourselves. If the answer was that we didn't know/knew that we couldn't exert sufficient control, then I asked him to look very objectively at whether it was time for me to bow out of the situation so that he could concentrate on his relationship.

In regards to control he said he was happy to have the fantasy whilst still having reservations about pursuing it - that this was keeping him in check. Also that the feeling was I should stay, that he felt running away was not the answer.

On the Sunday night we started in IM, he quickly got to the point of wanting to discuss matters face to face. I replied that I didn't trust myself to be within arms reach ... he replied he also didn't trust himself to be near me. So we continued in IM.

I asked him what had happened in regards to his relationship over the weekend. This is the first thing I needed to know. He had not had a chance to resolve anything as his partner had been ill and the time was simply not right to raise those kinds of matters with her (the weekend prior she had queried whether he wanted a 'break' when he raised the issue of them needing to spend time on each other rather than running around doing things for everyone else every weekend - the comment had taken him hugely by surprise and shock).

He continued on to talk about the fact that if the fantasy was pursued that he saw only pain for someone (her, him and/or me), and that he would end up in an untenable (my word, not his) position.

At that point I said that this left me no option (ie no option other than to depart the scene).

But no, he wanted to understand what was going on, be mature and talk rather than run and hide ... hoping that with that understanding we could 'leash' this thing before it consumed us. Then, that he really preferred to discuss it face to face (text not being as natural a form of communication for him as it is for me).

And so we met for coffee at a cafe, in public, somewhere neutral and safe, to try garner some understanding, hoping that it would help with our control. Amidst stupid silly grins and spontaneous episodes of smiling we talked. About his relationship, about his mid-life crisis, about what I'd written about the 'test' It was Sunday, the cafe closed at 10, we were nowhere done talking.

We went back to his place - it being close to the cafe. We sat on separate couches and talked, at various points me asking whether the discussion and attempting to understand was helping quench/dousing the fire - the answer was no .... I left at about 2am.

And that was when the shaking began, and that was when I hit the round-a-bout.

I had thought I was returning just for more coffee and talk, but when I walked past him to sit on the lounge he said "come here" and took me in his arms and held me, and we were both lost, there was no more thinking, just feeling.


So did we ignore things we shouldn't have ... no, we did not ignore them. We discussed those things that should be at the top of the list in these situations. We thought that in discussing them we would help increase our levels of control, but that did not occur.

Perhaps some will think this makes what we did even worse than if we had just been totally blind to the consequences. But once he took me in his arms that was it, there simply was no more thought, I was totally incapable of thought. Perhaps the same was true for him (one of the many many unanswered questions within me)

We tried to do what seemed to be right, and ended up on that dead-end road anyway.


And all within me wonders what else could we have done to avoid this?

I kept asking if I should bow out ... maybe I should have despite his replies that I should stay. Obviously I should not have gone back the way I'd come to the round-a-bout ... but my body was reacting so violently - I didn't, and still don't understand it.

I'm not finding this helpful.