I was a *very* Good Girl (TM and all that) today ...... was sorely tempted to send an email to someone - but didn't, and for all the right reasons.
And tonight, for no good reason I am feeling particulary GREAT! Is it cos the shade sail is going to ahead? Don't think so .. I have reason to NOT feel particularly great, as I have to buy a new washing machine tomorrow night - mine having carked it two nights ago.
I don't know why I feel good and I don't really care, I'm just going to enjoy it!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
What Colour Purple?
| You Are Grape |
 |
Finding Me/On Being Me
I've been thinking about this 'discovering my true self' business ... somehow it sounds kinda weird - it infers that I don't know who I am, and I don't believe that to be the case.
I think it's more a case of remembering who I am, rather than discovering who I am; discovery has that inference of finding something for the first time.
I do know who I am, I've known it all these years I've been in isolation/seclusion - I've just been hiding from it because I felt that it was being me that took me/resulted in me being in that dark place.
Some might say that means I just need to 'toughen up' a bit. But that would not be being me.
I have told myself in the past (in the blog) that I need to be more balanced (eg less giving of myself) - but that would not be being me either.
Hmmmm I think that it's not discovering me/finding me that I need to do - I think maybe it's more accepting who I am, and becoming more comfortable with that that I need to do.
I need to be more at peace with who I am - and the consequences that can bring.
That last sentence reads very strangely to me when I read it back .... because I don't really feel uncomfortable with who I am, and I know that comes across to other people (cos they tell me).
So what is it I am looking for?
I think it's more a case of remembering who I am, rather than discovering who I am; discovery has that inference of finding something for the first time.
I do know who I am, I've known it all these years I've been in isolation/seclusion - I've just been hiding from it because I felt that it was being me that took me/resulted in me being in that dark place.
Some might say that means I just need to 'toughen up' a bit. But that would not be being me.
I have told myself in the past (in the blog) that I need to be more balanced (eg less giving of myself) - but that would not be being me either.
Hmmmm I think that it's not discovering me/finding me that I need to do - I think maybe it's more accepting who I am, and becoming more comfortable with that that I need to do.
I need to be more at peace with who I am - and the consequences that can bring.
That last sentence reads very strangely to me when I read it back .... because I don't really feel uncomfortable with who I am, and I know that comes across to other people (cos they tell me).
So what is it I am looking for?
On Meeting People
I think/am concerned that I might be allowing myself to get carried away a bit - with this meeting people thing and it concerns me as to what this might be creating in the other persons thoughts and feelings. So I need to stop and have a think about what I'm doing, what's going on.
I'm continuing to chat with two of the 4 that I mentioned previously. I think one of them has gotten a little 'excited' - he says it is the best start he has ever had in 'meeting' someone from the meeting site. I have to admit to myself that on Sunday when we first communicated - messaged throughout the day and then chatted in IM in the evening for a long time) - that I started to get a bit excited too; I thought it might be good to meet this person.
But I have to stop and think why it was/what it was that got me feeling excited. I don't want to create false hope in the other person.
The excitement could be because:
1. This is new (meeting people) - kid in a candy shop kind of thing. I'd have to say this is a definate possibility.
2. I get on well with this person.
We chat fine. The conversation flows reasonably well and isn't forced. He's not quite as articulate as I'd like but at least he tries and is doing an ok job of it.
I wonder whether some of it is just that we were both available during the whole day to talk.
What is it I am looking for - what is my motivation?
A. Fill a hole? (ie rebound/replacement)
I don't *think* so. I don't feel as though there is a hole in my heart. But what happened just recently is still fairly close, not far enough in the past to dismiss this as a possibilty. See Selfishness below ...
B. Widen my social life
Yes definately ... people to chat to. But with what purpose I ask myself? Not sure. Maybe just because I've put my head up, am widening my horizons .... keeps bringing me back to why though ...
I don't feel lonely ... so it's not that.
Thy why isn't so important to ME, but I think I need to know what it is so that I don't give a false impression to others, so I don't raise anyones' hopes unnecessarily (not so much that *I* raise their hopes, just that their hopes don't get raised). I don't know how much notice is taken of the fact that on the meeting ppl sites that I have indicated I am looking for friendship only. See C. A Partner below
C. A partner
Am I looking for a partner?? It doesn't feel as though I am. I don't have a burning desire/need to find someone to share my life with. I'm not feeling alone/lonely, I'm not feeling that I am missing something.
I do know though that we can be looking for something without even realising it.
D. Selfishness
I am a bit concerned that I want to be/am looking for something very selfish .... that it would be 'quite nice' to have a person in my life who makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel good/special, who will be gentle and kind, caring,respectiful and considerate of me, take my hand oh so gently, caress me ....
Gah :( having written that down and become lost in though I realise those are all the things he was. Am I just missing him? It doesn't feel like I'm missing him, but I have to admit that it reads like it.
The reason I use the term 'selfish' here is because I don't know that I'm ready to be/do those things with someone else. But I guess that's what 'the right' person is all about - if it's the right person then you want to do/be those things with/for them.
arrrghhh so does that mean I'm looking for the 'right' person?
I have no idea
On Another Note
I allowed the flames to consume me for a while this afternoon. Just gentle licks of warmth flowing over me - not raging scarey tongues of fire. It was very soothing, though emotional.
I'm continuing to chat with two of the 4 that I mentioned previously. I think one of them has gotten a little 'excited' - he says it is the best start he has ever had in 'meeting' someone from the meeting site. I have to admit to myself that on Sunday when we first communicated - messaged throughout the day and then chatted in IM in the evening for a long time) - that I started to get a bit excited too; I thought it might be good to meet this person.
But I have to stop and think why it was/what it was that got me feeling excited. I don't want to create false hope in the other person.
The excitement could be because:
1. This is new (meeting people) - kid in a candy shop kind of thing. I'd have to say this is a definate possibility.
2. I get on well with this person.
We chat fine. The conversation flows reasonably well and isn't forced. He's not quite as articulate as I'd like but at least he tries and is doing an ok job of it.
I wonder whether some of it is just that we were both available during the whole day to talk.
What is it I am looking for - what is my motivation?
A. Fill a hole? (ie rebound/replacement)
I don't *think* so. I don't feel as though there is a hole in my heart. But what happened just recently is still fairly close, not far enough in the past to dismiss this as a possibilty. See Selfishness below ...
B. Widen my social life
Yes definately ... people to chat to. But with what purpose I ask myself? Not sure. Maybe just because I've put my head up, am widening my horizons .... keeps bringing me back to why though ...
I don't feel lonely ... so it's not that.
Thy why isn't so important to ME, but I think I need to know what it is so that I don't give a false impression to others, so I don't raise anyones' hopes unnecessarily (not so much that *I* raise their hopes, just that their hopes don't get raised). I don't know how much notice is taken of the fact that on the meeting ppl sites that I have indicated I am looking for friendship only. See C. A Partner below
C. A partner
Am I looking for a partner?? It doesn't feel as though I am. I don't have a burning desire/need to find someone to share my life with. I'm not feeling alone/lonely, I'm not feeling that I am missing something.
I do know though that we can be looking for something without even realising it.
D. Selfishness
I am a bit concerned that I want to be/am looking for something very selfish .... that it would be 'quite nice' to have a person in my life who makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel good/special, who will be gentle and kind, caring,respectiful and considerate of me, take my hand oh so gently, caress me ....
Gah :( having written that down and become lost in though I realise those are all the things he was. Am I just missing him? It doesn't feel like I'm missing him, but I have to admit that it reads like it.
The reason I use the term 'selfish' here is because I don't know that I'm ready to be/do those things with someone else. But I guess that's what 'the right' person is all about - if it's the right person then you want to do/be those things with/for them.
arrrghhh so does that mean I'm looking for the 'right' person?
I have no idea
On Another Note
I allowed the flames to consume me for a while this afternoon. Just gentle licks of warmth flowing over me - not raging scarey tongues of fire. It was very soothing, though emotional.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Unusual Observation
Strange/unusual observation tonight .. my perfume smells differently on me the last two days than it usually does.
The only thing that came to mind as to why this might be is because the last few days have been red letter days .... could have created a change in my physiology.
Haven't noticed that on other red letter days though, so I'm not convinced that is it.
Interesting.
The only thing that came to mind as to why this might be is because the last few days have been red letter days .... could have created a change in my physiology.
Haven't noticed that on other red letter days though, so I'm not convinced that is it.
Interesting.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Sweaty & Dating Sites Update & What If
Sweaty
Didn't sleep at all last night and was hot and sweaty all night (even though I was wearing a summer nightie as my usual PJs were still in the dryer) - it wasn't a warm night either. The cause - an email. I'm not complaining though.
Seems I am perhaps still 'infected' - I thought there was a possibility it had passed, maybe it never will, maybe there just hasn't been enough time yet.
Dating Sites Update
I am/have chatted to 4 men online as a result of being on the meeting people sites.
One not so good, one ok, another ok and interesting, another ... hmm well seems to be going quite well so far.
This after only a week - I'm surprised that it seems to be going so well.
What If Dilemna
The email of last night brought me to a dilemna point though - a 'what if' point. I am not waiting for him (proof is the dating site thing), I know that is the wrong thing to do - for me and for him (we both need to consider each other unavailable - not waiting in the wings for the other) BUT my emotional reaction to receiving the (very brief) email last night, and the subsequent non-sleeping night tells me that if he were to be available I would want to try. With him I know the spark and fire exists/has existed - I thought the fire had died down to just warm embers in the main, but last nights' experience tells me they could easily be fanned into flames again.
So what if I got together with someone from the dating site ... and there was no instant/quickly developed chemisty/spark but with whom I was willing to continue on with for a while to see if anything develops, and he were to appear on the scene, available.
I guess the answer is that I can't live my life based on a 'what if' - I understand the folly of that; it might never happen. If I find someone else with whom something might develop I will travel down that path.
If the 'what if' scenario comes into being I will think about what to do at that time.
Didn't sleep at all last night and was hot and sweaty all night (even though I was wearing a summer nightie as my usual PJs were still in the dryer) - it wasn't a warm night either. The cause - an email. I'm not complaining though.
Seems I am perhaps still 'infected' - I thought there was a possibility it had passed, maybe it never will, maybe there just hasn't been enough time yet.
Dating Sites Update
I am/have chatted to 4 men online as a result of being on the meeting people sites.
One not so good, one ok, another ok and interesting, another ... hmm well seems to be going quite well so far.
This after only a week - I'm surprised that it seems to be going so well.
What If Dilemna
The email of last night brought me to a dilemna point though - a 'what if' point. I am not waiting for him (proof is the dating site thing), I know that is the wrong thing to do - for me and for him (we both need to consider each other unavailable - not waiting in the wings for the other) BUT my emotional reaction to receiving the (very brief) email last night, and the subsequent non-sleeping night tells me that if he were to be available I would want to try. With him I know the spark and fire exists/has existed - I thought the fire had died down to just warm embers in the main, but last nights' experience tells me they could easily be fanned into flames again.
So what if I got together with someone from the dating site ... and there was no instant/quickly developed chemisty/spark but with whom I was willing to continue on with for a while to see if anything develops, and he were to appear on the scene, available.
I guess the answer is that I can't live my life based on a 'what if' - I understand the folly of that; it might never happen. If I find someone else with whom something might develop I will travel down that path.
If the 'what if' scenario comes into being I will think about what to do at that time.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Imagination and Lifting My Head
Imagination/Wishful Thinking ...What is it?
I don't know whether I just have an over-active imagination, or whether this is a strange kind of non-dreaming, maybe it's just very wishful thinking, or maybe it's some kind of psychic phenomenon or maybe I just spend tooooo much time at the computer (doubtful cos I spend less time at the computer now than I have at other times of my life) ... but it happened again last night and this time I remember it.
Over the last month or so when I've been in bed, not quite asleep, I 'get' both instant messges and emails. They are there before my eyes just like on the screen. And yea, they're from that most recent him.
This hasn't only just been happening since the communication between us ceased, I'm sure of that - that's the rather odd part (I'd understand it more if it had only been happening since that time).
I don't remember all of the messages I've 'received' this way, but last nights' were both about getting back in contact in some time in the future.
Lifting My Head
As a result of the experience I've been through I've kinda lifted my head up a little ... made my profile on some dating/meeting people sites. Only listing myself as looking for friends. I've started e-mailing with two people ... no agenda, not looking for that 'someone', just putting my toes in the water and widening my view. Can't hurt.
Lesson
One thing he has taught me is to stand my ground and face a situation, and to try work through it rather than run away and hide back in my castle. Whilst we didn't end up where we wanted to (long-term friends - though that is an aim that may still be possible at some other time) I think this was a good lesson for me to learn.
I think that he feels it was a bad thing for him to keep telling me to stay - cos he sees it as having lead us to where we ended up, but truly I think I needed to do that ... to stay and not run away. Running away is too easy, and it's true that it's only the things we achieve through hardship and struggle are the things we treasure the most.
The Temptress
The temptress (as he called her) has receeded to ... somewhere. Much more thinking than feeling going on at present. I don't believe she has run away back into the castle though, maybe just taking a break. Or maybe it's just because there's no role for her at the moment. Maybe that's why I've done the meeting people site thing .... to see if she comes back to the surface.
I don't know whether I just have an over-active imagination, or whether this is a strange kind of non-dreaming, maybe it's just very wishful thinking, or maybe it's some kind of psychic phenomenon or maybe I just spend tooooo much time at the computer (doubtful cos I spend less time at the computer now than I have at other times of my life) ... but it happened again last night and this time I remember it.
Over the last month or so when I've been in bed, not quite asleep, I 'get' both instant messges and emails. They are there before my eyes just like on the screen. And yea, they're from that most recent him.
This hasn't only just been happening since the communication between us ceased, I'm sure of that - that's the rather odd part (I'd understand it more if it had only been happening since that time).
I don't remember all of the messages I've 'received' this way, but last nights' were both about getting back in contact in some time in the future.
Lifting My Head
As a result of the experience I've been through I've kinda lifted my head up a little ... made my profile on some dating/meeting people sites. Only listing myself as looking for friends. I've started e-mailing with two people ... no agenda, not looking for that 'someone', just putting my toes in the water and widening my view. Can't hurt.
Lesson
One thing he has taught me is to stand my ground and face a situation, and to try work through it rather than run away and hide back in my castle. Whilst we didn't end up where we wanted to (long-term friends - though that is an aim that may still be possible at some other time) I think this was a good lesson for me to learn.
I think that he feels it was a bad thing for him to keep telling me to stay - cos he sees it as having lead us to where we ended up, but truly I think I needed to do that ... to stay and not run away. Running away is too easy, and it's true that it's only the things we achieve through hardship and struggle are the things we treasure the most.
The Temptress
The temptress (as he called her) has receeded to ... somewhere. Much more thinking than feeling going on at present. I don't believe she has run away back into the castle though, maybe just taking a break. Or maybe it's just because there's no role for her at the moment. Maybe that's why I've done the meeting people site thing .... to see if she comes back to the surface.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Being 'Ready'
If we always wait until we are 'ready' for something/to try something, then it may be too late, or that time may never come - and we will have missed out on so much.
Don't wait until you're ready - if the opportunity arises then go for it, ready or not!
Don't wait until you're ready - if the opportunity arises then go for it, ready or not!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
On Being/Discovering My True Self
Discovering My True Self
Yes, I know, it is some peoples' life work to discover their true selves.
I do not expect this to be a short journey.
But I think perhaps there have been some clues along the part of the journey that I have already travelled.
There are those times that we feel very uncomfortable ... maybe this is an indication of a time when we are acting contrary to our true selves.
When have I felt uncomfortable ... well the body shaking episodes come immediately to mind. When I have written about them before I've wondered whether they indicate inner conflict. Again, maybe I have had more wisdom than that of which I was aware.
(As an aside I like that the deeper/more I look at these things the more I am, already, finding out about myself)
Let me look at those times I remember that happening (gentle congratulations of oneself for remembering to write about it in the blog!)
Maybe These Indicators of True Self Conflict?
Sitting With the Ex-partner
I think I was consciously stopping myself from being my normally compassionate (to him) self. I did this to avoid allowing myself to continue/return to being dragged onto the rollercoaster once again. It was in contradiction to my true self though.
Wish I'd written more about it at the time so as to recall more precisely what was going on when the shaking occured. I think the above is right but am not absolutely certain.
More Recently
I had removed myself from a situation that I strongly wanted to experience - and which I think I needed to experience to enable me to progress further along my journey to being a whole/real/normal person. As it turned out I don't think I would be in the space I am today if I had simply continued on and gone home and not had that experience. What was the experience? Opening myself totally to another.
And this brings me to wonder whether it is ever right to act in discordance with ones' true self. In the first instance above I was protecting myself from further hurt/turmoil. But isn't it through these things that one grows? Is it ever right to not be compassionate?
In the second instance I was again running away (as I had said to him I felt like doing on a number of earlier occassions, but he kept telling me to stay) ... it was (for me, in the end) better to stand my ground and have the experience, else I would not be where I am today (which is, it feels, a much better place than I have been in the past)
As an adjunct, I don't know if I'm on the right track with any of the above, but it kinda feels right. I also get the feeling this is pretty much how this journey will go - that I wont really know, until I really know.
Anyone Got A Map?
I have thought about the journey on which I am about to embark and whether it might be useful to seek some assistance. I know I am not the first person to make this journey (well duhhh!) and perhaps it will smooth over some bumps if I have a map to follow (hmm something else he taught me - that maps can be useful in these matters).
Having looked at a variety of web sites etc about discovering our true selves I see there are many different ways/paths by which one can travel, Buddhism seeming to be one of the major ones (please excuse my ignorance if that is not the case/not what Buddhism is about, this is only after a fairly cursory look). How to choose one out of the many?
I will start by not choosing any one way or path.
Many seem to have in common the practice of meditation.
Even within this one practice there seem to be many different methods. I will start with the most basic/simplest.
So this is how I will start. 5 minutes meditation each morning when I wake. (I wonder whether this is, at least in part, what I did last night/when I have candle time)
Interesting side note: the physical sensations have eased off substantially today. Whether it has anything to do with todays thoughts I have no idea.
Part of me also finds this is all very much in the thinking realm, and I find myself worrying whether my emotional self is being closed off/shut out ... I hope not, but yet to be known.
Yes, I know, it is some peoples' life work to discover their true selves.
I do not expect this to be a short journey.
But I think perhaps there have been some clues along the part of the journey that I have already travelled.
There are those times that we feel very uncomfortable ... maybe this is an indication of a time when we are acting contrary to our true selves.
When have I felt uncomfortable ... well the body shaking episodes come immediately to mind. When I have written about them before I've wondered whether they indicate inner conflict. Again, maybe I have had more wisdom than that of which I was aware.
(As an aside I like that the deeper/more I look at these things the more I am, already, finding out about myself)
Let me look at those times I remember that happening (gentle congratulations of oneself for remembering to write about it in the blog!)
Maybe These Indicators of True Self Conflict?
Sitting With the Ex-partner
I think I was consciously stopping myself from being my normally compassionate (to him) self. I did this to avoid allowing myself to continue/return to being dragged onto the rollercoaster once again. It was in contradiction to my true self though.
Wish I'd written more about it at the time so as to recall more precisely what was going on when the shaking occured. I think the above is right but am not absolutely certain.
More Recently
I had removed myself from a situation that I strongly wanted to experience - and which I think I needed to experience to enable me to progress further along my journey to being a whole/real/normal person. As it turned out I don't think I would be in the space I am today if I had simply continued on and gone home and not had that experience. What was the experience? Opening myself totally to another.
And this brings me to wonder whether it is ever right to act in discordance with ones' true self. In the first instance above I was protecting myself from further hurt/turmoil. But isn't it through these things that one grows? Is it ever right to not be compassionate?
In the second instance I was again running away (as I had said to him I felt like doing on a number of earlier occassions, but he kept telling me to stay) ... it was (for me, in the end) better to stand my ground and have the experience, else I would not be where I am today (which is, it feels, a much better place than I have been in the past)
As an adjunct, I don't know if I'm on the right track with any of the above, but it kinda feels right. I also get the feeling this is pretty much how this journey will go - that I wont really know, until I really know.
Anyone Got A Map?
I have thought about the journey on which I am about to embark and whether it might be useful to seek some assistance. I know I am not the first person to make this journey (well duhhh!) and perhaps it will smooth over some bumps if I have a map to follow (hmm something else he taught me - that maps can be useful in these matters).
Having looked at a variety of web sites etc about discovering our true selves I see there are many different ways/paths by which one can travel, Buddhism seeming to be one of the major ones (please excuse my ignorance if that is not the case/not what Buddhism is about, this is only after a fairly cursory look). How to choose one out of the many?
I will start by not choosing any one way or path.
Many seem to have in common the practice of meditation.
Even within this one practice there seem to be many different methods. I will start with the most basic/simplest.
So this is how I will start. 5 minutes meditation each morning when I wake. (I wonder whether this is, at least in part, what I did last night/when I have candle time)
Interesting side note: the physical sensations have eased off substantially today. Whether it has anything to do with todays thoughts I have no idea.
Part of me also finds this is all very much in the thinking realm, and I find myself worrying whether my emotional self is being closed off/shut out ... I hope not, but yet to be known.
Thankful
I was the thinker, he was the feeler.
We both learnt so much from each other.
We made each other complete.
I am so thankful.
We both learnt so much from each other.
We made each other complete.
I am so thankful.
Reflections Part II
The Biggest Question of Them All
And so it is that the ponderings in my last entry brought me back again to that place I've been before ... to be happy.
And I start to think 'what would make me happy'?
No sooner has the thought passed across my mind that I realise the question in totally wrong, the totally wrong question to be asking.
I have realised this in the past .. when I commented here that it wasn't right that I be happy because of someone else, that instead I am the one who should make me happy.
And I realise now how true that is. The question of 'what would make me happy' indicates looking to external things or people to create the happiness.
This kind of happiness is bound to be short lived. Things deteriorate/are taken away, people change and move on from our lives and die. It's not right that our happiness be bound to these things. If we depend on external factors to make us happy then we are bound to become unhappy when those things are no longer present in our lives.
We have to make ourselves happy. I have to make me happy.
No, even that is not right - I have to be happy.
And so the right question comes to me - how do I make me happy, how do I be happy?
And the answer comes - by being true to myself, by being happy with me.
WOW - and now I have a whole new bunch of stuff on which to ponder, because to be true to myself I must know who I am. This, I think, is the hardest question of them all.
Maybe it wasn't possible for me to get to this point before due to part of me not being 'present'. Now that I am re-united and whole I may be able to make some headway. I can only hope!
Postscript
It seems I've taken a rather circuitious route to get to this point, and it feels/sounds rather like Buddism in some ways - having done some reading about karma etc due to the prior post and other comments. I shy away from delving into that however - these are things that others cannot teach you - that one has to come to realise for oneself.
Funny, I've never thought of myself as a spiritual person, but this seems to have all the hallmarks of it.
And so it is that the ponderings in my last entry brought me back again to that place I've been before ... to be happy.
And I start to think 'what would make me happy'?
No sooner has the thought passed across my mind that I realise the question in totally wrong, the totally wrong question to be asking.
I have realised this in the past .. when I commented here that it wasn't right that I be happy because of someone else, that instead I am the one who should make me happy.
And I realise now how true that is. The question of 'what would make me happy' indicates looking to external things or people to create the happiness.
This kind of happiness is bound to be short lived. Things deteriorate/are taken away, people change and move on from our lives and die. It's not right that our happiness be bound to these things. If we depend on external factors to make us happy then we are bound to become unhappy when those things are no longer present in our lives.
We have to make ourselves happy. I have to make me happy.
No, even that is not right - I have to be happy.
And so the right question comes to me - how do I make me happy, how do I be happy?
And the answer comes - by being true to myself, by being happy with me.
WOW - and now I have a whole new bunch of stuff on which to ponder, because to be true to myself I must know who I am. This, I think, is the hardest question of them all.
Maybe it wasn't possible for me to get to this point before due to part of me not being 'present'. Now that I am re-united and whole I may be able to make some headway. I can only hope!
Postscript
It seems I've taken a rather circuitious route to get to this point, and it feels/sounds rather like Buddism in some ways - having done some reading about karma etc due to the prior post and other comments. I shy away from delving into that however - these are things that others cannot teach you - that one has to come to realise for oneself.
Funny, I've never thought of myself as a spiritual person, but this seems to have all the hallmarks of it.
Reflections
I had decided to have some quiet time last night; I felt that I needed it without having anything in particular in mind on which to ponder .
So I lit a candle, put on some music and lay on the couch.
I miss him and I miss it - that indefinable chemistry - but most of all I miss the opportunity to have explored and see where it might have gone. As I lay there I remembered him touching me and tears flowed. Those surging sensations in my body bringing a fresh flow of tears with each surge. And again the thought comes that it will never be like that again, and it wont be, because they will not be him. So caring, compassionate and respectful of me and my feelings, it doesn't feel as though anyone else would be like that, because we had history ... long ago though it was .. there won't be another with whom I have that.
And I wondered at myself - last week so content and happy to have had the joy of the experience, this week feeling the loss. Is this a cycle I am going to move through? I thought the revelation I had last weekend meant I was on the forward path, but maybe that's not so - maybe it is, I dont know, it is yet to be seen.
And still there is no feeling of guilt. I try my utmost to root out why this is (because it seems that I *should* be feeling guilty). Is it simply repressed and will come at a later time? Is it because I am cut off and out of contact? Is it because he had taken responsibility for whatever may happen in his relationship? Is it because he had decided of his own volition, in full knowledge? Is it because of the good things that have come out it (I have to guess this on his behalf, as I do not know how things have transpired for him)? I fail to come to any understanding.
The Park
And today my heart wanted to be at the park again, so I went. I don't expect to see him there, I just needed to be there.
Sat on the blanket thinking, more thinking than remembering. Thinking about things said .... what wisdom is it he believes I have, was he meaning my comments that I should bow out so he could concentrate on his relationship? About his relationship being segregated from the rest of his life? Or other things.
I come to think that on that Sunday night that he had already decided that he would follow his heart if I also chose to do so. I commented during our chatting before I left to go home that his voice was deeper ... it wasn't light and airy as it had been on the other occassions; an indicator perhaps of his having decided. I didn't pursue it though - just commented on it at the time. It was me who had to choose though, he would not force it upon me ... and choose I did when I hit the round-a-bout and went back the way I had come. I remember he said, at some point after, that I had had to choose.
Humanity
And I come to think about emotions and the feelings. And I wonder why it is that it is considered wrong, by many, to follow those things. If they are so wrong then why do we experience them at all? Why is it that we are meant to repress them, squash them down and try to ignore them?
The thought comes to me that the reason some would give is because this is what makes us different to animals; that we do not simply follow our animalistic urges and instincts. That we are able to choose. But are we not just animals, simply of a different ilk?
Yes we can choose to not follow our urges and instincts, but is this necessarily a good thing? I think back to my gut feelings, and how often it has been shown to me that it is wrong not to take heed when it makes itself felt. Is it the same with emotions and urges? No, I guess not always, but I had no gut feeling that what we were about to do/did was wrong. What is there to guide us when there is no gut reaction/instinct?
And then it comes to me, again, the thought that I have had before - that it is wrong if it harms another (this is one reason why we have societal laws). But what other is it that we have a duty to be respectful of? Every other person on the planet (impossible!), or just the one with whom we interact directly ... and it is up to them to be respectful of the ones with whom they interact. Yes, I think that might be right, and maybe this is why there is no guilt for me.
Reasons
And I come to think of my thoughts as to why he had come into my life at that particular time. And I realise that if I am true to my belief that there is no almighty being, that there is no 'master plan' that I must not look to their being a reason why things happen.
There is no reason why things happen. They just do.
And that if I believe this then I cannot believe in karma either.
As humans we seem to be cursed to find a reason in/for everything .. that thought of 'why did this happen (to me)'? I've written about this before; I have been in this mindset myself. I find now that it is perhaps not useful; that it is indeed a futile search.
For a short while this thought - that there is no reason why things happen - is very freeing. But I soon after find myself thinking that it is a very unfulfilling thing - if things happen for no reason then what is our reason for being .... and then laugh at myself because here I am already once again looking for a reason.
Learning Through Experience
Whilst things may happen for no reason at all that does not mean that we cannot/should not learn from the experience.
This is what I try to do.
And all of me hopes and wishes that he and I will meet again, sometime, somewhere, and we can sit and laugh and chat and just enjoy.
If there is no reason for our being, no reason for our life, then why shouldn't it be simply to be happy.
So I lit a candle, put on some music and lay on the couch.
I miss him and I miss it - that indefinable chemistry - but most of all I miss the opportunity to have explored and see where it might have gone. As I lay there I remembered him touching me and tears flowed. Those surging sensations in my body bringing a fresh flow of tears with each surge. And again the thought comes that it will never be like that again, and it wont be, because they will not be him. So caring, compassionate and respectful of me and my feelings, it doesn't feel as though anyone else would be like that, because we had history ... long ago though it was .. there won't be another with whom I have that.
And I wondered at myself - last week so content and happy to have had the joy of the experience, this week feeling the loss. Is this a cycle I am going to move through? I thought the revelation I had last weekend meant I was on the forward path, but maybe that's not so - maybe it is, I dont know, it is yet to be seen.
And still there is no feeling of guilt. I try my utmost to root out why this is (because it seems that I *should* be feeling guilty). Is it simply repressed and will come at a later time? Is it because I am cut off and out of contact? Is it because he had taken responsibility for whatever may happen in his relationship? Is it because he had decided of his own volition, in full knowledge? Is it because of the good things that have come out it (I have to guess this on his behalf, as I do not know how things have transpired for him)? I fail to come to any understanding.
The Park
And today my heart wanted to be at the park again, so I went. I don't expect to see him there, I just needed to be there.
Sat on the blanket thinking, more thinking than remembering. Thinking about things said .... what wisdom is it he believes I have, was he meaning my comments that I should bow out so he could concentrate on his relationship? About his relationship being segregated from the rest of his life? Or other things.
I come to think that on that Sunday night that he had already decided that he would follow his heart if I also chose to do so. I commented during our chatting before I left to go home that his voice was deeper ... it wasn't light and airy as it had been on the other occassions; an indicator perhaps of his having decided. I didn't pursue it though - just commented on it at the time. It was me who had to choose though, he would not force it upon me ... and choose I did when I hit the round-a-bout and went back the way I had come. I remember he said, at some point after, that I had had to choose.
Humanity
And I come to think about emotions and the feelings. And I wonder why it is that it is considered wrong, by many, to follow those things. If they are so wrong then why do we experience them at all? Why is it that we are meant to repress them, squash them down and try to ignore them?
The thought comes to me that the reason some would give is because this is what makes us different to animals; that we do not simply follow our animalistic urges and instincts. That we are able to choose. But are we not just animals, simply of a different ilk?
Yes we can choose to not follow our urges and instincts, but is this necessarily a good thing? I think back to my gut feelings, and how often it has been shown to me that it is wrong not to take heed when it makes itself felt. Is it the same with emotions and urges? No, I guess not always, but I had no gut feeling that what we were about to do/did was wrong. What is there to guide us when there is no gut reaction/instinct?
And then it comes to me, again, the thought that I have had before - that it is wrong if it harms another (this is one reason why we have societal laws). But what other is it that we have a duty to be respectful of? Every other person on the planet (impossible!), or just the one with whom we interact directly ... and it is up to them to be respectful of the ones with whom they interact. Yes, I think that might be right, and maybe this is why there is no guilt for me.
Reasons
And I come to think of my thoughts as to why he had come into my life at that particular time. And I realise that if I am true to my belief that there is no almighty being, that there is no 'master plan' that I must not look to their being a reason why things happen.
There is no reason why things happen. They just do.
And that if I believe this then I cannot believe in karma either.
As humans we seem to be cursed to find a reason in/for everything .. that thought of 'why did this happen (to me)'? I've written about this before; I have been in this mindset myself. I find now that it is perhaps not useful; that it is indeed a futile search.
For a short while this thought - that there is no reason why things happen - is very freeing. But I soon after find myself thinking that it is a very unfulfilling thing - if things happen for no reason then what is our reason for being .... and then laugh at myself because here I am already once again looking for a reason.
Learning Through Experience
Whilst things may happen for no reason at all that does not mean that we cannot/should not learn from the experience.
This is what I try to do.
And all of me hopes and wishes that he and I will meet again, sometime, somewhere, and we can sit and laugh and chat and just enjoy.
If there is no reason for our being, no reason for our life, then why shouldn't it be simply to be happy.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
As I walked the aisles of the supermarket today I wondered if the other shoppers could smell me. I was smelling like sex again :(
And tonight as I sit here listening to the rain falling gently outside my window I keep thinking of going out into it and just standing in the rain..... and the images I had of him and me doing that keep flashing through my mind/in front of my eyes ..... and I miss him :(
And tonight as I sit here listening to the rain falling gently outside my window I keep thinking of going out into it and just standing in the rain..... and the images I had of him and me doing that keep flashing through my mind/in front of my eyes ..... and I miss him :(
Friday, September 08, 2006
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Work was absolutely f'd this afternoon - thank goodness it was only that way for the last hour.
Something that added to my non-enjoyment during that hour was overhearing a comment by the boss - he thought I was pissed off because it was after knock-off time and I wanted to leave. Typical boss type thinking. No, I was stressed cos work was pretty f'd up this afternoon - his comment just made me even more mad.
I'm playing music VERY LOUDLY, having a coffee and a smoke and trying to calm down ... then I think it will be bourbon and pizza o'clock.
I feel marginally better already.
Something that added to my non-enjoyment during that hour was overhearing a comment by the boss - he thought I was pissed off because it was after knock-off time and I wanted to leave. Typical boss type thinking. No, I was stressed cos work was pretty f'd up this afternoon - his comment just made me even more mad.
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm playing music VERY LOUDLY, having a coffee and a smoke and trying to calm down ... then I think it will be bourbon and pizza o'clock.
I feel marginally better already.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Gah!
I have half a poem in me ... or maybe it's two halves of two poems ... having so much trouble getting it/them down .... the words just don't feel or sound right when I type them out.
Frustrating.
Frustrating.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Today was ...
I put one of the Enigma CDs into the player today on the way to work.
I had an unusual (for me) response to the music - had visions of a slow leisurely love-making session running through my head. Not with any particular person at all. Strange, I hadn't thought of that music that way before.
I was more pensive today, smiled less than yesterday, but didn't have that almost-frown, saddish kind of look about me that had become pretty normal.
And I wonder if my bubble is moving slowly towards the earth, whether I am coming down after the overwhelming realisation of the weekend.
And then, there is was, when I got home from work. In my weekend-high I had extended the hand of peace, for a truce, but no he has to make it difficult, asking for more than was offered. Asking for something that is a particular sticking point.
My first reaction is to tell him to F off, but I know I should let this wander around inside for a while before I finally decide what to do.
The fact that this is a sticking point for me - I need to think about this (see, I'm not so different afterall).
I had an unusual (for me) response to the music - had visions of a slow leisurely love-making session running through my head. Not with any particular person at all. Strange, I hadn't thought of that music that way before.
I was more pensive today, smiled less than yesterday, but didn't have that almost-frown, saddish kind of look about me that had become pretty normal.
And I wonder if my bubble is moving slowly towards the earth, whether I am coming down after the overwhelming realisation of the weekend.
And then, there is was, when I got home from work. In my weekend-high I had extended the hand of peace, for a truce, but no he has to make it difficult, asking for more than was offered. Asking for something that is a particular sticking point.
My first reaction is to tell him to F off, but I know I should let this wander around inside for a while before I finally decide what to do.
The fact that this is a sticking point for me - I need to think about this (see, I'm not so different afterall).
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Music and Smiles
Music
It was with some trepidation that I put one of the CDs he had given me into the car player this morning as I left for work.
What effect would the music have on me - would it be the bubble burster, or would it all be good?
I couldn't play this music prior to Sunday, and was so overwhelmed on Sunday and had too many thoughts in my head (of newness) on Monday that today was the first time I had the space and time to try it.
The music was wonderful. It brought me no angst, no sad thoughts of him (only happy ones).
Tomorrow I will try one of the others ones.
Smiles
And when I got to work I realised I had been smiling the whole way. This is different, this is new.
Yes, in the last few weeks there has been bouts of spontaneous smiling (and grinning) on the way to and from work, but today I smiled the entire time ... and it wasn't the passion or desire making it happen.
I find myself looking for a certain someone over the copper wires, and entertaining certain ideas - of meeting -- of meeting someone new that I don't know and have never met before.
And I know then, for certain, that I am now different, that I am 'better', that I have come out into the light. That I will follow my feelings and trust them, but not with giddy abandon.
There is still retrospection going on, still looking and learning from what has happened. I am amazed and stunned - in the most wonderful way.
It was with some trepidation that I put one of the CDs he had given me into the car player this morning as I left for work.
What effect would the music have on me - would it be the bubble burster, or would it all be good?
I couldn't play this music prior to Sunday, and was so overwhelmed on Sunday and had too many thoughts in my head (of newness) on Monday that today was the first time I had the space and time to try it.
The music was wonderful. It brought me no angst, no sad thoughts of him (only happy ones).
Tomorrow I will try one of the others ones.
Smiles
And when I got to work I realised I had been smiling the whole way. This is different, this is new.
Yes, in the last few weeks there has been bouts of spontaneous smiling (and grinning) on the way to and from work, but today I smiled the entire time ... and it wasn't the passion or desire making it happen.
I find myself looking for a certain someone over the copper wires, and entertaining certain ideas - of meeting -- of meeting someone new that I don't know and have never met before.
And I know then, for certain, that I am now different, that I am 'better', that I have come out into the light. That I will follow my feelings and trust them, but not with giddy abandon.
There is still retrospection going on, still looking and learning from what has happened. I am amazed and stunned - in the most wonderful way.
Monday, September 04, 2006
A New Day and the 'New' Me
I was surprised that it took a while to get to sleep last night. And that I woke at about 1am for no apparent reason (ie didn't wake in a hot sweat, no strange noises in the house). But then I returned to sleep easily and slept well.
Today was a new day for me, the first day of the rest of my life (well maybe some would count yesterday as that .. but 'I' wasn't back until part way through the day).
I noticed something different about me today. I am much less the pessimist that I have been. My glass is now decidedly half full, and yes, I can even see the glass (this hearkens back to a previous response of 'the glass is an illusion').
And I now think of possibilities. Today I found myself of thinking of the next time someone comes along ... note, I wasn't thinking IF someone comes along, or that no one else will ever come along, I was thinking about the NEXT time someone comes along. This is not the way I thought before.
I was less tense too.
I think the adrenalin levels have decreased substantially. The thought is in me that I will now put on weight.
There are still some of those physical responses in my body, but they are very much gentler than a week ago. I wonder whether this is how it is for 'normal' folk, everyday folk.
Passion and Love
And I thought about passion and love, and the comment I made only a few posts ago that if I didn't feel like that again I would miss it and feel that I was settling for something less.
Today that is not how it felt, what I thought about it. I was very comfortable with the idea of a slow easy love that builds over time rather than the utter explosion I had just experienced. (I do still hesitate to call what happened 'love' mind you).
And this is where the optimism kicked in - the reason I could now accept a slower easier type of love is because I am so grateful to have experienced that other; that absolute burning of desire and passion. This is not how I have felt before - before I only felt the loss of things, but now I can be thankful for having at least felt those things at some point.
And as I write this I am reminded of that well worn phrase, at which I have previously scoffed (and in remembering that, makes the difference in me now so obvious) "better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". Today I can agree with that statement.
Amongst all this there are some undercurrents of thought occuring ...
Maybe I'm just on a high and this bubble will burst sometime,
Now that I am whole will my thinking be less clear.
And I have thought a little too about this blog. The blog has served its purpose - it has recorded my journey through darkness and forward into the light.
I will not be removing it, as it will serve me well to visit the past from time to time I'm sure.
Does it have a purpose now? Will I still feel like writing?
At various points in my life I have taken to writing when in times of crisis. It would seem this time of crisis is now over.
I do not want to fill the screen with fripperies of what I've eaten for breakfast.
I thank those who have read me for their presence and those who have commented and e-mailed for their thoughts, companionship and support.
Today was a new day for me, the first day of the rest of my life (well maybe some would count yesterday as that .. but 'I' wasn't back until part way through the day).
I noticed something different about me today. I am much less the pessimist that I have been. My glass is now decidedly half full, and yes, I can even see the glass (this hearkens back to a previous response of 'the glass is an illusion').
And I now think of possibilities. Today I found myself of thinking of the next time someone comes along ... note, I wasn't thinking IF someone comes along, or that no one else will ever come along, I was thinking about the NEXT time someone comes along. This is not the way I thought before.
I was less tense too.
I think the adrenalin levels have decreased substantially. The thought is in me that I will now put on weight.
There are still some of those physical responses in my body, but they are very much gentler than a week ago. I wonder whether this is how it is for 'normal' folk, everyday folk.
Passion and Love
And I thought about passion and love, and the comment I made only a few posts ago that if I didn't feel like that again I would miss it and feel that I was settling for something less.
Today that is not how it felt, what I thought about it. I was very comfortable with the idea of a slow easy love that builds over time rather than the utter explosion I had just experienced. (I do still hesitate to call what happened 'love' mind you).
And this is where the optimism kicked in - the reason I could now accept a slower easier type of love is because I am so grateful to have experienced that other; that absolute burning of desire and passion. This is not how I have felt before - before I only felt the loss of things, but now I can be thankful for having at least felt those things at some point.
And as I write this I am reminded of that well worn phrase, at which I have previously scoffed (and in remembering that, makes the difference in me now so obvious) "better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". Today I can agree with that statement.
Amongst all this there are some undercurrents of thought occuring ...
Maybe I'm just on a high and this bubble will burst sometime,
Now that I am whole will my thinking be less clear.
And I have thought a little too about this blog. The blog has served its purpose - it has recorded my journey through darkness and forward into the light.
I will not be removing it, as it will serve me well to visit the past from time to time I'm sure.
Does it have a purpose now? Will I still feel like writing?
At various points in my life I have taken to writing when in times of crisis. It would seem this time of crisis is now over.
I do not want to fill the screen with fripperies of what I've eaten for breakfast.
I thank those who have read me for their presence and those who have commented and e-mailed for their thoughts, companionship and support.
Whether I am inclined to continue writing is yet to be seen.
Just for now this is not goodbye, just adieu and arrivaderci (til we see each other again).
The Castle
For those of you who know about the castle, in which I have been secluded, here is a picture of the castle as of yesterday:
There is a different feel to the castle today, almost festive. There is no feeling of darkness as there once was. There are flags flying from the turrets.
The gates and doors are open, the portcullis is up and the drawbridge is down.
There is traffic on the drawbridge (never seen before); it moves freely to and fro, moving in and out of the castle, some jumping and skipping, some just moving very freely.
It's a lovely picture isn't it :)
There is a different feel to the castle today, almost festive. There is no feeling of darkness as there once was. There are flags flying from the turrets.
The gates and doors are open, the portcullis is up and the drawbridge is down.
There is traffic on the drawbridge (never seen before); it moves freely to and fro, moving in and out of the castle, some jumping and skipping, some just moving very freely.
It's a lovely picture isn't it :)
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Hello
Hello, my name is Noala.
Those of you who have only ever known me by the blog will not know me.
I am Noala who existed before the blog began.
I am me.
I am whole.
I am alive.
You may find me not so very different from the Noala who has been writing all this time, for she is a part of me.
There will be one more post added prior to this one, from that part of me. I can't write it just at the moment as I am overwhelmed by what has occured. The realisation just hit me today whilst I was out in the sun mowing my lawn, after I'd written an e-mail to a cyber-friend.
To coin the phrase of the person who helped me get here "It's all good".
Those of you who have only ever known me by the blog will not know me.
I am Noala who existed before the blog began.
I am me.
I am whole.
I am alive.
You may find me not so very different from the Noala who has been writing all this time, for she is a part of me.
There will be one more post added prior to this one, from that part of me. I can't write it just at the moment as I am overwhelmed by what has occured. The realisation just hit me today whilst I was out in the sun mowing my lawn, after I'd written an e-mail to a cyber-friend.
To coin the phrase of the person who helped me get here "It's all good".
(This post is post-time stamped so that it will appear in the correct place)
I was Wrong
The comment I made at the end of the post prior to this one is/was wrong.
I didn't blow it. This was my chance and I took it (even though I had to be prompted to stay so I could take it, by another, it was still up to me, he said so himself 'you had to choose').
I have had such a revelation, transformation today.
It came as I wrote an e-mail to a cyber friend with whom I chatted last Monday night. In the e-mail I was apologising for the state I had been in and using him simply as a distraction from my grief. Then I wrote a particular line and suddenly all became clear. This is what I wrote:
My heart has been opened.
And right there, right then I knew, without a doubt, that this was true (that lump in the throat I had felt on the morning of the dream was back, and almost suffocating me!).
My heart has been opened. My heart is back on board. I am a whole person once more. The girl I used to be is back - not just half of her, all of her.
I have been overwhelmed (brought to tears) by this a lot of times today. Not tears of sadness, nor even really tears of joy. Perhaps they are tears of relief. Relief that this is finally over, that I am finally ready to move on ('bout bloody time I hear you say)
I don't know why it took until today for this realisation to come. It certainly was not there earlier in the week and it was not there yesterday.
Wisdom
I think and look back to things I have written and am astonished at my own wisdom. It's strange how you can write the words but not really understand the truth within them.
To Get Elsewhere (ie to progress)
I e-mailed him a document, very early on in the piece (one week + one day from his first e-mail) in which I wrote the words:
"But this is me, this is who I am, maybe this is what I have to go through to get elsewhere."
It seems to me now that this statement was so accurate that it is scarey.
Because It Was Him
I can't find the first time that this thought occured to me - that it would be ok because it was him (him in particular as opposed to any other him that might have come along). But I definately had the feeling that it would be ok, that he would 'look after' me - and indeed I am ok, and he most certainly did look after me; caring, gentle and considerate about my feelings and confusion.
Asking for What you Need
At one point, when our communication had become clumsy and the road had become rather rocky and difficult I included a note for him to please persevere with me. (Found it - it was two weeks after first contact)
Today, in writing the e-mail to the cyber-friend (mentioned near the top of this post), I reviewed discussions he (the cyber-friend) and I had back in December/January of this year. He kept referring to me as being Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel and the knight who would have to hack away at the thorns and monsters to come save me from my seclusion.
This was not in my mind when I wrote the email that mentioned perserverence, but it was exactly what was needed, and I am so fortunate and grateful that he did (persevere).
Why Did We Meet?
Another thing I pondered, and asked, from rather early on was 'why has he come into my life at this point in time'.
Little did I know he was to be my Knight, but obviously I was aware somehow, somewhere inside of me, that this was important, that him coming into my life was important.
Perhaps I came into his life for a reason too - this is something that has only more recently come to light, something of which he had been unaware ... that maybe this was something he had to go through too so that his relationship with his partner could progress.
Going/Staying
This is his unknown wisdom at work - I kept saying that I would bow out if he felt it would help. He kept saying I should stay.
If I had not stayed I would not be where I am now - I would still be locked away in that castle and heaven only knows when another Knight such as he would have come along to save me from myself.
But I must have had some wisdom here too, because I did stay, I did not run away (which I often felt the need to do - and could have done at any point). I stood and faced it - the rocky scarey road, because of his gentle guidance and the hand he held out to help me navigate the rocks and pitfalls.
There are others I am certain. But for now I must away to my bed and sleep, and sleep I surely know that I will.
Because I am at peace, because I am whole, because I finally can be me again.
I was Wrong
The comment I made at the end of the post prior to this one is/was wrong.
I didn't blow it. This was my chance and I took it (even though I had to be prompted to stay so I could take it, by another, it was still up to me, he said so himself 'you had to choose').
I have had such a revelation, transformation today.
It came as I wrote an e-mail to a cyber friend with whom I chatted last Monday night. In the e-mail I was apologising for the state I had been in and using him simply as a distraction from my grief. Then I wrote a particular line and suddenly all became clear. This is what I wrote:
My heart has been opened.
And right there, right then I knew, without a doubt, that this was true (that lump in the throat I had felt on the morning of the dream was back, and almost suffocating me!).
My heart has been opened. My heart is back on board. I am a whole person once more. The girl I used to be is back - not just half of her, all of her.
I have been overwhelmed (brought to tears) by this a lot of times today. Not tears of sadness, nor even really tears of joy. Perhaps they are tears of relief. Relief that this is finally over, that I am finally ready to move on ('bout bloody time I hear you say)
I don't know why it took until today for this realisation to come. It certainly was not there earlier in the week and it was not there yesterday.
Wisdom
I think and look back to things I have written and am astonished at my own wisdom. It's strange how you can write the words but not really understand the truth within them.
To Get Elsewhere (ie to progress)
I e-mailed him a document, very early on in the piece (one week + one day from his first e-mail) in which I wrote the words:
"But this is me, this is who I am, maybe this is what I have to go through to get elsewhere."
It seems to me now that this statement was so accurate that it is scarey.
Because It Was Him
I can't find the first time that this thought occured to me - that it would be ok because it was him (him in particular as opposed to any other him that might have come along). But I definately had the feeling that it would be ok, that he would 'look after' me - and indeed I am ok, and he most certainly did look after me; caring, gentle and considerate about my feelings and confusion.
Asking for What you Need
At one point, when our communication had become clumsy and the road had become rather rocky and difficult I included a note for him to please persevere with me. (Found it - it was two weeks after first contact)
Today, in writing the e-mail to the cyber-friend (mentioned near the top of this post), I reviewed discussions he (the cyber-friend) and I had back in December/January of this year. He kept referring to me as being Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel and the knight who would have to hack away at the thorns and monsters to come save me from my seclusion.
This was not in my mind when I wrote the email that mentioned perserverence, but it was exactly what was needed, and I am so fortunate and grateful that he did (persevere).
Why Did We Meet?
Another thing I pondered, and asked, from rather early on was 'why has he come into my life at this point in time'.
Little did I know he was to be my Knight, but obviously I was aware somehow, somewhere inside of me, that this was important, that him coming into my life was important.
Perhaps I came into his life for a reason too - this is something that has only more recently come to light, something of which he had been unaware ... that maybe this was something he had to go through too so that his relationship with his partner could progress.
Going/Staying
This is his unknown wisdom at work - I kept saying that I would bow out if he felt it would help. He kept saying I should stay.
If I had not stayed I would not be where I am now - I would still be locked away in that castle and heaven only knows when another Knight such as he would have come along to save me from myself.
But I must have had some wisdom here too, because I did stay, I did not run away (which I often felt the need to do - and could have done at any point). I stood and faced it - the rocky scarey road, because of his gentle guidance and the hand he held out to help me navigate the rocks and pitfalls.
There are others I am certain. But for now I must away to my bed and sleep, and sleep I surely know that I will.
Because I am at peace, because I am whole, because I finally can be me again.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
What if ... and what of me
I have been wondering if the rules I have set are too harsh. What if she is of a forgiving nature, what if things go very well for them and it really is ok for us to talk again (yes, just talk, just be friends), what if he desperately needs to talk with me ... but no, knowing how he has betrayed her how could she possibly allow that ...
And then with a start I remembered something in an e-mail he had written. I open the e-mail and read it again. Yes, there it is....(secrets - and I wonder what secrets he has kept; that he was becoming hooked? or how far it actually went? This is my fate - to not know)
And I think again that maybe all this is unnecessary ..... but no, I am fooling myself. The rules are necessary. Perhaps not only to enable them to do what they need to do, but perhaps also for me, maybe this is how it needs to be for me as well, to enable me to leave it behind this time.
For Me
And I start to think again what is there for me in all this. There must be something. We cannot go through traumatic (good and bad) times and not learn something.
Awakening
I know now that passion and desire reside within me still. They had been absent a long time and I wondered whether they still existed. I know now that they do. My sexual self has been awoken - that part of me that had been dead for so long.
But what am I to do now? Having felt that passion and desire I wonder whether there will be another that might evoke those feelings within me again. I fear that I will end up settling for something less. I don't want that, I don't want to settle for anything less.
Why must it have been this way. Why did we have to meet when he had a partner? Would it have been the same if he had been single? Perhaps, perhaps not.
Risk
I know now too that I will take a risk, that I will risk revealing my heart. BUT I only did that because it was him, because it felt that it was ok. Maybe this is indication enough .... but I also wonder if there will ever be someone again with whom it feels ok. Most of me thinks there will not be, that this was my chance, and I blew it.
And then with a start I remembered something in an e-mail he had written. I open the e-mail and read it again. Yes, there it is....(secrets - and I wonder what secrets he has kept; that he was becoming hooked? or how far it actually went? This is my fate - to not know)
And I think again that maybe all this is unnecessary ..... but no, I am fooling myself. The rules are necessary. Perhaps not only to enable them to do what they need to do, but perhaps also for me, maybe this is how it needs to be for me as well, to enable me to leave it behind this time.
For Me
And I start to think again what is there for me in all this. There must be something. We cannot go through traumatic (good and bad) times and not learn something.
Awakening
I know now that passion and desire reside within me still. They had been absent a long time and I wondered whether they still existed. I know now that they do. My sexual self has been awoken - that part of me that had been dead for so long.
But what am I to do now? Having felt that passion and desire I wonder whether there will be another that might evoke those feelings within me again. I fear that I will end up settling for something less. I don't want that, I don't want to settle for anything less.
Why must it have been this way. Why did we have to meet when he had a partner? Would it have been the same if he had been single? Perhaps, perhaps not.
Risk
I know now too that I will take a risk, that I will risk revealing my heart. BUT I only did that because it was him, because it felt that it was ok. Maybe this is indication enough .... but I also wonder if there will ever be someone again with whom it feels ok. Most of me thinks there will not be, that this was my chance, and I blew it.
Catharsis
I wanted to be where we had been, so I went to the cafe and had a coffee. I don't think it's a usual hangout for him, so I didn't expect that I might see him.
Standing in line to order my coffee I was trembling.
The booth where we last sat was taken so I sat on the balcony, where we had sat that first night we met face-to-face, in the sun, alone. I imagined his smiling face from that first meeting and tears were in my eyes.
Then I went to the park and I cried.
As I moved from sitting to laying on the blanket my body responses started up again and I found myself crying again. I just let it happen, lay there crying, not bothering to wipe the tears until they stopped.
Maybe I needed to do this, to let the emotions out so that they can leave me be. Maybe it will help the adrenalin levels go down.
Half of me wants to hold on to those emotions, the other part knows I should let them go.
Standing in line to order my coffee I was trembling.
The booth where we last sat was taken so I sat on the balcony, where we had sat that first night we met face-to-face, in the sun, alone. I imagined his smiling face from that first meeting and tears were in my eyes.
Then I went to the park and I cried.
As I moved from sitting to laying on the blanket my body responses started up again and I found myself crying again. I just let it happen, lay there crying, not bothering to wipe the tears until they stopped.
Maybe I needed to do this, to let the emotions out so that they can leave me be. Maybe it will help the adrenalin levels go down.
Half of me wants to hold on to those emotions, the other part knows I should let them go.
Yesterday Mother Nature cried an ocean of tears down onto the earth.
As I sat as my desk looking out at the hard rain there was a tightness in my chest. It was fear/anxiety for him that he might be crying this hard (not literally crying, but well you get the idea)
Last night I finally slept all night.
Today I want to go to the park where we met once and talked, sitting and laying in the sunshine of a sunny winter day. Last night I had hoped it would be raining again this morning, with the intention of going to the park and just standing/sitting in the rain - but no, today it is sunny and crisp.
Perhaps I am not meant to drown in tears, neither my own nor Mother Natures'.
As I sat as my desk looking out at the hard rain there was a tightness in my chest. It was fear/anxiety for him that he might be crying this hard (not literally crying, but well you get the idea)
Last night I finally slept all night.
Today I want to go to the park where we met once and talked, sitting and laying in the sunshine of a sunny winter day. Last night I had hoped it would be raining again this morning, with the intention of going to the park and just standing/sitting in the rain - but no, today it is sunny and crisp.
Perhaps I am not meant to drown in tears, neither my own nor Mother Natures'.
Friday, September 01, 2006
So Much
So many thoughts in my head, so many things I want to record. Even though the brain seems to be in full swing my body continues the relentless responses even in the absence of the stimulus.
Karma
Karma entered my mind ... maybe this is my karma for what happened/ how I reacted 4 years ago. Maybe I've experienced this so I can look with more compassion at my ex-partner, for how can a person experience those feelings and not be seduced by them. But no, I don't think that's right because I was compassionate to him, I said to his face that I would not deny him feeling that way because it was such a good feeling (and have now had it re-confirmed to me just how true that is). I did not require that he squash down/not experience the feelings; so that cannot be it.
Triangles
Having experienced triangles from four perspectives now ... the one who cheats, the one who indulges with the knowledge of their partner and allows their partner to do likewise, the one who has been cheated on, and the one with whom someone else cheated (I almost changed the word cheated to 'be unfaithful', but that's not correct because in the middle two I was still faithful in my heart, and committed, to my partner) .. what can I learn from these experiences?
I'm not sure that I can say anything other than the fact that it shows me I can and will be tempted, and will give in to that, and that I am not alone in this. The fact that one or more of those situations is/was more damaging to me than the others ... I do not feel that has any message in it, because it involves individual personalities and every person is different - therefore I do not feel it useful to apply any lessons learned from those experiences to experiences that may occur in the future as they will be with different people, who will behave differently than those with whom I was involved in the past.
Maybe this is the only other thing I can gain from these experiences - that people are different to each other. The only other constant is me and the fact that I will give in.
His Decision
I wander down the pathway and look at the different roads that his ponderings may have taken him in making his decision.
Is it because this is the least damaging decision for him? The only decision with which he would be able to survive? No, I don't think so, I don't believe he has it in him to be that selfish.
Is it because he is so deeply committed to his relationship? This is a possibility.
Perhaps because it's safer to stay with the tried and known rather than skip off towards the unknown horizon? I don't think he is that kind of person.
Is it because this is the only way he could keep his promise to not allow me to be the one who comes between? Possible.
Is it out of guilt? Possible. Though I hope this is not the reason; it is the worst possible reason to try maintain/sustain/retain the relationship. My own ex-partner new this, and so did I. (Guilt over my pain made him say he would stay, but he wasn't committed to me).
Does/Is He?
Is he concentrating on his relationship, has he truly devoided himself of me, when will he open his chest, does he suffer the feelings as do I (sadness there as it will make it difficult for him). I so want to offer him comfort, but cannot. I could write more under this heading but must stop myself.
His MLC
He saw his MLC not as a test but as an opportunity to examine various parts of his life and make changes so that it moved more in the directions that he wanted it to take rather than just the road it happened to have gone down. Ever the optimist, even amongst the shaking voice and tears he could say he was glad this eruption had occurred as there had been much dissatisfaction on both sides in the relationship - and I believe he sees this as good, that these things have been revealed, so that now they can be discussed and worked on, and hopefully resolved.
Passion and ... the like
And so onto passion. So many thoughts and ponderings about this.
What is it, what makes it happen? Wanderings on the 'net don't provide much in the way of useful answers even though there is quite a lot written about it - seems perhaps it is one of those things about which we havenot yet discovered everything - we haven't been able to put our finger on what make this feeling arise.
I don't think it is something we can make happen/create in ourselves, it is something that either is there or is not. Yes, I know passionate love does not last, but it has its part to play in the development of a relationship. It brings and holds people together, and whilst it lasts other, longer-term emotions/relationship bases can develop - or don't.
Which begs the question - were we developing a relationship? Of course we were, a relationship of some kind is developed with any person with whom we interact. Would it have developed further? I think there is a possibility of this (and perhaps that is what is making this so hard for me) ... he said things that indicated to me that he was entering what, to me at least is/was, very dangerous territory - the L word. And that just starts me down a whole different track of thinking ... would that have happened, was it turning into a love relationship, would it have lasted, would I wanted to have tried, particularly as I felt I wasn't ready for it, what would it have been like .... but I will not go down that path right now, it's too hard a road for me to travel down at present and I know it is a dead end anyway.
So back to passion. Perhaps this experience has come to show him that passion was missing in his relationship. I noticed when he spoke of his relationship he didn't speak of emotions, he didn't speak of it in a 'feeling' way. He spoke about his relationship in precisely the same way my ex-partner and I used to ... it was all about the committment. It's natural in a relationship of that length (his relationship) that passion would have passed. It is written all over the place about how to bring passion back into a relationship ... but I am unconvinced that that is possible.
So what purpose is there of this feeling? Why does it happen to us - even when we are settled in a relationship. Is it just to unsettle us? Surely not. Does it indicate what I have suspected before - that we are not meant for long term monogamous relationships? I don't know. Why have this feeling, that is so overpowering, only to have to reject it, disallow it, have to control it.
So many of the well worn phrases are appropriate to how it was - there was a spark between us, a chemisty, a fire ... all these things are how passion is described. But what caused it?????? Was it because he had subconscious/only just conscious disatisfaction with his relationship? I don't believe so. Was it because of our past history .. I should say my past history as he had been unaware of my feelings back in school. What is it that creates that feeling between people?
So many thoughts, so few answers, no conclusions, no lessons for me yet.
Maybe life is not about lessons, maybe it's just about experiencing .... I've had enough thanks.
Karma
Karma entered my mind ... maybe this is my karma for what happened/ how I reacted 4 years ago. Maybe I've experienced this so I can look with more compassion at my ex-partner, for how can a person experience those feelings and not be seduced by them. But no, I don't think that's right because I was compassionate to him, I said to his face that I would not deny him feeling that way because it was such a good feeling (and have now had it re-confirmed to me just how true that is). I did not require that he squash down/not experience the feelings; so that cannot be it.
Triangles
Having experienced triangles from four perspectives now ... the one who cheats, the one who indulges with the knowledge of their partner and allows their partner to do likewise, the one who has been cheated on, and the one with whom someone else cheated (I almost changed the word cheated to 'be unfaithful', but that's not correct because in the middle two I was still faithful in my heart, and committed, to my partner) .. what can I learn from these experiences?
I'm not sure that I can say anything other than the fact that it shows me I can and will be tempted, and will give in to that, and that I am not alone in this. The fact that one or more of those situations is/was more damaging to me than the others ... I do not feel that has any message in it, because it involves individual personalities and every person is different - therefore I do not feel it useful to apply any lessons learned from those experiences to experiences that may occur in the future as they will be with different people, who will behave differently than those with whom I was involved in the past.
Maybe this is the only other thing I can gain from these experiences - that people are different to each other. The only other constant is me and the fact that I will give in.
His Decision
I wander down the pathway and look at the different roads that his ponderings may have taken him in making his decision.
Is it because this is the least damaging decision for him? The only decision with which he would be able to survive? No, I don't think so, I don't believe he has it in him to be that selfish.
Is it because he is so deeply committed to his relationship? This is a possibility.
Perhaps because it's safer to stay with the tried and known rather than skip off towards the unknown horizon? I don't think he is that kind of person.
Is it because this is the only way he could keep his promise to not allow me to be the one who comes between? Possible.
Is it out of guilt? Possible. Though I hope this is not the reason; it is the worst possible reason to try maintain/sustain/retain the relationship. My own ex-partner new this, and so did I. (Guilt over my pain made him say he would stay, but he wasn't committed to me).
Does/Is He?
Is he concentrating on his relationship, has he truly devoided himself of me, when will he open his chest, does he suffer the feelings as do I (sadness there as it will make it difficult for him). I so want to offer him comfort, but cannot. I could write more under this heading but must stop myself.
His MLC
He saw his MLC not as a test but as an opportunity to examine various parts of his life and make changes so that it moved more in the directions that he wanted it to take rather than just the road it happened to have gone down. Ever the optimist, even amongst the shaking voice and tears he could say he was glad this eruption had occurred as there had been much dissatisfaction on both sides in the relationship - and I believe he sees this as good, that these things have been revealed, so that now they can be discussed and worked on, and hopefully resolved.
Passion and ... the like
And so onto passion. So many thoughts and ponderings about this.
What is it, what makes it happen? Wanderings on the 'net don't provide much in the way of useful answers even though there is quite a lot written about it - seems perhaps it is one of those things about which we havenot yet discovered everything - we haven't been able to put our finger on what make this feeling arise.
I don't think it is something we can make happen/create in ourselves, it is something that either is there or is not. Yes, I know passionate love does not last, but it has its part to play in the development of a relationship. It brings and holds people together, and whilst it lasts other, longer-term emotions/relationship bases can develop - or don't.
Which begs the question - were we developing a relationship? Of course we were, a relationship of some kind is developed with any person with whom we interact. Would it have developed further? I think there is a possibility of this (and perhaps that is what is making this so hard for me) ... he said things that indicated to me that he was entering what, to me at least is/was, very dangerous territory - the L word. And that just starts me down a whole different track of thinking ... would that have happened, was it turning into a love relationship, would it have lasted, would I wanted to have tried, particularly as I felt I wasn't ready for it, what would it have been like .... but I will not go down that path right now, it's too hard a road for me to travel down at present and I know it is a dead end anyway.
So back to passion. Perhaps this experience has come to show him that passion was missing in his relationship. I noticed when he spoke of his relationship he didn't speak of emotions, he didn't speak of it in a 'feeling' way. He spoke about his relationship in precisely the same way my ex-partner and I used to ... it was all about the committment. It's natural in a relationship of that length (his relationship) that passion would have passed. It is written all over the place about how to bring passion back into a relationship ... but I am unconvinced that that is possible.
So what purpose is there of this feeling? Why does it happen to us - even when we are settled in a relationship. Is it just to unsettle us? Surely not. Does it indicate what I have suspected before - that we are not meant for long term monogamous relationships? I don't know. Why have this feeling, that is so overpowering, only to have to reject it, disallow it, have to control it.
So many of the well worn phrases are appropriate to how it was - there was a spark between us, a chemisty, a fire ... all these things are how passion is described. But what caused it?????? Was it because he had subconscious/only just conscious disatisfaction with his relationship? I don't believe so. Was it because of our past history .. I should say my past history as he had been unaware of my feelings back in school. What is it that creates that feeling between people?
So many thoughts, so few answers, no conclusions, no lessons for me yet.
Maybe life is not about lessons, maybe it's just about experiencing .... I've had enough thanks.
Perhaps I should be devoiding myself of him, as I have made him do of me.
But no, I don't have a need to do that. I needed to make him do that so that he would not have me in his thoughts - so that he can concentrate on his partner and his relationship without distraction.
But for me, I have no other thing or person on which I should be concentrating, other than myself.
And so I have the luxury of being allowed to remember, to remember the feelings, the happiness and contentment that we both felt.
The feeling still flow in my body - found myself making soft little moaning sounds in the car on the way home yesterday as those feelings coursed through my body once again. Whilst I know there are those who would offer their 'services' to 'help' me get rid of this I wont do that - I wont use someone that way, and because these are someone elses' 'leftovers'.
It's the first day of Spring today, but there is no spring in my step, no feeling of spring inside me - it is another grey and raining day.
The weekend is forecast to be fine, so maybe I will get to garden.
But no, I don't have a need to do that. I needed to make him do that so that he would not have me in his thoughts - so that he can concentrate on his partner and his relationship without distraction.
But for me, I have no other thing or person on which I should be concentrating, other than myself.
And so I have the luxury of being allowed to remember, to remember the feelings, the happiness and contentment that we both felt.
The feeling still flow in my body - found myself making soft little moaning sounds in the car on the way home yesterday as those feelings coursed through my body once again. Whilst I know there are those who would offer their 'services' to 'help' me get rid of this I wont do that - I wont use someone that way, and because these are someone elses' 'leftovers'.
It's the first day of Spring today, but there is no spring in my step, no feeling of spring inside me - it is another grey and raining day.
The weekend is forecast to be fine, so maybe I will get to garden.
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