A Strange Day

What a strange day it has been for me.

Yes, I think it was my dad. Strange .. I had thought of him (for no apparent reason) just as I went to bed last night. Strange ... because I don't think of him often.

I think it was him because every time I thought of him this morning (in trying to unravel the dream) the lump was there, hard in my throat and tears sprang to my eyes. I spent some couch time just letting it happen (so pleased it is the weekend and I'm alone, or I might not have been able to do that) .... crying on and off.

I wondered whether this was just a delayed mourning for my dad - it's over 3 years since he died. At the time he died my partner had left me and I was in a very bad way ... this morning I wondered whether I'd been in such a bad way that I hadn't been able to grieve for the loss of my dad at the time, and now it was coming out. Maybe that's true - but no, I hadn't yet closed off my feelings at the time dad died ... evidenced by the fact that I was still writing poetry then (dads' death is mentioned, obliquely, in one of the poems).

I don't think that's all there was to it though.

I tried to think why it is that it's important for me to think of my dad right now - why has he been brought to my consciousness. So I thought some more about my dad; what things does my dad represent to me?

I realised I related my dad to fun and games (he always had a joke to tell you or a puzzle to show you) and adventure and excitement. There it is, that word right there had the lump back in my throat and tears spilling down my face .... FUN

Is this what you're here to tell me dad - that it's time for me to have some fun?

It seemed right, it seemed to fit. The lump in my throat seemed to confirm I had hit the nail on the head.

I had/have no idea what kind of fun it is I'm supposed to start having.



Thankyou dad.